Dualitas

Romanticising a little of everything... I don't even know what to name it, thought dualitas would be perfect for this dual personality of mine, I often write about what I feel or what inspires me... I'm not that good with interacting or having an audience, but I hope we get along...

[mawatoshan]

Nights like these, is when jumping from a terrace, doesn't feel that bad...

There would be an image of You. Starry sky. Moon. A diary. Letters. Memories. Silence.

Perfect way of resigning I'd say...

[mawatoshan]

The one who poeticize love knows it least, they do so, not because they know it, but from longing—turning absence into poetry, suffering into beauty.

[mawatoshan]

Is it normal for a writer who romanticise eternity with a certain and only person he's ever loved to actually lose feelings for them...

Was it false ideals or did reality simply set in?

Was it idealised perfection or did genuine connection wore off?

Was it the loss of infatuation or discovery of incompatibility?

Was it a dream that shattered or a reality that didn't meet my expectations?

Did reality tarnish the ideal or was it flawed from the start?

Was it love I truly felt, or was it love I wanted to feel?

Was it the reality of her or the fantasy I created?

I loved her, I really do, and I'd still do anything for her. But her actions makes me doubt myself. If I actually am capable of love. Nothing that I do will ever be enough for her.

I saw her with another guy, as well as in her stories, maybe she loves him, maybe she doesn't, I haven't confirmed it yet. Is it wrong that I'd wanna back off and let her live her life, to ghost her and not bother her anymore... I want to be there for her, but I don't wanna be someone who's gonna interfere in her private relationship...

After everything, this is the woman I talk of spending eternity with, is it wrong if I somehow found someone new, and love her more than the one I used to romanticised about. Would all of my statements been proved wrong? Would I have contradicted on my own self? Would moving on do any good. I told myself I'd loved this person forever and no one else, but what if I ended up meeting someone who actually makes me wanna loved myself and match my actual ideals... Can I fall in love twice in a lifetime? Or would the first one be nothing but admiration... and this is the true love I've been longing for...

Maybe I'll never know, maybe I will someday. I hope my actions aren't wrong, and it'll lead me to where I'm actually supposed to be... even if not with her... though I wanted too...

[mawatoshan]

Maybe I've had enough, for the first time, I want to try putting myself first, no more expectations, no more longing for her... if my actual woman, who i belong to, comes for me, I'm starting everything all over...

I'm not sure if it's a good realisation or not. But why would I spent the rest of my life loving someone who don't even love me back... I thought it was poetic, I thought it was an amazing thing... it was, I've spent my whole life for as long as I've lived loving her... but I wonder what's on the other side... what if life took a different turning...

Love for me has always been something I'm supposed to be bound by, it's loyalty, sticking around, till death do us part... so I've never took it from another's perspective... I thought. Love was kind, Love was patient. So I tried, I am... but if she isn't, that ain't Love from her side...

My mom, I adore her, She's the embodiment of love, kindness and humility itself ... I thought maybe I'd be like her... I'll get married to anyone, the first person I meet, I'd love and stick around forever... we both had our flaws and faults... she wasn't wrong, she had her own perspective... now that my mind's cleared out a bit... I realised, love isn't for the current me...

I may have love her. But I couldn't love the kiddo within, priorities do change, and I'm choosing myself for once... if we happen to meet again and if the love is still there, we'll try again, but if not, I'm letting you go... you deserve to be happy. But so do I...

[mawatoshan]

Her photos, her memories, her voice notes, her messages are all I have left of her... no matter how strong I may be, you make me vulnerable... you make me cry like a little baby, when I get hurt by you... you make me wanna drown myself in tears to death... Nights like these is when I miss you most, when I'm no longer in your presence, or when I no longer mean something to you...

[mawatoshan]

Many will admire you. Many will Wander your way. But Love, I'm here to stay,

[mawatoshan]

I don't care, I choose My woman. Even if she doesn't... Her feelings are valid, but so are mine, man... I love her alot, undeniably, foolishly, irreversibly, madly, crazy in love with her... I may not be the one she chooses... but is it so wrong of me to wanna choose her... my time was hers and none of my body part would even listen to me. Every part of me is screaming out her name, I want her... Whats mine is hers... What's hers is hers, so she's living her life and I just survive... I let her chose her self before me, she's my priority and hers as well...I don't mind if I'm not the one she chooses, let her break me, tear me apart if it means, she still thinks of me... she's such a kind soul, I don't wanna hurt her, I'm willing to lose her if it means she gets to be happy... even if not with me... I don't even believe in "right person" context, for I believe in her, I'm sorry but even if I were to meet the right person, I'm not starting anything new with them... I'd want "her" to actually be my right person... she's all that I want...

[mawatoshan]

Just shut up and let her be happy... I don't wanna see her new man's face... I won't even look at him but her eyes, I just hope it looks happy..

[mawatoshan]

If it's your will God, I'd withdraw for now... because your plans are greater than mine... but please, I just hope it's a future with her... she's the one I wanna run home too... if not her, I don't want anyone else...

[mawatoshan]

She's my only ex, and I'm content with being the only one, for as long as I'm breathing... I'd keep on loving her... no matter what life throws against me... all i want is her... if not her, it's not anyone else... I'd prove all theories as false, because this woman, is all I want... and none can say otherwise...

[mawatoshan]

My future is you, you're in it, in all of it... I might not be in yours but I'd take whatever path which keeps on leading me to you...

[mawatoshan]

You think I even got options? I'm not even my own first, but you, you take over all of that list... I'd choose you over anybody else... even amidst my cousins( you know how close I am with them, but if I were to choose) I'd choose you over and over again... you're my only priority... before and after and forever... I may meet new people, but no one crosses boundaries, because they know, this heart already belongs to you...

[mawatoshan]

She was my first, and probably my last... I loved her and will forever do so...

[mawatoshan]

You'll never see my wedding photos, unless it's you, I get married to. You're more likely to see my funeral photos, but I feel like chances are thin, I haven't made much of an impact on life, I don't have many people who'd actually be there... My life is a little messy and but you make sense out of it... that's the only picture I'd hold unto when I die, it'll be my last request from anyone who stays a little longer to fulfilled it for me ...

[mawatoshan]

You think I'm not scared of losing you? I don't even sleep much in hopes I still have you around... I don't want to wake up one day and know I lost you... today I did... I actually lost you and every bones in my body is screaming in agony, My soul feels helpless, my heart beats abnormally...my minds crazier than the time I first met you... now all I wanna do is sleep, Hoping it was just a bad dream and what happened didn't actually happened... tell me it's a Lucid dream, wake me up from this nightmare... I want my woman back...

[mawatoshan]

7 years? I'd wait for you my whole life if that's how long it takes for me to get you... I'm obsessively, undeniably, hopelessly in love with you...

[mawatoshan]

Maybe you are someone else's dream girl, but I'm yours and that won't change the fact I belong to you... I'm tied to you and my soul don't even want anyone else but you... who wouldn't want you, move on if it helps for you... but me, I'm forever tied down with one option, I believe we only fall in love once in our life time. And that's you... I fell in love with you...