Feral Recklessness

MARY MACDONALD gryffindor. hit witch. i am not your sweetheart, your darling, your garden flower, your baby girl. My petals may be soft, but there are thorns on my stem, wet with the blood of braver men than you.

[mary-macdcnald]

lovestrucktheo:

There was nothing else Theo could think to say other than I’m sorry. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry - Mary, I - I am so sorry, Mar, I’m a bloody idiot who was overthinking things without asking how you felt and I’m sorry this is all my fault. It’s all my fault, for trying to be noble and selfless when really I’m just - fuck - I’m just a selfish git, Mary, and I can’t go back and change that I can just sit here and say I am so, so sorry -” He rambled, backing further away from her and pacing about the room. He began counting his footsteps as he walked, not daring to look her in the eyes. He didn’t deserve her - she was more than out of his league, especially after this whole incident.

He only stopped his pacing when he heard Mary begin to cough. Panic surged through his veins, and he immediately ran out of the room with a quick nod when she asked him to. “Healer! Healer, please! Something’s wrong!” He shouted, trying to get the attention of any Healer he could. One heard him, and she led the way back to the room. Theo followed her back into the room, his eyes darting to where Mary was sitting on her bed. If anything happens to her now, Nott, you’ll simply have to torture yourself for the rest of your life. She wasn’t supposed to get hurt. This is entirely your fault. “Is there anything I can help with, please ma’am?” He asked the Healer, much calmer now. He wanted to help. He wanted to prove that he wasn’t a horrible person, although deep inside he knew that wasn’t the truth.

I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. The apologies ran through her head a million times over. Usually, it was enough to calm the storm in her head, to quell the fire burning in her heart. But this time, it had no effect on her at all. She didn’t feel sorry for Theodore Nott. She didn’t feel any guilt. She didn’t feel calmed. She only felt numb. Once upon a time, Mary Macdonald was head over heels in love for the perfect Theodore Nott. Maybe she still was. But right now, Theo’s flaws were magnified by a thousand times, and Mary couldn’t help but only see that. She saw how he was a violent storm of his own. She saw his weakness, his indecision, his insensitivity, his selfishness. She saw it even from the beginning, and loved him through all of it. Why was she feeling uncertain this time? Did her love for him dull over time?  Mary silently thanked the coughing fit that ensued. It saved her from giving her answer for now. 

Mary’s injuries were mostly internal -- a result of a long exposure to the torture curse. Feeling weak, coughing up blood, and even frequent nosebleeds were only few of what she’ll be experiencing for the next few days, as she recovered. But the Healer reassured her she was alright. She only had to make sure she didn’t stress herself out too much. Dread settled in her gut as the Healer left, and it was only her and Theo left in the room. She wasted no second making sure no silence fell upon them. Mary simply hated awkward silences. “You’re odd, you know that? When a decision should involve someone else’s opinion, you decide on your own. When it should involve only you, you ask someone else to make the decision.” Her throat was hurting again, and her mouth tasted of blood. “Technically, we aren’t together anymore. So your decision is yours. Stay, leave, do whatever the fuck you want. I don’t- I don’t care.”

[mary-macdcnald]

lovestrucktheo:

Mary remembered. Mary remembered, and Theo wanted to smile, to laugh, to spin her around and sweep her off her feet as he had grown accustomed to so long ago. He wanted to celebrate, he wanted to cry, he wanted to hold her in his arms because all was not lost - she had her memory back, and that was a miracle itself. When Theo imagined the day that Mary would get her memory back, he always envisioned kissing and hugging and crying and smiling and this overall sense of becoming whole once again. He’d lost part of himself with her memory - now he had it back.

This? This was not what he’d planned for.

He didn’t expect Mary to attack him with a venomous glare. He didn’t expect her to blame him for leaving ( although he fully blamed himself, but not for the same reasons as she did ). He didn’t expect to reunite with a Mary that hated him, and Theo was thoroughly unprepared for that. “None of that was for fun, and you know it.” He retorted, his tongue becoming equally as sharp as her own. His stance grew more defensive - his arms crossed, his jaw locked. He’d taken a step back from her, the contact between them ceasing. In some ways, this was more painful than when Mary had lost her memory entirely - at least that Mary didn’t hate him. “I left you because I thought it would help you, Mary. I thought it’d protect you.” And that much was true - he couldn’t have foreseen the attack that caused her to forget her past. There was no way of predicting that.

Tears fell from her eyes and they began to fall from his as well. “Do you want me to stay?” He asked, using the shortest sentence possible to avoid complicating things with his feelings. If she wanted him to leave - he’d leave. If she wanted him to keep his distance - he would. If she wanted him to throw himself off a cliff, hell, he’d consider it. This is my fault. This is all my fault.

Mary saw how the warmth and hope in Theo’s face vanished as his cold and distant demeanor was put up yet again. She hated how much hatred there was in his voice that matched hers. In her anger, Mary was selfish, seeing no reason in other people’s feelings. She thought Theo didn’t have the right to feel sad nor angry or anything really, since he was the one who left. “You thought it would protect me. See? That’s what’s wrong with you! You take matters into your own hands and decide without even considering for one second what the other person in a situation would think or feel. You never think about what repercussions your actions would create. You just do!”

There was simply no stopping Mary Macdonald when she begins her rampage of attacks. “And you think they stopped hurting me after you left? Did you think even for one second that your parents wouldn’t consider taking the extra measure too make sure I never come back in your life? You think that damn memory charm wasn’t their doing?" Her chest was rising and falling as she heaved out breaths, steadying herself and miserably failing at repressing the tears that fell from her eyes. “You’re stupid, and you’re selfish, and you have the audacity to think that what you’re doing is selfless? That what you’re doing is noble? You’re just as bad as the rest of them.” But I love you nonetheless. I’ll always love you. 

Do you want me to stay? Mary, a few years back, would be certain that she wanted him to stay. But she was far too hurt to even think about opening her doors to the one who hurt her. “I- I d-” There was a sudden itch in her throat, and Mary couldn’t choke down the coughing fit that ensued, her lips brimming with blood. A frown appeared on her face that was hinted with more disappointment than fear when she wiped the blood. “Can you please get the healer?” 

