The idea of falling in love never included the idea of safety until after him. When I met him, I never thought I had to do such things as protect my heart or protect my body from him. My whole concept of falling in love had such an innocent ideal to it. I was shy, and I wanted him to kiss me, and I wanted him to want me, all the things you want at fifteen when you realize that the boy you like likes you back. You don’t have your guard up in love, you aren’t terrified that the boy in front of you might be a monster, because you are young, and hopeful, and you trust too easily. You don’t realize until later that the boy was a monster, you don’t realize until later that you didn’t want him to touch you the way he touched you, with such hunger and unfeelingness, the way he uses you, knowing just how you feel about him, and grows angry at you if you don’t want to welcome him inside your body, but instead, wish he might just hold you for a while and give you that soft affection you thought you found so easily in him. Like I said the whole concept of falling in love felt like a romanticized sense of uneasiness, and I thought if I was nervous, or uncomfortable, or shaking in his arms that that meant I was in love, that I just had feelings for him. It was only after him that I realized, when falling in love, I craved that feeling of safety, I wanted someone that wasn’t threatening, I wanted someone that I could trust, when falling in love again, for the first time I was never thinking about what would happen if something went south, and how to make my exit from there, I trusted my intuition and I trusted my boy, I let myself be open with him because I was not scared to be hurt by him, I was not scared that he would attack me and make me do something I didn’t want to do, falling in love without fear was one of the great privileges of my life, I realized that my genuine distrust of men was holding me back from loving with everything that I had. Loving the boy taught me that fearing your partner is not standard, it taught me that a level of softness still exists inside of men, and that they can be just as afraid of getting hurt as you are. I loved being his safety, and I loved that he was mine, love isn’t meant to hurt, love isn’t meant to make you uneasy, or make you feel deeply insecure, love simply just sees you where you are, and says, you are safe here.
