Profoundness within the lines @megadreamsblog03 - Tumblr Blog

1222- Christmas 2017

1222 ... These numbers have been guiding me for quite some time. I had deducted that it was an important date. 12/22, something major would happen. I made a pact with my angels that 222 were my union numbers. This year leading up to 12/22, 222's were everywhere. I finally got to a place where I feel wise and emotionally balanced. Triggers easily recognized and quickly processed. Everything seems so clear and I am not burdened by what my twin does or doesn't do. In fact, I appreciate the whole experience.. even when he pushes me away... it has a purpose. I understand that everything will happen in it's own divine timing and that ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING is in perfect order with no mistakes. Everything the universe puts in my way, is an opportunity for me to grow and learn. The Universe leads me to my purpose. I know that my twin is doing what he needs to do for himself. I trust in him and this process. All I can really do is let go, give what I can and grow to value myself.

Twin has been avoid-ant of intimacy and affection. Fears getting too close. We do not talk about our feelings nor are we 'public' with our relationship. We've said the occasional 'I love you' in controlled conversations. He seems more committed and we are in agreement we are in a relationship but do not talk about it. I don't feel he prioritizes me, making me doubt if his childhood trauma will ever let us 'fall-in-love' properly. Other people from my past are popping up and they are professing their love for me. Telling me I was the one and willing to do anything for me. Frustrating to see that and not get it from my twin. My guides tell me to trust in the process. So I continue working on self and being unconditionally supportive to twin. I'm feeling confident and dismiss anything that doesn't serve me.

12/21/2017 .. The day starts like any other. This evening when my twin gets home, we talk about Christmas and parenting. Twin has not had a real 'Christmas'. He doesn't understand the meaning of it and why it's such a big deal. He's been more open though and we've been trying to make the best of it for the kids. As we talk he smiles. He pulls me to him and sits me on his lap. His arms wrap around me like a blanket as he tells me, 'I looove you sooooo much. I don't love you enough. I don't show it and I'm sorry." 😮 As I respond with an, 'I love you too," and I squeeze him back.. I fight the urge to deny his love. I can finally receive it, accept it and give it back.

12/24/2017.. Christmas eve. We are getting ready and wrapping gifts. He's finally excited for Christmas. We know this will be amazing for us and the kids. As we admire our hard work and sit in front of the gift-filled tree, we talk. So much is shared. The veil is completely gone and nothing is held back. He expresses how much he loves me. Admits he misses me all the time. He calls me his 'wifey'. He admits he's been stubborn but doesn't want to run from it anymore. I deserve to be treated like a QUEEN, and he wants nothing more but to make me happy and fulfilled. I have changed his life for the better and can see us growing old together. I express how his avoidance has hurt me, and he knows it has and he feels horrible. He doesn't want to make me feel that again. I tell him that I use to tell him I love him all the time in 5D. He confirms he heard it. I tell him I heard him tell me not to give up on him.. He confirms he said it. We know that we can overcome any challenge and that our union is divinely orchestrated.

12/25/17.. Christmas day! As I get ready and jump in the shower I started meditating and speaking to my guides. This is where I usually get the best guidance. For the first 5 minutes I literally just say ' AHHHH!!!" to them. I start to express appreciation in any way I can. They were right this whole time. And then I cry. Just a year ago these tears symbolized the excruciating pain of separation. This day.. they symbolized overwhelming JOY. I MADE IT! I finally made it. Twin and I are in full UNION. Today, we have merged and I'm sure we will face new but different challenges. Challenges which we can overcome.. together.

Authenticity

There’s a point of authenticity of no return. This point is reached when you’ve experienced raw authenticity and love like never before. You start to uncover yourself (from yourself) and lose the societal acceptable persona you’ve had to create. You learn that; what once mattered, doesn’t really matter anymore and you want nothing more but to be happy and limitless. You learn to protect your authentic self and create boundaries. You also learn that your energy matters and it cannot be given freely. You learn to accept nothing less than what you want and what you truly deserve. It’s not easy and it’s a very humbling process. You realize that happiness is the product of what you give, not what you take. You learn to recognize others who suffer from this trap of ‘acceptance’ and how you could show them the way to freedom. You also start losing patience for those who continuously play the game without wanting a way out. You become tired of meaningless acts and intentions. Knowing the depth of what one knows is quite lonely but nonetheless worthy. You realize that wasting time is everything but following your heart and acting in passion.

