So much has changed since the last time I posted. For one, we got married! We just celebrated our one-year anniversary in July.
We also moved to Florida from Texas to take part in the Disney College Program, and then my husband and I both ended up getting jobs, so here we stay. For now at least.
We decided to make a huge decision and we have now begun our TTC journey š it has taken a very long time to get to a point where we both feel comfortable with the idea of a pregnancy, and even then we would still like to be better prepared. But we figured that it probably wonāt happen right away, so we still have some time to save up more money and move to a bigger apartment.
Iām currently in my TWW and wonāt be testing until the weekend after next. I had that mental talk with myself and TOLD myself that I WASNāT going to symptom spot, but guess what? Itās hard not to š I know I just need to distract myself. I know that these symptoms donāt make sense in context with my timeline. I KNOW I just need to relax.
But Iām longing for a child, and Iām excited for the potential, and itās so HARD.
I got a yellow rose from a customer at work today.
She was most likely just being nice, but Iām a slut for color symbolism, and yellow can stand for joy, or the promise of a new beginning.
Recently, weāve gotten a little more relaxed with....well, sex in general. Not preventing at all, but not true trying. We went to Disneyland this month and I wanted to be able to ride things, lol.
But right before we went, we both applied for a certain internship. So if weāre both accepted, trying for baby will have to wait until the middle of next year. But if we donāt go...
Iām a tad conflicted. We may have the chance to experience this amazing internship (assuming we both get in), but the soonest weāll get to try is mid-2017. And if weāre not accepted, we can start trying as early as October.
Iāve been doing great these past few months, aside from the weird breakthrough bleeding when I ovulate.
September will be an especially difficult month for us, considering thatās when I would have been due to give birth to my Micah. Septemberās also when my fiance and I decided to actually start trying for a baby.
I am excited and so scared at the same time. And there are so many TTC resources out there that I have looked into in the past, and that I can look into now, that I just donāt know where to start.
If anybody has any advice when it comes to starting a TTC journey, I am all ears. We wonāt officially be trying until September, since weāre planning a little getaway to Disneyland next month and I wanna be able to ride things ^-^
What was anyoneās experience with pre seed/any other fertility lubricants? Any other TTC methods we should try out?
I have a question for anyone thatās experienced this before: (TMI warning)
So I started spotting about two days ago, and it was VERY light brown at first. It got heavier by the end of the night and even turned bright red when I wiped, but the next day it was brown, but there was still quite a lot when I wiped, just never enough to fill a pad. And it was even stringy/mucus-y at times.
This would all be good and well if I was starting my next cycle, but itās only CD 20. I have NEVER spotted between cycles until I got pregnant in January, thatās /kind of/ when I started suspecting I was pregnant. Obviously, this is way too much of a bleed to be anything indicating pregnancy. I donāt even feel pregnant, idk. So, I know spotting is normal during ovulation, which I think is happening at the moment. But has anyone had a touch more than spotting between cycles like this? I know my doctor told me irregular bleeding between cycles wasnāt a good thing..
Thought Iād drop in to document the start of an actual period. I donāt think Iāve ever been so relieved to start bleeding. Especially after bleeding for an entire month straight. Phew.
The last time I went to get blood drawn, my levels were at 6. Iāll be going in this week to make sure theyāre at 0 now.
As for my emotions/mentality, Iām doing pretty well. Iām finding that itās pretty hard to fall asleep in those early Friday morning hours. The only reason for this is because Fridays were my weekly milestones.Ā I would have been X weeks todayĀ is a constant thought that dances around in my head while I cry. Iām coping though. I think Iāve found a good balance because other than that, Iām okay.
Weāre also planning to head home for spring breakā¦ā¦..and weāll be telling his parents about everything. Which means that they didnāt even know I was pregnant. We just never got a chance to talk about it. So weāll be telling his mom in person (hi, waterproof mascara) and we have to tell his dad over the phone because heāll be out of state. And once we tell them and they tell his grandparents and stuff, Iām finally going to make a social media announcement. I have never felt that this is something I wanted to hide. Iād rather I were still pregnant, but Iām not and I donāt want to pretend my baby never happened.
