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deitywork

On Disregarding Female Dynamics when Social Climbing

This is something that has been on my mind, and while not what I originally planned to write about in this series, I figured it was fundamental none-the-less, and something that has a lot of value in being addressed.

A major failure I see repeated time and time again by young women (in particular) in the game of social climbing, is the neglect of other women. And no, I don’t mean this in a #girlboss #bossbabe bullshit tangent.

In both corporate and social circles (particularly corporate), many appear to have no understanding of power dynamics, and how these manifest differently between the (cis) sexes. Here’s a bare bones description:

Masculine power dynamic: Pyramid shaped. You are more powerful the more people are below you, and the fewer people are above you.

Feminine power dynamic: Interconnecting web shaped. You are more powerful the more connections you have, and the more sway you have in preventing others from forming connections. The fewer connections and ability to form connections you have, the less powerful you are.

Men assert dominance by displaying more brute social capital and dominance. Women assert dominance by maintaining the highest quality social circles, and having the power to accept or veto others access to them.

Here’s the crux:

When a young woman begins moving up the social ladder, she does so by emulating masculine power dynamics. I myself am guilty of previously doing this. For example, lone career success, attendance at university networking events (or non specialized ones, guaranteed to be majority male), appealing to mens (sexual) desires to further yourself.

There’s nothing innately wrong with playing to those dynamics, but what doing only this does however, is disregard the other half of every power dynamic out there. You can’t read and complete half an exam and expect to succeed.

If you truly want to move upward socially, you need to be aware of and work with female power dynamics. You need to become a member of the in-group.

Further Discussion:

Men are innately stupid an easily entranced by base level things like female attention and sex appeal. This is true across both low and high income circles. It doesn’t matter, men are the same and they’re all easily manipulated.

Women in the same social circle as these men are fully aware of this, and so look down on any newcomer they see only targeting men. The strategy of only courting male attention to gain social access is blatant and rookie, and more importantly, is easily shut down. It is the women and women alone who have the final say as to who is accepted into the group. Courting only men will never work. Learn this off by heart.

If you truly want to be accepted and integrated into a higher social group, you must gain the acceptance and more importantly, approval, of the women in that group.

So how can one do this? Easy:

Avoid being seen to only associate with men, or neglect women.

Application: In a group dynamic in a social event (bar, business networking, etc), speak to and befriend the women in the group before turning attention to the men.

Become the type of person who other women of high social standing would want to form a connection with.

Application: don’t hang around them to leech - bring something more to the table. Your grooming, social grace, connections, success and ability to advance the group socially should aim to go above and beyond, or at the minimum not detract from the group. Groups won’t accept anyone who detracts from them - that’s a quick ticket right out.

Further application: figure out what your desired group values then put in the effort to become that. Create a stellar business reputation. Become known in charity and philanthropic circles. Keep your grooming and hygiene up to standard, whatever those may be. Form many beneficial connections among many differing groups that can be passed on to your new group (be their connection to other high quality people). You get my drift. Put in the effort.

Don’t be afraid of other women higher up the social ladder than you. Insecurity breeds aggression, which achieves absolutely nothing. Aggression is a sign of weakness, and you need to internalize that. If you really really really can’t get rid of your aggression, then for the love of god figure out a way to hide that shit, or you’ll never get ahead.

Application: Actively seek out women in the groups you aim to gain entry to, and make yourself known to them. Join their sporting clubs, business networking events, social clubs. Be friendly! Be sociable! Don’t seek to undermine or disrupt their power balance! Join them seamlessly!

What I Really Need You to Understand:

Here’s a less known goldmine that should be a lot more utilized: Women only social clubs!

Every major city will have one! These are comprised of successful business women, wives of successful businessmen, philanthropists, ladies who lunch, socialites and so many more! These women are established! They are successful! They are willing to socialise! Make yourself useful to them and go and join! This is your ticket to exclusive social events, cultural experiences, other successful people (women and men alike), business and life advice, connections, connections, connections!