#12162017

In Power

My being vibrates only in the frequency of LOVE. I am divinely loved and my love is magical. Love defeats the greatest of adversaries.

I am divinely perfect and whole. I am empowered and divinely protected. I am FREE of ALL that does not serve my highest good.

I cut all chords of attachment and fear surrounding me, my love and my loved ones. All that is true withstands, overcomes and defeats the strongest of storms.

I claim victory against all lower vibrations as I choose today to live in my power and in my truth. I choose today to live in peace and in LOVE!

Twin-dom sucketh

I just want to turn in my crown of twin-dom and lead a life of simplicity. But noooooooo... the universe said 'you can handle this and you deserve the Ferrari of relationships .. caution tf relationships may induce a sense of chasing your tail, you may experience hallucinations, loneliness, extreme bouts of depression and then happiness and so forth forever until the day you die. You may also experience irrational behaviors from your twin, leaving a feeling of perplexity and abandonment. You must clear out the never-ending skeletons in your subconscious closet , induced by all the fuckery you've endured that you probably have blocked out and don't remember. Yes, once you think you've done it, you haven't because it's like a fucking onion. The one issue will never truly be resolved bc this onion grows new layers. Maybe, one day in your late life you'll finally have everything you need to live happily with your twin. And then we will fuck with you some more. Take 2 salt baths a week, meditate daily for 2 hrs, exercise and eat unprocessed foods (bc emotional torture isn't enough, you must also give up the sweet orgasmic tastes of really yummy greasy and sugary foods). We'll see you on the other side .' Thanks Universe ! You are the best!! =/ AND thanks for letting me vent lol.. one of THOSE days.. Edited to add that you are stuck with this destiny for ETERNITY! yup, no take-back-sies.. no refunds.. you actually chose this.. Oh you don't remember? We had to erase your memories so you can learn all on your own. You must also deal with past-life karma (which you also won't remember). You must learn to balance the extremes. Give your twin space but speak your truth.. but don't do it now.. you'll know when the time is right... Good luck!

The Door

I’ve never quite grasped the extent of that which is held within me. The mere ‘knowning’ of these greater forces is nothing less than frightening. Envisioning myself in an empty room, completely white and a single door. I spend most of my days walking in circles trying to gather up the strength to break free from my own prison. Except, I wouldn’t necessarily call it a prison. It’s actually quite comfy in there. It is safe and it is all I know.

Countless times, my inner child has attempted to peak through. But in those moments i’m shoved back in. I have strength, more than I’d like to admit. Every time I’ve attempted to exert this strength, i’m shut back down. I say I do not care how others think or feel about me, but much of my worth is determined by how others reflect it back.

It’s a mixed blessing and a curse to contain an insurmountable amount of information and not being being able to decode it or relay it just the same. And then i zone in on my steepest mountain to climb; my own worth. That door cannot open until I’ve been able to release and/or embrace that which holds me back.

Tempted to let you go

I’m tempted to walk away from you. You’re everything I’ve ever wanted; From your smile to your skin From your mind to your soul . Everything that is you fits perfectly into my broken pieces to make them whole. I never thought it would be you . Would never think that you were real. Yet here you are, laying next to me . But I am tempted to let you go… Not because I don’t deserve you , But because I want you to be free. I’d give up the best thing that has ever happened to me, if it means it will bring your happiness . I cherish each moment with you as if it were our last. Your arms cradle me perfectly, Your lips perfectly caress mine Your touch awakens all of my being. You awaken all of my senses . You are perfectly imperfect and I have a healthy obsession for you. You are perfect for me. I can no longer hold on to logic as this has ascended all forms of it . You see, I cannot suppress it much longer… I can’t lie or hide it … I’m falling for you … So I am tempted let you go…

Nothingness

By Maritza Enid Gonzalez (HS 2002)

Tired of being nothing, not to you but to me. Born from misery's womb, raised under sorrow's roof. I think... I think because it's the only thing I'm good for. I THINK to keep me sane, but it's the cause of my d***ation.I have nothing left to live, but I live to feed my mind. My mind.. The only thing I believe.. The only thing I'm sure of. My imagination keeps things alive yet kills all that affects me. Unsure of what I am, How am I to live?.. If these thoughts aren't even mine?

