back to wanting to kill myself

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back to wanting to kill myself
when he finally came into some money he began taking two dollar bills tight
i don’t know why but we were in a hotel room. it felt like the world where megaman lived but there was no megaman. this is a later part of the dream where my friend sort of ragged along but wasn’t supposed to be at the hotel because this other guy who had the room didn’t want to be bothered. i wish i remembered any of the context
dreamtime playland
here are new housing developments in the strange version of my dream town of methuen and salem. there is one house i find myself in, with my brother, but it’s not my house? its night time. this house is pretty bare. not particularly homely. it’s a tall mcmansion type thing, though mansion isn’t right. a simple facade, vinyl tiling painted a dull blue. no character. there is a jazz/soul/blue band practicing in the living room. a story and plot of sort is making its way into the details but i’m not sure i quite remember. only that there was a ghostly, phantasmic essence to it, then we found ourselves outside, looking for either drugs or ghosts.
me and mark found a show on netflix. it was a new season and we had watched a few episodes of before. the episodes i had watched before were about a group of sort of aimless teenagers that that started working at a K-mart that was relatively new. one of the people was this handsome edgy trash dreamy guy who ill call Deames. the first few episode were only five minutes long and were originally youtube shorts.
weirdly, the show is also part of my life. earlier that day at the K-mart, me and mark weng. mostly to use the bathroom. we were on rt. 28, which is a big route in salem nh with chain restaurants and retails. now they decided to create a new skyline of giant sky scrapers of cartoon characters that lined the road. these were hundreds of feet tall and made and were colorful and new. a few characters used were Flinstones character, especially Fred and that purple dinosaur. Rugrats. Ten and Stimpy. Care Bears. giant statues lining the street, that followed an old train rail that is no longer in use that later became a rail trail.
the show now finds us in the auto garage part of the K-mart, where we find the edgy heart throb who was in the earlier episodes had gotten less attractive, greasier. imagine syd barrett in his early pink floyd days versus his reclusive years. he was weird a green tank top and had tattoos and was now bald, no longer sporting the black oily locks that defined his style in the earlier episodes. but he still seemed in similar young aimless, edgy spirits, only a little sadder.
we find now that a group of people have begun developing a diy community that would have wrestling matches in the large auto repair shop at night and later host shows. in this episode there was a round table show, where bands set up on different spots and one plays a song, then we move to the next band, and they each play one song: they opened with a 90s hit like gin blossoms or something, then a punk band.
the place seemed like a mixture of a home and the garage of the K-mart, probably morphing as my dream went on. but soon we found ourselves in a parking lot at night, lit by the moon, and we walked into the middle of a small grove of pine trees where we smoked weed.
after the episode finished i looked at mark and said “damn that show was fucking sick.” we decided to watch another episode:
was there more? probably. it connected in a magnificent way. the show continued and had characters that were well rounded. its style was probably a cross of teen comedy and teen drama, mixed with surrealistic and edgy experimental like harmony korine, larry clark with a hint of lynch (rip). and then a splash of something yet unseen, but maybe youtube style lost and obscure footage.
weird dream
i dreamt that for some reason, scott got ne this gig to play in a small cabin at a lake of some sort of wilderness them park. the cabin was tiny and we drove there in this old red car and we went and i set up and there was nobody there and i played a john mayor cover and then got distracted while doing something else then i went to pee then when i got back i figured id do my regular set for shits and giggles. we were getting paid. but then i saw scott always packed the car. then i woke up and it was 1:14 pm
kill myself, leave, or figure it out
a
Today’s Breyerfest 2023 horse is Delft, the little Classic sized Limited Edition decorator! I’ve been enjoying these smaller guys, especially when they come in such bright colors! Delft is model 711625, and of course named after the blue and white pottery that decorates his box. He’s been waiting a long time to be opened! I also included a shot of his promo photo and how he looks IRL, because it seems quite a bit more purple than he actually is! He’s still very handsome, but I do miss the purple, since it’s my favorite color! Tomorrow we will see more of him out of box!
i want to kill myself today but i won’t
new song for the real ones
Listen to OVENHEAD: Succumb to the Witch (unfinished) by Bunny Boy #np on #SoundCloud
after getting lost in a mess of loop connectors and off-ramps i finally found a shaded road that had an establishment i decided to spend my day. it was sort of a convenient store with a deli but upstairs they had these gambling counters where people would sit and near those some park benches which is where i stay. it was sort of a tall tan brick building with a green awning.
i met a girl who worked there and i stayed the night in some kind of bedroom in the building. she went to the bathroom in the middle of the night and didn’t see her again so i went looking for her. the mysterious lady that owned the place didn’t know where she went.
the next day my friend mark got a job there. i went up to my usual spot and said “jacup” on a high pitched voice and he replied “jacup”, though i didn’t see him at all because he was behind the counter working.
i spent the day exploring the backrooms of this place. i saw many people o recognized, including shirley, a coworker of mine sy matshalls 12 years ago. seth green walked by. i hope my dreams take me here again.
my mind goes back and forth
blow your brains out don’t blow your brains out life is pretty good. if it’s not what you want it to be then change it you only live once.you mine as well do whatever the fuck you want.oh you’re still a big fucking pussy so then blow your brains out
that kinda thing
but sometimes i feel good m
just got back from tour. having trouble getting back to things and being constructive w my time
dreamt of s. in another world where none of the things happened, we all slept soundly. i realize. for some reason her father was a pilot and it was easy to convince him to fly mwbwimewherev
been a while since i dream journaled
i had some weird dreams last night. i’ve had this burning sensation on my tongue the last few days which is making me nervous. i think it’s cause of acid reflux or in my mind it’s cause i gave myself diabetes
anyways in my dream i found myself in dream york, maine. where my grandmother used to live and my uncle and aunt and cousins live in her house now. i really don’t remember much of what occurred in the dream i just remember i was walking about
the last round i was walkin w my cousin and we walked through a thing or whatever and then he turned and said we should probably stop here. now earlier in the dream i read a little article and it mentioned a guy who lives in a little makeshift cabin kinda thing that wasn’t closed off and that people liked to pop in and talk to him and do we did and he’s kinda like this weasely dude maybe in his mid-30s and turns out the place is just kind of a store and he starts showing us around. slapping his hands on things and being like “slippers”, “peanuts”, “coffee beans”. he actually holds out a bin of coffee beans to me and i confusingly go to take them and he’s like “nah you don’t want to take it” and then
i woke up
why am i such a lazy piece of shit. you are what you make yourself.
outline of novel is so close. maybe two more good days of focused writing. you’re gonna look back on this two days from now and laugh. but seriously
yep that was a lie
every day comes the thought that i should just kill myself because this world is miserable to me. there’s nothing here and the only thing that stops it is writing