Meh Meh Meh @maxinesaephanh-blog - Tumblr Blog

hello is this thing still on

I don't wanna be alone... I also don't want to talk to anyone

Half of me wants to do domestic things with someone like go grocery shopping, fold some bedsheets and read the newspaper over breakfast. The other half of me wants to drink a whole fifth of Hennessy and light some firecrackers in the backyard. Being 24 is confusing.

swolizard

The reason some girls wear make up..

How much do you lie to yourself?

Over the past few weeks I’ve found myself distancing myself from someone I couldn’t let go for two years. YES. TWO YEARS. Is that dedication or is that kind of pathetic? A little bit of both of we’re being honest. Every few months I tell myself I didn’t need him, I’m better off without him in my life and then he’d shoot me a text saying something so simple like, “are you awake?” And then I take two, okay more like seven steps backwards. I walk back into this pit of despair and I fall back into this loop of telling myself this time things will be different and they’ll be on my terms. Long story short, they’re never on my terms and it’s never different. I put myself out there, he takes his fill and I’m back in my room sitting in the dark at 2 am thinking about how I should have just went to bed instead of responding. I always respond. I tell myself I’m not going to respond but I do.

I’ve gotten accustomed to lying to myself apparently. And the saddest part is that I’m sort of okay with it and that’s not something to be okay with. It’s like I’ve always known I’m an asshole and I’ve always been okay with knowing I’m an asshole but in reality it’s totally not okay with being okay with being an asshole. <– I’m getting distracted and the whole asshole thing is another story I’ll talk about … I don’t know when. Sometime in the future (and that’s not a lie, I promise.)

My friends tell me all the time that I deserve to be happy and I deserve to be with someone who appreciates me. I think my problem is that I hear what they say but I don’t process it because I’m distracted. What am I distracted by? My friend Tuyen told me that I’m into this guy because he’s hot and he has a huge penis. It’s so true. Does that make me shallow? A little. Okay a lot.

So is that my problem? I’m shallow? Nah (well that’s not my main issue). My problem is that I’m weak and I want to tell myself I’m a realist but I’m a dreamer. I’m dreaming of what we can be rather than addressing the truth that we are nothing and we will never be nothing. I’ve always said I knew we wouldn’t work out but I don’t think I’ve really processed it.

I don’t even know what I’m talking about anymore. My ex snap chatted me twice two days ago and I really want to tell him to fuck off. I also really want him to see cute photos of me in my story so he can sit back and reflect on how badly he blew it.

Also, I quit Origins (once again another story).

A yes is never a yes unless it's a fuck yes and if it's not a fuck yes then it's a fuck no. How much time do we spend chasing things we will never attain? Probably way too much. Not probably, but definitely. We definitely spend way too much time chasing things that will never truly be ours. Things or people? Things and people. I believe in hard work and I believe in dedication. I don't believe in having to work hard to have someone notice you. After a while, it's exhausting but more importantly, it's embarrassing. Why exhaust your efforts when all you're going to get is one yes in a bundle of no's. It's still a bundle of no's. I know first hand how it feels to throw everything to someone who doesn't even bother to pretend to try to catch it. Was it a bad toss? Nope, it was perfectly thrown with the right amount of speed and precision. I wanted you to be able to catch it with your eyes closed -- with only one arm extended. I don't even know what I'm talking about anymore. I'm just tired. Of everything. And everyone.

I suppose this is officially a thing

I've been making guacamole for a few years now but I've perfected my own recipe. It's a spinoff of Chrissy Teigen's Cheese Guacamole. You can find her recipe here.

Ingredients

6-8 Medium Avocados or 4 Large Avocados.

Juice of Two Limes

2 Tomatoes - Chopped (You want to scoop out all of the seeds because you don't want a runny guacamole)

1 Bundle of Cilantro - Chopped Finely. I don't use the stems, only the leaves.

1 Jalapeño - Seeds Removed & Finely Chopped

1 Tablespoon of Garlic Powder (I don't use fresh garlic because it can be too intense for some people)

Salt & Black Pepper to taste (about 1 Teaspoon Each)

2 Tablespoons of Sriracha

1 Cup of SHARP Cheddar Cheese

They key to making a good guacamole is to not over-mix. I take about half of the avocados and I just scoop them into the bowl and I mash them. I take the rest of the avocados and I cube them. You want a good mixture of creamy and chunky. After I've cubed the rest of the avocados, I add everything (except the cheese) into the bowl and I mix it with a wooden spoon. After everything is mixed and seasoned to taste, I add in about half a cup of cheese and I mix that well and then I top the bowl with the rest of the cheese.

