Besides 2020 being a crackpot of a year for the entire world population, lately Iâve been going through a strangely difficult awakening with regard to my romantic relationships
After my breakup last year with a man I was sure I would at least be engaged to, Iâve been all but gun-shy to put myself back on the dating scene. Iâve spent a lot of time examining my reasons for the hesitation--from perhaps not being hot enough (thus losing like 30 lbs), to maybe not being forward enough (thus getting on dating apps and putting myself âout thereâ)
Disclaimer--I have regular romantic âawakeningsâ where I try to figure out what a given failed situationship taught me, but this one seemed kinda different.
After having (yet another) emotional breakdown this past week, triggered by the repetitive tumultuous relationship of a (yet another) romantic fling, and him officially ending things today--I got to thinking.
Why did I feel nothing when he told me he didnât want to see me again? Why did I act out to push him to end it anyway? Why did I feel I had prematurely mourned the end of the fling during my meltdown anyway, unbeknownst to him? And why was it when I knew it was doomed, I was still scared to end things myself and thus put the onus on him by acting the way I did?
I realized that is âmy pattern.â
Step 1. I date guys I donât really like or Iâm not really interested in because I know they like me and are interested in me. I do this because I genuinely believe in love and genuinely believe everyone deserves a chance and I fear ending up alone because I missed a true love connection because I didnât give someone a chance.
Step 2. I expect them do deal with my antics and unstableness and flakiness because I know they like me more and âthey should be grateful Iâm giving them a chance.â The whole time Iâm doing this Iâm also trying really hard to convince myself I like them too and going along with everything I believe they want, ask, and require.
Step 3. The mask starts to fade as it gets harder and harder to pretend that Iâm not truly sold, they eventually catch on to the fact that Iâm not as into it as they believed I was (and that I tried to convince myself I was), and (if they have enough self respect--which they dont always do) they walk away.
Or alternatively, I have a brief moment of clarity where I attempt to end things myself because I know Iâm not super into it (but, because itâs hard for me to stand my ground in these matters, I come back around for the reasons expressed in âStep 1âł)
Step 4. They (upset) accuse me of lying, playing them, being crazy, or being untrustworthy, and me (confused) internalize the vitriol and genuinely believe Iâm âbadâ at relationships and ânot worthy of love.â
And it only just occurred to me that none of this would be the case if I just dated guys I liked. If I let nature take itâs course and allowed myself to organically meet someone, get to know them, genuinely like them, and become intimate. If I said no (and stuck with it) every time a halfway decent looking man came into my life and wanted to be with me when I was truly not feeling it. If I wasnât so desperate to check things off on my list of âthings I need to have accomplished by a certain age so I dont look like a freak.â
And this bleeds over to my friendships and other areas of my life. My most rewarding relationships are with people I actually like, who feed my soul, who contribute to my growth, and who I donât feel drained being around or donât feel I need to wear a mask for their approval.
I know this all sounds so basic, but this is something new to me. Iâve always bragged that âI only date guys who like meâ as if that was a statement of how desirable i was and how smart I was by only putting myself in safe romantic situations. But I didnât realize I was playing myself the whole time by relinquishing my agency and forcing something with someone who I had little to no feelings for whatsoever because it served some sort of purpose, and then things ultimately not working out and me feeling worse in the long run (because it was so âsafeâ and âshould have workedâ).
I donât know what organically meeting someone and falling in love looks like yet. I still have a tendency to romanticize any interaction with even a hint of interest on their part. But Iâm learning. Iâm learning to let the chips fall where they may. Iâm learning to say no when I donât really want something or am not sold on something. And Iâm learning to accept that not every avenue of oneâs life can be checked off in a perfect little planner.
Itâs hard yes and itâs lonely. But it will save so many people, including me, from the inevitable heartbreak of pretending to be in love.
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