Brain Dump Diaries

Because overthinking needs an outlet.

[mcviya]

The Duality of Lover: An Anxiously Attached Heart in a Taylor Swift World

There are songs that feel like home, a warm blanket on a rainy night. And then there are songs that reveal us to ourselves. For me, Taylor Swift’s “Lover” was both. I loved this song unconditionally. It felt like the epitome of romance, wrapped in Christmas lights and quiet declarations. But recently, I saw a TikTok that cracked something open in me: someone said this song wasn’t just romantic, it was the anthem for anxiously attached girlies.

At first, I laughed it off. Then I really listened and suddenly the song changed. “Lover” became a mirror. And in it, I saw myself.

I’m in the middle of accepting something about me I’ve long tried to ignore: I have an anxious attachment style. It colors how I love, wait, and worry. This realization hasn’t been easy. Sometimes, it feels like I’m standing on the edge of collapse, trying to hold myself together under the weight of fear and longing. But I’m learning not to run from it anymore. I’m learning to sit with it, to cry with it, and to hold space for the little me shaped by past hurts. I’m learning to hug my inner child and say, “I see you. I know why you feel this way.”

That’s why Lover stings now in a way it never did before.

Take the line:

🎵“Can I go where you go?”

When I was secure, it sounded dreamy, a promise of forever. But now, through my anxious lens, it’s a plea: “Please don’t leave me. Let me follow. I don’t feel safe without you.” The song is tender when you’re in love but devastating when you’re unsure if that love is truly yours.

Here’s how the song unfolds when viewed through this emotional lens:

🎵“We could leave the Christmas lights up ’til January”

Playful and cozy if you’re secure. But if you’re anxious, it’s a wish to freeze time, to hold onto a moment that feels fleeting.

🎵“This is our place, we make the rules”

An empowering line, unless you’re clinging to an illusion of control in a relationship that always feels just out of reach.

🎵“And there’s a dazzling haze, a mysterious way about you, dear”

This line is magical, but for someone anxiously attached, it can feel like emotional fog.

“I can’t quite read you. I don’t know where I stand. You’re enchanting, but you’re also unreachable.”

🎵“Have I known you 20 seconds or 20 years?”

A poetic way of expressing soul connection, but also a red flag in anxious love.

“Why do I feel this deeply this fast? Is this real, or is my mind filling in the gaps because I want this so badly?”

🎵“I’m highly suspicious that everyone who sees you wants you”

Not just playful jealousy. It’s the core wound speaking: I’m scared I’m not enough. I’m scared you’ll leave me for someone better.

🎵“I’ve loved you three summers now, honey, but I want ’em all”

Sweet if you’re building a future together. Heartbreaking if you’re terrified that no amount of time will ever be enough to make someone stay.

Even lines like:

🎵“My heart’s been borrowed and yours has been blue”

Suddenly echo something deeper.

To an anxiously attached heart, this isn’t just a clever wedding reference. It feels like, “My heart never really felt like it was mine to give, always on loan, always trying to be worthy. And I know you’ve been sad too… I just hope I’m enough to make you stay.”

🎵“All’s well that ends well to end up with you”

This is what we tell ourselves to make all the pain feel worth it. It’s not just romance, it’s relief.

“Please let this mean it was all for something. Please let this mean I’m safe now.”

And then, the softer parts, the lines that should bring warmth:

🎵“And you’ll save all your dirtiest jokes for me”

Yes, it’s playful. But for someone like me, it becomes a quiet hope.

“Please let there be a part of you that’s just mine. Please let me be special.”

And finally:

🎵“At every table, I’ll save you a seat, lover”

To someone securely in love, it’s sweet. To someone anxiously attached, it’s everything.

“I’ll make room for you even if you don’t show up. I’ll wait. Just please don’t forget me.”

Even the softest lines carry a quiet desperation when heard by someone who constantly fears love slipping away.

Yet, despite the ache, my admiration for Taylor Swift only deepens. To write a song that holds so many truths at once, to capture the fragile magic of love and the terror of losing it in the same breath, is pure genius.

So yes, I’m anxiously attached. I’m working on it. I’m learning to calm the part of me that panics when love doesn’t feel secure. And Lover, with all its romanticism and heartbreak, is part of that healing journey. It’s no longer just a love song. It’s a self-portrait. A quiet reminder that even in my fear, there’s beauty. Even in my unraveling, there’s understanding.

