𝕸𝖞𝖘𝖙𝖊𝖗𝖎𝖔𝖚𝖘 𝕶𝖎𝖉

I used to be in love with the idea of forever. Then i learned what forever felt ike. Here documents my journey back to the temperary side of life.

[mbur]

I am me

Unfortunately

Forever

But what will that mean

For the empty pit inside me?

Can I fix it?

Can I be a good person?

Thats nice to other people?

Can i be a happy person?

That wants to see everyone happy?

Can i escape the dark nothing consuming me bit by bit?

Can i run?

Is there somewhere to hide?

Is there a reason why?

An answer to my problem?

Where do I start, if no one can help me?

Where can I start when im afraid of speaking?

Afraid to listen, afraid to be touched

What happens if I sink outside reality

Because my fear has paralyzed me?

What am I supposed to do?

How do i help me?

Whats broken?

Where do i fix me?

How can I fix it?

I have no answer. I have no bandages for my pain.

I have no reason to hurt or hate. I have no excuse or proof.

All i have is the result, of some equation I was unaware of. And now, I have to solve this.

I cant breathe right. My chest is heavy and my lungs are tight. My head pounds and I sink into my seat, trying to melt away from the danger I still havent identified.

This thing i seem to have been hiding from all my life. I know im hiding, and i have confidence it wont find me. But none the less, there's something im running from, and I dont want it to catch me.

So please help me, tell me what to do.

Tell me where i can be safe from the dark.

Maybe if I only knew the face which i had been evading all this time,

I could just understand why.

[mbur]

I never feel sober

Even when I really am, I feel wrong.

I dont feel real

Like my conscience is only half connected to my body

My face feels heavy and I feel a permanent sadness casted over me

So whatever, fuck it all

Ill let it all ruin me

I dont know how much i can care anymore about helping myself

I just want to get high until I die

Adderall, noz, duster, benadryl, and meth

3 big bottles of Tylenol

A shot of vodka to wash it down

And ill fade peacefully in pain

I wont be scared

Ill be relieved

Of all the terrible thoughts

And crazy things my brain makes up

Theres something so wrong with me

It isnt just the depression or anxiety

Or even the adhd or ocd

Theres something so wrong

With the way i was created

I want to be ignorant

And good and being normal

So that i could over dose in peace and fucking quiet

[mbur]

New Bangle and bracelet stack

[mbur]

Me phone theme 🦄🦋

[jay-rayart]

In honor of Pride month I want to share this comic I made about growing up queer. We live in a world that tries to cut us down, I am so glad I stayed around long enough to write stories about finding the light. If your looking for more Black, Queer, and Magical storytelling consider backing FLY on kickstarter

FLY : A Magical Black Boy Series - Pilot

A coming of age story about Black kids who finally have power to fight back against systems designed against them.

[mbur]

Junkyard Dog

My mother triggered me in an innocent way

I was asking about some toy I used to have when I was younger, I wanted to put it in my collection

She started to go on and on about how much i loved to play with this and how I had so many of that, and how happy and crazy and creative I was

I wanted her to stop talking, the more she went on the more defensive I felt

Part of me resents the child i used to be

I really did love my toys

But one day, something changed, I decided it never wanted to play with them again

Its time to grow up I thought, ill get a job and work day and night, help pay the bills

Its time to grow up and be big and strong and independent

Pack it all up, tuck it way, dont think about it.

And it bothered me, to be treated like a child, i needed to grow up, right now and forever

I had a clear goal, it seemed like a step in the right direction. But I was too young to grow up, and the world faught against my plans to evade my childhood

It was this disappointment, this confusion, that marked the death of my innocence.

Again I switched, back to the colorful and safe part of my life, the little collectables, the cutesy things and girly clothes

Maybe I wanted to back track, to see what it is that I missed along the way

Or maybe I desperately wanted that lost innocence back

But that was too soft to show the others

After all, how could I survive as a child? I needed to be the anti hero, the guy that slaughters the bad guy and likes it

Both innocent and evil should fear me, everyone needs to know they shouldn't hurt me, I need to be scary, I need to be respected

And all of these things, they point directly at the sign with the flashing lights and big letters

You know its just a girl who's the victim of some tragic childhood event

But i get it now

Im a junkyard dog

Most dogs, eat from a bowl and take naps on the couch, domesticated and docile.

