“Do you think we made the right choice?” “I don’t know yet. I guess we just have to wait and see if he finds a way back. Don’t think that this means that I won’t be thinking about everything that could go wrong. Or think that one thing in our lives could go right.” “Well, just don’t keep it all inside. You’re good at that, Dean.” Dean shakes his head and leans into his hands. Slowly, it becomes obvious that he is lost in thought. Tears slowly come to his eyes. Cas knows Dean enough to not to interrupt him and slowly backs away. He closes the door as he walks out, gently, knowing that Dean would find him when he was ready. Cas has only been living in the bunker for a few weeks, but still things don’t feel right. He and Dean barely talk. Then again, Dean hardly leaves his room. Cas still hasn’t found a way to be human again. His grace has returned, but the range of human emotions affects him. Dean’s sadness, Dean’s wrath, Dean’s loneliness, these things he cannot understand. Still standing outside the door silently, he heard Dean breathe in deeply and sigh. Cas could not imagine what he heard next… a single gunshot. “DEAN!” Cas outstretches his hand and bursts through the door. Dean is laying on the floor, curled up on the floor hugging his knees. Thank God, he was still alive. “Cas, I can’t, not… not without Sam.” Cas pulls him off the floor and roughly places him on the bed. Dean’s breathing finally slows, and he finally shuts his eyes. Cas doesn’t leave the room, but rather realizes that it is his time to lose himself in thought. Leaning back, he closes his eyes and questions how things could have gone so wrong. Dean and Cas both blamed themselves. It was who they are, and who they had learned to be. Hours pass and still Dean sleeps. Hour after hour passes and still Cas stays. It’s been weeks since Dean has slept without the aid of a fifth of whiskey and major pain medication. Still, Dean dreams and rest uneasily. Sometimes dreaming that he and Sam are traveling to the newest job, other times dreaming about how many times he has lost Sam. Each time he wakes up, he thinks for a brief second that this reality is still a dream, but his latest nightmare is still true. Dean bolts upright, screaming. Dean is still sleeping and so Cas careful walks around to the other side of the bed. “Dean,” Cas whispers. No reaction from Dean. “Dean,” Cas says slightly louder. Finally, Cas touches Dean on the shoulder, and gently says, “Dean, wake up.” “Sammy?” “No, I’m so sorry.” Despite Cas’s lack of humanity, his heart aches to say this to Dean, again. Sam is still dead, and with each passing day, it seems less and less likely that Sam will find his way home again. This whole situation, started with the decision to salt and burn Sam’s body. Both man and angel agreed that it needed to be done, but it just seemed so final. In the life of a Winchester, finality was so hard to come by, and Dean and Cas ended the chance of Sam finding his way back. Although both pretended there was hope, soon both would have to admit that Sam was gone. Gone for real. Dean lies back down and turns away from Cas. Instead of leaving, Cas waits until Dean finally starts talking. “Cas, he’s really gone, isn’t he? When I close my eyes, I just see him lying there. I wasn’t even there when he died. How could I do this? How could this happened? I killed my little brother, my Sammy. To answer your question from days ago, I do think that we might the right choice. With all the crap that Sam had seen, there is no way that he was going peaceful.” Cas sits silent and thinks. In a case like this, he knew that nothing that was said would change anything that Dean though. Words aren’t remembered, but just being there was. “Dean, we both bare the blame. But Sam, Sam was a hunter he knew that this end was possible. Still, he went out on that hunt. Don’t say that it was just for you, or for I, that he died. He died because of his love of humanity and his belief in redemption. It doesn’t heal the wounds, not even time can do that, but your brother died a hero.” “Cas, can you see him? Is he in heaven? With Jess?” Ever since Cas had gone through the ordeal or losing, stealing, and retrieving his grace, he had not regained all of his heavenly abilities. Being able to see into personal heavens was one of the skills that he had never regained. With this gone, he had feared that Sam had not reached heaven. Cas thought of the best and worst case scenario, that he was either in heaven or that he was lost to oblivion. He considered telling Dean the truth, but instead he lied. “Yes, Dean. Sam is in heaven. He is teaching Jess about Jo and Ellen. He is happy and at peace. He believes that you are safe and happy.” Both knew that Cas was lying, and both chose to believe that lie. A few more weeks passed. Each week, Dean slept a little more, drank a little more, and opened up to Cas a little more. Eventually, Dean feigned forgiveness for himself and for Cas’s involvement. The other hunters knew well enough what the loss of a Winchester meant, both to surviving sibling and to the hunting community. They knew better than to call and knew to look for more hunts, because Dean would be out of the game for awhile. Cas found the first case that Dean took after losing same. There were strange disappearances in small town Wisconsin. All that was left behind of these missing men and women was a strange orange substance. “Sam would have figured this out already,” Dean muttered, unaware that Cas could hear him. “I know, Dean. I miss him too.” Cas, deliberately said. Even though Cas and Dean shared a more profound bond, Cas had grown to respect Sam. Both had messed up and put the world in danger more than a few times, but still they worked together and found a way out. Sam and Dean reminded him of the closeness that he once felt with his brothers, before the fall. Before he caused them to fall. “Let’s get on the road.” Dean was taken aback, he had not anticipated that Cas would ask to come along. “Okay, fine. Just give me a minute.” Dean tosses Cas the keys to Baby. “Start her up for me.” Dean walks slowly to what was once Sam’s room. He looks at the “Hang in there, Kitty” poster and laughs without any happiness in his heart. “See you soon, Sammy.”
