Courage, dear heart.

[mega-ntron]

10:03am

i. it has been one year and eight months since i have written anything and it has been one year and eight months since i sent myself into the unknown with only the hope (the courage? the suggestion? the pleading note to self?) to be the light. be the light, be the light, be the light. to be the light in my own densely wooded darkness.

but i think i made it. or at the very least, i think i am done stumbling around the enchanted forest. for a literal decade, i have been writing, trying to figure out where the fault in my code was, where the missing piece was, where the wires had crossed. and i fucking found it. and since this last decade’s downward spiral has been heavily documented, it seemed like i owed it to myself to take note of the rising. i’m through with white flags.

[mega-ntron]

10:33pm

i have been spending my days in odd places, relearning how to make my own mind a safe place to be (for me. for me, for me, for me.) uncovering dusty furniture and straightening picture frames. i don’t know if it will work, but i’ll light a candle and stay to find out.

be the light. be the light, be the light, be the light.

[mega-ntron]

10:15pm

i. i need to write about something other than you, she says, as she writes something about you.

ii. i have been sober for a month.  which, in and of itself, is a peculiar thing to say because i didn’t consider myself not sober a month ago.  i didn’t feel not sober, but i was taking swigs of whatever at ten o’clock in the morning and finishing off the night with undisclosed amounts in opaque cups. (i was a step away from just drinking vodka out of water bottles, and we know how that ended, but you’re coming up next.) i didn’t feel not sober, but i certainly feel fucking sober now.  the problem, the problem, the problem, the problem, is that i had moved on from one awful addiction to the next when i landed on drinking and with it gone, the only way i know to turn is back. the alcohol was healthier. 

iii. (okay, your turn.) for two weeks now, my son has been telling me that his name is yours. how does he know your name? (i wanted to name him after you anyway.) and then i was driving the hundred miles home this week, and  your name was in huge neon letters.  and then i went to see her and she handed me a stack of photographs specifically of me and you. and all of these things keep happening and i see you.  i see you. i understand you so much clearer now, and i miss you so goddamn much.

iv. i let go of something today and it better fly the fuck away.

[mega-ntron]

i’ll lie if i have to.

i. days went by without our normal conversations and i wasn’t okay,  but then weeks went by and months went by and  eventually, i thought i was fine without you. (i’ll lie if i have to.) i thought i was fine, but then you said that you needed me. let me have you.

and then i’m on your couch in a full room after hours of slow acceptance that so much of this is in my head and i’m doing this to myself,  this slow and painful death of a hopeless romantic, i thought i’d be fine. (i’ll lie if i have to.) i thought i was fine, but then you reached over and held my hand in front of your whole family, stoking the embers. let me have you.

and then i’m laying in your bed, closing my eyes,  admitting defeat and making it okay by giving rejection a smile and a crown, a consolation prize for letting go, realizing (convincing myself) that i only need you because  it’s impossible to have you. (i’ll lie if i have to.) i thought i was fine, but then you put your arm around me and pulled me in as close as you could. (fuck.) so i threw the crown outside the lines. let me have you.

[mega-ntron]

delicate addiction

i know how it feels to do something you know is killing you, and not be able to stop.

and i know how it sounds to have people who love you beg you to, and it not matter.

i know.

[mega-ntron]

there is an ocean in my head

there is an ocean in my head and i know this to be fact because i listen to the waves crash in and sink back so persistently, so violently, so goddamn loudly always. but i am listening, listening, listening as my heart gives the ocean its life, picking up speed with every anxious beat because i am so afraid of getting too far underneath the current but i am wading (waiting) in waters i don’t yet know how to calm.

[indigobyplasma]

[mega-ntron]

an excerpt from anger

i. for months, my interrupted sleep was greeted with kind words from a kind heart, turning what were self-deprecating tendencies into a softer place to begin the day. may i suggest a new morning thought?  a somewhat clean slate of powerful thinking. but then the same heart used the one-way opportunity in the middle of the night to pack up and leave. they had learned too much and felt too much and heard too much and saw too much and i was too much again.

so with the morning light, i awoke to an abuse of power - four words to begin the day: i can’t do this. it must be nice to be able to leave on your own terms again.

ii. the problem with all of it, really is not that they left. because that is to be expected. (once you know what is waiting behind most of my doors, it is always just a matter of time before the idea of locking them all and leaving in the opposite direction comes to mind. it comes to mine.) the problem is that i had those doors open, lights on. the problem is that i was almost convinced it would never be too much, (you had me almost convinced) and then all at once, i was again.

iii. 
i am not to be consumed at full strength, i have to be watered down.

iv. this is what you wanted, wasn’t it isn’t it to have the words you’re reading be about you.

