"Do what you can, where you are, with what you have." - T.R.

[marielang]

13Aug22 0437

I miss you every day.

I love you.

I miss the way you hold me.

I miss the way you loved me.

I miss all your good mornings.

I miss you. More than you'll ever know. Less been 122 days. And no one can replace you.

111120212311

[marielang]

01Jun22 0212

I miss you so much every day. I hope that you’re well. 

[marielang]

05Dec21 0131

I still think of him every day. I wonder how he's doing. I wonder if he thinks of me. It's sad when I think about how close we were and after one conversation, how we've become strangers. How we were once important to each other and after one conversation, we aren't allowed to talk to each other like normal people. He was my best friend. I talked to him every single day for the past 6ish years. And after one conversation, gone.

It's like he's dead. But he's not. I still think of him every day. And it's sad how I can't reach out and just ask, how's it going? How've you been? What've you been up to? How's your allergies? My eczema has been acting up. Do you know what happened to 4pklabs? Their ig just disappeared. I have questions about conversations we've had of things I don't remember. Like remember at the first Fridays - there's this artist that painted the fingering wet brain? Do you remember that artist? What's his ig? Or certain restaurants we've eaten at...what are they called again? Have you tried the new menu at five points yet? Which do you think is like best?

I wonder if we'll ever talk again. I hope you're happy and well.

[marielang]

27Oct21 1033

It doesn’t matter what your answers to my questions are. I don’t want to know your answers. I don’t need your closure. The answer remains the same. You let go of us. You don’t think we’re worth it anymore. You let go of me. Our chapter is closed.

It doesn’t matter if you miss me. Or if you still feel pain when you think of me. If you care for me and worry about me. It doesn’t matter that you check on me. It doesn’t matter anymore. We’re done. You’ve made that clear.

Because if you truly loved, cared, missed, felt all the pain in the world from losing me or us - you would do something. You haven’t.

The one thing that has been consistent throughout these years have been you giving up on us. I remember all the times that you tried to leave when I’m going through personal hardship. Literally less than 48 hours of my home robbery when I was literally trying to pick up pieces of my home and myself, you tried to leave. You got annoyed when I’m grieving over my dead grandparents. When you claim that you can’t trust that I’ll take care of shit when shit goes down. I don’t even know how to process that. Because when shit went down for me, you tried to leave, you tried to avoid, or the thought crosses your mind - almost every fucking time. I cannot believe I almost let you convince me that I am weak or incompetent. I don’t leave when times get hard. I don’t look for a way out and leave loved ones hanging. I support them even if it means making sacrifices. Because that’s what love and humanity is. 

I remember the times that you can’t even tell me that you want me or love me or even look me in the eye when you half ass-ed an I love you. I brushed it off hoping for better that never came from you. I remember the times that you told me that your time away from me bought you relief and it was the happiest you’ve felt. I held on the one time that you fought for me. The one time you told me that you loved me first. The one time in all of our time together that you didn’t say I love you with hesitance or reluctance and with semi-direct eye contact. I held on hoping. I think you held on hoping too. I kept hoping for something that was never truly there.

It doesn’t matter if you hope that we cross paths one day. It doesn’t matter if I hope that we cross paths one day. It doesn’t matter if either of us hope we work out in the end. I’ve held on to this false hope since the very beginning of our relationship. Remember when I asked you, how do you show love? And you didn’t know how to answer? I wonder if you even know how to answer that now. Remember when I asked you why you were in this relationship - and you didn’t know how to answer? I answered for you saying that you were just in the relationship because you were trying to fill a void. 

I’m tired of feeling unwanted and unloved. I’m tired of hearing that you’re the happiest when I’m not around. I’m tired of hearing that you don’t miss me. I’m tired of fighting for you. I’m tired of fighting for us. I’m tired of crying over you. I’m tired of holding onto false hope. I’m tired of holding on to you. I’m tired of feeling anxious of you leaving or abandoning me in any moment. I’m tired of these nightmares that I have next to you of you leaving me. I’m tired of feeling alone next to you. I’m tired of feeling unseen around you. So I’m letting go. I’m letting go of you. I’m letting go of us. I’m letting go of everything we had. I’m letting go of everything I wished we had. I’m letting go of whatever fantasy I hoped that we would have. I’m letting go of this pain that I’ve held on to. I’m letting go of whatever hopes I had for a future with you. I’m letting go of the shards of glass I avoided stepping on every time I mentioned a future with you.

