all the feels - part four
While my bronchitis seems to be getting worse by the minute, today has still been okay (so far). Not great, but also not as bad as the last few days.
As I had hoped, my highly productive late night session of replanting succulents was a success. Well, at least a semi-success. This morning, I was quite pleased when I spotted my plants in their new home (also known as pots). But I also was unable to clean up the mess of dirt and soil that I created while replanting. I mean, not physically incapable.. but mentally. It seems like I simply cannot focus on this one task, even though it is literally right in front of my eyes, and even though it would probably be quite easy and quick to handle.
I see the illogicality of this, I feel it in my bones. I was a friend of logic, once. It was a friend that helped me organise my life and thoughts. But nowadays, logic seems like an unhappy supervisor who is trying to help but actually just reproaches me with my inability to follow its lead. So, as you might have guessed, we are obviously no longer on the best terms. We have grown detached. But I hope the friendship will rekindle some day. And the mess? I will clean it up eventually. Just not now.
And the rest of my day? Well, it has been uneventful. I slept in, phoned my mother, watched some cheesy Christmas movie, and cooked dinner. And I caught up on opening my Advent calenders. One is a continuing story about the unsolved murder of Santa, and the other one is a tea calender, including a different tea for each day until Christmas. I try to create the habit of drinking tea in the evening, so the calender is a good motivation. Maybe it will help me (re)learn self care. Because I definitely suck at that - despite what my day may sound like..
And while you might not believe it, to me, all those tasks have been quite exhausting. And that’s simply because of how my mind works. Sleeping in means waking up with regrets because I have wasted too much time of the day already. Speaking with my mum makes me miss her, and reminds me that I most likely won’t be seeing her until Christmas. Watching a romantic movie makes me feel even lonelier, and also, I should have used the time for something of higher importance or at least an educational documentary or whatever. And cooking dinner? I enjoy cooking, yes, but only if I cook for others and not just me. But dinner is the only meal of the day that I haven’t completely abandoned, and up until now, my mind seems to accept that I need to eat at least once a day.
I know that all this is may sound silly. I know that all these things are no ‘real’ struggles, that many people fight with way stronger demons. But - while one single little drop of water probably only distracts you for a second, millions of tiny drops will overflow you nonetheless. So you don’t always need to be surrounded by the sea to drown.
andulkaphoto
origamiaround
amandla
izzy806
prguitarman
germansingergirl
romaincrisis