[mary-macdcnald]

lovestrucktheo:

Her hand recoiled from his grip and Theo took a step back from the bed, shocked. For some reason, he believed that she’d want to have him close when she woke up. What if she lost her memory again? The thought shook Theo to his core, and he wasn’t entirely sure if he could handle that. Losing Mary to her memory once was difficult and painful - twice? Theo would likely fall apart. He took a step back, his eyes trained on her as she began to wake up and take in her surroundings. Godric, please be okay. Please be okay.

She began to speak, and Theo almost moved to take her hand. Almost. Her voice was so hoarse and scratchy, but that wasn’t the hardest part for him to handle: her voice had a new venom to it, and it was directed at him. Theo looked at her with the same expression as a toddler who’d just been told to go away. “What?” he managed to get out, his voice cracking as if he’d gone through puberty all over again. “I’m here for you.” He said, confusion and fear lining his eyes. Godric, she doesn’t remember, she doesn’t remember, fucking hell, Nott - you’re going to have to go through this all over again.

Theo moved forward, finally feeling brave enough to reach out to her again. He gently placed his hand on her, fully expecting her to swat it away. If she didn’t remember him, at least he’d have this one last time. At least he’d be there for her one last time. At least - he looked her in the eyes, something different in them. Theo’s stomach flipped. What if she remembers everything?

Mary’s heart was breaking all over again, just seeing his face. She could very well remember the past months her memory-deprived self had spent with him, and it made the rage in her chest burn brighter. She loved Theo. It was the kind of love that was ingrained in her very soul that not even the most powerful memory charm could erase. And Mary hated it. She hated how much she still loved him, despite the heartache, despite the anger, and despite every other bad thing she felt and went through because of him. Mary loved Theo so much that it hurt. Having him right there beside her hurt even more than the cruciatus she just suffered. 

“You’re not here for me.” She in a very quiet voice, and yet the anguish and anger were very much evident in her tone. “Y-You’ve lost the privilege of being there for me the very day you left.” His touch was warm against her bruised, pale skin. It felt so familiar. Mary has longed for him ever since the day he left that his touch now sent a tear running down her cheek. “D- Don’t- Don’t touch me.” She couldn’t so much as lift her arm to swipe the tear away, nor take her hand away from Theo’s grip. “Haven’t you had enough fun, Nott? Taking advantage of a girl who lost her memory, and not even having the balls to tell her how you abandoned her and left her to fend for herself when she needed you the most?”

The cold hatred in her eyes as she looked at him never faltered. The only give away that she was hurting were the tears that came streaming from her eyes through her hard expression. Mary despised herself that very moment. She hated the fact that she was still so damn affected by Theodore Nott. She hated how much she loved him. She hated how much she couldn’t hate him not even for a single second. “What do you want from me, really?” 

[mary-macdcnald]

lovestrucktheo:

Theo had lost track of how long he’d been here. Minutes? Hours? Days? Weeks? He wasn’t sure. All he knew was that time was a foreign concept here in St. Mungo’s, much to his displeasure. He sat at Mary’s side, his knee bouncing in time with the clock on the wall. He knew he shouldn’t be here. He knew he should be as far from her as possible - but Mary’s family had invited him to be here once they heard the news. So he went. He’d go to the ends of the earth for this beautiful woman, he had no doubt - even if being here got him cursed until the day was done. He’d risk it for her. He had to know that she was okay.

He sat beside her bed, his knee tired from bouncing. His fingers tapped his knuckles instead to pass the time. He glanced at the clock. 3:42 AM. The nurses had tried to get him to leave, but he refused to budge, and they didn’t fight him on it. Mary needed someone to be here when she woke up, and he wanted to be that person. Memory or not, he’d be there for her as long as she wanted him to be there.

Her hand twitched, and suddenly it was like a lightning bolt had struck Theo. He was on his feet immediately, his hand gently holding hers as he stood beside her. “Mar? Is that you?” He whispered, not wanting to shock her with any loud booming sounds. Dear God, let her be okay.

@mary-macdcnald

Mary remembered the fear that set in her heart even before the red flash of light hit her in the chest. It began with fear. Was she ever getting out of here alive? Was she ever going to see her family? Was she ever going to see Theo? And then it was pain. It spread like wildfire from her chest to the very tips of her fingers and toes. It was a burning, excruciating pain that grew even more painful by the second. She couldn’t breathe. She couldn’t think. She could only scream until there was no power left in her to scream. She saw her life flash before her eyes. She saw her family, her earliest memories; all of her birthdays and all of the Christmases they spent together; the warmth of their home, the way the sun shone through the living room window. She saw Lily and Marlene, James, Sirius, Remus, and Peter; the train rides and the late night sneaking outs; all the crazy adventures and near-death experiences; the lazy nothings in the common room and the sound of the wood cracking in the fireplace. Mary thought she was dying. The pain was unimaginable.

Then suddenly, like a burst of white light, she saw it. She saw Mulciber’s wand pointed at her. She saw how her stubbornness refused to let her back down. She saw how Theo saved her life, and there began an endless stream of memories of him; all the shouting and fighting; walking in the rain and swimming in the lake; kisses in the shadows and hands held in the dark; broom cupboards and empty classrooms; broken furniture and naked bodies huddled close. She saw her life with Theo. She saw how madly in love they were. She remembered how much she loved him. And saw how it all ended with the scars on her arms. She saw how she begged for him to stay, and saw how he just left. And suddenly there was nothing. The darkness has reclaimed her.

Mary didn’t know how long it was before she was conscious, before everything began hurting again. When her eyes opened, there were hands holding hers and a voice calling her name. Her heart began hammering immediately. Warmth and love and longing filled her eyes, before the memories came rushing in and anger replaced whatever love was there before. Everything hurt. She could barely even move, but however painful it was, she retracted her hand from Theo’s grip, her gaze on him viciously cold as a snowstorm. She didn’t want him holding her. She didn’t want to have to do anything with him. “Wh-” She couldn’t speak. Her throat hurt and she could taste blood in her mouth. “What are you doing here?” She managed to croak out, her voice slathered in venomous hatred. The hammering of heart felt painful this time and Mary had to turn away before Theo could even see the pain that started to pool in her eyes.