Sun’s Eternal Shine

Sun's Eternal Shine 2002 (HS work)

By Maritza Enid Gonzalez

Nature, uncorrupted Beautiful and free, Filled with innocense How I wish I were like thee! My soul absorbed by Thy finest chants, With thy creatures and birds And radiant plant. Unknowing of man's Cruel thoughts, While man's ignorance doesn't know Nature cannot be bought. Lost within the wind Forgetting all lies, I look up at the endless blue sky Letting the sun shine in my eyes. My mind I lose Forever in time, With thy creatures and wonders, And the sun's eternal shine.

Greater Than Life

Inconspicuous to the depth-less perception

A mythical concept in a mundane creation

Impenetrable, the barricades stand

Unknowingly preserving of it’s heartland

Deep within the depths of our spiritual essence lies the ultimate truth

To be revealed only by the simplicity and purity derived from our youth

It lies within the product of divine union

The truest form of love and ultimate evolution.

It is the destination of utopia without strife,

Where we find a meaning greater than life.

#4.11.16

note

The key to success is consistent and persistent effort, Overcoming challenges by never giving up and embracing failure as an opportunity for growth. Victory lies in the journey and it is rewarded by the end result

07/14/10

The Other

We may not be perfect But we found each other

Our lives were a mess But we stood by each other.

We had hurt the other so much And even lost each other.

But something greater brought us back

And we built a life with each other.

With each day you won me back And created life with the other.

Our lives grew richer each day Bc we decided to fight for the other.

Now we build our legacy In kids that reflect eAch other.

Every smile, every kiss, every hug could never be without the other.

Deeper meanings, greater purpose A memory now but a lifetime for others

5/27/14

drinking...

I met David on 2/22/08.. under the worst circumstances.. I saw what I wanted to see and ignored the rest.. I was ‘strong’ and would not settle for less. And here we are at the LAST entry on my myspace blogs bc after then i lost my passion to write. I did not want to unveil behind the curtains because I knew just how empty it was. Hwritten on 4/22/08..

