tags! jaehyun (nct) x fem!reader, student!jaehyun, strangers to lovers, slight fluff, angst, romance, jaehyun and reader are exes.
DISCLAIMER! mentions of cheating (pls pls pls cheating of any form is not condoned, i promise this is all part of the plot), mentions of sex (slight mentions of doing the deed)
It was a rare sight. He looks so happy. He looks so content. It was something that you wanted to have with him. It is something that you could never give to him.
Jaehyun has always been an eye candy. Many people see him as someone who is impossible to exist. They aren't entirely wrong because how could someone so ethereal, so kind, someone who puts others before himself and someone who is a real gentleman could exist in this cruel world?
But, as much as people say he is perfect, he really isn't. Not because you want to ruin his image to other people but because, who are we fooling? As everyone says, "Nobody's perfect." And that includes you and Jaehyun.
You met him when you were in your senior years in high school. You were both in 11th grade. He was the Star Player and you are the Student Council President. He transferred on the latter part of the semester when you were in 11th grade. He was very shy, and sometimes timid according to other people but that didn't stop people from doing their best to get noticed by him.
But, you happened. You were the apple of his eye. You were the one that caught his attention, his heart and his whole being. It started with small talks while walking down the hallways, he started to excuse you from classes and asking you to go out with him after class. You guys have been inseparable ever since.
Your friends tried so hard to make you see that he likes you. The way you like him, too. But you were just in-denial because, who would like me, anyway? You were thinking of all the possible things that could be the reason why Jaehyun acts that way to you.
I'm just a friend. He was just being nice. He's probably like that to each and everyone.
But as soon as the summer break started, he confessed his feelings for you. You thought that maybe he was just playing with you. Maybe he just wants to get a reaction out of me. Or maybe this was just a prank he was trying to pull or it can be a bet that he and his friends did.
You thought of all the possible things that could lead to him confessing to you but none of it mattered. Because Jaehyun proved to you that you are the only girl he ever loved in his entire life. You are the only girl that makes his heart beat faster, makes his day better and you were the adrenaline pumping into his veins. He loved every bit of you and you love every bit of him too.
Not until you both got into college. He immediately became a varsity player at your university which made it difficult for the both of you to make time for each other. You got busy with org meetings, he got busy with basketball practice. It was hard to find time to be with each other.
You slowly lost hope and wanted to make it up to him and so you planned to surprise him at his dorm. Both of your birthdays are nearing and it was something you both have in common. You were both born on the 14th of February. So you decided to drop by his dorm and surprise him.
You baked a cake, you bought him a new pair of basketball shoes and you dressed up a little so that you can impress him a little bit. You hailed a cab and finally, you arrived at his dorm.
Remembering that day still brings pain to your heart. Every moment was still vivid but what can you do? You can only walk away and set him free.
People never knew the reason for your break-up with Jaehyun. They knew about the break-up when Jaehyun suddenly deleted all of his social media accounts and he became MIA for half of the semester. You still kept in contact with his friends and they reassured her that he's still doing his schoolworks. They apologized on behalf of Jaehyun and told you that they did everything they could to stop Jaehyun from doing what he did to you.
You appreciated all of his friends and you knew he was in good hands because these people knew how to not tolerate a friend's wrongdoing. And eversince that night, you never saw Jaehyun again.
So I drown it out. Like I always do. Dancing through our house. With the ghost of you.
You can't believe what you just witnessed. It feels like your soul just left your body and every last bit of air left your lungs. You hear your heartbeat ringing on your ears, you felt like you were punched in the gut. But nothing beats the pain that you feel inside.
If you could only stop your own heart from breaking you would've done just that. You caught Jaehyun, on top of the girl he told you not to worry about. You can still hear their pleasured moans and groans as if they were up in the clouds, with the euphoric feeling of having each other, skin-to-skin.
Yet you were there on the doorway. Tears flowing one by one which felt like acid onto your skin. The only thing that stopped them was the sob that escaped your lips. Jaehyun's head snapped into your direction and horror was evident in his eyes. But, he didn't stop thrusting into the girl. Sob after sob, you were out of air and all you could do was to run away from that place. You didn't know where your feet took you but you are out of breath, running away from the scene that just unfolded right in front of you. As you ran, you can hear Jaehyun, yelling at you to stop.
You kept on running but your feet betrayed you and you slowly fell down on the ground. It didn't matter to you if many people saw you, that didn't matter. Thoughts entered your mind and you can't seem to find answers for these questions, "Where did I go wrong?", "Did I make him wait too much?", "Was I too prude?" Every demeaning thought came into you like a waterfall.
