A Waking Dream

A mess with cat logic

[mark1805]

Changes

They said I hadn't change a bit. Is it good or bad, I can't really tell. "You are who you are until you are not" Until then, just be you.

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03121

Selft-recognition is all you need

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Let's have a cup of tea

"Your're so stressed" - they all said. And yes, yes I'm. "Can you just accept that!? I guess not" _____________ This is one of those days when all you want is stay in bed, and do nothing but watching others lives and starting to eat yourself up. One of those day when your mind is completely blank, your body is completely exhausted and you seem to hate every single thing in this world. It's one of those day when you want to give up, but your mind is so numb it has shut down and let your body move without any consiousness. And all you want is going somewhere that youbcan actually breathe, yet other cannot understand it. And it's one of those day, when you find yourself waiting, hopelessly.

[mark1805]

"Kiss me, if you dare!"

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One “fine” day

Maybe one day, I will find peace even in such a chaotic hour. But it's not today, nor tomorrow. Today is just another exhausted day. The closer you get to them, the more painful you feel. Get angry of themm all you want. At the end of the day, you can only blame yourself, for letting them treat you like garbage, for ruining your own life, for being like this So,

"What's the point of trying?"

[mark1805]

270417 - What’s the point

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As I'm looking at the person standing in the mirror, I can't help but thinking:

"I hate that person, how can someone like that exit in this world!?"

And then all the thought come to me:

"What's the point of trying if they don't care about you anyway. What's the point of trying so hard to look "beautiful" when all the definition of it doesn't fit you!? And the fact that your mind and theirs don't think the same way, so what's the point of changing yourself, hopelessly!?"

And the last thought that comes to my mind is:

"I give up, just let me sleep, let me disappear from this world, it's for the best..."

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240417 - pain

The moment we walked into the basement to look for your motobike, I realized that what our lives are like. We met, we talk, we share... And we keep the best for other, not each other. The feeling is there but not there at the same time. And we hurt each other, one way or the other. Perharps you have moved on, but that doesn't mean I have too. The thing about this pain is that I choose to be here, to face your ice wall, just standing here, waiting and dying.

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The time

I remember that day when you said: "We need to talk" I remmeber the time you reached out to me, the time my heart skipped a beat when I hugged you. And... the time when you pulled your arm back or when you talked happily about other. I wonder if you notice if I'm not here anymore?!

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100417 - “that person”

"If you don't like what you see in the mirror, nothing matters" - I think

I try to get back on my feet, but every little "triumps" are defeated by the single thing, my reflection. I hate that person, that sad face, that poor posture, that blank look. Everything about "that person" brings me back to square one, where I'm standing alone in the crowd, cursing myself for being here. I'm exhausted again, by all the thoughts, the not-so-good jokes of those I care the most. My mind goes bad again...

[mark1805]

080417 - Ache

It's aching when you pull your arm back when I'm holding it. It's aching when you insist to pay the joke I say. And it continues aching now...

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040417 - blank mind

I cannot tell you how much it's hurt when I saw that photo again And I cannot tell you how cold I felt when I read your words But none of that's matter when your heart doesn't belong to me anymore And none of that's matter when my mind doesn't belong to this world anymore.

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Is it hard for you!?

You always try your best when I'm down, but your way just don't work for me. And I know you try very hard, I just can't stop being me. And when everything you did doesn't work, and I still act cold, you've just decided that it's best for you to leave. Leaving me here, feeling so guilty, I just wish maybe, if we had never met, you wouldn't suffer like that. I hope you know that I know how much you've done for me, even though it's not your resposibility. And I secretly hope that tomorrow you will look at me happily again, and sit here, patiently wait for my cloud goes away. Will you be here tomorrow?!

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260317

It's her. That coffee and ramen shop... *bitter smile*

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Being sensitive, is it wrong?!

I know I'm a sensitive type of person, maybe too sensitive. Is it wrong for being sensitive and ashamed when being teased? Is it wrong for feeling left when someone rather say "I'm going to bed/playing game..." than just say "Let's talk later"? Is it wrong for feeling annoyed when you say something wrong and other decide to mock you rather than just point it out? If I have been wrong all the time, there's no reason for you to be with me and maybe, there's no reason for me in this world after all.

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"Take a good photo of me sometime"

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Blank

My mind has gone blank for the last couple days (weeks), it happens every time I spend too much time with the "strong" one, and I have been with a lot of them lately. Things start to turn gray again, especially when they are all looking at me, waiting for my opinion/voice/answer and the fact that I can't even feel peace at home is the main thing that drains me out. My monochorme world turns to gray again. Alone and exhausted.

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Freezing hands and the warmth

"I'm here"- Your words are like the warmth of the sun when my hands are freezing. I just wonder if that really the warmth from the sun or it's just my imagination.