[mary-macdcnald]

lovestrucktheo:

Mary was suddenly crying against his chest and he was strong, but not strong enough to keep his arms from circling around her small frame. “Mar, it’s not safe.” He emphasized, placing a small kiss on the top of her head. God, he couldn’t imagine living his life without her either - but a life with her alive was more important to him than a life without her in his. “Mary - Mary, are there any other injuries? Let me - let me at least do this, okay? You and I both know that this - it has to happen like this, alright? You may be okay with taking a beating, but Godric, Mary - do you have any idea what seeing you like this does to me?”

Theo wasn’t typically one to spill his feelings. It went against his family’s beliefs, it went against his upbringing, and it went against the type of person life had shaped him to be. But right then and there, with Mary begging and crying, how could he keep his feelings to himself? “You’ll forget about me soon enough, okay? You’ll move on just fine, and you’ll find some other charming and handsome lad out there who has parents who don’t want your head on a spike. This will all just be a memory, okay? So just - just close your eyes and forget about this. All of it. It’ll be easier that way.”

Theo kissed her forehead before turning to head towards the door. If he’d really wanted to leave, he could’ve just apparated, but his heart wasn’t ready for that just yet. “This may hurt you, but I’d rather see you alive than dead, Mary. Simple as that. Once this war is over - once you’re out of harm’s way - we’ll make it work. I promise.” And Theo meant it. The second any and all threats were gone, he’d sweep her back off her feet if she let him. And if she didn’t? Well, he’d have kept her alive long enough for some other lucky man to fall in love with her. He smiled at the thought. “I want you to live a long and happy life, Mary. I’m standing in the way of that.”

Mary was a mess. Her cheeks were wet with tears, and her shaking has grown by a mil. She was about to lose the love of her life. She felt like she would much rather die than experience the kind of pain that life would bring. Losing Theo was once an unimaginable thought to Mary. And now that it was becoming a reality, she felt as though she was going insane. “No.” She was against all of it, against everything he was saying. She was selfish for not thinking about what Theo felt. But she didn’t care. She wasn’t about to pretend that she was fine with all of this happening. “No, no, no, no.” 

Before Theo could walk out of the door, Mary ran after him and clung to him tight. “Theo, Theo, I can’t. Please.”  She was sobbing and she was wailing. She felt like a weak and helpless child being abandoned. “I-I don’t- I don’t want this. Please. Please- I-I’ll do anything. Please, Theo-” Mary was practically the queen of her household. As the youngest and only daughter, she had everyone wrapped around her finger. What she wants she gets, and when people couldn’t grant her wishes, she stood up and did whatever it took to get exactly what she wanted. She was taught never to beg. But Theo was the exception. Theo was always the exception. And though she never thought she would ever have to beg him for anything, Mary stood there, clinging to him and begging for him to stay.

There was nothing else Mary could say but no, please, and I can’t do this. She knew Theo had made up his mind, yet she was clinging onto the tiny sliver of hope that Theo would stay. “Theo, I love you. I love you so much. Please, please don’t do this to me. You- You’re my life. Not even a memory charm could erase you from my mind. Please. I don’t want someone else. I want you.  I need you.  Please, stay. Theo, baby, please.” How would she live without his warmth? How would she live without the calm Theo brought? How would she live without her own heart? 

[mary-macdcnald]

lovestrucktheo:

Theo tried his best to shut all of her begging and pleading out. Heal her wounds, then get the worst part over with. His eyes focused in on each cut, his heart clenching every time he turned a cut into a scar. These are all my fault. He loved Mary with his whole heart, he definitely did - but to keep her safe, it was best he kept his distance. Theo refused to look Mary in the eye as he replied to her. “Are there any on other parts of your body?” Keep it simple. Factual. Clinical. The less emotion, the less it will hurt. He gently took her hand off of his cheek, giving it a small squeeze. “I need to know, Mary. I can’t heal these if you don’t tell me.” This is good, avoid her questions, avoid her begging, tune out the way that her voice is cracking and how the Great Mary MacDonald who Never Begs is Begging Here Now.

Theo moved to grab some more medical supplies, his gaze continuing to remain on the floor. I don’t care how much they hurt me. I would take a thousand more, or - or things far worse if it meant I’d get to keep you. “I’m not going to let that happen. Period, end of story.” He returned to his seat, healing the remaining wounds and then using a washcloth to gently dab at the healed wounds. “You’re going to stay safe, that’s the deal, Mar.” Oh, how I wish I could stay and keep you safe. But clearly that plan wasn’t working - it was his fault she was here, bruised and bloody. If it weren’t for him, she’d probably be happy as a clam and with several less scars on her arms.

There was terror and anguish in her heart that not even the best healing spells could quite quell. She knew what was coming. Theo was shutting her out already, and very well knew he was going to end it after he’s healed her wounds. The tears wouldn’t stop falling, and Mary couldn’t quite breathe. Her worst nightmare was coming true. “Theo, please!” She practically yelled through the tears. “You’re hurting me. Please- Please don’t- Don’t do this. I-I-” She choked on her own words. This was the most helpless and powerless she has ever felt. And she hated the weight of it on her chest. “Theo, I can’t live without you. Please. Please don’t do this.” 

A trembling mess of scars and never ending stream of tears, Mary threw herself around Theo, wrapping her arms tightly around his waist and crying against his chest. “I’ve taken on dark wizards and death eaters alike, and you think I can’t handle your parents?” She lifted her head and looked at Theo; looked at the hard expression he so desperately put up. “I can take a beating. I can take scars on my body. But I can’t take a life without you. Don’t you understand that? The worst kind of pain is still from you leaving me. I might as well just die. ” She took his face in her hands. “Please. Please don’t leave. I’m begging you, Theo.”

[mary-macdcnald]

lovestrucktheo:

Theo’s blood was boiling. He’d arrived at his family home only to find that his parents had discovered his secret relationship with Mary. When he’d asked them what they’d done to her, they changed the subject, choosing to ignore the fact that they’d brutally harmed a complete stranger. It was the next thing they said that made his blood boil. If you don’t stop seeing her, she won’t live for much longer. We do have connections, you know. Would you pass the peas, darling? Theo had packed all of his remaining things and apparated directly to his apartment, dropping them off ( and breaking several plates out of frustration in the process ). Mary. He panicked, immediately apparating again to her place, arriving just outside her door. It was locked, but luckily he had a spare key. 