"Love, please... I can explain?"Jaehyun said as he caught up to you and held your shoulders. You looked straight onto the road. You didn't know if you can still speak to him. All you know is that there must've been something that you did wrong.
"Jae, am I... not enough... for you?" You said with tears falling down from your eyes. You can already tell that your cheeks are stained with mascara mixed with tears but you didn't care. You can hear Jaehyun let out a sigh. He helped you to stand up and lead you to a nearby bench.
"Love, I can never tell you how sorry I am. How hard it was for me to come clean and tell you what I've been doing behind your back. But, I'm really really sorry." He said with the calmest voice you have ever heard from him.
"I don't know what to say... Did I make you wait too much? Was there something wrong with me? Was I too prude? Is my body too ugly for your liking? Did I do something wrong for me to experience this?" You said almost inaudible due to the sobs you can't help but to let out.
"Love please... please don't say that, it's on me—" You stood up and wiped every tear that left your eyes. You told him to stop. You took a step and you almost fell but you got back right into your feet. You felt so ugly. You felt like you will never be good enough. Flashbacks from senior high school came into your mind. You remembered how every girl told you that you don't deserve someone like Jaehyun because he is literally perfect which made you cry even harder.
Maybe it wasn't meant to be. Maybe I wasn't meant for you.
It had been two years since that night. But the pain that you feel up until today is still there. It felt like it just happened yesterday. You didn't get the chance to heal on your own when everything reminded you of that particular scene. Like a broken record, it kept on playing inside your mind, in your dreams and even if you are wide awake.
You wanted to forget him. Even if it seems impossible because you are now in the same friend group, in the same university. His friends contacted him after that but you never asked them what his response was.
You envied him. You envied him for moving on so fast. You envied him because he seemed so happy right now while you're still broken and asking why you had to be the only one who carried the burden and the hurt of what he did.
You only wished to love, but no one told you about getting hurt.
It was rare. I was there, I remember it all too well.
You were not a night owl, but for some reason, it's 2:00 AM and you are still awake. It was hard to breathe. The once comfortable bedroom became stuffy and you are left wondering. Walking in the middle of the night was not a good idea but you still went out and walked around the apartment complex. It was cold but not to the point where you get chills. You should've brought another coat but you enjoyed the cold air, indeed it helped you breathe better. As you reached the gazebo in the complex, you saw a man sitting on one of the benches with his head hung low, hands inside the pocket of his hoodie.
"Jaehyun? Is that... you?" You voiced out and you hated that you were right. He looked up and you were surprised with how he looked. His once bright and jolly eyes became dull, tired, and... sad? So many questions flooded your mind.
"I missed you. It sounds so freaking bad because who am I to say that? I don't even deserve to be here." He slurred out and you confirmed, he was drunk. You sat on the seat in front of him and sighed.
"Why are you here? It's 2:14 AM, you should go home, you're drunk." You said as you fiddled with your fingers. Your hands are cold, but your body felt hot. Meeting him after 2 years of avoiding each other made you want to walk away. You wanted to, but there's something that stopped you. Jaehyun sighed and covered his face with his hands. As the wind blew, the faint smell of alcohol and cigar reached you. You held the tears that was starting to form around your eyes.
"I came here to see you. I was hoping to see you." He said as he removed his hands from his face and looked at you with his dull eyes. It was dark, but you still can see his swollen eyes, his slender face and the darkness under his eyes. He looked unwell. It made you worry. It shouldn't bother you but it did.
"You're drunk, Jaehyun. You should go home. You shouldn't even be here. You have no reason to be." You quietly said as you stood up, finally gathering the courage to walk away and never look back. He held your wrist, stopping you from walking away. Jaehyun stood up and hugged you from the back.
"I'm sorry." That was the last straw. Tears streamed down your face and you let out the most heart-wrenching sob you have been holding back. Jaehyun hugged you tighter as he felt you shake in his arms. You can't stop crying. You don't even know why. Maybe you do, but you just can't put into words the pain that you are feeling right now. You covered your mouth to stop yourself from sobbing but it didn't do anything. He grabbed you tighter as you felt a wetness on your shoulder.
