𝕸𝖞𝖘𝖙𝖊𝖗𝖎𝖔𝖚𝖘 𝕶𝖎𝖉

I used to be in love with the idea of forever. Then i learned what forever felt ike. Here documents my journey back to the temperary side of life.

[mbur]

.·:*¨¨* ≈☆≈ 𝓐𝓑𝓞𝓤𝓣 𝓜𝓔! ≈☆≈ *¨¨*:·.

𝓽𝓱𝓲𝓼 𝓲𝓼 𝓹𝓸𝓼𝓽 𝓪𝓵𝓵 𝓪𝓫𝓸𝓾𝓽 𝓔𝓶𝓫𝓮𝓻.

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.

Hello, my name is Ember. don't be fooled by the cutesy shit, I am crazy. I just like cute things what can I say. I'm a mentally troubled teenage girl in a boring city that pretends to be something its not. my life's goal is to find a way out of this suburban hell and go to makeup school. I've always loved doing peoples makeup, the temporary but impactful feeling of creating a makeup look.

I struggle with depression and social anxiety, but who doesn't. I'm trying my best to be a good person and prove myself worthy of the life I desire.

I have a cat named Elvis Noodles Kitty, I know its a shit name but my family insisted on it for some reason. originally I just wanted to name him noodles but now he just goes by kitty. hes basically my son, although he kind of hates me. seems like a running theme in my life, you love something and it hates you for it. its ok though, my love is my choice, I choose who I believe is worthy and who isn't. this is only a recent practice ill admit, but from everything I've been through I've learned its necessary to be picky sometimes.

I love fashion and obviously make up but I'm not sure how to describe my style. its honestly just my own but leaning more on the edgy street wear side I guess? my favorite color is black so majority of my clothes are black. I love Jewelry especially so I wear a lot of it with every outfit, I have a lot of both silver and gold but I would have to say I prefer gold, it compliments my skin better. I have green eyes so to go with that I usually put in blue or brown sort of eyeshadow look, which is one of my favorite parts of a whole look.

there actually a lot more I could say about myself but ill save that for future writings for you to explore if you really wanted to know more. my mind works a mile a minute, its sad ill never be able to write every thought that comes to my mind but I definitely try.

I might update this post later if anything else seems important. goodbye :)

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.

I Like..

Minecraft

Sims 4

Sims 2

Stardew valley

Everskies

Roblox

Stickers

Hellokitty

Sanrio

Make up

Sushi

Candles

Drawing

Painting

Decorating

Cleaning

COLD BEVERAGES

Tacobell

Cats :3

Rainbows

Rhinestones

Black

Gold jewelry

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.

[mbur]

2 projects for school i finished recently

The one on the left is a TokiDoki artist mastery and the right is a self portrait of little me

[mbur]

The frustration in my body piles up quietly

I relive the pressure through comments and jokes

But a beast has been slowly eating it all up inside me

Growing bigger and stronger

Waiting for the day it can break free

The anger, the sadness, the nothing

It eats it all

But its hunger is never satiated

The beast is unsettled

By the amount thats being forced down its throat

Even still, it eats it all

What will happen when the beast cant stomach another bite?

What will happen when it grows too large for my body to contain it?

What will happen to me?

The beast is angry at me

For never sharing the burden

It wants to show me what ive created

What ive been slowly feeding

The end of my scilence is near

Because lately, I get a feeling

Something takes over me and the words and emotions spill out

New, old, and forgotten

As the beast claws its way to the surface

What will happen when the beast is no longer there to take away the pain?

[mbur]

Hello

Its been a while

Ive learned alot of things

I gained alot of hope

But i also realized

What has really been going on

What ive really been living in

What ive really been tolerating all my life

Im tired of it

Sick to my fucking stomach of it

But i cant do anything

I just have to wait

And play along

And be a pawn

Because they said thats what will make them happy

For me to stop showing them who I really am

And go back to playing pretend

Because thats more comfortable for them

Its not my fault

I am not wrong

I am not stupid

I see diffrent

I know diffrent

And youll never convince me other wise

Ive completed 17 years

17 years of consciousness

17 years of knowing to much for my own good

17 years of telling you what you want to hear

Not because I love you

Not because I want you to be happy

Because i want to be left alone

[mbur]

when the words are balled up in my throat

and my head pounds trying to hold back sobs

to hear that crack and waver in my voice

it makes me feel weak

to hear that crack in my facade

ive created this persona for a reason

to hide away a truth i pretend is only the past

I feel the walls closing in

day by day

the room shrinks around me

everyone tells me im the one thats growing larger

so ill let them belive whatever they want

either way I want to leave

I will always be misunderstood

intentionally or not

so for now ill pretend we have common interest

and play along to a plan you orchestrate so sloppily

ill just sit here with my face plastered on with cement

but I am not a statue

I can still see you

I can still hear you

it is a curse to be nothing like you

[mbur]

