I think that something people need to understand is that (and Iām speaking as a person with depression) when you have very low self-esteem, you donāt see things clearly.
In 3x16 we see how Buck is terrified of being abandoned and feels heās alone and not valued by those he loves. But this is Buckās point of view. Heās not seeing things clearly.
For example at the beginning of the episode Eddie jokingly invites Buck along to help with Christopherās sleepover. His tone is lighthearted, but from everything weāve seen between Buck and Eddie, Iām 100% sure it was a genuine invitation. And Eddie offers this before everyone else admits theyāre busy. If Eddie had heard everyone else speak first, I bet you dollars to donuts he would have sincerely, genuinely said, āHey, Buck, come help me with Christopherās first sleepover, weād love to have you.ā But he was the first to speak up and leave so he didnāt realize everyone else was busy and Buck would be alone.
Buckās issues in 3x16, as we see in his talk with Maddie, clearly stem from deeper, longer-standing issues than just a few recent outings. āYou left.ā Buck didnāt have great parents or a good home life, he didnāt feel loved, and the one person who did love him, his sister, left him there. Twice.
Now, as someone who is an older sibling (a much older sibling, thereās over a decade between myself and my sisters), I can attest that leaving aināt easy and thereās more to it than that, but it doesnāt change the fact that Maddieās leaving coupled with Buckās crappy parents created a situation where Buck felt like he wasnāt good enough - and heās been carrying that low self-esteem ever since.
But what do we actually see of the firefamās behavior? A huge welcome back party for Buck. Maddie says that she and others have been trying and failing to get Buck out of bed, proving that they were all trying. We then immediately cut to Eddie succeeding in getting Buck out of bed - by giving Buck his most precious possession in the fucking world. Even before 3x15 āEddie Beginsā we know how goddamn important Christopher is to Eddie. Christopher is the light of his fatherās life. And he gives full responsibility of that child to Buck, and tells Buck thereās no one in the world I trust with my son more than you.
Bobby was mistaken in how he handled Buck coming back to work. And Buck feels heās being replaced. But thatās not actually whatās happening. Athena and Bobby even have Buck over for dinner and itās implied this is a regular occurrence. In the grocery store Chim and Hen are angry with Buck because they miss him. Eddieās angry BECAUSE HE MISSES HIM (and because yet another adult just skipped out on Christopher and thatās unforgivable to Eddie and frankly heās right and Buck shouldāve warned them about the lawsuit and at least talked to Christopher about it but that lawsuit storyline is so fucking stupid ANYWAY). Theyāre angry because Buck is claiming they donāt care when they do.
And thatās how it is sometimes when youāve got depression, or anxiety, or low self-esteem. Or, in Buckās case, childhood trauma about abandonment that you havenāt properly addressed. You leave before others leave you. You lash out and accuse others of hurting you because youāre terrified thatās exactly what theyāre doing and itās easier to be angry than to be vulnerable.
Bobby was wrong but he did what he did because he loves Buck and was scared for him. It was a father-son spat.
Buck is INCAPABLE at this moment of seeing how much the others love him because he doesnāt love himself. But that doesnāt mean that heās right. The 118 loves him. They are his family, and they love him. They just donāt realize (yet) that Buck might need a little extra showcasing of that love right now, because theyāre not mind readers and they canāt know what Buckās struggling with if he doesnāt tell them. Hell Maddie didnāt understand what Buck was struggling with until he told her. And sheās the woman who grew up with him.
When you know youāre hurting, of course you think everyone should be able to see it. You can see it, canāt you? You feel like youāre being obvious. But humans are inherently self-centered. What we experience and feel is so much louder to ourselves than it is to everyone else. You need to communicate with the people you love. It can be hard to spot someone hurting, even when you love that someone. And the 118 has been there for Buck and put up with a lot from him. So in their minds, of course he knows they love him! How could he think anything else?
Just like alcoholism, or another addiction, we canāt always see it. That doesnāt mean weāre bad friends or family. It doesnāt mean we arenāt loving and supporting the person.
Basically all these takes Iām seeing about how the firefam isnāt appreciating Buck and arenāt being there for him or should be there for him are driving me nuts and so I decided to rant about it.