drinking

I love you more than I can ever explain and I look forward to living my life next to yours. There is something, however that needs to be cleared before something happens that we both fear. When I first met you, among other things, the one thing that drew my attention to you was your ambition and persistance and your "moving forward, looking foward" attitude. I saw a disciplined, respectful, and mannered individual, classy and no less. Loving, caring, understanding, sensitive and open-minded. I saw someone who would lead me when I needed to be led, to take care of me when I'm in need, to be the man of the house, the protector, my partner in business, in life and in love. The father of my children, my husband and best friend. We all have things in our lives that we need to improve and at your worst moments, taking in consideration your current situation, I have accepted and have the patience to help and wait until things get better for the both of us. I've seen some improvements such as; no drinking during the week, I've seen you smoke less while I'm around, you are consistently going to your classes and coming with me to learn a way to better yourself as an individual and ourselves as a couple. These are all steps towards the right direction and sometimes the road is long and slow but it pays off. I had a very hard time yesterday because I myself am trying to better my life and situations and I want to succeed and be financially independent as well as emotionally stable and mentally & physically healthy. However, when I walked in to my place with my son and his father I couldn't have been more disappointed as to come up against what I found. It's not even about me it's about my future with my son. I could lose my son if proven that he lives in a kind of environment that we experienced yesterday. I want to take my son on and be his primary caregiver, I want to teach him things that he won't learn anywhere else.. I want to teach him how to be strong emotionally, mentally and physically, disciplined, well-mannered, kind, positive, loving.. all that stuff and of course his dad was giving me crap about what he experienced (honestly, I would have taking more drastic measures if the tables were turned than just bitch about it). I called you, because I needed you, you always make me feel good and even though YOU DO regardless when I called and heard how bad you were slurring it was as if my heart dropped to the pit of my stomach. I was disappointed that here I am trying to get my life together and I've seen your progress and every time you get drunk it's like starting all the way at the beginning and losing all progress towards where we want to be. I wasn't mad and I didn't want to talk then because I had a feeling you would take it the wrong way. I love you and all I could do was be cool and patient and wait for a better time to talk about it. I got angry at myself for getting wasted every weekend and for getting high and coked up all those times. It just doesn't make sense anymore. What's the purpose of getting wasted? Why hinder myself of what I'm capable of? Why not be the mother that my son needs? Like Alexander says you are what you speak and what you sorround yourself by. I don't wanted to be sorrounded by ppl who get drunk and high, and especially not live with them. I want to be around individuals who challenge me to be better, to work towards something productive and good, who encourage me and commend me for being a good mother or to lead a healthy lifestyle. I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired and the only choice I have is to move foward and make the right decisions accompanied by the right choices. You told me you need help being reprogrammed and (I DO TOO!) I want us to help each other out but we need to seriously think on a daily basis before we make our choices whether that particular thing will keep us from our goals or move us one step closer. I know sometimes if I say, "we need to talk" or "I have an idea" or whatever.. you say "damn!" or you look upon it negatively. Especially if you do something you think I wont like you hesitate to tell me... I don't know what your past experiences have been like but I'll tell you something about me.. When I'm in a relationship it's suppose to be great all around all the time not just the first stage when you are unconditionally falling in love. I want it to feel like that all the time. You're suppose to be excited to be with your partner and hear what they have to say. I want to be your best friend above all and if there is something that you aren't proud of, you can tell me because all I can do is encourage you to do better next time and stand by your side. Be a positive reinforcement, you know? I'm excited to watch us grow individually and together and I am willing to work through anything and everything but I found some truth into what that chic was telling you that night.. "a bad habit (like drinking) will keep you up at night due to something bad happening" Listen, your question, " When will we get married". I'm afraid that if you don't quit drinking it's going to tear us apart.. It's your choice and I'm here until the end by your side.. Let's just think about making better choices for ourselves.. Love you, babe..

Why?

02/05/2008

I'm sure all of us at one point or another have come across certain individuals, which I'd like to call as "attention whores" aka " I like to gossip for no reason because I have no life" aka "I like to live through other's experiences" aka " I critique because I CAN'T do" aka "I like to make stuff up to keep my life interesting". I think you get the idea. I am in no way, shape, or form a person who likes to spread negative about anyone because 1) WHY? 2) It only makes ME look bad, 3) WHY?! I just don't see the purpose. I like to keep to MYSELF. I'm also the kind of person who likes to be straight forward, to the point, quit the BS and the small talk, tell me what's going on straight up. It isn't that hard people! If there is something that ANNOYS me above all (besides loud, obnoxious mastication) it's LYING. Why complicate things.. Keep them simple.. Oh I'm afraid to hurt someone's feelings, If you cared enough about that person and it was something so important that you had to tell someone else, just tell it to their face. There are ways to say things to make it not sound mean. I rather deal with things than find out YOU lied to me or were talking behind my back. I've really found a meaning behind "NO EXCUSES", I believe you can get anything done that you'd like to get done, YOu don't know how then ask someone or find a way.

Yea, I'm not perfect, I do lie here and there. Some things I really don't find necessary for certain people to know. Example; What I do, who I do it with, why I do it. Unless you are my significant other there's no need for me to explain myself or tell you what YOU want to know for being nosy. Sometimes to avoid the argument I fib. Do I lie ABOUT other people? No.. WHY?!

I won't lie to my son. Some parents tell their kids certain things to get them off their back. I don't. I tell Miguel exactly how things are because instead of being selfish and getting immeditate gratification for myself I rather him accept things the way they are, deal with them, and learn to trust that Mami is always going to tell him the truth. That's a greater lesson. What if he doesn't understand? Well, if he doesn't he will and someone's got to teach him.