The sight before him made his jaw clench. Mary was trying to heal the numerous cuts that lined her arms by using bandaids. He knew the pattern of the cuts too well - they lined his back just as they lined her arms. His parents had done this, and for that, Theo knew that this thing he had with Mary had to come to an end. For her safety. Theo approached Mary, gently placing his hands over her own shaking ones. “You’re not fine.” He took out his wand and began applying the basic healing spells he knew. “They’re my parents; them hurting me would at least make some semblance of sense.” Theo focused on her injuries and tried to ignore the tears that streamed from her eyes. Stay focused, Nott. 

She didn’t know exactly how it happened. But Mary was walking down Diagon Alley one second, and the next, she was being apprehended by strong pairs of arms. Despite having extensive training as a Hit Witch, she could do nothing to save herself. She feared for the worst. She thought it was one of Voldemort’s goons, another set of Blood Supremacists, ready to murder just another muggleborn. (Although Theodore’s  parents might as well be.)  She was scared to death, until she recognized the very features she so loved on the pair before her. By then she was merely afraid for what is bound to happen to her relationship with Theo. She wasn’t terrified of what they could do to her. Very few things could scare Mary. And right now, the sight of Theo was one that scared her the most.

Mary didn’t know what hurt more -- the stinging of her wounds or the look on Theo’s face. His jaw was set and his expression was hard, unreadable to an outsider. But Mary knew exactly what that face meant. It only brought more tears to her eyes which she so desperately tried to choke down. But they kept coming anyway. “I know what’s on your mind, Theo,” she swiped a tear that welled up in her eyes. “And it’s not happening. Ever. Theo-” she reached a trembling hand to cup his face. The look on his face only intensified the shaking. Fuck. “Theo, please look at me.” There was a hint of fear and begging in her voice that sounded quite odd. Mary Macdonald was barely ever afraid. Mary Macdonald barely ever begged. That wasn’t her. “I don’t care how much they hurt me. I would take a thousand more, or- or things far worse if it meant I’d get to keep you. We- We’re not breaking up.”

[mary-macdcnald]

Locking the door behind her, Mary dragged herself towards the couch and collapsed onto it. After about the fifth time she went home covered in wounds from hit witch duties, she lost the ability to care about getting blood on the couch. She felt too weak to even get to the kitchen to clean her wounds. She settled on the couch, heaving out breaths as her eyes traced over the bleeding slashes that ravaged her arms. For being a mudblood. For corrupting our son. For having the audacity to date him. For all of the years you have so selfishly chained him to yourself. The words rang in her head, over and over and over, like a chant that never ended.  They were all the reasons she had gotten the marks on her arms.

Mary did not anchor her emotions on what other people said, especially when it was people as despicable as Theo’s parents. She would have taken more slashes, willingly jumped on a torture much worse if it meant she could keep Theo in her life. But Mary knew Theo well enough to know he would want to end their relationship. Now that his parents knew, her life was in constant danger. But to Mary, there was no greater pain than one losing Theo would bring. She took out her wand that was tucked snugly against her leg only to notice that she was trembling. And when she tried to heal herself, she could not so much as conjure a simple healing spell because of how much her hands shook. Her mind was conjuring images of situations wherein Theo wasn’t in her life, and it made her anxious. In frustration, she threw her wand and stormed towards the kitchen, resolving to patch herself up the way Muggles would. Fuck magic. Fuck blood purity. Fuck the stupid Nott family. 

It wasn’t until she felt someone else’s presence in her apartment that she realized tears had formed in her eyes. She was hurt, angry, frustrated, and afraid. “I’m fine. Don’t worry about it.” With her shaking hands, she brought out a first aid kit, and moved towards the dining table, quickly swiping a hand over her eyes to wipe her tears away. She hoped he didn’t notice. “You shouldn’t have gone here. What if they hurt you too?” 

@lovestrucktheo

[mary-macdcnald]

lovestrucktheo:

“Well we’ve got that in common, then.” He returned with a smile, crossing his legs in front of him. This, this wasn’t so bad - reconnecting with Mary. Perhaps she was right, and starting over wasn’t as bad as he imagined it to be. “First thing in the morning, it’s a date.” He blushed. “Or not a date - I mean, not not a date? It’s - never mind.” The idea of going to a theme park actually gave Theo butterflies. Theo couldn’t remember the last time he had real butterflies. Maybe back at Hogwarts? Back when he broke his arm just to see her, he had butterflies then. Or when he saw her in that beautiful Yule Ball dress. He couldn’t stop smiling at the thought of riding the theme park rides with her - this is the closest he’d ever seen her come to her old self, and he wanted to spend all the time he had with her.

You’ll practically live here in a few years’ time. Theo wasn’t taken aback by the sentence, but it seemed to surprise Mary when it came out of her mouth. He shifted so he was lying down, just like she was. After a moment of hesitation, he wrapped his arms around her, pulling her body closer to his gently. “I don’t hate you, Mar.” Their bodies seemed to fit together just like before, bringing a nostalgic smile to his lips. “Get some sleep, we’ve got a big day tomorrow, like you said.” He kissed her forehead, giving her a nod before closing his eyes. “Night, Mickey.”

Mary didn’t hesitate to shift on her side and face Theo the second she felt his arms around her. At the feel of his lips against her skin, her stomach knotted, and she was in cloud nine. It was both odd and amazing how, despite her loss of memory, Mary still felt the same warmth and exhilaration that the previous Mary she guessed would have felt. There’s no previous Mary. Her mind argued. The Mary who remembered is no different from the Mary who doesn’t. She snuggled closer to Theo, fingers lightly brushing his chest. Maybe I don’t need to remember. I’m still me. And Theo’s still Theo. The idea felt relieving, and eased some of the pressure in her mind. “It’s a date.” 

