outside the box, inside my head @markomausz-blog - Tumblr Blog

6 Years.

Came, and passed. For the first time in 6 years, I didn't think about this day, until 1 minute before midnight. This is all I have wanted for a very long time.

[TW] 5 Years Later

You’d think that this sort of thing gets easier. Easier to deal with, easier to handle, easier to forget. I will be the first to admit that there are parts that are definitely easier, there is a weight that has lessened in my chest. The past year I have experienced so much light, so much love, so many positive affirmations that I did well, I made it past the hard part. I succeeded.

I fell in love, got married, started trusting trust-worthy people, got an amazing job, moved to texas, moved back home, have a stronger relationship with my friends and my family. These are things that 5 years ago I would have swore would not happen for me. These are things that even 2 years ago I would have promised would not be my future. Yet I battled my demons, I conquered something that felt impossible. And, I wake up daily with a purpose. Every year of my life is better than the last...

So I couldn’t figure out why 5 years later my heart still feels heavy, my soul feels damaged, & my brain feels manipulated. And then I remembered everything I have been saying to myself for the past 5 years. Being raped is not easy, it causes trauma, and I am traumatized.

I felt brave a couple years ago sharing my story but what I left out was that I was raped again. What I left out was that I momentarily fell back in a hole, and had I not left California I might have still been in it. What I realized today was that, even though everything has been good, while I feel great, there is still a part of me that needs work. And the 28th has reminded me that no matter how great I feel that I am not done working on my mental health. This year I don’t have a huge speech about how I want to advocate for other survivors, I don’t want to purge my self awareness of being an assault victim, I don’t need a cause to write about how I feel... But I want to make a goal for myself that by next year, these post traumatic feelings that overwhelm my brain, hurt my heart and keep me up in the middle of the night grasping for air and sobbing into a pillow, these will be the things I FIGHT off... the same way I fought for this life. And to not stop fighting, and not be scared of my voice or embarrassed by what happened.

I won’t stop fighting for my wellness. Because for the first time I can honestly say I deserve it, and it is only up to me to make sure that I get that. I can’t say that I will ever be 100% with the heaviness of my past. I can’t say that I will ever get over being raped, but I can say that I will promise to do the best I can to be mentally healthy, to deal with my emotions and PTSD with positive coping mechanisms, and to never stop fighting for my well being.

This feels good. Even though I feel really bad right now.

Absent from tumblr

but present in life.

every time i hear of a homicide in the bay, i check obituaries, hoping i'll see one or two names... so i can safely return home.

FOR THE RECORD

off the record

Living outside of The Bay

I don't Feel; Exactly Like Myself.

#Texas

9/23/14 335AM

I talk about the inside on paper so fluently, Whatever chaotic monologue is going on chattering Around my brain...

Indecision, hesitation I keep questioning myself.

Post- traumatic stressed out-- I think too much Little flashes of my past Touching my thighs, Violating my throat (I wanna scream) The bugs under my skin are running a marathon But; it's hard to talk about

Am I moving forward or running away? I'm happy, but I wanna commit suicide

I'm tired

I've been very fortunate my entire life to always love what i do; i always declined opportunities where i knew i would be unhappy, i always pursued things that i was passionate about, i'm finding this fortune i've created for myself is also a curse.

Yung Mima, Berkeley CA

#yung #babe #bay area #photography #smoked too early but was fine 5 hours later #we out here #2014 #photosbymarko

mastervvv

"Columbia Univeristy senior Emma Sulkowicz plans on carrying an extra-long, twin-size to every class, every day until the man she says raped her moves off campus. Sulkowicz is one of three women who made complaints to Columbia against the same fellow senior, who was found "not responsible" in all three cases."

Beyond ‘No Means No’ by Jessica Valenti for The Guardian

R.I.P Old Friend

There are certain people I've shared intimate moments with in my past, I follow you on the internet, occasionally run into you on the street, bump into you at a music thing and say "hi" --- like whatever moments we had in the past are just there. Well they are. I hear about people I used to know getting caught up trouble, getting caught in addiction, getting caught in achievements, marriages etc.

