how I spent March-June 2011.

START AT THE BEGINNING or ask me things I. miss. every. single. second. I'd go back and relive this in a heartbeat if I could. I already feel like it's been 10 years since it ended.

[mannheimsparadox]

I wish I could burn this blog

[mannheimsparadox]

28 February 2013. some random notes.

START AT THE BEGINNING. 

It’s been 2 years since I flew to the other side of the world for a semester. I have changed so much since then, it seems like it must have been longer. I can't believe how young I was then, which makes it kinda horrible reading this blog now. In hindsight it feels like when I left for Mongolia I was an empty shell of a person, and my experience there was similar to that of a robot stumbling onto consciousness, to put it lightly.  

As far away as this experience seems, the prospect of reuniting with former classmates still makes me happier than anything else in the world.  It feels like they were the first people I ever met. 

[Laura and Nick get a special shout out because seeing them in Baltimore/DC the summer after Mongolia was the absolute best feeling in the world, still.]

If you’re reading this blog right now, you’re better off just clicking “random post” than trying to follow it from the beginning. Tumblr isn’t perfect/it skips some if you just go one-by-one. Or just browse the tags or something.

I wish I had written more about the reimmersion process. I had a rough time of it, especially once school started again.  I guess that's all better forgotten though.  Although while I'm doing shout-outs Walter should get one here. 

Okayyyy, happy reading. Sorry this sounds like it was written by a small child, try not to think too much less of me. 

IF I GOT ANYTHING WRONG PLEASE LET ME KNOW PLEASE

There are a lot of things missing from this. 

[christinedee-blog-blog]

[bernieanderson]

A universal word. (Taken with instagram)

[mannheimsparadox]

Peace Avenue, facing east. 

[ninewhitebanners]

This is the 5000 togrog bill. On the front is Genghis Khan, on the back is a crazy awesome fountain built by Mongke Khan in Kharkhorin:

a large tree made of silver, with four silver lions at its roots, each one containing a conduit-pipe and spewing forth white mare’s milk. There are four conduits leading into the tree, right to the top, with their ends curving downwards, and over each of them lies a gilded serpent with its tail twined around the trunk of the tree. One of the pipes discharges wine, a second airag (fermented mare’s milk), a third boal (a drink made from honey), and a fourth rice wine…. At the top, he made an angel holding a trumpet, and beneath the tree a cavity capable of concealing a man; and there is a pipe leading up to the angel through the very core of the tree … Outside the palace there is a chamber where drink is stored and where stewards stand ready to pour when they hear the angel sound the trumpet.

- described by a French missionary in 1254

Silver trees! Snakes! Lions! Booze! Is there any way this is not the most awesome fountain ever?

[wantsee-deactivated20160303]

[mannheimsparadox]

wantsee:

A woman selling cigarettes sits on a footpath underneath a poster advertising a bar in the Mongolian capital city of Ulaanbaatar. DAVID GRAY/REUTERS

NEW FRIANNNND

[paxmachina]

“The calendar has a magic that makes us imagine a memory can be resurrected and revived, but nothing returns.”

[mannheimsparadox]

Naguib Mahfouz -  Palace of Desire

[mannheimsparadox]

blah blah blah blah blah

it's August 2012.  and there are days that go by when I don't think about Mongolia at all.  if I have to mention it now then I have a spiel that I've given dozens of times. but it's like I'm talking about this girl I used to know. .... I still talk to/see a few of my classmates. which is mostly fine. ... what hurts the most right now is the quite stark difference between my levels of ambition.  in Mongolia it was really obvious how lucky I was to live in New York and have the opportunities that I do here. When I got back to the States it felt like I could do anything, and I wanted to do everything. But now that I've been here for 14 months it feels like I have nothing, I don't have a job or any real skills, I'm bouncing between sublets, I have only 3 "friends" if you could even call them that.  It's getting to the point where I can't take it, I don't have any hope that anything will get better.  I wish I could think of more options for myself. 

[liquidnight]

I felt that I was leaving part of myself behind, and that wherever I went afterwards I should feel the lack of it, and search for it hopelessly, as ghosts are said to do, frequenting the spots where they buried material treasures without which they cannot pay their way to the nether world.