Junkyard dogs lay out in the rain, vicious and territorial, terrified of their own anger

Junkyard dogs will always be angry

Junkyard dogs will always be hungry

[mbur]

2 projects for school i finished recently

The one on the left is a TokiDoki artist mastery and the right is a self portrait of little me

[mbur]

The frustration in my body piles up quietly

I relive the pressure through comments and jokes

But a beast has been slowly eating it all up inside me

Growing bigger and stronger

Waiting for the day it can break free

The anger, the sadness, the nothing

It eats it all

But its hunger is never satiated

The beast is unsettled

By the amount thats being forced down its throat

Even still, it eats it all

What will happen when the beast cant stomach another bite?

What will happen when it grows too large for my body to contain it?

What will happen to me?

The beast is angry at me

For never sharing the burden

It wants to show me what ive created

What ive been slowly feeding

The end of my scilence is near

Because lately, I get a feeling

Something takes over me and the words and emotions spill out

New, old, and forgotten

As the beast claws its way to the surface

What will happen when the beast is no longer there to take away the pain?

[mbur]

Hello

Its been a while

Ive learned alot of things

I gained alot of hope

But i also realized

What has really been going on

What ive really been living in

What ive really been tolerating all my life

Im tired of it

Sick to my fucking stomach of it

But i cant do anything

I just have to wait

And play along

And be a pawn

Because they said thats what will make them happy

For me to stop showing them who I really am

And go back to playing pretend

Because thats more comfortable for them

Its not my fault

I am not wrong

I am not stupid

I see diffrent

I know diffrent

And youll never convince me other wise

Ive completed 17 years

17 years of consciousness

17 years of knowing to much for my own good

17 years of telling you what you want to hear

Not because I love you

Not because I want you to be happy

Because i want to be left alone

[mbur]

when the words are balled up in my throat

and my head pounds trying to hold back sobs

to hear that crack and waver in my voice

it makes me feel weak

to hear that crack in my facade

ive created this persona for a reason

to hide away a truth i pretend is only the past

I feel the walls closing in

day by day

the room shrinks around me

everyone tells me im the one thats growing larger

so ill let them belive whatever they want

either way I want to leave

I will always be misunderstood

intentionally or not

so for now ill pretend we have common interest

and play along to a plan you orchestrate so sloppily

ill just sit here with my face plastered on with cement

but I am not a statue

I can still see you

I can still hear you

it is a curse to be nothing like you

[mbur]

Sketch book dump :>

[mbur]

I am ready at any moment

To leave my body behind and just with my soul

Ill fly to the stars i admire so far away

And look at all the bueaty ive been missing

That ive yearned for

And it was here

So close but so far from what ive always know

That even someone like me couldn't conceptualize

The absolute magnificence

Of the true meaning of my existence

[mbur]

Let me make this clear

Despite what you may think

I am the one thats been taking care of me

No therapist has ever got me through my depression

YOU have never got me through my depression

I did that

I was the one that talked me down from the edge

And away from the pills

And farther from the blade

I was the one that had to do that

Everyday and every night

Alone

All in my head

All my life

Ive been too smart for my own good

And ive suffered for an eternity

The passage of time

Is sharp and shiny pressed against my throat

Slowly cutting deeper

Second by second

I was the one that woke up today

And remembered who I was

I swear one day ill have the strength and opportunity to pry your fingers off me

And run until my lungs collapse

Just like ive been practicing all my life

Waiting all along for the moment I really could

Run to the wilderness

Forget i am human

Forget about so much pain

Forget about so much stress

The weight a conscience holds

Becomes so heavy when you over use it

My head hurts often

One day i suppose i had a disassociative thought

And never came back

Like ive broken the fourth wall and no one understands why

Why i know

Its pointless

[mbur]

I think i create problems for myself

In my social life

Probably to distract from my true problems

The ones that creep into my dreams at night

And leave me messages

The kind i always forget to reply to

Running becomes scary when you forget why you started

Being alone is lonely when you cant remember where everyone went

[mbur]

!!♡

[mbur]

I tried shrooms yesterday in LA

I want to live there after highschool

And its weird but ive been getting signs that I should tey shrooms for a while

Now I want to learn how to astral project

So I can travel the world at night

And answer my own questions

[mbur]

You know what?

Im done caring

And I mean it this time

I am my only problem now!

Soon I will be free

Ive made it this far

I never even thought id live half the life I have

That's proof enough

And im sorry but I cant be sympathetic

But you know I still understand

Im choosing to be done with it

The worries and the wants

Im not so worried about every little thing

When I realize now that they are so little

And that im going to be ok

If and when im met with a frown

I know ill be ok

[mbur]

I always turn out to be right,

Once I stopped they hated me for it

Oh well

I'll figure out what to do