María

Escribo porque sí

[mariaescribe]

Time to rewatch Bojack Horseman and ruin my life. Again.

[mariaescribe]

When he asked me for a break and I broke up with him instead. Fucking Asshole.

[mariaescribe]

Time keeps passing, life keeps happening, but I'm still stuck in 2020...

[mariaescribe]

[mariaescribe]

Oh! To feel unwanted and disposable...

[mariaescribe]

And the truth is I'll never forget you, because you fucking ruined me.

[mariaescribe]

For someone who has crippling anxiety, the idea of "listening to your gut" is unfathomable to me. How am I supposed to tell the difference between them? They are both telling me "if you do this, everything's going to fall apart".

[mariaescribe]

Forcing yourself to stay, even when there's no love left, turns you into a ruthless monster. You'll find yourself justifying inexcusable behaviors, offering vacant apologies, looking numbly at tearful eyes.

Save them from you, from your callousness, your contempt. Let them go.

Save yourself from becoming that monster, from that apathy, from that darkness brewing deep inside you. Let them go.

[mariaescribe]

If you really believe you 'owe' nothing to anyone then late stage capitalism hasn't taught you anything about individualism. And how it is nothing more than a filthy lie.

You do not live in a vacuum. We all need each other, even if you refuse to acknowledge it. Community is what we are, what we crave. Our connection to others is what makes us whole. It's such a fundamental part of who we are, that we even need someone else to give us life.

[mariaescribe]

I often wonder how much of my life I've unconsciously erased, how much of myself I've forgotten. Most of the time, the memories appear as lightning, vanishing as soon as they arrive, leaving a sense of uneasiness behind.

A fleeting scent, a muffled tune, a fading vision, a vague feeling. All distant, but painfully familiar.

They disrupt my mind and uncomfortably pull me out from the convenient and perpetual haze of my distractions.

Of course, there's no way to distinguish between fabricated and actual memories. And it leaves me thinking...how exactly does that come to be?

[mariaescribe]

As much as it pains me to accept it, I have come to the realization that there must be something utterly and irrevocably wrong with me.

Being the way I am. It can't be right.

[mariaescribe]

Ningún ser humano debería vivir con tanta culpa.

[mariaescribe]

Extraño los momentos en los que sentía que mi vida se acababa porque un imbécil había decidido engañarme. Extraño el consumirme por los sentimientos, sentirlos profundos, crudos, eternos. La libertad de ignorar el ruido de fuera y sumergirme completamente en mi misma.

La rutina y las responsabilidades de la vida adulta me han robado esto. Me han quitado todo.

[mariaescribe]

Llegué al mundo con ganas de irme.

[mariaescribe]

Am I pretty or am I you-have-to-get-to-know-me-first-to-progressively-start-to-consider-the-possibility-that-I-am-pretty pretty?

[mariaescribe]

No puedo evitar despertar con la certeza de haber sido un fracaso

[mariaescribe]

As much as it pains me to accept it, I have come to the realization that there must be something utterly and irrevocably wrong with me.

Being the way I am. It can't be right.