life has been, well shitty for real. I spent almost a whole fucking month being sick, not able to even talk half the time bc of sore throat or stuffy nose, fucking hell. I had alot of time to think tho & i came to a realization that i really let myself down in a years time. Not like with where i should be, but with how much time & commitment i put into my loves. Music, Clothes, Pictures, LIFE. I lost myself into a place of complacency, & i hate it here. I’m trying to get out of it, & i’m trying to break this bubble of fear & anxiety of being seen/perceived which i need to do since i wanna be an artist. Stage fright used to be something i struggled with & i’m not sure where i stand now with it, i have days of feeling fearful to be myself & days where i don’t really care what i say out loud. I miss a lot of people, friends mostly. C, we don’t even talk anymore which sucks cuz we both love music & fashion & art. i’m not even sure where he’s at now. T, she’s moved far on & having a kid now, i’m happy for her but part of me wishes things had been different for us. No point in regretting it, just wish i knew what that was like. Mawmaw, rest in peace, it’s been 5 years & i still haven’t fully processed it. i didn’t cry when she passed & stil have barely cried thinking of her. Not that i don’t miss her badly just i can’t process it correctly. I ramble a lot here ig. I try to put my focus solely on music but i get so caught up in other things. I don’t enjoy the life i live currently & i know im stopping myself from being where i want by following the same cycle every day. I’m gonna be 22 this year, i have to stop myself from comparing to other ppl my age cuz they aren’t on my path. Nurses, cops, Parents, the whole works, they all are hard in their own regards but i feel like something as vulnerable & passionate as music takes more time. I wouldn’t wanna blow up overnight, that would feel weird. i hope it comes over time & isn’t forced. Genuine fans organic relationships. Fuck. idk. i think im dope, why am i afraid to let ppl hear me? idk. I wish Amyr wasn’t in the marines & we could really get VC started. i don’t mind doing stuff alone but we have so many ideas & want to form a dope collab. not jus music but art of all kind. or not art. whatever they bring.
I’m rambling about so many different things. I don’t think i know how to feel genuine love since T. I hate that for . She loves me so much & i loved her too till she did me dirty. Now i feel like i’ve been tryna figure out how i feel & what i want for months. i have plans thursday to hang out with Lillie, go thrifting, eat, & to the park maybe. hopefully , she wants to teach me to skate too. i always wanted to learn. Maybe i just need to get out more, i barely leave the house, i look like vitiligo took over me. Bored as fuck in these walls eveyeday for almost a year. it’s sad really. i need more friends. i’ve been saving it for a while that i need creative friends & i do. but i don’t put myself out there outta fear. it’s so dumb. It’s march 5. maybe today is the day that changes & i lose that fear , or begin too. i’m not afraid of rejection, or failure, or being bad at something. 8
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