Branded

[marinetq]

On one end I have my 12 yr old daughter who currently hates me, doesn’t want to spend time with me and argues about everything; on the other end I have my mom, whom I need more than ever and is fighting a battle with ovarian cancer; and I am in this strange middle ground of adulthood, not quiet sure of what comes next or if I’m doing or saying the right things. This is the shady part of life, you wake up each morning confused but yet you show up.  You realize that being present is the hardest thing you’ve ever done.

[marinetq]

So much in life is about what isn't said

MQ

[marinetq]

Sometimes the hardest acts of kindness will be the ones you give yourself.

MQ

[marinetq]

I am a noun in a sea of verbs.

[marinetq]

My life is like an Emily Dickinson poem.  Quirky and sing-songy but with a very dark undertone.

[marinetq]

Not much fun for little Harpo...

Marlin: I promised I’d never let anything happen to him. Dory: Hmm. That’s a funny thing to promise. Marlin: What? Dory: Well, you can’t never let anything happen to him. Then nothing would ever happen to him. Not much fun for little Harpo. 

Today, when I dropped off my daughter at Middle school I was told that I couldn’t go into the school.   Even after all the tween attitude she had given me earlier, she was scared.  I left and sat in my car and cried.  Then I realized that this is what growing up is all about. That even though we all say "all I want for my children is for them to be happy”, that is not our responsibility as parents.  Now, I guess I want her to be sad, fearful, and angry at times so that way, she will value what it is to be happy, courageous and peaceful.  

[marinetq]

[marinetq]

[marinetq]

“What came first – the music or the misery? Did I listen to the music because I was miserable? Or was I miserable because I listened to the music? Do all those records turn you into a melancholy person?” ― Nick Hornby, High Fidelity

[marinetq]

I always liked bad boys, even when I first saw Star Wars I liked Han Solo far more than Luke Skywalker.  All my friends liked Luke, but he was always "Using the Force" and training with Yoda, and Han Solo, was messing around with Princess Leia, getting in trouble with Chewbacca and running around the Galaxy at the speed of light.

M

[marinetq]

[marinetq]

My life changed in 3 days. What the hell just happened? It's all good.

[marinetq]

#MandalaMondays

[marinetq]

Drag Queens Saved My Life

Not so long ago I wasn’t feeling my best.    The clarity was gone.   The mirror got a bit foggy.  I was feeling bad about myself.  I started watching Rupaul’s Drag Race.  It was funny, actually it was freaking hilarious!  First I laughed at the Queens, then I began laughing at myself.  I have never been very feminine, or let me put it this way, I always thought girlie things made me look silly.  I am now in my 40′s and it seems that denying my femininity was a way to stay strong, be taken more seriously in my career.  I think that it was really just a simple way of looking at life, I am way more complex than stilettos and manicures.  I started to take better care of myself, granted I will never look as good as the girls on the show, but I was reminded that I still have it, and most important; I needed to own it.  I have to enjoy that part of myself and not just leave it for the random weekends that I get to go out.  I have to be who I am.  Denying my femininity is pretending to be someone else.  So the girls on the show reminded me to embrace all parts of myself because they were empowered by their femininity, it didn’t make them weak.  “When you become the image of your own imagination, it’s the most powerful thing you could ever do.”

In the words of my new drag mother Rupaul, I will end with the wise words that bring every show to a closing: “If you can’t love yourself how the hell you gonna love somebody else. Can I get an amen?!

[marinetq]

When the fat lady sings, I hope she can carry a tune.

I am going to die. I will die. I am dying. I know this for a fact.  I am dying as we speak.  Every day I am closer to death.  With every breath I take, I am closer to hearing the Fat Lady Sing.

This is the only certainty I can live by.  I mean I could be driving down the Palmetto and be hit by a reckless gal on her mobile who’s talking to her friend about some guy who she’s banging at the office and boom! Dead.  Or I could be crossing the street and be struck by a beautiful grand piano falling from the sky, very poetic but boom!  Dead.  Or a clot that could be slowly forming could reach my brain and I could just die in front of my computer, my face fall flat on my keyboard and when the coroner comes to take me away the keyboard panel could be incrusted in my forehead.  Lovely. Death does not become her.

Isn’t it liberating?  Every time something scares me or I think I can’t do something I just basically think about my death and somehow I feel more alive. I am alive right now. Which is totally the point I am trying to make.  Believe me I have one.  Unless I die while I’m writing and I never get to make it.  

The point is that because we do end, because there is a finish line, a flatline, and a period to this sentence, what we do, what we give, what we say, how we make others feel; are the only things that can transcend life.  Just do it now.  Say it now.  Be it now.

[marinetq]

Evening Meditation

[marinetq]

"The calla lilies are in bloom again"