I’m so grateful for your time and energy and whatever love you were able to provide. I’m so grateful for you being there for me in my tough times to the best of your ability. I told myself that your effort was enough, but maybe I was lying to myself. I’m so thankful for all the joys and laughs that we shared together. And the growth that we’ve had as individuals. Thank you for your generosity in sharing your life and your world with me that I grew to love so much and it’ll always be apart of me. Please know that I loved you. I loved you for all that you were. I loved you with all that I was and all that I had. When I envisioned our future knowing that you were emotionally unavailable/unintelligent - I accepted that I would have to take on the burden of facing my anxiety and depression alone. I accepted that our children would have to lean on me more when they’re upset and daddy’s checked out because he can’t deal with it or doesn’t think it’s worth his time to deal with. I accepted that if I were to get postpartum depression, that you weren’t capable of supporting me in the way I needed you to be. I accepted all of this because I loved you and wanted a future with you. But I realize now that I didn’t love myself enough. You’re right. I do deserve to have love and support me in the way I need. I do deserve to be loved fully. And that person hasn’t been you. 

Today’s going to be my last day that I’ll be crying over you. Today marks the first day that I’m letting go. Today marks the closing of a full circle of 6 years. When we first met 6 years ago, same month - around Halloween time, to today 6 years later a few days before Halloween. 

I want you to know that I’ll be fine. I’ll take care of myself. I wish you all the happiness in the world with all of my heart. You’re an amazing person. Take care of yourself.

[marielang]

19Oct21 0837

Did you know that our last moments would be our last? Or was there an intention to talk and meet up again which why you’re so calm? Or have you made peace to never talk or see me again? Does it still hurt when you think of me? Or do you smile? Does the idea of seeing me in person hurt? Or you think you’ll be fine?

Do you think we’ll cross paths one day? Do you want to? Do you hope that somewhere down the line we’ll find ourselves back to each other and reconnect? Do you think you’ll love someone else more and better than me? 

What do you do to calm the what ifs and why? I guess you don’t have any whys since you made the decision to let go and move on. Do you want to reach out but don’t? What thoughts are running through your mind? Do you not care to reach out? What do you do to prevent yourself from reaching out? What do you do to give up hope that you’ll come around? Or did you already give up that hope that we’ll ever work out? Is there a part of you that wished things turned out differently? Is there a part of you that wants us? Is there a part of you that hopes that we’ll work out in the end or in the future?

What do you do to stop missing me? Do you even miss me? Do our favorite places and walks remind you of me? Do you still want to share things with me? How is it that you can go to all of our favorite places and not doing feel the pain of missing me? How is it that you can pack up all my things and think it’s ok to never reach out? Are you trying to get rid of me? Or did you to it to prevent anymore pain on my end? Do you think of me everyday? Do you go to sleep missing me? Do you wake up wondering how i am? 

But I guess you never missed me. That’s what you said.

What do you do with the pain so that you can fall asleep? What do you do when you wake up and all you feel is pain? Pain from the loss.

Or you don’t feel that pain because you know on your end everything will be fine. Do you care that I feel this pain? Or you’re just focused on yourself?

Have you stopped wondering about me? Your views are just endless mindless scrolling you do amongst the hundreds of others? Are you hoping that I’m doing alright so you don’t have to feel the guilt? Do you feel guilt? If I’m doing fine, will you feel relief? Relief because you’re no longer responsible for the pain caused? Will it make it easier to move on? Have you moved on? Have you gone ahead and met someone new?

You said you created your bumble account while you were drunk. Is that true? The profile and pictures were all too thought out for it to be created while you were drunk. Your answers were charming and thoughtful and you’re not usually like that when you’re drunk. If it’s true that you were drunk, fine. But if you weren’t, why did you lie? Have you been meeting people already? Do they remind you of me? 

I ask all these questions. And I can think of a million ways that you could answer. And I don’t know if knowing the answers to any of these questions change or lessen the amount of pain I’m feeling.

If I ask you do you still love me. You say no. I hurt.

If I ask you do you still love me. You say yes. I hurt.

If I ask you do you still see a future with me hoping one day we’ll reunite. You say no. I hurt.

If I ask you do you still see a future with me hoping one day we’ll reunite. You say yes. I hurt. Because that future is unknown. All this hope I have is unknown.

If I ask if you still have the intention to talk about us and our next steps and you said no. I hurt.