Sketch book dump :>

[mbur]

I am ready at any moment

To leave my body behind and just with my soul

Ill fly to the stars i admire so far away

And look at all the bueaty ive been missing

That ive yearned for

And it was here

So close but so far from what ive always know

That even someone like me couldn't conceptualize

The absolute magnificence

Of the true meaning of my existence

[mbur]

Let me make this clear

Despite what you may think

I am the one thats been taking care of me

No therapist has ever got me through my depression

YOU have never got me through my depression

I did that

I was the one that talked me down from the edge

And away from the pills

And farther from the blade

I was the one that had to do that

Everyday and every night

Alone

All in my head

All my life

Ive been too smart for my own good

And ive suffered for an eternity

The passage of time

Is sharp and shiny pressed against my throat

Slowly cutting deeper

Second by second

I was the one that woke up today

And remembered who I was

I swear one day ill have the strength and opportunity to pry your fingers off me

And run until my lungs collapse

Just like ive been practicing all my life

Waiting all along for the moment I really could

Run to the wilderness

Forget i am human

Forget about so much pain

Forget about so much stress

The weight a conscience holds

Becomes so heavy when you over use it

My head hurts often

One day i suppose i had a disassociative thought

And never came back

Like ive broken the fourth wall and no one understands why

Why i know

Its pointless

[mbur]

I think i create problems for myself

In my social life

Probably to distract from my true problems

The ones that creep into my dreams at night

And leave me messages

The kind i always forget to reply to

Running becomes scary when you forget why you started

Being alone is lonely when you cant remember where everyone went

[mbur]

!!♡

[mbur]

I tried shrooms yesterday in LA

I want to live there after highschool

And its weird but ive been getting signs that I should tey shrooms for a while

Now I want to learn how to astral project

So I can travel the world at night

And answer my own questions

[mbur]

You know what?

Im done caring

And I mean it this time

I am my only problem now!

Soon I will be free

Ive made it this far

I never even thought id live half the life I have

That's proof enough

And im sorry but I cant be sympathetic

But you know I still understand

Im choosing to be done with it

The worries and the wants

Im not so worried about every little thing

When I realize now that they are so little

And that im going to be ok

If and when im met with a frown

I know ill be ok

[mbur]

I always turn out to be right,

Once I stopped they hated me for it

Oh well

I'll figure out what to do

[mbur]

DTS and my school painting 😷

[mbur]

So I realized that ive been having a manic episode..

I think I'm getting better though

And weirdly... I'm forming a crush on a boy of all things

One I SWORE I didnt like

But fuck you cant deny feelings

Especially mine because when I fall I fall HARD

[mbur]

You make me sick when you act like this

I'm going to start from the beginning

So maybe youll at least try and see things through my eyes

Ive tried so hard to empathize with you

But all ive ever gotten in return is pittiful sympathy

I let you into a part of my life I purposely hide from others

I tried so hard

My very best

But no matter how much I try its never good enough

I'll tear peices of myself to give to you

In hopes that

Now that you own me

You'd understand me

It never works like that

I learned that the hard way

And now when I look at your face, I feel sick

Youre so fragile the truth will shatter you

You are happy in your cage

You only ran because I rattled it

Not to be disturbed

I understand

I wish I still had the bliss of ignorance

Because maybe I could still love you if I did

I am forced to forget, to protect you

You want to close the book

When all I suggested was turning the page

Again I am left empty

How much of a friend am I really?

All those times you praised me for being by your side

But when were you ever there for me?

[merangelic]

[mbur]

I redid my wall!

This photo really does not do it justice though

Once I'm finished with my whole room, I'll make an indepth room tour and post it on youtube

I'm working on it bit by bit, I wish I could stay up and work on it more but I really should go to sleep now

Goodnight, internet