And more often than not I hear about their deaths. These are the moments where I sit back and try to self reflect on my life, and the privilege I have to still be alive. My heart hurts every time I hear of someone I knew committing suicide. The only thing I have left is my words, even if we've lost touch over the years, if something is haunting you so deeply, please just talk to someone. You will never realize the flood of emotion and immense sadness amongst your peers & family who would have lent their hand out for you. & It's easier said than done, I realize so many people are struggling, and so many people are caught up in their egotistical/self motivated agendas. BUT I PROMISE YOU, if you seek any resource-your friend-the internet-a professional and confess "I want to end my life..." someone will listen, and it might save your life.

I tried to kill myself, I survived. And every day I wake up grateful to be here. I'm not saying this will be everyone's case, but I just wanna say I am always here, literally for any one of you, even if I don't know you.

I'm sad to hear again someone I used to know has taken their life, and I'm sorry to all of her friends that are hurt and confused right now.

I guess I will continue (potential trigger warning)

Every year I write a post on the 28th of August talking about being sexually assaulted at 19, it wasn't the first time and it wasn't the last time, but it was the mark of a depression I almost didn't make it out of. This year instead of talking, I just shared all the posts I've written over the last four years. This year, I don't have anything profound to say, not because I am over it, not because it still doesn't hurt the core of my soul, not because I'm not still mourning 19 year old me but because it's not about me anymore. I've been scared of sharing my experiences with people who know me for as long as I can remember, and today I did that with the support from my friends and guess what... nothing happened. No one victim blamed me, no one told me to shuttup and stop talking about it, people thanked me for sharing my story, reluctant to talk about how they wish they could talk about their experiences in an open manner. So instead of reflecting this year, I'm just gonna make a goal: I'm not gonna stop talking about it. Not just for me, but because someone somewhere needs to hear they aren't alone. Because without words from the survivors the rapists win; I'm gonna stop letting them.

#trigger warning #rape

Guess there's gonna be a part 2

It must be the humidity, I thought as I stumbled across a street onto a pathway while clouds tumbled over my head. The rumbling started as I wandered down by the Colorado river and found myself stuck under a bridge in a micro storm. I was sitting on this rock watching the water shake when I hysterically started laughing, I'm from San Francisco and I know what this looks like from the other side, I must’ve looked insane. The growing nature of the thought had me in tears, when I realized my tears of laughter were no longer comical.

Putting my cellphone securely in the pocket of my purse I walked into the rain... At first I just sort of stood there feeling the water cool my body and drench my hair before I looked up at the dark sky and started cracking up again, if this wasn't a metaphor for my life I don't know what was.

The departure of the clouds happened suddenly, they broke quickly and took the rain hostage. The amethyst sky was dimming to black, and despite my natural desire to rebel, I was alone in an unfamiliar city and I’ve never had the best of luck in those types of situations. I walked into an empty bar somewhere downtown and struck a conversation with a bitter bartender. I had grown quite fond of Austin, but like an animal in captivity kept somewhere for too long we grow tired and restless, and he had grown both. And there I was, in Austin, alone, drunk & winging it......... (so i think i started writing my second book a couple months ago, this is the first page; and i'll probably not post anymore until im done, but just wanted to let y'all know i'm alive.)

#outsidetheboxinsidemyhead

Like everything in captivity, we grow tired of being watched, and go crazy from being confined...

Allyson, Rooftop San Francisco Pride Weekend, 2014

#San Francisco #pretty girl #rooftop #san francisco #pride #2014

Daniella, Rooftop San Francisco, CA 2014

#pride #rooftop #weed #joiunt #san francisco #pretty girl

Strip & Go Bare Product Launch San Francisco, CA 2014

#burlesque #san francisco #stripandgobare

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