If I ask if you still have the intention to talk about us and our next steps and you said yes. I’ll hurt but I think I’d like that. You reached out to me three days after the conversation because I think you wanted to know. You reached out asking to talk about next steps, expectations and boundaries before we meet again. Is that still on the table? Because when I reached out again a week later, you said it was too painful to see or talk to me and that we had to move on. You said that you would talk to me when the pain subsides in a few weeks we’ll talk. And when we talked a month later, a few days ago, that moment of silence on both ends. Did you have something to say? Why didn’t you say it? Or did you have nothing to say? Should I have asked if you were open to talking about us? Are you ready to? Or would you have just shut the door?

I couldn’t ask because I needed you to bring it up. But that’s just the same waiting game that I’ve been playing with you for the past 6 years. Waiting for you to grow up. Waiting for you to commit. Waiting for you to take that leap of faith. Waiting, waiting, waiting. And even as our chapter is ending now, I’m still waiting. Waiting for you to reach out. Waiting to talk about us. Waiting, waiting, waiting.

Are you distant because you feel that if you see me you’ll change your mind? And if you think that - what does that mean? Or are you distant because you don’t want to give me hope? Or are you distant because you don’t want to cause anymore pain? Why are you acting like we haven’t been each other’s closest person for the past years of our life? Why are we worse than strangers?

How are you doing? What races through your mind? Are you ok? I wish I was ok. 

[marielang]

18Oct21 2240

You started packing up all my things without reaching out to me first. You said you didn't know what the right thing to do was. You said that you started packing up all my things because every time you looked at them you were sad and you needed to take care of your mental health.

You could've just boxed up all the things that were out in the open. Why did you start packing up all my personal belongings without reaching out? Things in the drawers.

Were you packing them all up because you're trying to get rid of me as soon as possible? Were you packing them all up because you didn't want me to because you knew it would be too painful for me? Were you packing them all up because you didn't want me to say goodbye to our home? You didn't want me to apart of your home anymore. Were you packing them all up to protect me from the pain of packing it all up myself?

The last weekend I spent with you. I didn't think it would be our last. Did you? The last time I spoke with you and hugged you. I didn't think it would be our last. Did you? That last time you video called me, I didn't think it would be our last. Did you? I didn't know all those moments would be our last. Did you?

If I knew, I would've held you tighter. If I knew, I wouldn't have spent time doing other things when we could've spent it together. If I knew, I would've kissed you and told you how much I love you. If I knew, I would've said goodbye properly. If I knew, I would've held you the whole last night. If I knew, I would've said yes when you asked if I was staying over with you. Why did you ask if you were going to make it our last?

I miss us. I miss you. I miss being able to do all the things we loved doing together. Did you do all of this to spare anymore pain than you've already caused me? Did you feel pain when you were packing up my things? Did you remember all the outfits we wore together? Are you just trying to get rid of me and move on with the right intentions this time?

When I asked for a break and you said it couldn't be a year of abstinence...is that all you're thinking about? Fucking new and other girls? You just broke your girlfriend's heart. Someone you claim that you love and care about and all you could think about was fucking someone else?

Thoughts running through my mind. Why are you worth anymore of my tears, energy and time when you threw us away?

If you're reading this. Why are you?

[marielang]

18Oct21 1614

I feel pain every day from missing you. It doesn’t matter if I’m awake or asleep. I feel the same pain. I try to find relief. I try to numb the pain. And maybe it takes it away for a few minutes. 

I am reminded of you all the time. And I want to talk to you all the time. I hate you for all the pain you caused me. 

I thought we were going to talk. You promised me that we were going to talk. But when you called you said nothing. You were so distant. It was worse than you talking to a stranger next to you. 

Take care of yourself. That’s what you said to me. As if you have no intentions of talking about us anymore. You called me three days after the break up wanting to talk about next steps. It hurt to see you. I called you a week after trying to talk and you were reluctant. You said it hurt too much to see my face. That we should clear our minds and talk when we’re not in as much pain. Do you still feel pain? He told me that you were ready to reach out but you didn’t. You’d rather talk to me through someone else. Are you breaking your promise?

If it hurts to see me or see things that remind you of me why do you look at my stuff? Why are you caring? Or is it that you really don’t feel that pain and you’re just look at random shit? You stabbed me in the heart and tore me apart. Then tell me to take care of myself.

Why did you lie to me?

[marielang]

12Oct21 1230

I miss you. Wanting to talk to you but unable to hurts. I miss having you in my life. I miss seeing you and touching you and talking to you. I miss your touches. I miss your hugs. I miss everything about you. I miss waking up next to you. I miss our walks together. I miss looking at you and being around you. I miss us. I miss our home. A home that never felt real because you never truly let me in.