But anyway, I hope you guys have been doing great :) Iāll post again soon.
Im glad youāre back and feeling ok :) please keep updating. I posted on social media as well and it was quite relieving for support as people had no idea. I also belive early pregnancy loss should be spoken about and not hidden. While its a lonely journey its comforting to find others who have endured the same.
Thought Iād drop in to document the start of an actual period. I donāt think Iāve ever been so relieved to start bleeding. Especially after bleeding for an entire month straight. Phew.
The last time I went to get blood drawn, my levels were at 6. Iāll be going in this week to make sure theyāre at 0 now.
As for my emotions/mentality, Iām doing pretty well. Iām finding that itās pretty hard to fall asleep in those early Friday morning hours. The only reason for this is because Fridays were my weekly milestones.Ā I would have been X weeks todayĀ is a constant thought that dances around in my head while I cry. Iām coping though. I think Iāve found a good balance because other than that, Iām okay.
Weāre also planning to head home for spring break........and weāll be telling his parents about everything. Which means that they didnāt even know I was pregnant. We just never got a chance to talk about it. So weāll be telling his mom in person (hi, waterproof mascara) and we have to tell his dad over the phone because heāll be out of state. And once we tell them and they tell his grandparents and stuff, Iām finally going to make a social media announcement. I have never felt that this is something I wanted to hide. Iād rather I were still pregnant, but Iām not and I donāt want to pretend my baby never happened.
But anyway, I hope you guys have been doing great :) Iāll post again soon.
I went back to the ER last night with cramps and pressure more severe than they were on my first trip on Sunday night. I wanted to be absolutely certain that I didn't have a ruptured tube and internal bleeding. I was in way too much pain to let it go. So they drew more blood, hooked me up to an IV, pumped some awesome painkillers into my system---seriously, that stuff took EVERYTHING away---and gave me another ultrasound to check everything out.
An hour passed after my ultrasound and they moved me to a hospital room for me to stay overnight. The nurse let me know that I should be prepared for surgery, but we wouldn't know for sure until my doctor talked to me in the morning. When he did finally talk to me, he said there was no blood in my pelvis (thank God) and that the pain was likely being caused because the embryo had grown a bit between Sunday and Tuesday night. I was discharged earlier this afternoon since my pain is virtually gone now and I seemed stable to them. If I feel pain again, I have meds to take.
Though I never got to see you in my womb, and I will never feel your kicks, or bring you into the world, or hold you in my arms, or kiss your sweet little face, daddy and I will never forget about you. I know that someday, somehow, we will meet again. We will always love you.
I'm on my way to pick up methotrexate for my doctor to inject me with. I went back to the doctor's this morning for another blood draw and another ultrasound. The pain came back last night and has just been sitting on my right side since then, and then all day today. My intense cramps even came back about an hour ago. My levels did in fact go down and they are now sure it's an ectopic pregnancy. I want to thank all of you for being so supportive. I don't know any of you personally, and you don't know me, but I am thankful to have people to talk to that know what I am going through. Although I will no longer be pregnant and I will not be seeking pregnancy for quite some time after this, I will still be around checking up on each of your journeys. Here goes nothing.
Iām still sort of in the dark in all this, but Iāll update with what little I know.
Last night, my fiance took me to the ER due to the most painful cramps I have ever had. They seemed to be holding my entire uterus in a vice for several minutes, letting go, and then tightening again. They reminded me of the cramps I had while on Provera, sans the thigh- and backaches.
Upon admittance, they drew blood, took a urine sample, and gave me an ultrasound. The tech spent a lot of time taking a whole lot of pictures, which I took to be a good sign. My fiance and I passed the time by watching funny videos. And then the doctor finally came in and told me he had scary news.