But her ears pricked at the mention of Mickey, and on impulse, she drove a fist against his chest. “Shut up, fuckwad. Call me that again and I’ll skin you alive.” Her tone was both harsh and endearing, and she couldn’t help but giggle right after. A wave of nostalgic familiarity was stirring in her chest. It was as if she remembered, but not quite. Like everything about Theodore Nott was still ingrained in her very being, but her mind was only capable of seeing blurry patches. Closing her eyes, Mary was anticipating another sleepless night. She was thankful that she didn’t have to toss and turn alone tonight. At least Theo’s warmth would keep her company. But soon enough, Mary found herself drifting; the waves of drowsiness ebbing and flowing until she was completely swept away into a deep, dreamless sleep. 

[mary-macdcnald]

lovestrucktheo:

You have to live for yourself too. Those words stuck in his brain - she may have lost a decent amount of her memory, but that certainly didn’t stop Mary from being impeccably wise. He let his guard down little by little after that, his body becoming more relaxed and his expression more pleasant. You have to live for yourself too. Perhaps she’d unknowingly given him his new mantra. Theo let the words sink into his skin, flow through his veins. She was right, he had to live for himself, not just for the Mary that once was. He’d be going absolutely nowhere if his mind and heart were stuck in the past.

Theo leaned against the headboard, his hands moving from where they covertly covered the scars that wrapped around his sides. She spoke of keeping secrets and adoring the dark and Theo smiled yet again because that was the Mary he knew and loved. She was still, without a doubt, in there somewhere. That smile stopped short quickly, however, at the thought of starting anew. She wasn’t interested in bringing the old Mary back. She wanted a second chance. But how could Theo even comprehend starting over when he still had the memories from before? If he could lose his memory too - maybe, maybe they’d work. But his first kiss with her would always be in the rain, their first time would always be in a broom closet that was had a silencing charm on it, and that old Mary wouldn’t be erased from his memory like he had been from hers.

Although he didn’t much like the idea of starting over, it was better than nothing. “I’ve got two younger sisters - Delaney and Rhea. They’re twelve and seventeen, respectively. I’m from an uptight pureblood family. I like 80′s rock music. I don’t like jazz.” All facts that were simple. He didn’t know how to describe himself - he didn’t know himself the way he knew Mary. “I have two-hundred and eighty-seven scars on my back. I’ve never been on a rollercoaster. I had dated two girls before you - one as required by my parents, and one fling of my own accord that just ended really poorly.” 

“I can’t stand jazz,” Mary grimaced, shaking her head. But her playful expression turned into one of sadness and pity. She’s seen those scars in her mind, and placing that image with the beautiful boy in front of her was just heartbreaking. Someone as good and kind and loving as Theo did not deserve something so horrible. But it amazed Mary how someone of such cruel history turned out to be something amazing. There was nothing more that Mary wanted than to make him feel happy. “You and I, first thing tomorrow morning, are going to a theme park, and we’re riding a rollercoaster. We’ll clean out the whole goddamn park and ride everything a hundred times over. We’re going to eat a crapton of Muggle food, and spend the entire day out. Maybe we should get you a cellphone? Or-Or hey, you could learn how to drive! That’s probably going to come in handy since you’ll practically live here in a few years’ time. I mean-” Mary stopped abruptly, slapping her mouth shut with her hand. Her mouth got ahead of her again.

It took a moment of her just staring at Theo with a flustered look, before she found the right words to say. Mary mentally hit herself in the head for being such a blubbering mess. Was I just planning the next few years of his life for him?  Ridiculous! “I mean it- it would be nice to have you around.” She buried her face against the pillow in her arms. “I’m sorry. I have no idea what’s wrong with me today. I hope you don’t hate me.” She felt utterly embarrassed and resolved to hurriedly lying down and throwing the blanket over herself, back turned to Theo. “Let’s go to sleep, yeah? Big day tomorrow!” Mary wanted the mattress to swallow her whole and save herself from embarrassment. Just thinking about Theo’s probable reactions made Mary hate herself more. 

[mary-macdcnald]

lovestrucktheo:

Laughter filled the air and Theo couldn’t help but smile widely. This, this is what he’d been missing. A chuckle escaped his lips as well, his eyes trained on the beautiful girl laughing beside him. The moment ended as soon as it began, Mary whacking him on the arm. “Hey - you’re not so tall, it seemed fair!” He exclaimed, holding up his arms in defense. “You’re cute when you’re mad - and hey, I’m not short! Look at me, I barely fit on this bed!” He laughed, feeling like he was home again in this moment. But that moment too, as all moments do, ended abruptly. “Hey,” he gently placed a curl of her hair behind her ear. “It’s okay, I’m - I’ll be fine, don’t you worry about a thing.”

She began introducing herself to him and Theo had to admit he wasn’t fully listening. These were all facts he knew about her, right down to the M&Ms and the ice cream. He knew these things like the back of his hand, and her telling them to him was a good way to combine the old and new Marys but - he couldn’t help just watching her talk so animatedly. The way her sweater fell off one shoulder, the way she gestured wildly ( just like she used to, always getting close to whacking him in the face ), the way she hit every detail without missing a beat.

She talked of taking walks in the rain when the sky was dark, and Theo gave her a curt, small smile. She doesn’t remember. Theo wished he could show her his memory of their first kiss. He’d followed her out to the lake, just before curfew. The sky was dark, rain ready to pour. She had yelled at him, he had yelled at her, and the rain fell and she looked so beautiful he just couldn’t help it. They’d kissed in the rain, in their own little world where nobody could tell them it was wrong. “I like the rain too.”

Mary smiled at his words and the small gesture he made. If it wasn’t dark, she was sure Theo could see just how flustered she got over the small things he did. “No, it’s not okay. I don’t want you to be all sad. It’s really not that difficult to tell when you’re unhappy or uncomfortable about something.” Or maybe it was not, and Mary was still very proficient at reading him despite her loss of memory. “So quit setting yourself aside and lying. You can’t always be living for Mary. You have to live for yourself too.” She smiled and tapped his cheek twice. At the small introduction of herself, Theo looked as if he was remembering something else, seeing something of his own. And though Mary was itching to ask what memories they had of the rain, she knew it was already far too painful for Theo to recall it, much more speak of it to her. So she just pushed her curiosities aside, and continued to tell him about herself. 

