Everything was so smooth yesterday. I felt comfortable and relaxed and my appetite was back. Right now, I feel his absence in the background, a little bit sadness hovering near my shoulders. I saw a recent social media post he had liked at 2 am last night. Something about being so happy because you found someone with XYZ qualities. The description sounded exactly like me. I felt an instant whooshing sinking feeling in my chest, like someone had pulled my ribcage down. I couldn’t sleep after that. He chose someone when he wanted to. I kept ruminating for over 2 hours or more- overanalyzing, trying to comfort myself, be okay with whatever happened, sitting with the grief and regret and guilt (of ruining things for myself) the terrible feelings of unworthiness but my mind would not rest at all. I kept picturing an imaginary beautiful girl and him being together and loving each other and doing the best by each other. God. All the things and fun activities I wanted to do with him. Why didn’t he choose me. I tried to connect as best as I could- why wouldn’t he reciprocate or initiate messages. We had so much in common, we could have become really good friends.
I will explore this in therapy but God, I don’t think I am ready to let him go yet even when he didn’t choose me. His fantasy soothes me enough. I think of closure conversations. Last night, I let myself really feel the loss to assess how it would feel when I have cut him off completely. He is gone, I told myself repeatedly. He is not coming back. Don’t hold on to the hope that he will come around- he seems way too emotionally stable for that (which is me storytelling again, I don’t know him that well). The void when he is totally gone from my social media life too and I no longer have access to anything he posts... it hurt. It’s almost been one year since I first messaged him and 6 months when I messaged him last. I don't know why I remain so hopeful about things and struggle to let go. I have always kept myself open to life's possibilities and maybe it is stupid but I keep thinking of this situation in these terms too. It is not like I seek his posts- I have him muted everywhere.
Fantasizing also keeps the loneliness and boredom away. Sure, he has a public account but I know how much pain I will be in if I keep stalking him so I think I won’t go there at all. My younger self doesn’t deserve it. It is terrible to grieve and let go of fantasy bonds. More so than real people because everything is perfect in fantasy. Working on my self-worth is going to take a long time, lol.
Just two hours ago, I was fantasizing about being friends with him. Talking to him about art and books and our shared interests. Grieving again and again, the person I wish he was instead of the person he actually was/is. I will set more social media boundaries though till I feel somehow emotionally ready to delete him for good. Maybe this is how I will cut down on useless doom scrolling lol- I don’t want to make a painful thing more painful by accidentally stumbling on his reels and posts that he is soooo in love and sooo happy while I am here, yearning and longing and rotting (intermittently) for him.
My younger self deserves so much better. From me and relationships in general. I know he will be with me for a while now but I am also hopeful about myself and how I always manage to transform pain into something meaningful.
All feeing is temporary. This too shall pass.
yousharknotpass
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annaxmalina
