This isn’t quality but I just wanted to take a moment to share. If you read it all, I’m proud of you and I’m actually really happy you’ve done so. This whole thing is completely genuine. I wrote it all myself, spur of the moment straight from my heart… At the end of the summer, I met this incredible guy. Well, sort of. I met him on twitter. He lives a little over 1000 miles away from me.. At first, I was excited to have a new friend who lived in a different state; we’d have lots to talk about and learn lots of new things. But as the time passed, the leaves changed, and the weather cooled, I fell in love. Now I never believed it was possible to fall in love with someone you’ve never met. You can’t watch their eyes light up as they talk about something they love. You can’t bury your head in their chest and get lost in your new favorite smell. You can’t hold their hand or watch them laugh. But I’ve come to realize that doesn’t really matter. Because you can still hear their sleepy voice as they’re trying to not fall asleep on you. You can wake up to a long text about how excited they are for when you finally meet. You can learn things about them that they may never say if you were physically together. You fall in love with their personality. It’s incredible, really. However, not everything can be perfect forever. Five weeks ago, he thought we should take a break. Long distance relationships can be really hard when you aren’t sure when you’ll see the other. But finally, after 2 weeks, we both decided to try and make it work. However, a couple days later, things got difficult. He told me his parents were taking his phone and we would have no way to talk. He was right. I’m not sure why they did all of this, or what he did to be in so much trouble. I do know that he told me his parents said they didn’t want him talking to me anymore. They said I was a bad influence on him. I don’t even know what to think of that. I called his phone and it said the number had been disconnected. His twitter was deleted. It’s all gone and I have no way to talk to him. It’s been exactly 3 weeks since I’ve heard absolutely anything from him. A little less than 2 weeks ago I decided to write him a letter. I don’t know his address but I do know his school. I wrote his name on the envelope and addressed it to his school. I have no idea if he got it. No clue. I’m just so scared and I don’t know what to do. I have no one to talk to. I’m waiting though. I love him. I really do. We have this thing where if we’re ever missing the other, we just look at the moon at night because we know that we can both look at the same thing at the same time. We are both under the same sky looking at the same moon and I am completely fascinated by the idea of that. Tonight I went and layed on the roof of my house just looking at the moon and the stars. Somehow it felt like we were together. It sounds insane I know and to be honest I think I’m going a little insane from all of this. All of this not knowing. But I know that sooner or later he will be back. We will be back. I miss him like crazy but time fixes everything. Never give up.
oH MY GOSH guys okay so it has officially been six weeks since I have heard a single word from him. I was sitting in algebra this morning, just a normal day at school today. However, I got a text from a random number. I figured it was just from someone who I hadn’t saved their number yet. I opened the text, and it said (I’m putting ___ in place of personal info) “Hey it’s ___. Don’t text back, this isn’t my phone just listen. I have missed you so so much you have no idea. When you read this, download the app GroupMe. There make an account and then on the top right corner, click the bubble and then click direct message. Type my email ______@____.com please do it as soon as you can. I want to talk to you so bad. I will explain everything. Do exactly what I told you. I love you makayla”. I started shaking so much. I was about to take a test and my mind was completely blank. It was incredibly unexpected. I downloaded the app and messaged him right away. We’ve been talking and trying to figure things out. His parents took away all of his social media accounts and blocked my phone number, because they think I am a bad influence on him and that I will just end up hurting him. They don’t want us talking but that won’t stop anything. It may have taken 6 weeks but we are starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I am going to be in the same state as him during spring break and I’m just praying we get to meet. Wish me luck and I hope that things get better from here.
(If you haven’t read the previous posts, read those first!!) But Wow, it’s been almost 2 years since this… and oh my how things have changed. For starters, he’s now a freshman in college. You know what that means? He chose me. He goes to college 35 minutes away from me. His family lives over 1000 miles away but he chose to go to college in my state so close to me. He plays baseball there, and see him most weekends. I met both of his parents when they came down to move him into school. Honestly I can’t even explain how great things have been. It’s been a long and seriously crazy ride for sure but it’s been totally worth it. Just wanted to update everyone and let y'all know that things will work out in the end if it’s truly meant to
Man, what a journey this has been. We met just over 4 years ago. Absolutely crazy. I was almost 16 when we met and now I’m almost 20. But here we are, the time I never thought would come. We broke up, and I really don’t have to words to express how much I’m hurting. It’s so sad, because it’s all my fault. He loved me so much. I truly believed he would never ever leave me because he seriously loved me that much. and that’s where I went all wrong. I began to use him as my verbal punching bag, someone to let out all my hurt and anger on that usually didn’t even have to do with him. I would say some terrible hurtful things that I didn’t even mean just because I was fighting my own battles. I never for a second realized how much I was hurting him and how I was turning him away to where he finally had had enough. And now, God, I would do anything to go back in time and not do those things. I’m so upset with myself. I lost the love of my life because I don’t know how to control my own emotions. I began to hardly ever express how much he meant to me, although it was and still is a great deal. Despite my absolute best efforts, despite fighting as hard as I could, this was a battle I could not win. I am so sad, destroyed really. We had had our problems of course, and ‘broken up’/talent breaks before, but that was always my doing and I always knew I’d be back. I just needed space. But this time it’s all on him and I can just tell that we won’t be back together any time soon. And that kills me. I pray so hard that I can have another chance because I KNOW this time I will be a new person, the person I was when we were both happy together. This sucks. Absolutely sucks.