As soon as he said that it looks like it might be an ectopic pregnancy, I closed my eyes to fight the tears back, my lips tightened, I choked my breath down, I couldnāt breathe anymore. He said he was sorry and that there was nothing wrong with me that could have caused it, which I already knew but didnāt make me feel any better. He went on to let me know that they were trying to get a hold of my doctor to ask him what they should do, so I waited even longer.
As soon as he left, I instantly collapsed into a puddle of tears. I had a feeling it would end this way but why? Why me? Why does everyone else get to have normal pregnancies but not me? Why does everyone else get to have beautiful babies, but not me? Why do horrible, nasty people that do terrible things to children get to have them, but not me? Then I cried even harder when I realized that Iād never get to hold this baby, or kiss them, or watch them grow to be a fantastic human being.
When I was discharged, they let me know to go to my doctor the following morning for another ultrasound so he could get a better look at whatever it was they found.
So this morning, I did so and he dove right into the ultrasound. He found my paratubal cyst (again), a cyst in my right ovary (again), and then maybeĀ something else just outside my right ovary. He still didnāt see anything in my uterus and even noted that my lining was stillĀ quite thin, and I thought,Ā Still??Ā He zoomed in on that littleĀ āworry spotā on my right side and basically told meĀ āIt could be ectopic, but maybe not and maybe youāll have a normal pregnancy.ā So NOW, Iām just confused. The only thing we can do is wait and see. Iām going in for another blood draw Wednesday to compare to last nightās levels. He left me with,Ā āIf they go up well, everything shouldĀ be okay. If they donāt go up like we want them to, then we will definitely keep an eye on that area.ā
All I know is that I have been an absolute emotional wreck since about 7 last night. All I wanted was to be able to hold my beautiful, healthy baby in September, and any hope of doing that has been shattered. I am grateful that I have been blessed with even a chance of being pregnant. I wish my paranoia and anxiety would just go away so I can just let it all happen. But I canāt. All my worst fears have the potential of coming true and thereās nothing I can do to stop them from happening. I am terrified of everything. I have a microscopic glimmer of something resembling āhopeā, but everything I have experienced leading up to last night has me doubting everything.
Forgive my negative attitude. There are many of you in this community that have been suffering for years and years, and I cannot imagine the pain you have been through. But me? You must understand that this is absolutely the hardest thing I have ever been through. This is the lowest I have ever felt.
I will continue to update as I know more. Thank you for keeping me in your thoughts, I really do appreciate it.
Heading to the ER. I started cramping pretty badly this afternoon and it's only gotten a lot worse. I can't even stand upright anymore. It hurts to walk. Will update. Keep me in your prayers.
Yes they mean gestational age. Whatās important is...
I suck at replying >.> I didnāt ask about the numbers for the sake of worrying less, but my doctor thinks it looks good. He was worried Iād miscarried at first, but weāll have to wait and see as time goes on.
I had my second blood draw yesterday, and when I called for the results, the nurse said my levels did go up, but didn't EXACTLY double, so she'd have the doctor take a look at them and call me in the morning. So he did call and he said that he's not concerned at all, and that since they did go up, it's a good sign. Just to be absolutely sure, I'm going in for another ultrasound on Monday, so maybe we can finally see if baby's where it's supposed to be or not. I'm confident that things will be okay!
I canāt take all this waiting anymore. They said my numbers put me at only 2-3 weeks. Maybe they meant like JUST gestational time? There is no way I am only that far along. I donāt know what to think anymore. Iāll just have to wait AGAIN until they draw my blood on Wednesday. Iām sick of crying so much but thereās not much else for me to think about.
I told them about my concerns with the spotting and they were not worried about it at all. This put my mind at ease until the ultrasound.
The doctor came in and did a transvaginal ultrasound, and he couldnāt find anything except for the cyst thatās already in my tube. I had blood drawn, and now those results all Iām clinging onto. Iām so distraught, but I know that I could just be too early, but itās really difficult to maintain my composure and not lose my collective shit.