1 Gossip/Rumor/Speculation about me... I'm a BAD mother; Okay, so quick recap to the birth of my son. Me and my at-that-time husband lived in my parent's house WITH his parents and younger brother. We had NO privacy. Why didn't you move? you may ask.. I DID want to very badly, but my hubby was to attached to his mommy to let her go and he thought I was incapable of doing things alone. (OMG! I'd like to choke people sometimes). Needless to say I think that was one of the bigger things that led to our separation and eventual divorce. So after we seperated I had to be the big woMAN and I left because of 2 things.. 1) There was WAY too much gossip going on in my own house and at my job about the separation, speculations of me running away with someone else, etc... (Hence another reason WHY I absolutely hate gossiping and such) 2) I felt like I had NO control over my child. He'd cry people would come in and try to take care of him, or they'd rip him from my arms, maybe they'd totally ignore what I would say to him, blah blah.. So during my seperation I became a little distant from my son because I was clinically depressed AND I didn't know how to regain control at that time. I was young, I felt alone, and I was a mess emotionally. To make matters more complicated my ex was trying to get me back all the time and I had found 2 people who were there for me at time. His cousins. I got in a relationship with his cousin, which I don't regret, but I also didn't leave my hubby for him. I just didn't know where else to turn and he understood me more than anybody else at the time. ANYWAY.. blah blah blah, I wasn't as close to my son then because of all of the above. I loved him more than anything, and I was trying to get myself out of the rutt for him, BECAUSE of him.

Either way since then, I've learned ALOT, matured ALOT and recovered some lost time with my son. Regardless I always read books, magazines, talked to doctors and I was ready to be a mom since I got pregnant. I didn't ask them to do things, infact I wanted to do it myself, I wanted to learn, and I was more than capable of doing it. In some ways I believe, Way more than them. Fortunately, I am very emotionally stable now and I've earned respect from my family because they see who I am and what I try to do with my son. They won't necessarily follow what I want from him but that's the reason I'm moving out. My son acts spoiled sometimes, but it's not because of me again, he spent a lot of time with his grandparents and now I'm trying to rectify his behavior which takes time. I teach him LIFE lessons that he can't learn in school and which many take for granted. Most people don't understand why I do what I do with my son, "Oh poor Miguel, his mom is tough on him" "Why won't she Pick up his mess or let him eat before he goes to bed, or eat candy like all kids do, or why does she let him cry, or put him in time out.. etc.. " I AM SO NOT sorry for trying to teach my son values, morals, convictions, or how to think for himself. I'm NOT sorry for teaching him honesty, responsibility, how to be healthy, how to be strong, bold, mature, how to appreciate the value of hard work, or how to learn to deal with his emotions. I'm NOT sorry for actually researching stuff before exposing Miguel to certain things and looking at facts and not what other people "think" is right. I am NOT perfect but I know what I need to do with my son and how to do it.. I learn from my mistakes and am more emotionally and mentally capable than Most in my family. I don't feel the need to explain myself and that's why many don't agree with what I do. Many don't agree with what I do and don't understand what I do, but that's why I know I'm doing something right because when good things are being done negative forces will always try to tear them down.

My Perfect Guy

11/19/07...

Okay so it's the end of the year and unexplainably my hormones act up and I start thinking about how nice it would be to lay next to someone who'd keep me warm every night.

Now now, listen I'm not looking for something super serious because I want to enjoy a relationship and have fun. I like going through that stage where we're 'just friends' but we're eager to see each other because we have so much fun when we're together. The stage where there is no pressure to label what we have and we can play small inoffensive jokes at each other. Someone that knows how to have fun and laugh! Where we can sit and play games or tickle each other on the floor and wrestle (Actually to be quite honest, a little tickle here and there is nice but when it gets out of control I will hurt some..).

I like going out and doing sporadic things that one would normally not do, like playing lazor tag, play with water balloons, paintball, or walk around forest trails, the city or the mall and find silly things that makes us giggle. I like someone who can surprise me in a good way and be creative, positive and uplifting. Someone that can laugh at himself and always find a way to improve. Someone who can be honest but gentle.