Evelyn Waugh, Brideshead Revisited (via liquidnight)

[19-20-deactivated20160111]

mongolian airport. original (and more) here »

[mannheimsparadox]

“Already, I know that all of this will stay with me forever. It’ll haunt me, but I also fear it will make me feel grateful. I say fear because at times I really don’t want this to be a fond memory until it’s over. I also fear that nothing really ends at the end. Things just keep going as long as memory can wield its ax, always finding a soft part in your mind to cut through and enter.”—Markus Zusak, I am the Messenger

[adreamoftrains-blog]

You get a strange feeling when you’re about to leave a place, I told him, like you’ll not only miss the people you love but you’ll miss the person you are now at this time and this place, because you’ll never be this way ever again.

Azar Nafisi (from Reading Lolita in Tehran)

[mannheimsparadox]

last day last day

Tugso picked me up at the hostel at 8ish. drove me to the airport and helped me carry my things and waited with me for the gates to be open and gave me a hug goodbye.  

I went through one of the security points and the guard was all serious and pulled me out of line to look at my passport/visa, but then when he read it suddenly was all smiles and wished me a happy birthday. :)  

I go sit at the gate waiting for my flight to Beijing,  trying to imagine what it'd be like to not be in Mongolia. Not really happy about it, I don't want to leave. It feels like I grew up here. 

The flight to Beijing was uneventful, it was only 2 or so hours so I just put on some headphones and tried to forget everything. It ended up being 3 hours, we got to Beijing a bit late.  and then there was some sort of problem with all the people transferring to United flights or something.  So me and a bunch of peeps had to wait a hell of a long time.  I was worried because I was only supposed to have an hour and a half layover as it was, and that was already cut in half by the first flight being late.  

I finally get my boarding pass and I run to the security line that this dude tells me to go to. And the line is long but I have like half an hour so I'm not too too worried because it seems to be moving relatively quickly. But when I finally make it to the end of this line the guy tells me that I'm in the wrong line and directs me to the proper one to wait in. 

So I go stand in this equally long line and there's only 10 minutes left until my flight to Chicago is supposed to leave. And this is only the first security checkpoint, I have to go through one more and then find the right gate, etc.  So. I pretty much start openly weeping.  I was sure I was going to miss my flight, and I wouldn't have minded putting off my return to America but I also didn't want to be stranded in China.  I already wanted to have not left Mongolia and there was nothing I could do about it. 

...So I'm standing there crying in line at the Beijing airport and there was only one person I wanted to talk to, wanted standing next to me. And I think I'll never tell you who it was.  So everyone can just assume it was them. Which wouldn't really be too inaccurate anyways.

The people surrounding me in line tried to comfort me.  They told me once I was issued a boarding pass the flight wouldn't leave without me.  I still couldn't stop crying though.

I ended up making it just in time for my flight. I boarded right behind this Peace Corps girl who I had actually seen a couple times before in UB. 

I sat next to a West Virginian and her son. They were returning from some sort of group trip to China. I had an aisle seat in the middle section.  I spent the whole time watching Trainspotting on my iPad or trying to fight back tears. ... It was a 12 or 13 hour flight, but with time zone crossings and all we ended up arriving at the exact same time we had left... 

I get to Chicago and it's weird but normal.  I walk around the airport and try to get in touch with my sister to update her on my flight schedule.  The flight gets delayed quite a few times, which I'm happy about. I don't want to be in Rochester. ... I talked to Nathan for a bit on facebook, when I found some wifi.  He wished me a happy birthday. etc. 

Flight to Rochester also uneventful. We left at like 10pm if I remember correctly. I had a window seat, sat next to this random dude.  We talked for a bit when boarding, but I ended up just sleeping the whole way. 

I vividly remember walking as slowly as possible from the plane to the welcome gate. I can perfectly imagine the ramp up to that wall of windows where my family was waiting for me.  I was happy to see Natalie but other than that....  I'd never tried harder to will time to stop, nor do I remember ever being as conscious of my movement through it. 

[mannheimsparadox]

24 June 2011

Last day. 

I went to lunch with Caroline at Papas and she started singing happy birthday and a bunch of Mongolians at the table next to us started singing to me too. :)  We talked about our favorite books. 

Last night. 

I was alone at the hostel for a while.  I was doing some laundry in the sink and I was hanging some shirts on the balcony to dry.  There was a concert happening at the Grand Khaan Irish Pub.   I sat out there and listened for a while.  It was an American band playing American songs.... They played "Take It Easy" and "Sweet Home Alabama" and "Pride and Joy" and "Knocking on Heaven's Door" and I was almost in tears by the time they got to "Change the World" ....  I think I actually took a video of a song or two, I'll have to find it. 