And maybe, just maybe, that’s love too.

[mcviya]

God I’m so tired, and lonely. ☁️

[mcviya]

Beyond the Struggles: Finding Peace and Strength with PCOS

It’s been a week since my check-up, and turns out my PCOS symptoms are back. 😢

There are so many things I need to adjust, but the first step is being kinder to myself. I’ve got to remind myself that it’s okay to feel the way I feel, and I don’t have to push through everything all the time.

Hormonal mood swings are real. Hindi lang siya arte or toyo. It’s REAL, and it hits hard. There are days when all I do is overthink and cry. Then I stop.. not because I’ve processed it but because I’m too tired. I just sit there, staring into space, trying to read something to distract myself. And somehow, I still end up crying over words that aren’t even sad. 🤦🏻‍♀️ It’s like my emotions are stuck on high, and I can’t turn them down.

Second is diet and exercise.

It’s really hard for me to lose weight because of PCOS. I also have insulin resistance, which means my body doesn’t break down sugar properly. 😰Instead of using it for energy, it stores it as fat. So kahit hindi ako kumain ng marami, it still feels like I gain weight easily. It’s frustrating, but I’m trying to be patient and find what works for me.

And some would say, “Mag-diet ka nga, mag-exercise ka kasi.”

And yes, I do that too! I try. I move. I make changes. Pero unlike you, or most people, it’s really hard for me to lose weight. Yes, lifestyle changes are important, but the results don’t come as easily for someone like me.

It’s not just about discipline. It’s a whole different battle with my body and hormones. 💁🏻‍♀️

Third is managing stress.

It’s not as easy as it sounds lalo na sa BPO industry. Working night shifts, handling chats all day, meeting targets.. it can get overwhelming. And after my shift, stress from home, family, relationships or just life in general adds up.

Parang wala nang pahinga.🙎🏻‍♀️

But I’m slowly learning that I need to protect my peace. Whether it’s taking 10 minutes to breathe, journaling my thoughts, walking my dog (Zero, bibi) or letting myself cry when I need to. Small things, but they really make a difference. Stress will always be there, but I’m trying my best not to let it control me.

And lastly (though I could list so many more),

I need to protect my peace and mental health.

I’m learning not to let other people’s opinions about my body define me.. especially those who don’t know what it’s like to live with PCOS. Their words don’t carry the weight of my experience, and I won’t let them shape how I see myself.🤞🏻

I am beautiful.👸🏻

I have to stop being so hard on myself and stop comparing myself to others. There are so many things I can offer, not just in romantic relationships, but with my friends, my family, and most importantly, with myself.

And through all of this, I don’t want to lose my spiritual connection with God. It keeps me grounded. I’m reminding myself to always be kind and understanding, to speak gently and not just to others, but to myself too. ❤️‍🩹

Aside from that, im also learning to adjust my temper, to build healthy boundaries, and to choose my battles. And just like my favorite quote by Marcus Aurelius from Meditations says: “You always have the option of having no opinion.”

[mcviya]

I’m back… again.

[mcviya]

I miss going out of town. I miss serenity. I feel like anytime soon my sanity will be lost forever..

#LostInParadise #Serenity #Quarantine #Pandemic2020 #MentalHealthCheck #SelfLove #Calm #Nature #Photography101 #CaptureItRememberIt #Words

[mcviya]

Great escape for a summer adventure of a lifetime.

[mcviya]

Lost in Paradise—summer feelings 🌴🌊

[mcviya]

God, I hate feelings. Or I hate my conscience. The two are constantly at war, and I’m not sure which one I’d rather turn off.. #ThingsToPonder

[mcviya]

"Words are like swords. If you use them the wrong way, they'll turn into ugly weapons. There are cases of broken friendship that could have lasted a lifetime if not for verbal abuse."

Detective Edogawa Conan

[mcviya]

ALL IS WELL..

Just done watching the Indian Film 3 Idiots (2009) because of a friend's relentless nagging. I have never been a fan of Bollywood films, but I must admit that its story has a philosophical and existential dimension that makes great sense when applied in life.