A guy who is confident, open-minded, can communicate and have great conversations about serious stuff or just STUFF. One who can respect me and TRUST me (to avoid those horrible jealousy issues). One who can express himself freely and openly. I want a MAN not a boy. There is a difference between having fun and just being immature. I respect a man who can take responsibility for his actions and is straight up and honest. The whole beating around the bush thing is just a waste of time. Like I mentioned before, not only is a guy with confidence attractive but also with boldness and clarity of mind. Someone who can have deep conversations (including but not limited to intelligent convos), common sense and a purpose. Sharp yet can let loose and go crazy! Appreciative, loving and doesn't care what other people think.

I've always admired those who do what they want without giving up even if the odds are againts them. (Ofcourse if it's with the right intentions.) I'm drawn to those who live daily with a passion or are passionate about something in their life. I love to dream BIG!

Okay so if you are still reading this you must know that I KNOW noone is perfect and I also know that people can change but I do have standards so I don't settle for less. Here's the thing, all my life men have disrespected me and taken advantage of me and honestly I'm just tired of not giving myself the value I deserve. There is one thing that I've always stood by and that is, if I feel uncomfortable with someone or they disrespect me (even if I'm in love with them) I will end the relationship because again I know what I'm worth. I've looked in all the wrong places and I've gotten poor results because of it. I am definitely not perfect but when I find the right guy you can be assured that I will treat him like a king. I'm not afraid of giving everything to someone, I'm not the kind that has terrible jealousy issues and honestly I think I'm pretty cool and laid back. I have a son and in no way, shape or form do I expect anyone to be his 'dad'. He has a wonderful father who is very much involved in his life and NO ONE can take his place. I feel very very strongly about this. I'm all about moving forwards not backwards and I don't dwell on the past or on what could have happened if I had done things differently. I just needed to get this out and I don't expect anyone to read it.

I feel better! =) ~*Marrrritza*~

PS. It bears mentioning that I do value my past relationships. You will always have a place in my heart where I keep our memories and great times.

The day I got divorce part I

06/18/07

Today I got Divorced I don't really expect this to be an awesome blog or anything but it's a huge milestone in my life so I thought I'd talk about how it all went down.. A lot of you don't know how all of this developed so I'll go through it real quick.. I met my husband.. (I mean ex-husband) through my aunt and ever since we met we had been inseperable. That winter we took a trip to Florida and since then we fell in love. It was a real pure love at the time and it brought much happiness to my at-the-time depressed life. He went back to Colombia and came back bc we were miserable without each other. We decided to get married so he could live in the US with me. We got married the day before I graduated from Highschool..A year later I became pregnant and we had our first child. K this is getting kinda boring.. we weren't getting along we split up 2 and a half years later we are getting divorced.. As a family

[URL=http://s89.photobucket.com/user/MEGADreams/media/scan0003.jpg.html][IMG]http://i89.photobucket.com/albums/k239/MEGADreams/scan0003.jpg[/IMG][/URL] Day of his citizenship

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We were both ready for it, he's moved on with another chic and a daughter, I've been wanting to move on but found it hard to if I was still legally married. But we were both nervous and teary-eyed going to court. It was a moment to remember all those times we shared and that which once started was officially coming to an end. Of course he'd joke around and say, "Let's just get out of here and run away to a desserted island!" and even though tempting we both remembered the reason we were there in the first place. We both admitted that we will always love each other in a way and even though this is an end to a chapter it's the beginning of the next and IF we are meant to be together we will be in the end. We got there 30 minutes early and the wait was just excrutiating. It gave us time to talk and in a way I'm glad we had to wait bc it calmed me down a little bit. Then the lawyer comes storming in a few minutes before the time we're suppose to go in.. "So there might be some problems with the shared parenting plan but I made the necessary changes and here you go so you can look over it." I'm like FRACK! I have to wait more.. So we waited .. damn I don't even know how long I was just drifting off and us talking I wasn't even paying attention. So after a while later we were sworn in by this awesome guy who was talking about Puerto Rico all of the sudden he says,"Lift your right had and repeat after me." Just as if it blended in with the rest of the puerto rico convo and after we swore in he just kept talking about it like nothing.. It was actually quite awesome. We walk in me on one side he on the other as we are asked questions and as the judge talks to me at the end my eyes start tearing up again and she says, "I now proclaim your marriage terminated." or something like that.. And just like that we're out. Now, we aren't officially divorced until we get something in the mail but the hard parts over. And literally as I walked out of the court room I felt a breeze and a ton lighter and I said, " I'm free!" Which I know sounds bad but it's been a long time coming and I feel relieved.. Still this day is a little gloomy and it feels like a huge step. So I'm celebrating and forgetting my troubles.. Anyone want to come out with me tonight let me know! I'm thinking maybe Mad Frog but I dk yet.. Send me your love and handsome tall men my way! ;)