This makes enough to serve a 10-12 people. Unless you're my friends then this will serve about 6-8, lol. I promise this is a crowd pleaser!

Happy Galentines Day to me!

#parks and recreation references

#nofuckboys2k15 needs to be a thing.

I had the infamous Crème brûlée Cappuccino before Arabica Lounge closes it’s doors forever on February 15th.

Rachel’s Gingerbeer x Vanilla Latte @ Analog Coffee

Being human is hard sometimes.

I'm a fickle person and I have a tough time making decisions. Even small decisions like what flavor ice cream do I want or what kind of socks I want to wear today. I panic a lot and I end up ordering something like strawberry cheesecake when I know that I hate strawberries. I put on one blue sock and one purple sock and I leave the house and I realize that you can see my socks peaking out of my nikes. And then I'm stuck with a scoop of ice cream I won't eat, feeling like the person standing behind me is judging me because I am adult and my socks never match.

I also have a hard time saying no. I'm working literally every single day until my 24th birthday. My birthday is February 28th and it's only February 12th. I have a 61 hour work week the week of my birthday. 61 hours. Are you kidding me. 61 freaking hours. Because my coworker wanted a few days off and I volunteered to take her shifts. What the Hell was I thinking? Oh that's right. "Must say yes."

This will all make sense in about three sentences.

I made amends with the guy I wrote a post about a few weeks back. He said sorry and told me he's going to make an effort to be a little more patient, to be a little more understanding and overall, a little more pleasant. And like a fickle, stupid human being, I said "Okay, we can try again." I said yes, when I should have said FUCK NO.

My biggest problem is that I think too much. I would say that generally, I make pretty good decisions. And even when I make bad decisions, I always pull through in the end. I have a good moral compass (does that even make sense?). I mean, I know how to determined right from wrong. Don't kill animals. Don't scam people. Don't intentionally hurt anyone. Which leads me to giving people more chances than they deserve. There's this constant voice in the back of my head that says, what it? WHAT IF. WHAT IF. WHAT IF. Maybe this might work out. Maybe he learned his lesson. Maybe he really wants to try.

I will let you know now. It didn't work out. He didn't learn his lesson. He didn't want to try (anymore).

Before we get into all the fucked up shit he said to me, I'll admit.. I wasn't the best person to him either. Most people won't admit all the wrong things they did in a relationship, but I will. I didn't give him the attention he wanted. I didn't give him the affection he craved. I didn't hold my tongue and I refused to be that submissive mouse I was a month ago. I didn't want to turn back into the person who lost herself to a man. I didn't want to go down that same road to Hell because I was too scared to tell him how I felt because I was too scared to lose him. I went into this second chance with a good head on my shoulder and with a clear vision of what I deserved. Also, I was fighting feelings I had for someone else (but that's another story because he's irrelevant and the fuckboy of all fuckboys).

I will say that once we talked through our issues, it worked out for maybe... I don't know, 4 days. This guy paid more attention to my concerns. He was a lot more patient with me and he was understanding. He made me smile again, there was probably a ridiculous twinkle in my eye and I had a little more pep in my step. That was short lived. Extremely short lived.

I will tell you now. People don't change overnight and people don't change in four days. People don't change unless they want to change and this guy did not want to change. It was all a front because in the end, he is still the arrogant asshole that I can't push far enough away. He's a shitty person and he's always going to be a shitty person. He was a shitty person when I met him and he's going to be a shitty person a year down the line when he finds someone else to temporarily put up with him. I'm not saying he's a shitty person because I'm bitter because I'm not bitter. He is legitimately a shitty person (whose totally racist -- but again, another story).

I knew I should have ended it for good the second I told him we could try again. But I'm weak and that voice was screaming WHAT IF. WHAT IF. WHAT IF. Also, I can be incredibly selfish. I wasn't going to let go of him so he could find comfort in the arms of someone else. If I wasn't making him happy, he wasn't going to be happy (okay that's an exaggeration but it's seriously aggravating to think about someone else being his sense of comfort). I wanted to be number one in his life even if he wasn't number one in mines. I knew this guy liked me. I knew he wanted to be with me and I knew I was the first thing he thought of in the morning and last thing he thought of at night. And it felt great even though I knew I could never feel that way about him again.