“I used to love the sunlight and the great outdoors as a kid. But lately, I’ve been finding the dark very comforting. Like I’m safe in the warm embrace of the shadows, and the night holds my hand and tell me it’s all going to be alright. And there’s that giant weight on my chest, and I can’t breathe right. It feels like I’m keeping a secret and I can’t wait to tell the whole world about it.” She laughed a little, hands running across her face in embarrassment. “Ridiculous, right? I don’t get it either. But I resolved everything I didn’t know, everything I didn’t understand would all lead back to you.” She leaned back against the headboard of her bed, and hugged her legs against her chest. “But I’m not going to ask you to tell me about the old Mary and the memories you shared even if I’m dying to know. Because honestly, what’s the point of going back to all of them, when we can make new memories together? We can start anew. I mean-” 

Mary stopped abruptly, feeling self-conscious about her words again. Was she being selfish? “I mean if that’s- that’s what you want. If it’s not too painful for you- I mean- I just-” She let out a sigh and grabbed her pillow to bury her face in. It was difficult for her to dive into something so new to her with someone she barely knew, but also knew very well, apparently. Her head was starting to hurt again. “I want to get to know you. Being your friend is inevitable since you know everything about me and I’m oddly very comfortable around you.” Being more than friends was an idea Mary was not entirely against. But she wouldn’t tell Theo that. She didn’t want to give him false hopes. “If we’re going to do this whole thing, we might as well do it the old-fashioned way. So tell me about you.” 

[mary-macdcnald]

lovestrucktheo:

Theo knew he couldn’t exactly get out of this now, and he didn’t necessarily want to, but this combination of old and new Mary scared him half to death. He took a deep breath, then took off his shirt and his socks. The scars on his back felt heavy now that they were exposed - Mary had seen them before, but not this Mary. The way she spoke so shortly with him - it was the real her again, and Theo’s breath hitched when he could hear the humor back in her tone just like it used to be. “Coming, coming.” He said, folding his shirt and placing it near the door. Theo made his way over to the bed, hopping in beside her, and doing his best not to let his scars show. It’s too familiar.

A smile found its way across his face at her questions. “Yes, all of the above. Dickweasel was definitely your favorite, though. My personal favorite, however, was douchecanoe.” Memories of her splashing him as they swam in a lake together, calling him all sorts of names and laughing - Godric, he missed laughing. He missed her, more than words could explain. “Did I call you anything other than Mary, hm…Mar, MacDonald, Mickey, asshole, dumbass, little one - “ My love. Darling. Babe. “There were others, too many others to name.” He shifted in the bed, uncomfortable. He was staring up at the ceiling, but normally he turned to face her. Things were different now, and he didn’t want to even start the conversation about his back with her. Her scars were his fault, and they should’ve been lining his back instead. Guilt pooled in his stomach as he shifted yet again. “We met when Mulciber attacked you at school. You - he nearly killed you, you know. And I - if it had been anyone else, I would’ve done some healing spells and just left, but I couldn’t - my heart just screamed at me to make him stop so -” Theo stopped himself, shrugging it off. “Nevermind. Next question.”

At Theo’s answer, the silence was broken by Mary’s outburst into a fit of laughter. Douchecanoe was something she definitely would call someone. But her laughter was rather short-lived when his next words left her open-mouthed in incredulity. “You did not!” She exclaimed with a whack to his arm. “Mickey is a terrible name, but I can excuse that. But little one?” She struck him again. “That’s a discrimination to height deprived people such as myself! And you’re clearly not that tall. I mean, I’m pretty sure more than half the population of first year boys are way, way taller than you are. I cannot believe this.” The words streamed out of her mouth relentlessly, just as Mary did when she was being defensive. Noticing his relentless shifting, Mary assumed he was uncomfortable. The smile on her face faded almost immediately. “I’m sorry.” She shook her head and let out a deep sigh. “I’m selfish. I didn’t even think that this conversation is torture for you. That this whole thing is. I’m- I’m sorry.” 

She sat up and turned to him, the ends of her oversized sweater falling all around her. “Alright, alright. How about this-” She took a deep breath, eyes closed, as if preparing herself, before looking at the boy in front of her once more. “Hi. My name is Mary Adelaine Macdonald. I like reading books only halfway, leaving sketches unfinished, and obviously I’m a sucker for anything that’s pale blue. Wizard sweets are real good and all, but nothing gets me like a giant bag of M&M’s and a tub of ice cream.” With how Theo looked just a minute ago, Mary thought starting anew as a better thing to do than recalling what was in the past. She resolved that if she didn’t remember what was in the past, then creating new memories with Theo was the way to go whether it was friendship or possibly something more. “My parents are wonderful but slightly boring and most times annoying, really. And my three older brothers are all just pains in the ass. But I love them. I love all of them.” Wonder sparkled in her eyes and the smile on her face was serene as she spoke. Instead of Theo telling her about herself, Mary turned the moment into introducing herself to him. Even if most of the things she would say, he probably already knew. “I love taking walks when the sky is dark and it’s about to rain. It always feels like the air around me is charged, and the smell of the air is something very nostalgic. And when it really starts raining and you feel the first drops on your face? It’s magical.”  

[mary-macdcnald]

lovestrucktheo:

Come sleep in my room tonight. What was Theo supposed to say to that? His heart wanted to say yes immediately - his mind reminded him that this wasn’t the same Mary. This was the new Mary being kind to him, seeing him and taking pity on him. This - this was too good to be true. But the longer she talked the more he began to realize that perhaps this new Mary needed him too. Her body knew him while her mind did not, and for that, he was eternally grateful. Hesitantly, he found himself nodding in response to her request. “Alright.” Of course he agreed. Mary was his weakness; he could never turn her down.

The request to help her remember was a slightly different story. He didn’t know where to begin. She didn’t remember an inkling of their time together; not the way they met, not the way he wooed her for weeks, not the first time they kissed, not the first time they had sex, not the days of them pretending they weren’t together, not the nights of cuddling close and whispering sweet nothings and promises that would soon be broken thanks to one memory-loss-inducing curse. He wasn’t sure if he was strong enough to handle it, but he was already following her to her room. It was too late to change his mind now. 

