2024 Thought Trains
This year has left it with a lot to reflect on. There were a lot of low points that left it feeling really down and out, really thinking that a lot of progress hadn't been made. Sometimes it feels like it is left spinning in circles making the same mistakes over and over again expecting to come up with different results. It's a hard pill to swallow, seeing those ruts, those stuck points and wishing it knew then what it knows now. At the same time hoping it knows enough to stop the cycle of continuing on the same path. It thinks this year its definitely learned two things, to be more forgiving of itself and to appreciate the small steps forward.
In a few years it has went from being damaged goods, agoraphobic and afraid of the world, to still mostly afraid of the world but facing it in new ways everyday. From going to therapy each week, taking its medications, balancing a pretty full family schedule and day by day discovering new parts of itself. The biggest part discovered being this resilience to keep moving forward no matter what. It's something its therapist first pointed out but is something it definitely sees a lot, especially lately.
It says especially lately because there's been this drive within the system, this desire for a different future. It guesses we're just figuring out how to piece that future together still. It gets overwhelming when it still isn't used to being allowed to make its own decisions. That's something it wants to change. Breaking the cycle of codependency. It needs to find its shiny spine and learn how to use it. That's its hope for 2025. More independent thinking. More decision making. More freedom. A chance to really show the world who it is and what it stands for.
~Ikelos