"You shouldn't be crying. Y-You don't know how hurt I was when I saw you that night. I... I was so excited to see you because it was your birthday and I prepared so much to see you after a long time. I-I wanted to fight for our relationship so bad, Jae." You whispered as tears kept on falling from your eyes. You heard him sob on your shoulders. It was unfair. It was unfair that he gets to cry after all that he did but you can't bring yourself to shout at him. You slowly removed his arms that are caging you and you started to walk away. You can't stop crying and sobbing, your heart was so heavy and you can't control the thoughts that kept running through your mind. Jaehyun wanted to follow you. But, how dare he come back to you after all the pain that he has caused?
Is there an end to this agony?
No matter how long it takes, I'll find my way back home.
It was a day before your birthday. Luckily, it was also the start of your semester break. You decided to go back home for the break but you were too lazy to pack so you decided to stay in the dorms for a week. It has been almost a month since Jaehyun came to your dorms, drunk and apologizing to you. You tried so hard to forget that night, but the stinging pain in your chest makes you remember all the things that happened.
For some reason, even after 2 years you still can't bring yourself to face Jaehyun and get the closure that you need. After all, there was no formal break-up. You just decided to cut off communication and avoid seeing each other. As you lie on your bed, you wished for the pain and agony of your longing heart to go away.
Your thoughts slowly dissipate as your body slowly falls asleep then you were awaken by the ringing of your doorbell. Maybe it's the dorm auntie. I told her that I will stay for the week, ugh. You thought as you decided to not open the door but after a minute, the ringing was replaced by continuous knocking. You groaned and stood up, not minding what you are currently wearing and opened the door.
You looked up and saw Jaehyun at your doorstep. He looked at you with wide eyes and he suddenly looked away. You slammed the door almost too hard and remembered that you're only wearing your silk camisole and silk shorts (which was really short) to match it. You grunted and ran to your bedroom and put on a random sweater and sweatshorts. You ran back to your door and sighed. After a few seconds, you opened the door and Jaehyun was still there. He looked at you and smiled timidly.
"Why are you here? Do you need something?" You quietly asked and he just scratched his nape and sighed. After that incident, you still don't know where the two of you stand. Are you still lovers? Are you exes? Or are you just strangers with bad memories of each other?
"I... wanted to talk to you. Personally." He said as he fiddled with his fingers and tried his best to look into your eyes. You wanted to cuss him out. You wanted to be mad at him. But you chose not to. Maybe, this was the closure that the two of you needed. Maybe this will be the last line to your ending chapter. You looked at him and slowly opened the door and let him inside.
No one tried to speak. It was the most awkward 5 minutes in your life. You both sat at the dinner table. He was sitting in front of you and you can't figure out if he wants to talk or not.
"I really don't know how to say this but I just want to apologize to you. I know it sounds so repetitive but believe me when I say that I really am sorry." He said as he looked at you, eyes the sincerest they've ever been. You can feel the lump forming in your throat and the tears forming in the corner of your eyes.
"There's no excuse for what I did when we were still together and I shouldn't have come that night, drunk and high. I'm really sorry and I understand if you can't forgive me. I mean, after all, what I did was unforgiveable." He said as he looked at you with apologetic eyes. He looked the same as the night you last saw him. Swollen eyes, face a little bit smaller, he looks just as disoriented as before.
"I have so much to say to you, Jaehyun. I wanted to ask why did you do it? You could've just said to me that you don't feel the same anymore. You could've said, I was not giving you the attention you rightfully needed because I would understand so that I could make it up to you." You stopped mid-sentence as a you let out a sob. You looked up to prevent the tears from streaming down your face. You could hear Jaehyun sniff, a sign that he has been crying too.
"I loved you, Jaehyun. I still love you. I won't say that I forgive you because, it might take a long time for me to heal." You said as you wiped away the tears from your eyes. Jaehyun let out a sob as he reached for your hand and held it close to his face. You could feel the warm tears wetting your hand and the heart-wrenching sobs Jaehyun let out. You looked away as your own tears stream down your face.
Jaehyun continued to whisper I'm sorry and you can't stop crying. This was not the closure you expected but this was definitely something that you needed. You needed time to be away from each other. You needed it so that you won't hurt each other more with words you don't mean.
Maybe this was really the end for the both of you. Maybe this will be a start of something new, all you know now is that you can finally heal from the past and maybe. Just maybe, you can be with the only man you loved with all of your heart.
this was long overdue 😭 i ought to post this on jaehyun's birthday but it took me a lot of time to finish this. consider this a post-valentine gift? 😅 hope you liked this story! (this was my first time writing in tumblr btw)
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