[porcelainandposies]

[mega-ntron]

reputation precedes me

i. sometimes it’s easier to look past this than to talk about how heavy my mind is but i pick up on sadness like pings on a radar these people feel like they’re trapped in the same home as you we read each other’s smiles as faint acknowledgement of not knowing the way out.

ii. if i let my mind loose and lose focus, it would be an all consuming fire. i only let myself slip to you in waves, a controlled burn. otherwise, otherwise, otherwise every ignited breath i breathe is fire meeting gasoline and i will burn it to the ground every time.

iii. “i bury hatchets, but i keep maps of where i put 'em.”

[water-aesthetics]

[mega-ntron]

“..if people were rain, I was drizzle and she was a hurricane.” - John Green

[lecataste]

[hannahkemp-deactivated20240409]

[mega-ntron]

you are the one, i am the two

i. sometimes, you are just far enough out of my peripheral view that i have glimpses of what not needing you from the inside out feels like. (but actually, what it is is something to numb the sensation, to contain the fire, to put pressure on the wound, because) when you come to me and need us, my mind shakes my heart and i can exhale and then we all know that i was just waiting.

ii. i am getting ready to go thousands of miles away for hundreds of hours to try to find some peace. i will drive hundreds of miles across a state i love from far away, along the ocean and the mountains i have said all of this before; identical itineraries with uncertain outcomes. i will use the earth’s vastly larger parts to put me into perspective within them once again. to swallow me up. to kiss me goodnight. and then i will drive hundreds of miles to your doorstep. because the way you look at me sets my soul on fire and i can already smell the smoke. swallow me up and kiss me goodnight.

iii. three months ago, you laid your head on my chest and told me every time my heart took off running while you asked me everything, and i told you everything (couldn’t have stopped myself if i had tried.) every moment from those nights has been rewound and replayed so they will stay close, but eventually, my fingertips will forget the warmth of your skin and the way your hair fell between them, but tell me again, the way that you love me because that, i cannot let go of.

iv. fuck.

[mega-ntron]

be still

i. i have known from the very beginning of this that you and i are on borrowed time. have you? over a decade of your ocean pushing me out and pulling me back in, rarely knowing which side of the current i’m being swept away with until it is too late for it to matter. the unfortunate truth that i am finding over and over again: i will find a place to lie on either side as long as you are the ocean. you have always been the goddamn ocean.

ii. somewhere (unknown to me) in this room (unknown to him,) there is a handwritten letter explaining which parts of your city make me shiver and how to find them - literal maps to their figurative counterparts. and it has become an amusing little game to see which one of us will locate it first. a treasure hunt of betrayal.

iii. while others are toasting to new beginnings, i am preoccupied with every impending ending. because if i am being honest, and i am trying so fucking hard to be honest, this closing door does not lead to an open one. the door will shut, the gate will come down from the ceiling, bars will appear on the windows, and i will be alone in the dark. there is no room for resolution here.

[my-dear-moon]

Lourdes Sanchez, untitled flowers

[mega-ntron]

11:49pm

i. i can see you over there pretending that you have stumbled on some newfound happiness without me (and maybe that was the key this whole time. maybe we are too much of the same and too much of the insanity to be anything other than wildly unhappy together this time.) masquerading. tell me why. but only when it is convenient for you, of course. only when you need me. only when it is dire from your end. because fuck me. tonight is one of the nights that i will rip you to shreds, with my thoughts, with my words, with my stares, clean out your corners, and forget all your addresses. and tomorrow, i will wake up and remember that i know you best. your eyes could drown me in the pacific ocean, because i will always lose this. i will always lose. so now what.

ii. i don’t want to feel like i’ve wasted so much time with you and the saddest, most frustrating part of that is that i don’t even know which one of you i’m talking to.