first panic attack after 4 years (excluding the ptsd flashbacks obviously, category on their own), running on 4 hours of sleep and being outside all day :) i don't know if i am the best su!cide hotline ever having lost two loved ones to it or the worst due to that because i just cannot not be in alert after the 40 spam calls & the enormous text messages about it from a borderline stranger but my brain just cannot NOT show me graphic pictures of my nightmares and her de4d face, i've lost it, i can't ever be a psychologist or anything, i don't want to interact with humans, i don't think i can handle like anything social related that won't end up in an one month insomniac period due to my re-tr1ggered nightmares, barely alive human. in middle school i had a friend who literally sent all her su!cidal friends to me & i had to talk them out of it but i don't understand if it's a divine punishment for my guilt and inability to talk her out of it. i don't think i can actually handle anything related to su!cide, self h4rm, assault, mental hospitals but what can i even stomach, i feel hollow asf yet oversensitive, i feel like i am walking with broken legs so i have to crawl, i mentally feel like my feet are bleeding & injured whenever my trauma gets tr1ggered and i feel broken beyond repair, i am stable as long as i am away from tr1ggers and i am stable tr1ggered just broken beyond repair, i look shallow, lost, expressionless not emotionless & not there, unless i mask it & then i go home, bye and after all that it took me an extra 2.5 hours to get home had already walked A LOT because there were no buses, at midnight, in the centre, strangers around, i was so ready to lay on the street being in pain in every way yet i kept walking because i always keep going and i am always as functioning as i can be on the day, ts not peaceful, even in the worst conditions ever i keep walking with my injured tired feet, did an one year debrief to another friend though (that made me feel ten times worse because why am i unpacking all that & omg bye why did all that even happen) why does anything ever happen (2nd day of period aswell) i want a hug but like don't touch me, i'm scared when i'm like this & touch doesn't feel safe but what does ever feel safe, i hope my dreams will be okay, literally anything else, i hope the next days will be fine & i need to submit the bachelor-thingy on top of that BUT ON A BRIGHTER NOTE! i am not running on 3-4 hours of sleep bc i have to satisfy twink this year so a win is a win (can i mentally and physically rest for a week at least, social media disappearance slowly?! should i throw my phone in a river?!)
kianamaiart
tangentwithtanner
pixelskylines
turnnoffyourmind
gracieabrams
vaporwave
titsay
s-u-f-j-a-n-s-t-e-v-e-n-s
