How To Look Busy at The Office (And Get Complimented For It Too)
I've recently started a new job that at the moment requires a lot of time at my desk, and not a lot of time doing anything else. Despite trying to stay proactive, my higher-ups have told me that, "frankly, there's just nothing to do right now." However, this doesn't give me free reign to Facebook, share new YouTube videos, read gossip columns, play Candy Crush, and listen to a playlist your friend made on 8tracks.com. Or does it? Here are my eight steps to achieving absolute success in the work place while completing absolutely nothing (except cementing your place at the center of your friends' social media)
8) When listening to music, keep one ear open at all times. Don't sit back in your chair and lounge, but find an excuse to type so that it looks like you're "in the zone" and not daydreaming about some girl you met three weeks ago who just refuses to call you back (or text) while you sadly listen to Ella Fitzgerald and tell yourself "I'm going for a long run when I get home," only to get home and remember that you don't "run" anymore.
7) If your cubicle neighbor has a habit of yelling out things like, "Will, check out this video of a referee getting kicked in the face" across the office, revert to Step 8 and pretend to be "in the zone" and act like you didn't hear him. Then find that video and watch it.
6) When there's nothing going on, ask your superiors if there's anything you can do. When one finally gives you a project, ask when they need this by, and stretch out the completion time as much as possible, as long as it's in before the time requested. If a lower superior tries to give you a second task, take the task, but add "I'd be more than willing to do this, I just need to complete [your superior's] project first." This way, the lesser-superior superior remembers their place and quietly slumps back to their life of middle management.
5) Every secretary likes to be talked to like Money Penny, but remember two things: your suit doesn't fit you like Sean Connery's two-button in From Russia with Love and your secretary is a man.
4) Always have a separate window open for your Gmail. Everyone needs emails, so it's always a valid excuse that you're just "waiting on that email from the VP so I can go ahead and confirm this order." Once the coast is clear, switch back to that video of the referee getting kicked in the face. I mean, that dude took a right foot straight to the beak. It's unreal. Also, make sure you actually have Gmail before continuing with this step.
3) If you have any other form of email, set up a Gmail account. It's a shame that the Y2K bug didn't actually wipe out your AOL account in the first place.
2) If you feel the urge to chat with friends, don't do it on Facebook. Use Gchat, which can be accessed through your Gmail account, which you now have because you're an adult living in the United States of America. Facebook means you're having fun. Gchat means you're being professional. Who needs to know where that link you sent your buddy actually goes? It's on Gchat, so it must be work related.
1) Don't stop drinking coffee. Even when you've had enough, keep drinking it. You don't want to be the sober one at the party, so get on that level. About 90% of the important conversations your superiors need to have is said over the coffee pot (which, let's be honest, is actually a Keurig). So sack up and caffeinate.
Follow these eight simples steps, and in no time you'll be at the top of the office food chain. Unless, of course, you don't need to follow these steps because you got a job when you first came out of college two years ago, like you planned, and you don't have time to follow these steps because you are terribly busy with responsibilities, like finding a replacement for that kid that keeps yelling about some sport called "soccer" across the office. Either way, good luck!
- Will "Glengarry Glen Ross" Abeles
discoholicmusic
pixelskylines
tangentwithtanner
blakekathryn
turnnoffyourmind
baratheonpilled
andulkaphoto
jacobvanloon
kianamaiart