It is taking away the mirror on the walls
Avoiding them in the bathroom at home and
Making an excuse not to see herself outside of it
Looking away when someone compliments her because every nice word her ears register is pointed, takes the shapes of a knife that leaves an invisible wound for her to trace back to and repeat. repeat. repeat.
Every time someone gives her a nice reason to believe in herself, all she hears is
‘This is what I am not. This is what I will never be.’
For her, it is world full of liars calling her ‘not ugly’ or ‘not fat’. How can she trust someone else’s encouragement if she cannot even trust herself enough to look in the mirror?
It’s not about what I have to say every time she asks me if she looks okay that day, but what she chooses to believe at the end of it in order to live through the next one.
It is hiding the mirrors behind furniture because she needs to see herself without taking her hands around her thigh and measuring day after day
Pinching her arms and jokingly saying she is round like an egg
But I still grow to familiarize myself with the back of a china cabinet turned away so she cannot see herself in the glass
It becomes normal not to see myself below the neck, regular for the lights to be shut off when she comes in the bathroom. so Imperfections are concealed
I hide my own mirrors so I know she will not sneak into my room just to see herself
I know when she does because she will begin asking the same questions
Do I really look this way?
Why don’t I look like them?
(why do I take up so much space)
(why am I even here)
I watch her cry and there is nothing I can say
It is living without the mirrors on the walls
And being aware of every time someone mentions their weight and appearance
Afraid they will begin the same cycle I watched nearly destroy someone I love
It is turning off the TV during diet commercials and weight loss programs
Not being able to listen to the radio without being drowned by pills, and quick fixes, and secrets to healthy living
You just have to cut out enough, and then cut out more, and then nothing is left but cutting out you.
It becomes forgetting about the scale and never looking at the calorie count on the back of a cereal box without remembering hospital walls
Her doctors scrutinizing you at her appointments and worrying
how much weight you lose or gain
Because it could ‘happen to you, too’
It is your sister looking at you just to say
You watch over me and cover my ears
Staying by my side and hiding the mirrors
Just because I can’t live the same way
Doesn’t mean you can’t live the life you want to
She still carries hope the way I do.