Last day in PR

3.28.07

My last day in PR Today is my last day here and after 6 weeks of family and love and beach and fun it's all come to an end. It's been a life changing experience with a brand new perspective on things and a much needed reality check. At this time tomorrow I'll be on a plane on my way to Columbus to then be in Cincinnati that evening on a long, hard and powerful journey to adulthood and loneliness. It's hard going from having all the love and support in the world with the ppl you must look up to, to be thrown out in the wild with no family, no support, no economical stability where it's now up to me where my life leads and to take what I've learned within these weeks and apply it genuinely and correctly.. It is up to me to work my ass off like I've never done before in my life to support my son and myself to hopefully one day have a place I can call home in Cincy where nothing or noone can give me shit or trespass onto my comfort zone.. Somewhere where I'll sit after I've accomplished it and think wow.. I got this far despite all the negativity and all the ppl who tried to bring me down. And at that time I will call my father and tell him.. "You have a home here now, please come and live with me. We were forced to live without each other for a long time and after 14 yrs let's live together with no one in our way of our happiness and no one to cause us harm. We have both suffered enough and I don't want you to miss anymore of my life or my success." To my father..

Bday Surprise!

3.28.07

Surprise! Last night I went to the movies with my bros Joe and Carlos.. We watched 300 (which by the way KICKS ASS.. majorly) And we walked around in the mall for a little bit.. Meanwhile back at home my step-mom had told me she had an Ebel meeting (which is like Avon but it's a french company). When we got home we saw a lot of cars and I was like crap how many ppl came to this freaking meeting? We go in and my dad puts his arm around me and takes me to the kitchen (I'm thinking crap they are trying to sell me something) and as soon as I walk in the lights turn on and everyone yells SORPRESA! (SURPRISE!) It was my family (dad's side) all of them except for my cousin Sylvie (she's been working hard and was tired).. COMPLETELY unexpected.. There were balloons and a beautiful cake that my cousins made they started singing happy bday.. I was shocked and overwhelmed with emotion.. I felt like crying but contained myself. (Unlike right now) I've been missing this all these years .. a family, a birthday party, and just the simple gesture of a cake.. It's been a while since I've had any of those and it meant a lot to me.. I have friends like Jenn and Tony who made me a cake a few years back and I've had surprises before by my friends in Cincinnati (my friends there are my family) but there's nothing like the love of family and be able to share it with my dad and my brothers and my son of course (the greatest men in my life). At the same time I know I'm leaving in just a few days and hurts even more that I'm leaving all of this behind. It's my home ... When I was stripped from my family when I was younger I would go to Cincinnati and would feel like I lived in a bubble and everything outside that bubble was surreal. No matter how hard anyone hugged me it wouldn't pop and it only went away when I was in Puerto Rico. As the years went by and then I had my son things changed a little my bubble wasn't as big of a barrier but it was still there.. I had everything and nothing at the same time.. My mom wanted to buy me with materialistic things but I missed the love of my family of my father.. This is why I would keep to myself and felt so alone. I'd cry myself to sleep a lot and overall wished plenty that my dad would be there so I felt like I had support and family. I have no words to describe how much my father means to me he's always been there for me, talked to me, backed me up (unconditionally), and taught me the finer points in life. I needed him and I still do. Leaving on Friday will be like leaving the biggest part of my heart behind and I have no choice but to keep on living and do the best I can so I can help him move to cincy and be close to me and his grandson. My friends in cincy are my family and I value them very much because of that. I've seen my son share with his uncles and his grandpa and it tears my heart bc he has so much fun and he's formed such a bond with them. And he's going to need them as much as I do. Thank You Johanna so much for the party I needed that so much... The love of my family.. I will forever be greatful..

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