[mannheimsparadox]

23 June 2011

So I arrived at Kempinski, I have no idea why.  I couldn't think of anywhere else.  I went in and asked what their cheapest room was, and if I could rent it for just, like, 8 hours.  They said they only had suites available. (?????)

I ended up just asking if they could hold my sleeping bag for me.  They gave me a little coat tag and put it in the closet.  That was nice at least.  I left and walked south to Red & Black. The restaurant that is open 24/7.  I sat there all morning.  

I went to Cafe Amsterdam and they had some new paintings up. 

That peachy one on the left is of a woman and a...horse. 

I walked to the hostel at 3pm maybe and checked in. It was super cozy. It was just one room of bunk beds.  I took the top bunk on the far wall.  Only 3  were occupied, of maybe 8 beds in the room. 

Some girl came back later... We were talking and I told her I had just come back from Bayankhongor, and she was like oh I came from there too.  I walked all the way there from Chennai.  INDIA.  Crazy/awesome. 

GobiTours Guest House.  It was across the street and one block to the west of Sukhbaatar Square. 

I walked back to Kempinski to get my sleeping bag that evening.  It hit me really hard how much I didn't want to leave. 

[mannheimsparadox]

22 June 2011

So my family did drive me back to the city center today haha.  Flood or no. It didn't seem to be a problem.   It was my host dad, uncle, aunt, and their daughter.   We stopped once to talk to this guy who was near the road... It was awesome because my uncle just asked him if this was the right road to get to the aimag center, and the guy said yes,  and it was a weird feeling being able to understand them? 

We hung out at uncle's place for a while.  In the ger districts of Bayankhongor city.  

I got on a russian van.  With 16 other people. Sixteen.  There were two rows of seats and then another row behind the driver/passenger that was facing backwards.  Which was where I was sitting.  Right in the middle. And yeah it was 13 hours again.   People were so nice to me, it was totally fine.  Someone bought chocolate covered raisins and offered some to everyone. It was nice.  I was really happy to be traveling on my own. It felt good. 

We stopped at a restaurant in a teeeeeny little town.  Like a one-street town.  I didn't eat though, I just hung out outside and watched kids play soccer. 

We arrived in UB at 3am.  Sooooo inconvenient.  I didn't have anywhere to go, I wasn't supposed to check in to the hostel until some time in the afternoon, and I didn't think they would open their doors to me at this hour. Sooo.  I ended up getting in a cab and telling the driver to head towards Kempinski?  It was super awkward.  The guy gave me his number and told me to call him if I ever needed a ride again. 

[mannheimsparadox]

21 June 2011

Today I just chilled around the ger, playing with the little children. 

Host dad tried to explain to me that it would be impossible to cross the river for quite some time, so it looks like I was gonna be here for a while.  I was like, um, no, I have to be back because my flight leaves the morning of the 25th... 

We ended up calling Bagana on my cell phone... It was their idea, they remembered him from the program... It was an ordeal, we had to walk around and hold my phone in the air and shit, looking for a signal.  

I remember thinking that the phone call didn't really resolve anything? I was worried. 

Bat wanted to show his mom the pictures he took on my camera yesterday...  He ended up deleting all my pictures.   Yeah. 

He kept taking pictures though. 

This is me trying to smile but not making it in time hahahah:

[mannheimsparadox]

20 June 2011

First thing in the morning we all had to move the ger because it was flooded.  So I was bare footed and up to my shins in water and was carrying stuff out of the ger to a random spot about 50 feet away.  They knew it was gonna flood so they had moved everything to above the floor... 

We stuffed everything in uncle's car and drove to a different spot like 3 minutes away. 

There ended up being a guy in a russian van that came by. He helped us move stuff? ..... -_-

Bro and I went out herding for a while.  He commandeered my camera and took a bunch of pictures. 

I had to sit in an actual Mongolian saddle. It was pretty uncomfortable. I have no fucking idea how male people can sit in this. 

Or my butt is just too huge. 

The family and I and some visitors went through all the pictures on my camera.... Some pictures of Zaisan and of Ulaanbaatar and things? Mungunmorit, Delgerkhaan...  There were definitely some pictures with Jesse though, because everyone recognized him.  And they were all like "ooooo Jesse pivo durtai" hahahaha.   They asked me how he was and all I could manage to say was that he was good/in Korea.