Once in her room, he froze by the door. Usually he’d strip down into his boxers, hop in bed, and pull her close to his body. Usually he’d kiss her on the forehead and tell her to get some fucking sleep, Mar and she’d whack him and they’d sleep closer than ever. That was before. This, this was now. “Um - do you want, uh - which side?” He asked politely. He already knew the answer. She slept facing away from the wall, and he slept on the side closest to the wall. “Or I can - I can sleep on the floor too, if you - just let me know.”

Though she would never care to admit, Mary was more than happy that Theo agreed. But the slightly giddy smile she failed to repress was more than enough evidence. She only hoped he missed it through the darkness of the household at this hour. Together they trudged up the stairs to her bedroom, and just as Mary did before she slept, removed the knot that bound her dark locks together. She kept it short right after graduating from Hogwarts. But it’s been so long since her last haircut that it has grown out ever since, and with everything that happened, a haircut was the least of her concerns. 

Her room was not exactly big nor extravagant looking. The walls were painted a pale blue that matched her pillows and her sheets, and practically most of the things she owned. Her desk was a mess of unused notebooks and pencils strewn about, of messy sketches on half-filled sketchpads and books left unfinished. It was simple and nothing out of the ordinary. But it spoke Mary. It took her a while to realize Theo was standing by the door, completely disoriented. Mary rolled her eyes at his remark. “Honestly, if I intended for you to sleep on the floor, I wouldn’t have bothered asking you to sleep here, idiot.” She threw him a dirty look, a sliver of ‘Mary’ finally showing up in the moment. She took a deep breath and tried to compose herself. “Sorry. I mean- The bed’s big enough for us anyway, and I don’t really like sleeping too close to the wall.” Mary laid on the bed, eyes staring up at the ceiling as she’s done countless times before.

“Did I call you idiot a lot? Or fuckwad? Or dickweasel?” She must have. It was the only form of endearment she was good at. A smile was beginning to form at the corners of her lips as she asked. “Did you have a favorite? Did you call me anything other than Mary?” She couldn’t help the questions conjured by her brain. It already took too much of her not to ask everything all at the same time.

[somepiecesofmyheartandsoul-deac]

“I don’t care if the universe who created me, forgets about me,” he tells her, “As long as I am not forgotten by you.”

Lukas W. // Forgotten Words #197 // Please remember me (via somepiecesofmyheartandsoul)

@lovestrucktheo

[mary-macdcnald]

lovestrucktheo:

The second Mary embraced him, Theo almost crumbled. This felt so familiar - Mary smelled the same as she always did, and the way their bodies fit together was almost as if they were meant to be. They had always been a perfect match in some ways, and Theo couldn’t believe he was this close to what they had before. So close, yet so far. That seemed to be the motto of Theo’s life lately. He embraced her back, hugging her close and hoping she would never leave his arms, hoping that a hug was all she needed to turn back into her old self. 

The hug didn’t last forever, and soon enough Mary left his arms. Theo tried playing it cool, his jaw locked to keep himself from showing his vulnerable side. There was a glimmer of sadness in Mary’s eyes when she left him, and even more when she told him he deserved to be with someone else. “There isn’t anyone else.” He replied all too quickly, his heart wanting to reply before his head could catch up. “There isn’t, and I’ll leave if you want me to, but - my heart will always be right here.” Theo placed his hand gently over Mary’s heart, doing his best to hold back any tears he had left. “I’ve never met anyone as exciting, as genuine, as feisty, as beautiful as you, and I suspect I never will. I’m here because I’m happiest with you - memory loss and all, Mar, I’m happier here than I would be completely alone.” 

Theo took a step back from her, running a hand through his hair and realizing all of the words that he’d actually let slip out of his mouth. “I’m sorry. You should, um - I should get back to the couch.”

Mary’s eyes filled with a bittersweet happiness that set a sad smile on her face. Her heart swelled at the love she was feeling from him, but broke just as much at her loss of memory. Theo seemed to love her with all his heart, and Mary wanted nothing more than to remember. Despite his cold demeanor and rigid facade, Theo was warmth and light and comfort. His arms felt like home. And though she hated the idea of not having him there, it was wrong to keep him waiting, hoping for nothing.

My heart will always be right here. Mary almost shattered. She has never been in love with anyone before Theo. His love for her made Mary’s heart soar, and yet, she could not quite imagine herself actually loving someone. How much did I love you, Theodore Nott? The idea was unfathomable. She was about to place a hand over his when he pulled away. No. The loss of contact with him felt almost unbearable and left her breathless, aching for his arms around her again. “Come sleep in my room tonight.” She hated how it made her seem so desperate and helpless. “I- I haven’t been sleeping that well, and- I don’t know. Maybe- Maybe my body remembers more than my mind could. And- and- maybe I sleep better with- with you around.” It was, in fact, the case. Mary found herself spending more and more nights at Theo’s place until eventually, her own flat was practically of no use. She couldn’t sleep alone. She couldn’t sleep without Theo’s arms around her. Or maybe she merely preferred it that way. But whatever it was, her body had grown accustomed to it, and refused to let her get a good night’s sleep. 

The uncertainty that hung in the air was almost insufferable. She hated sounding like she was begging. It was not Mary Macdonald. Mary was always so used to getting her way with her family. And she made sure she got what she wanted even in Hogwarts even if she had to use fists and end up with a bloody nose.  But with Theo, she didn’t want to force anything. She didn’t want him doing what he didn’t want to. She didn’t want him to suffer any more than he already was. “And maybe you could tell me more. Help me remember. I mean- I mean if that’s- that’s okay with you. It’s perfectly fine if you prefer the couch.” 

[mary-macdcnald]

lovestrucktheo:

What if I don’t remember? What if you’re waiting for something that won’t ever return? That thought scared Theo shitless. He’d waited for a long time already, how much longer did he have in him? I’d wait till my dying day if there was a chance she’d come back. Theo straightened up, his emotional side shutting down quickly. His demeanor became colder, more resolute - there’s nothing you can do but wait. He replied in a tone that was more vulnerable than he would’ve liked. “I’ll always be here - unless you tell me to leave, then I’ll leave. But I’ll always be here for you. Memory or not.”