Sidenote: The absolutely worst part of new relationships is getting to really know someone. I'm talking about the nasty, disgusting things they do. I saw the very worst in this guy and I still stuck around. Why? He has a 6 pack and I wanted to touch it (kidding, but not really). I saw all the arrogance, all the negativity and all the hate in him and I still thought to myself, there's light at the end of every tunnel. I thought that since I can be a terrible person sometimes, he's allowed to be a terrible person sometimes. The only difference is that I am not a shitty person. I can be shitty sometimes but overall, I have a good heart and I would put money on that.

One lesson that he taught me was that I should never be with someone who would hurt me just because he knew he could. That's an extremely important lesson and I thank him for that. I should never be with someone who purposely got under my skin because he was upset with me. I should never be with someone who would throw shit in my face because he wasn't happy. I should never be with someone who would give up on me because he just wasn't in the mood.

Things ended this morning on a terrible note. This was probably one of the worst ways I've ever ended anything with someone because it escalated so quickly. What happened? I was in a bad mood and he laughed at me instead of being understanding. He mocked me instead of being nurturing. Instead of telling me that there are better days to come, he told me to text him when I stopped being a bitch.

So I told him to lose my fucking number and I regret nothing.

#nofuckboys2k15

Things that have happened in the last week:

I cleaned the shit out of my room and found 5 missing MAC lipsticks.

I had raw oysters for the first time and hated my life.

Converted from being a Jameson drinking to a Hennessy drinker.

Went to Parfait after months of trying to get people to come with me.

Visited the 73rd floor of Columbia Tower.

Seahawks lost the Superbowl and Seattle died a little.

Fell in love with Criminal Minds.

Discovered that I don't like ramen. Really, really don't like ramen.

Found out my position in Women's Fragrances was cut.

GOT HIRED IN ORIGINS!

What an eventful week.

Currently obsessed with anything and everything by Lapsley.

Loving this lipstick.

#melt cosmetics #dark room

I never thought I could hurt a guy so much by not paying enough attention to him. Hurt him so much he deletes me from Facebook, unfollows me on Instagram and blocks my number.

It wasn't like I was texting you anyways!

I suppose there's a first for everything *shrugs*

I was so sure this was real, but

Now I'm sure of nothing at all

I had to shatter to pieces

You made me reveal myself, reveal myself

So if you no longer need them

Then give them to someone else

Take what you gave

And throw it away

Now everything's changed, it's misplaced

Nothing to say, cause' I'm not the same.

When is enough actually enough?

I’ve been thinking about a few decisions I’ve made recently regarding letting people go, ending relationships and being okay with being alone.

I would say that for practically my whole adult life, I’ve been alone. There have been flings, crushes, awkward kisses and a few inappropriate phone calls made but I wouldn’t consider any of them to be anything real. Recently I’ve found myself in a ‘sort of-kind of-maybe’ relationship and it freaked me out big time. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoyed most of it but the thought of fully committing myself to someone did throw me off. This meant that I couldn’t be slutty even if I wanted to. I’m not saying being slutty is a current past time of mine but you know, it’s nice to have the option.

What made me like this guy? What made me want to be with him? He’s funny, he’s smart, he paid way too much attention to me. People always say that they don’t want to be with someone who’s clingy, who’s needy, who’s too attached but honestly, knowing that someone cares that much about you is great. It’s a fantastic way to boost your ego. To know that someone you like feels the same way about you. Being told that you’re the best part of someone’s day is extremely satisfying no matter who says it. Seriously, it’s fuckin’ amazing.

Like all (eh, most) relationships, things start out great. You’re wearing rose colored glasses and everything that comes out of this guy’s mouth is gold. Aw, he loves his mom. Aw, he loves his cat. Aw, aw, aw. Then you start getting a little deeper and you find out he’s extremely loyal to his friends and the people he lets in his life. He’s responsible and he has real plans for his future. This guy seems great and you wonder, “what did I do in a past life to deserve such an amazing guy?” Seriously, what did I do? And let me do it again!

You spend a couple weeks with him and you start to make excuses for his little quirks. You tell yourself that no one is perfect and if he can live with your neurotic behavior, you can ignore his snarky comments or the fact that he hates babies (seriously, who hates babies? I don’t even think Hitler hated babies). His sarcasm isn’t endearing anymore, his teasing isn’t funny and the fact that he hates puppies (and babies) start to bug you.