A home that I didn't even get the chance to say goodbye to. A relationship...that felt half empty. Because I don't think you ever let me in. And I felt it. I guess I too tried to keep you at arms length because I was tired of you giving up on us.

[marielang]

10Oct21 0835

Do you feel relief? Do you feel pain? If you feel relief, what does that tell you? And if you feel pain, does it speak louder?

I'm waiting for relief to come. It feels like no where in sight. Do you feel relief?

[marielang]

09Oct21 0112

I really really hate that you’re ok and that I’m not. Fuck you.

[marielang]

09Oct21 0101

I really hate that you can still go out and about. It’s so easy for your to make plans and forget me. It’s like there isn’t a big significant part that is missing from your life.

Everything I do. Without you. Feels like there’s a big part missing you. You continue to go out - to every event we would’ve gone to - replacing me just fine. You go out. Have drinks. Have fun. As if I never existed.

It’s so easy for you not to think of me. When was the last time you thought of me? 

[marielang]

07Oct21 0017

Hello.

I thought the days were getting “better”. Better as in I had no more tears left in me to cry. Better as in looking at pictures of you made me smile. Better as in I make plans and go through each minute without you and sometimes for a split second I forget how long it’s been since we last saw each other or talked to you.

I still want to share everything with you. Things that Bubby has done. Stuff at work. Cool news. Events or new places I want to go with you. Share foods. My life. I want to share my life with you.

But then I realize that you don’t want that. So I don’t reach out even though I miss you. You said to move on so I fill up every minute that I’m awake doing things to not remember you. You said you don’t love me so I remind myself that you don’t deserve my time or energy anymore. You said you want this to end. So I try to let go any hope I have. 

When I think there’s no more tears to cry. My body finds a way to produce them. These chest pains - I don’t know when they’ll go away. I think my body feels the trauma too. Everything aches. It’s not just from the rowing.

I started rowing with Dana. It’s somewhat therapeutic because of how intense it is - I can’t really allow myself to think of anything else or else I’d physically hurt myself. But I haven’t been able to walk comfortably the past two days because of how much I pushed myself. I don’t think my body’s fully recovered for class tomorrow but at least I’ll get my 45 minutes of peace.

I miss swimming. No public pools are open to the public during non summer season so that kind of sucks. Finding a roommate is going no where so I guess living by myself it is.

My tennis coach is a child. But I’m sure he knows what he’s doing. I got a red tennis racket. It’s not my favorite, but the manager says it’s what’s best for beginner. I’m not really a beginner but we’ll see how it works out.

Being without you feels wrong. I’ll have to readjust life. Being with you, around you - despite the ptsd and anxiety, always felt peaceful. I’ve never felt that way around anyone before. Someone I wanted to share everything with. Someone that I wake up to smiling. Someone that I want to fall asleep with. Someone I felt completely and utterly safe with. You were my special person. And letting you go is so so hard. I loved touching you. I loved talking to you. I loved the way you looked at me. I loved the way you cared for me. I loved how grounded you always were all the times I wasn’t. Thank you. Thank you for sharing these years with me.

You said that there were people out there that would be more patient and know how to support me. I know they’re out there. But if the chemistry isn’t there. It won’t mean anything. 

I hope you’re doing well. I hope that you’re happy. I miss you. More than you’ll ever know. 

[marielang]

05Oct21 1928

Your flaws are also everything I love about you. I try to remind myself all the annoying things I can’t stand, but those are the things that also make me smile. 

Cool story.

[marielang]

05Oct21 1020

Today is extra difficult. I miss you so much.

Last night, I had a little too much gummy. I think it was like 12.5mgs. I took that in the span of 4 hours because I wasn’t feeling anything even after 10 full mgs. I took the last 2.5mg and it completely altered my state of mind. I was anxious as fuck and spiraling out of control and I wanted nothing more but to feel ok and comfortable again. I was shaking, cold sweats, and the world was spinning. My heart felt like it was going to beat out of my chest - it was so loud. 

I kept thinking of you. How your voice will ground me. How you would probably come and make sure I’m ok. How you usually held me until I felt safe again. I don’t know, maybe you would’ve gotten annoyed and thought I was doing it to get attention and like me less. I don’t know. I felt sick to my stomach yesterday and all I thought about was you. I was so scared last night and all I thought about was you. 

Being with you was easy. Being with you made me feel so secure and safe. Talking to you was easy. Thinking of you is easy. I miss you so much. I didn’t call because I knew it wasn’t fair to put you in that position. But last night, made me realize how safe and secure I actually felt with you. And maybe I took that for granted. Being without you, is making me realize how easy it was to be with you.