Her body remembered what her mind did not and that? That made Theo’s stomach flip. She was so close to remembering, so close it was on the tip of her tongue. He looked into her eyes and saw the same girl he’d fallen in love with but now questions swirled around her irises, questions she should’ve known the answers to. Her words finally hit him. She may never remember. She may always be close to remembering, but not close enough. He stood up suddenly, his hands shaking ever so slightly. “Excuse me, I’ll - I’ll be right back, I promise.”

Theo quickly excused himself, heading to the bathroom. Once the door closed behind him he took a deep breath and sat on the tiled floor, doing his best not to break down into an embarrassing fit of tears. She may never remember and time will pass and one day one of you will die and one of you could die you could die never getting the chance to hold her again or feel her lips against yours you may never get her back - 

Theo curled up as small as he could, and cried the tears he had been so desperate to keep hidden from the girl who’d forgotten him.

The tone of his voice was different this time, and it broke Mary’s heart to hear the vulnerability in it. She had no memory of him, but she knew exactly what that change in expression meant, what the change in his tone meant. He was about to break. It was quite odd how Mary knew all of it despite not completely remembering who Theo was and what role he played in her life. She knew the small things – how his hand shook when he was daunted and anxious, how his forehead creased when perplexed, how his fingers would linger on a glass before handing it to her. At first she thought they were random images that sprang in her mind, but thanks to his confirmation, she could connect them to Theodore Nott.

Mary did not want him to leave. Despite having no memory of him, Theo brought warmth and light in her heart that she couldn’t quite explain. She wanted to stop him from leaving - grab his arm, block his way, do something. But none of the fibers of her muscles moved even the slightest. She waited. And she waited. And she waited. Until she could take it no more and stood in front of the bathroom door. She didn’t know how long it took for him to come out. But when he did, she immediately stepped towards him and cautiously, almost hesitantly, took his face in her hands. But it wasn’t quite love that was in her eyes but a remorseful apology. “I wish I remembered.” She whispered, eyes searching his every feature. “I wish I remembered how much I loved you.” Her thumbs stroked his cheeks before her hands fell at her sides. Mary dove into his arms and engulfed him in a tight embrace. Having grown up with the roughness of brothers, she would much rather tease and prank to show love. It was unusual for Mary to be affectionate like this. But it was different this time. She didn’t know why. Maybe a part of her still loved him. A part of her remembered just how much.

“I don’t want you to leave.” She whispered against his chest, eyes closing. The odd comfort and warmth that only came to her in small ounces at Theo’s presence heightened. It was overflowing from her chest and slowly began consuming her. She felt whole. She felt safe. She felt like Mary. “I constantly ache for something. Like I know something’s missing,” she opened her eyes and looked up at him, “and all along it was this. It was you.” Her eyes filled with pain and longing and loss. “But I’m not going to chain you to me or hold you back from moving on with your life. I’m not going to make you wait for someone who might never come back.” She pulled away from him and almost instantly the warmth left her. “You deserve more than that. You’re a good person, Theo. You’re wonderfuĺ, and kind, and patient. You should be with someone who can give you the love you deserve.” She faked a smile, knowing full well the sadness brimmed in her eyes. “You can leave anytime you wish. If you find yourself tired of waiting, just- just go ahead. I-I know I would have wanted you to be happy.”

[mary-macdcnald]

lovestrucktheo:

Theo was unsure how to respond. Did she really want to know the truth, after so adamantly refusing to believe that he had ever existed? Would knowing make things better or worse for them? The last thing Theo wanted was to make her feel obligated in any way towards him. He was here as a friend, and a friend only. The Mary from before was gone. He wanted to lie to her, but he couldn’t lie to her, not when she asked him at point blank for the truth. He gently reached out to pull up the sleeve on her forearm. There were scars there, scars that weren’t her own doing at all. “These are my fault.” He began, looking at them and counting them in his head. “We were in love. We didn’t do labels. My parents didn’t like you because of your blood status, and they found out and they did this to you. They hurt you, and that’s entirely my fault.”

He let go of her arm, taking a few steps back. “I loved you. Love you, still. Your family can attest to it, I promise. But that doesn’t mean you have to - you shouldn’t feel like you have to because you did. We were in love then but things change and that’s - that’s okay, I guess.” Theo ran a hand through his hair, moving back towards the couch. He thought about showing her the scars that matched her own, but thought better of it. There’s no reason to show her those now. “Those scars should be on my back, not your arms. They’re meant to match the rest of mine, anyways.” He sat back on the couch, looking at his feet. “Any other questions, Mar?”

Her chest began thrumming at his touch. Even that was familiar, but why couldn’t she remember any of it? Her eyes traced over the scars on her arms. She always assumed they were from a mission gone wrong, a torture from a dark wizard apprehended. In love. That did not come as a surprise to Mary. Just by the way Theo looked at her, Mary knew. She knew very well. She just needed someone to validate what she thought over and over through the sleepless nights. But despite this, Mary couldn’t help but feel a little broken for him. She let out the breath she didn’t even realize she was holding when Theo let go and stepped back. Something inside her wanted to throw herself around him and never let go, just to comfort him.

 She joined him in the couch, legs pulled up against her chest. Her fingers brushed over the scars, and a sudden image flashed in her mind -- the back of a lean frame marked with scars, almost like a tally; some were silver and barely noticeable, but most were raised, pink lines etched onto his skin. Was that his? A chill shot through her veins when he mentioned about the scars on his back. It was him. It was memories of him that bothered her sleep. “Sounds like you don’t mean it.” She said with a small smile. “If roles were reversed- if I was left with the love of my life not remembering me, I wouldn’t be okay with it. Not in the slightest. But props to you for being selfless.” Her hand patted his shoulder. “I’m sure you didn’t intend to hurt me. And I’m pretty sure I loved you a hell lot if I chose to stay through all of this.” She pulled down her sleeve to hide the scars. 

She was silent for a time, just letting her eyes pass over his features and desperately trying to remember anything about him. But then another headache struck her sharply and she had to close her eyes and turn away. “God, I just- I want to remember so bad. I can’t stand it. Every time I see you feels like a deja vu. I can’t breathe when you’re too close, and my chest tightens every time you look at me. It’s like- like my body is trying to tell me something my mind forgot.” She buried her face in her hands, trying to quell the headache. “Theo,” she said, voice frail and uncertain. “What if I don’t ever remember? What if you’re waiting for something that won’t ever return?”