#sam&ellie

[magsoul]

Ashes

Claire and I spoke yesterday and she described our relationship as “fiery”, I never thought about it until now but it makes a lot of sense described that way, but it usually tends to burn out quickly, leaving nothing but the ashes of the way we used to be, and yet we keep reigniting which makes me wonder, what kind of fire is this?

[magsoul]

Break you

Don’t forget that he’s the one that has hurt you all those times before, don’t forget that he’s the one that has only ever wanted your body, don’t forget that he’s the only one that has ever broken you, don’t forget that he still can, he can break you like he’s never broken anything, he’ll snap you in half with his honey covered tongue, and his dancing hands around your waist, he makes you think he has ever felt the same, then leaves you empty, used up, and discards you and leaves you forgotten, that’s how he’ll do it, just as he did before, that’s how he’ll break you

[magsoul]

6-17-17 aged: 15

Every moment I spend awake I think of him. When I think of Sam, I think boyfriend and I can’t manage to get the ex in front of it in my head. It is love that terrorizes my life, makes me weak and safe. I used to be something without him, now I’m nothing. I miss him so much it hurts. When I feel like dying, I picture him talking me off my ledge. His ghost haunts me and I want nothing more than to replace the ghost with the real thing. At night I picture him there to stop my loneliness. I know it’s selfish but I want him mine again, no matter the cost, be it my desperation or anything else. I want to know he misses me, that he yearns to be by my side again. I might be clinging to the memory of what once was, but I have nothing to live for if I don’t have him. And I know that makes me pathetic, but I can’t go on living like this. He’s the only person who has ever loved me and he changed his mind and it destroyed me. I love him and that is where I die.

[magsoul]

Exclusive

How do you act if you’re exclusive, how do you tell someone that you don’t want them with anyone else, how do you tell someone that it bothers you when they talk about other people, how do you tell someone that you want them to only be yours?

[magsoul]

It sucks when the one person in the whole world you want to want you doesn’t, so you’re just stuck with all the people who you don’t want wanting you

[magsoul]

I’m mad at you

Truly I’m furious and saddened and beside myself but mostly I’m sorry, sorry that I did this thing again, sorry that I thought you actually felt something towards me again but mostly sorry that I’m not surprised, this is what you do, 2 months on 6 months off 2 months on 6 months off, and somehow you forget how many last times we had, it’s 3 so far babe btw, you like how I said so far, because I know in 6 months I’ll want you just as much as I did 2 months ago, but you’re predictable and I didn’t have real feelings so it’s more of a disappointment then a heartbreak

[magsoul]

Sam was my rough and tough cowboy, and I was his beautiful blue. Our relationship started out in early December, he’d steal little glances and I’d steal them right back. He was full of awe to me. He was just this perfect guy, funny, flirtatious, easy going, strong, passionate, loyal, everything you could ever begin to want. Sam and I were this beautiful symphony that magically never ran out of different notes to play. In the beginning of April, Sam and I decided that we wanted to be together, like actually together. It was the happiest time of my life at first, we would talk ceaselessly, and we’d be together the way we had always wanted to be when we were too scared. Sam acted like I was this perfect godsend, like an angel, and I suppose maybe to him I was. But Sam was afraid that he would break me. That I would be too fragile and he’d ruin me, like he wasn’t good enough for me. Sam decided that our relationship could no longer continue the way it was. That he couldn’t handle it. But see the problem was, I wanted to be with Sam, I wanted us to make mistakes together, to get in stupid fights with each other, to do goofy things together, I wanted Sam to be my everything. I wanted Sam to be my constant. And suddenly he wasn’t there, he slammed the door in my face, hung up the telephone, viciously avoided me, like seeing me or talking to me was going to hurt him or me or something. I became very suicidal, without that special Sam light in my life it turned pitch black again. I stopped eating, I cried more, I didn’t want to be alive anymore. I turned into someone I’ve never met before. Dark, brooding, angry, terrifying. Every little piece of livelihood I had left shattered. It wasn’t really Sam that did this, it was everything, but Sam was a drug, my drug, my coping mechanism, and he had just forced me into the world alone, and I had to quit him without any familiar comforts. Overnight Sam became a stranger and I a crazy person. With each day I felt my mental health speedily declining. I was rotting from the inside out. I kept grasping and grasping for anything or anyone to hold on to but suddenly the entire world stilled, quieted and I was utterly alone. I decided Sam didn’t define me that sure it was hell living without him but I could do it. I was determined to succeed at living without Sam. I would show him that I didn’t need him just as much as he didn’t need me.

[magsoul]

"I keep coming back to you, no matter how much shit you put me through, no matter how much heartache you cause me, I'll always be tethered to you because I believe you need me just as much as I hate to need you."

-Ellie