If you read this. I’m struggling. But I’m trying to live without you. I’m trying to move forward. I’m struggling because you mean so much to me. I wonder how you’re feeling. If you’re struggling or this is easy for you. When you pack your schedule to hang out back to back with friends, do you think of me? Do you want also want to reach out and hold back? When you replace me for all the events we had planned - do you think of me? Do you envision going with me and following through instead? Or you don’t want to see me?

My mind is overwhelmed. How’re you? Roller coaster?

[marielang]

04Oct21 1031

I’m sick of missing you. I’m sick of thinking of you. I’m tired of wondering of how you’re doing when it doesn’t matter if I know. If you’re doing great, great. If you’re doing sucky, great. You’re probably doing great. I know you’re still going out, wing manning, probably going to random girls places talking about weird shit, making plans with friends, replacing me, moving on. Great, good for you.

I have up and downs. Ups are mostly numbing myself in anyway possible. If I distract myself enough, I might be able to smile. I’m working really hard to get rid of this pain. Every time I think of you I tear up, my chest hurts. I’m tired of crying over you.

I’m tired of crying. You obviously don’t think that I’m worth your time or effort or respect anymore. Then why do I keep giving you my time. Why did I keep giving you my time and love when it all didn’t matter. 

[marielang]

01Oct21 1108

Today marks the day that we first met 6 years ago.

A spontaneous decision and luck or just coincidence. That you would be within 10 miles of me on some random weekday night. You were working out late and I was in the area and didn’t feel like going home yet.

Thanks for being being brave and joining me for a ride for a few hours. I don’t remember what we talked about but it was enough for us to keep talking and seeing each other.

I had been dating several people prior to you. I lost track of how many there were. But you were the first person that I have a real strong connection with. 

Thank you for coming to me and saving me the night of my friend’s party. I was drunk and couldn’t drive home. You walked over to AFK and drove us back to your place. Things got heated and we were very close to having sex. I was open to it, but I said that if we were to have sex now - I would never see you again. If you wanted a relationship with me, you stop now. And you did. You went and jacked off and held me the whole night. 

I know that doesn’t make you special. I know there are plenty of guys out there that would’ve done the that too. But that was the first time that you indicated that you wanted a future with me.

We started hanging out more and we didn’t even go on our official date until like 3 weeks later. A little after that I knew I didn’t care to keep in touch with the other guys and I just wanted to share my time with you and I wanted to know if you felt the same way. You did. You thought about it and you chose me. I wonder now if you know how this would end, would’ve chosen differently? 

We got too close, too fast. I think I started sleeping over every weekend within the first months of us dating. You felt like you were losing too much of your personal space and had a difficult time balancing the life you had and the life with me. If we could do it all over again, I think we should’ve taken out time to get closer. I don’t think I should’ve stayed with you all those nights and we should’ve just let us gravitate towards each other. I think we got comfortable too fast without truly being comfortable.

In 6 years, I’ve gained and lost one of the most important people in my life. And now what’s left is what could’ve been. I love you. I miss you. I hope you’re doing well. 

[marielang]

28Sep21 1349

I miss you. I miss smelling you. I miss touching you. I miss holding hands with you. I miss your lips on mine. I miss the warmth of your body against mine. I miss placing my icy cold hands onto your warm body until I warm up. I miss you.

I miss being able to share things with you. I see things that make me happy that I want to share with you, then I remember that I can’t. I miss talking to you. I miss your deep comforting voice and your eyes when you look at me. I miss talking to you about my day. Because you’re the only one that I ever wanted to share everything with. 

I miss enjoying life with you. The comfort I had sleeping next to you, waking up next to you. I miss going on long walks with you in the cold or in the heat. I miss holding your hand walking along side you. I miss enjoying music, food, drinks, new discoveries with you. I miss you sharing football and city news with me because it’s so heartwarming to see that twinkle or anger in your eyes. I miss you.

I try to hold on to any memory I have of you. Any sign to see how you’re doing. I try to keep you in my life. Even though you don’t want us to be. I try to hold on to any presence you have in my life just to get the sense that you’re still in my life. Even if it’s just you signing onto instagram to look at my stories. That’s all that I have left.

I have this lingering hope. That you’ll change your mind. That you’ll find clarity. And I don’t know how to let this go. Because letting you go is horrifying for me. But it’s not that I have a choice. You’ve left. I miss you. And it’s pure torture.