I have written more letters to you than I reckon I ever actually said to you. I think the only time I actually let some of my feelings out to you was the last time we talked, almost four years ago.. I was angry, and man I think you were too. We both could have done better, but I sure was stupid.
What a four years it has been, we would have a lot to catch up on, but I don't think you'll ever allow that door to open. I'm pretty sure you sealed it off, as if there was never a door at all. Ya know, I didn't even recognize you at first at his service. Who would have thought that would be the next time we all were in the same building.
I'm healing from the loss of him in a different room in my head, though. You know, I never would have met him if it weren't through you. I miss him every day.
I guess, I've just come more to the realization that, even if you were playing some sort of weird game, gaslighting me/others, or literally anything, I recognize that I, still, was certainly delusional. I think you are just more in tune with yourself and life, and us being able to have some deeper conversations and good laughs together was really nice.
We were really close.. I guess in my head, I felt like you were a really good friend to me, for the most part. Why would you have been such a good friend and acted how you did if you didn't feel even the tiniest bit the same? I guess that's where the gaslighting came in, or maybe it wasn't, but other people saw it too. I have no idea how you truly felt though, and I'll probably never know. So, I guess I'll just admit to myself that I saw more between us than was tangible.. even if it did seem that it was. My perception of things was on me, and I can't blame you for anything anymore. I'm sorry that I put you in a bad position, I'm sorry my actions led to what they did between us. I am grateful that it did allow Triston and I time to be together in a different space.
It did take time to wash you out, and I can't say that I'm completely clean. I still want to talk to you about anything that would make me think. Nothing really does anymore. 2023 was a really bad year, but that's what I expected from 27. It took a lot to get to where I'm at now and accept so many things. At least there's something good that's come out of the past 10 years.
germansingergirl
blakekathryn
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