These women can teach you decorum, dress, unspoken social etiquette you cannot find online, and a wealth of successful connections.

They can assist you in your corporate career, introduce you to men directly, or at the very least, give you acceptance to groups that let you meet men on your own.

If you provide value to them, they will repay you, and what they have to offer is infinitely valuable! But you have to give them something first.

The best clubs are invite only, in which case you start with business networking with successful women, and entry fee social clubs. As you prove your worth and become better connected, an invite is more probable.

The entry fee for women only social clubs appear to be significantly lower than men only (which we can’t join anyway as a member, but may attend). I would advise against joining general social clubs as they tend to be more diluted and less useful, but if that is what is available to you, then leverage that to the best of your ability.

But Dietywork, this sounds scary and like a lot of work :(

That’s because it is a lot of work. You need to put in a lot of effort to become a person who can provide value to those in higher social standing than you. Either admit you aren’t willing to work for your social climbing, or stay stagnant. Less competition lol. Make the effort or be happy with what you’ve got.

Ultimately, what I’d like to see is a change among us who are moving upwards from focusing only on men to a more holistic approach. The women of a social group will always own the men, and can and will bar you from entry if they deem you not good enough.

Ingratiate yourself to the respected, connected women of a group before you even make an attempt on their men. Or be prepared to be kicked out immediately lol.

caribbritchick

Advice for people in their 20s from someone who’s just entered their 30s....

1. Don’t waste time being fearful: go for that job that you’re certain you’re not gonna get. What’s the worse that can happen? You are rejected, but you gain interview experience. Self-doubt is really a waste of time.

2. Live in the present. Yes, it is important to plan for the future, but it is easy to put off living until it is too late. Make sure that you have no regrets about what you should have done. Do one exciting thing per year.

3. Know your worth. This applies to both work and relationships; never sell yourself short. No job or romance is more important than your self respect. Also, charge for any unique skills/services that you can offer.

4. Don’t be afraid to leave bad situations. I left a stable but draining teaching job in order to protect my mental health. Even though this was a big risk, it was the best decision I ever made. NOTHING is more important than your mental health.

5. Most 20 somethings feel that they are underachieving. This is normal - especially in today’s financial climate. Don’t feel bad if you are still living at home and cannot afford to rent/buy. I’m 30 and still living at home, saving to buy.

6. People will disappoint you, but most of the time, it’s not about you. Everybody has their own demons and traumas that make them behave in certain ways. If somebody disrespects you, assert your boundaries and keep it moving. Also, examine if there was anything you could have done to avoid the situation. But DO NOT let it eat away at you.

7. In love, nobody owes you anything. Even if they made a promise, they are their own person…Everybody has the right to change their mind and to leave a situation which is not beneficial for them. This is hurtful and hard to accept, but it is the truth.

8. Learn to enjoy your own company. Your 20s can be a lonely time as your social sphere narrows, due to employment, finances and exhaustion. Use this time to find out more about yourself and do the things that you enjoy. There is something liberating about eating at a restaurant alone.

9. Be kind, don’t gossip or overshare. I am still working on this one. It is really difficult to be kind and positive in a world full of annoying people. However, your attitude will influence how you are being perceived. If you are unkind, people will laugh at your jokes but they will never trust you. They will never trust you not to treat them as you treat other people. Remove yourself from toxic people, and only share negativity (sadness/anger/depression) with a therapist and one other person that you trust. If you overshare negative feelings, you may be stereotyped as being full of drama. Furthermore, people will want you to stay in a negative place because it’s entertaining and makes them feel better about their own lives. Just don’t do it.

10. You cannot win every battle. Within conflict, it is tempting to try to force others to agree with your perspective. However, most people are set in their ways, and find it difficult to change their views and behaviours. This is especially important when dealing with toxic family members. You may never get the apology and empathy that you seek, so it is important to accept that every battle cannot be won, and gain validation internally, rather than externally.