zoe

Just posting my thoughts out

[maybeimtrashh]

Brain

Bruised knuckles left behind as a reminder of who I am. Never known anything more than that, and honestly, I don’t really want to. There’s something so enslaving about someone’s own head, this weird Stockholm syndrome between me and my brain.

[maybeimtrashh]

Dear therapist…

Is it worth to even talk about it???

Every time I do, I’m just waiting for you to say what I want to hear

I’m just waiting for that reassurance

Instead you end up making me go back to square one

“Everything’s okay” you say

“She’s sick, you’re not”

Will it ever be enough??

Will I ever be taken seriously???

The worst part is that I’m supposed to talk with you

You’re the only one I can talk about how I feel

How am I supposed to tell you about this???

Maybe it’s my fault cause I’m not fully honest

Maybe if I actually were, you would finally understand

What do I have to do for everyone to finally see me???

[maybeimtrashh]

I wish my heart could race while your head rests in my lap

The butterflies inside, and the things you left at my house

I wish you’d look at me like you once did

Touch me and make me feel something

I want everything, don’t care if it’s the pain

Just distract me from my own self

[maybeimtrashh]

Putting a daily reminder not to go back to you

“Don’t give in” I keep telling myself

You make me so weak

And I keep wanting your indifference

Cause it’s more than what I have by myself

[maybeimtrashh]

I keep praying to god to take me away

Cause I’m way to scared to do it on my own

To fall dead is all I ever wanted

But I’m too much of a coward for my own good

[maybeimtrashh]

How long do I have to hold my breath to die???

[maybeimtrashh]

Why is it that ex rhymes with sex?

[maybeimtrashh]

I don’t know who I am anymore

The way I feel doesn’t match with your words

All I’m good at is hurting you

Why am I this way??

Am I really that evil??

You’ve never trusted me

And I’ve never give you a reason to

I’m not the perfect daughter

I know

I’ve given you plenty of reasons to hate me

But I was just a kid

One I can’t even remember

And I was still making you feel miserable

I never meant to hurt you

But I somehow always end up doing it

It doesn’t matter what I feel

It doesn’t matter what you do

Cause I love you more than anything and I still trust you

But you’re still looking at me like a parasite

I’m still the worst thing that’s ever happened to you

You don’t need me like you need anyone else

You can still throw me away

[maybeimtrashh]

Please tell me everything’s real

That I have a valid reason to feel this way

Why am I getting punished?

What did I do to deserve all of this?

Please tell me I’m not overreacting

Is this the price I have to pay for being so greedy?

Why am I so ungrateful?

God, what did I do?

[maybeimtrashh]

It’s so dumb how I don’t feel deserving of my own pain… who am I to be in pain… don’t I have enough to be happy??? Guilt is eating me inside out… why can’t I just be happy???

[maybeimtrashh]

Letter to god

Isn’t it funny how I’m hiding from you while being outside your room?? Of course I don’t want you to know, I’m nothing if not sick and you finding out would just stop all of this… I’m not ready, not yet, and if I’m being honest I don’t want to be ready, ever… hate feeling like this, I do, but it’s still me, I don’t know any other way to live… doing all of this makes it all real, so while you keep saying everything’s okay, at least I know it’s not, if I got better it wouldn’t feel real, it happened once… I was still going through a lot, but I looked fine, just like any other teenager, just wanting attention, cause that’s all they want, and sure, I wanted, or needed attention, I still do, it’s just that I now understand that meanwhile parents diminish their kids needs by saying they just want attention, wanting it is just a way to express that something is missing… so yes, I still need attention, and you’ve only ever given it to me when I hurt myself, when I bleed in front of you, or when my bones start showing. I was not okay but everyone just ignored it, I’m still not okay but at least you noticed when I got skinnier, and I’m so scared to gain all of the weight back, I’m so scared of you and everyone ignoring me once again.

[maybeimtrashh]

And for the first time in so long, people noticed me And my brain got clouded by fear I was scared of going back Of not being taken seriously I love the worry in your eyes I love being all you can think of I don’t care if it’s to congratulate me Or just another concerned look I just want to be on your mind

[maybeimtrashh]

So scared you'll be gone Don't want to die alone Give me a reason to hold on Please don't say we're done

[maybeimtrashh]

I thought I had changed, but here I am, looking for inspiration inside an empty bottle once again

So lost, I didn’t know what to do with life.

I’m not an addict

if I were I would’ve been doomed a long time ago.

I once thought I’d found the meaning of life

Speeches full of enlightenment.

My mom always says my biggest sin is the pride I carry

I guess she’s right

I live thinking my brain is bigger than my body

Naturally talented, born with everything I needed

but I still feel empty

I guess it’s never enough

I have everything I could ask for

But I still have to hurt myself to fell something

I still need to fill that hole inside of me

I still need some confirmation that I’m alive

I still need to feel like everything’s real

[maybeimtrashh]

I often feel like I'm living inside a story. I don’t know what’s real anymore. It’s funny how I feel alive when I’m not fully here. I don’t have a home. I’m just occupying space. I’m just a burden.

[maybeimtrashh]

Inside a room of a house that isn’t a home

You’re taking up space and breathing a little bit too much

No effort is ever going to be enough

No words are ever going to change their mind

Overthinking is all you ever do

Yet somehow they still say you don’t care at all

Paranoid thoughts inside your brain

You’re too small to be carrying all the pressure on your body

Attention seeker is your name

Soundless screams come out of your mouth

Doing everything cause you don’t want to talk

So afraid, wishing you could stop time

[maybeimtrashh]

Fear is eating me alive

When I think about life

I wish I could just run away

And hide from everyone

I guess I’m not fit for this world

Afraid I might break at any time

I just want to lay down

Turn off my thoughts

And be quiet for a while

I can’t help but feel lost

But no one’s here to find me

Reaching out for an exit

The end of the labyrinth