hard to believe it has been just over an entire year since we said our goodbyes. what a year it has been. mostly a year of absolute heartbreak and trying my best to get on with day to day life, trying my best to pretend it never happened and pretend I’m okay. though I know everything happens for a reason, that reason is still mostly unclear to me and I would give anything and everything to go back to one normal day with this most special human being. I know it’s probably rather ridiculous that it’s been a year and I still sob to myself more often than I should. Anytime I see an old picture, read an old message, find an old gift… my heart shatters once more as all I can think about is what used to be and what could have been. one of the worst things in this life is watching the person you love fall in love with someone else and not being able to do a single thing about it. I want to be happy because I know that he is happy but man, to let another girl have the love of your life is painful beyond words. everytime there is a very small text conversation between he and I, I pray over and over that he tells me he misses me. but to no surprise it is yet to happen, nor will it likely ever. I came across an old video today of us that had me laughing a laugh that quickly turned to tears as I remembered it is only a distant memory with a new stranger. if there is anything I learned from all this, it is that I wish I would have appreciated those moments more. the videos I have where we are laughing and smiling and being happy, if only I had known that one day those pictures and videos would be all I had left of the most wonderful time of my life, I most certainly would have cherished the moment more. but I suppose that is an important lesson for us all, as every single moment will soon be a thing of the past. Sure, there are new, potentially even greater moments to come. but nothing really compares to the past; it seems that all the best moments have already happened. So as I sit here wallowing in my own self pity, over something I am well aware should not hurt me anymore, I remind myself how important it is to live where you are in the moment, to love who you’re with in the moment. I could not be more grateful for the time spent together, but man, I could not be more heartbroken at the fact that there are no more moments left.
“broken heart, you timeless wonder. what a small place to be”
2,463 days ago I wrote the very first post. I had just turned 16. I am 23 now, and it has been 3 years since he and I went our separate ways. To be honest, I could write an entire book over this experience. And someday, I just might. But for now...
Things are weird. They’re confusing. There’s hope, but there’s pain. Pain that I had suppressed for the past year. You see, not too long after he and I broke up, he started dating another girl. And that cut deep for a very long time. But eventually, I got used to it, and even though I knew I would always love this man, I found pure joy and happiness within myself. It’s a long story, but the past year and a half (ish) of my life have been so great. I learned to love myself, I learned how to be happy, I worked so hard to dig myself out of a deep depression. I’ve been very single and that has worked wonders on my well-being. He and I would very occasionally have a small conversation through snapchat and then we’d go back to being strangers again. But a couple of weeks ago, I found out that he and her had broken up. He was single again. But honestly, I tried to ignore it because I was happy now. Our occasional Snapchat conversation became a little more frequent, and I suggested grabbing drinks sometime to catch up. He agreed, and I told him to just let me know when. Another couple weeks passed by, which got us to my birthday. About halfway through the day, he texted me happy birthday and we had a small conversation through the rest of the day. I had dinner with my family, and after it was over he asked what I was up to. Coincidentally, I would be driving right past where he lives to get back home. He mentioned that he owes me a drink sometime, and I said “well, I’ll be driving right by on my way home (;” he laughed and said he was already in for the night. I told myself I was done trying now, because if he really wanted to, he would. but I felt like I was being pushy and he just didn’t want to, so this would be the final time I asked him to hang out. I responded with “okay okay, no worries hahah. even though it’s my birthday (;” just as a joke, and I pulled out of the parking lot of the restaurant I had been stalling around at and began to drive home. but then he responds with “well, do you want to just come here and I’ll come down?” My heart. Of course I want to. I said, “sure, just tell me where to go” so he sent me his address and said “do you want to go grab drinks?” I said, “sure, I thought you didn’t want to haha” and he responded with “yeah well you convinced me”. I drove to his apartment and picked him up. 10pm. We headed to a bar and had our first in-person conversation in three years. God, I’ve missed this man. I forgot just how much. We talked about anything and everything for six straight hours before I took him back home at 4am. The topic of getting back together someday definitely came up. He remembered specific details of conversations we had years ago. And eventually, he kissed me. It was pure magic, but it wasn’t filled with butterflies and nerves. It felt safe, it felt like home, and it is a moment I will never forget. But he also told me he did not want to get my hopes up, and obviously he’s not looking to jump into anything at the moment. Once we got back to his place, I pulled up and he leaned over to give me a hug. He kissed me on the forehead, stepped out of the car, and said “we’ll see what happens”. “We’ll see,” I responded. He told me goodnight and to text him when I got home. It’s been almost two weeks since that night and we have talked here and there but nothing consistent. I know he is still hurting from his recent relationship, and that cuts into me knowing he feels for her what I’ve felt for him all this time. It’s so hard telling where this will go, but I know I am terrified. However, part of me feels peaceful, because deep down I know this is my soulmate. I know that whatever is meant to be, will be, and I truly believe that in the end, it is us. Someday I will update this again, and maybe he and I will be getting married or maybe this all will have ended and I will be shown that someone else was my soulmate all along. Only time will tell.
