11/24 Happy Thanksgiving 2016 all. 11 weeks + 1 day post op Long post. I know this "holiday" has a great history of violence. My thoughts and prayers are with the water protectors at Standing Rock. Keeping my head up through recent events has been a struggle but I've got to make an attempt to stay positive right? More to the point of this blog. The sutures in my chest have been poking out for a while now, the surgeon said i could pull them out, and I've done that to some, but left some others. I kind of stopped posting for over a month for a bunch of reasons. I got really dysphoric for a while and just didn't want to look much myself or think about transness at all. I also haven't kicked the habit of being overly critical of my body and so have been telling myself all sorts of body negative nonsense about my scars being too red, or uneven, or my nipples not looking perfect etc etc. I even stopped putting stuff on my scars to help them cuz I just couldn't handle it. But I'm feelig a little better now so that's good. Most of the pics I've snapped from the last month look the same so I haven't bothered to upload. The best news though is the the last bit of extra swelling I had around my left armpit is either all gone or almost all gone. I still have like no feeling in my right nipple, which is fine. I think it's kind of funny actually. One of them is fully sensitive, though the hyper sensitivity has calmed down tremendously, and the other has nearly no feeling whatsoever. It can feel a little pressure but that's about it. In other transition related news... I am at this point attempting to get a passport just in case. I am also at the same time attempting to get my legal name and gender marker changed. I don't know that I ever intended to change my gender marker as neither male nor female accurately describe me, and I fear the consequences of being one of the brave individuals to be on the frontier of third/other gender markers, particularly here in the US. It is worth noting I don't actually have the option to chose an "other" gender marker where I live in the conservative southern USA. So I am going to try to get my gender marker changed to male, because I fear having a legal name that is inconsistent with the assumed gender of said name in this country as the friggen Nazis take over our government. If I can't get my gender marker changed then I'm not sure if I will go through with legal name change. I might but I'm not sure. I just feel pretty uneasy and unsafe in this country right now. As it stands I am stealth at work, though a handful of people have me figured out and are polite enough not to be obvious or vocal about it. I only have to suffer the invasive questions every once in a while, and so far all of my co workers lately have been polite enough to respect my desire not engage about such matters. Though I was nearly refused service at the liquor store a few weeks ago, which was super upsetting. Fears, complaints, and anxieties aside; I am over all much happier now that I've cast off that extra baggage that was weighing me down and stealing my spoons everyday. Getting my surgery has been the best part of 2016, which most people would agree has been a pretty rotten year. I will echo the sentiment that many terrible things have happened but for my personal life a lot of really wonderful things have happened. This summer I got to take 2 wonderful vacations with my partners family, I got to see my lover in KY, I got my surgery, the boundless kindness and generosity of my partners grandfather literally paid for it and moved me to tears. Ive been promoted at work and literally in one year have gone from applying to wash dishes to working the line to stepping up every time a boss failed to lead and preform and finally to legit managing the effing kitchen. The amount of growth I've experienced at this job is next level. We got a new kitten to be a companion to our slightly older cat and they love each other. Their names are Mulder and Scully, so be jealous. And now my partner and I will be moving into our own place, with no room mates by the years end. I'm less depressed than I've been in over a decade. I've curbed my alcohol and drug consumption dramatically. And my mental health in general is the best it's been in 10 years. I started taking fish oil, despite being a strict vegan for the last 5 years and my heart has finally stopped hurting because of that and as a side bonus the fish oil also helped with my depression and ocd. I also stated taking NAC which seems to be helping a lot with the ocd too. So yeah. I have a lot to be thankful for this year. I'm sure there are more good things to come. I'm hoping I can regain financial stability soon so I can feel safe about being generous. I usually try to help as many people as I can through the year, buying kids binders and donating money and food to poor disabled and queer folks but I've been struggling to get my money up since the surgery. Anyway I know 2016 has been a really hard year for the world and for countless individuals. There are certainly more hard times to come. I hope we can all find the silver linings and the gems that brighten life and make facing the days ahead bearable. All the love in my heart goes out to the oppressed populations of the world. I know it's hard, so so hard sometimes. And I don't have a lot to say that can make it better. And even if I did few people would see it. But there is a lot of love in the world. And people can be wonderful. I hope someone is extra generous towards you soon. I hope you get the help you need. I hope you find the love and support you need. I hope you find happiness and purpose and contentment. This post has gotten super long and off topic so I'm going to wrap it up by just saying I love you, whoever you are. Good luck. I'm rooting for you. (Except Nazis and fascists, I'm rooting against you, you inhuman assholes)