This goes on for a little while and the you start to think of the good times you guys shared. Like when you built a gingerbread house, binged on Thai food and Archer and that one time you showed up half an hour late and he waited for you with a handmade scarf. You realize that he replies to your text messages all day, everything. This guy asks you about your day and genuinely cares about how it went. And the you realize, he’s the only person in your call log, your best friend on snapchat and you have exchanged about 5000 text messages in the last month.

And then you have your first fight. AND. IT. IS. DEVASTATING. This was like paving our way to the gates of Hell because there was no coming back from this. I would say that I am the type of person who doesn’t like to argue but is really good at arguing. I have this undeniable snark when it comes to arguing with someone. I can’t shut my mouth and I can’t back down. I think this was a big reason why I could never work anything out with anyone but that will be saved for another blog post. But with this guy, I was so submissive. I said sorry for things I wasn’t sorry for. I seriously apologized for being understanding and reasonable. I wanted to react with anger, I wanted to show how devastated I was. I saw red and wanted to punch a hole in the wall (well I wanted to break someone’s little piggy nose more) but you get the point. But I held my tongue, I kept my composure, I listened and I apologized. For something I shouldn’t have apologized for.

Do you wanna know when you realize you really, really like someone? When you’re willing to accept the loss in an argument you’re clearly going to win because you know that you need that person in your life more than you need to be right.

And that’s what I did. I threw in the white flag. And I should have known it was the beginning of the end.

I don’t think we ever got over that fight because we both chose to ignore it and move on when we really should have talked about it. Ignoring things don’t make them go away. Eventually that little voice in the back of your head that’s nagging you will win. Every little thing this person does just starts to irritate the fuck out of you. “I bought new socks today.” OKAY? I DON’T CARE ABOUT YOUR SOCKS. “I’m so tired.” STOP TEXTING ME AND GO TO SLEEP. “I’m going to be late for work.” THAT SUCKS BUT IT DOESN’T CONCERN ME.

You start to wonder if you’re losing your shit because everything that didn’t bother you before feels like it’s eating away at your patience. You start pulling away because you feel suffocated. You feel like you’re going to explode if this person asks you how your day is one more fuckin’ time. They compliment you and you can’t think of a single nice thing to say back. You seriously rack your brain for a compliment to shoot back and the only thing you come up with is, ‘Uh I care about you’ and you know that deep down inside, you don’t mean it. Not even an ounce of you means it.

Let’s get a little sidetracked here and talk about how to properly compromise. I’m a firm believer in compromise. You want to meet up at 9 am? I want to meet up at 1. Let’s meet at 11 and I’ll buy you a cup of coffee. It’s THAT easy. You want to go away to your cabin and your slutty friend who makes it clear that she wants your penis in the back of her throat wants to come. Well, you go to your cabin and you make sure she knows that I WILL SMASH HER FUCKING HEAD INTO THE GROUND. You don’t let her get belligerently drunk and then let her sleep in your bed and think it’s okay because you told me about it. You want to go hang out with your boys? YOU SHOULD TELL ME YOU’RE CANCELING ON ME TO HANG OUT WITH YOUR BOYS BEFORE I ASK YOU WHAT THE FUCKING GAME PLAN IS. IT’S THAT EASY. LET ME KNOW, USE YOUR WORDS.

Moving on.

There comes a point where you weigh out the pros and cons of being with this person and the cons outweigh the pros. Is this when you let go or is this where you work even harder to make things work. I’ve gone back and forth with the idea of just bouncing of his life with no explanation because I felt like he didn’t deserve one. But I knew that if the tables were turned, I would be devastated. It’s hard to let go of someone you invest so much time and effort into. You feel like you just wasted the last couple of months just to have nothing to show for in the end. I looked at it this way for a few days and then I realized, that my life will go on re.gardless if you’re in it or not. Time will not stop because I feel a little lonely and I want some companionship. I was fine before you and I will be great without you.

I will admit that in the last few months, I lost a little bit of myself but I discovered a lot more. I realized that if I had to make excuses for someone, they weren’t worth it. I realized that if I had to sacrifice my happiness for someone, they weren’t worth it. I realized that if I had to question everything I believed in for someone, they weren’t worth it.

But most importantly, I finally realized that I will never need someone more than they need me.

#btw I thought we were on a break so I made out with someone really hot and the only thing I regret is not sleeping with him too.

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