the more you lie the more ill stay here.

vent blog

[merlyncereal]

but i refuse to lose my whimsy!!!

its been taken from me for long enough. multiple people and the universe has tried so hard to make me as hard as it is but im not. and i should be proud of this and i will be! i will be proud of my softness once i find a way to share it with the world. ive been so scared to do that because look where it got me. but the truth is - i wasnt proud enough. thats why it got taken from me. i was soft and trying not to be. and i lost myself. getting myself back means accepting that im a fun loving, soft, malleable piece of shit. it means accepting that i can be all that and also mean, and also assertive, if i need to be any of it. it means accepting that none of that means i have to turn bitter! it means accepting that i love looking at the stars! it means saying it out loud! i love looking at the stars! i have no idea how a car works and id be unhappy in an office job! i want to create! and im allowed to try! im allowed to TRY!!! im allowed to do that!!!! and im allowed to fail, too!!!!!!! IM ALLOWED TO LIVE!!!!!!!

life is so full of nuance! so many different shades of so many colors! im allowed to do it all!!!!! fuck!!!!!!!!!!!!

[merlyncereal]

you look out of place. like youre just going through the motions, like youre not really into anything. you look a little sad. am i just projecting? is it just wishful thinking? maybe i just want to feel like im not the only one with a hole in my chest. i just miss you man. i miss the life we used to live together. it felt tailor made for us. if theres one thing she was right about is that were kind of kindred spirits in this, shouting for work and drinking late and living in the streets more than at home is the life i feel best in. i think the same is true for you. its funny how we got so close but never enough. always kind of a wall between us yet youre the person i miss the most. im gonna have to admit it sooner or later that i cant stop thinking about you. i dont even care to define what this means, i just know its true. maybe youre just a symbol, maybe you used to feel like something more. maybe youre my missed chance, or maybe just a different path to ruin i couldve taken. maybe no matter what i couldve chosen, the outcome wouldve been the same. maybe this was always meant to happen. maybe you and i were always supposed to walk in parallel lines so close to each other our fingernails cant stop touching - somewhat numb, but constantly aware of this ever present pressure, a breath that can never fully be caught.

i just hope youre doing okay, my friend.

[merlyncereal]

man its so weird having been suicidal for most of your life cus you really default to that for every small inconvenience at least like, instinctively. like no man im not gonna kill myself over whatever it is now. can we get a move on so i can actually think of what to do

[merlyncereal]

like its clear that my desire is to do something big, to take the stage again. just gotta figure out what. and if it werent for those meddling suicidal thoughts i wouldve gotten away with it, too!

[merlyncereal]

man its so weird having been suicidal for most of your life cus you really default to that for every small inconvenience at least like, instinctively. like no man im not gonna kill myself over whatever it is now. can we get a move on so i can actually think of what to do

[merlyncereal]

voglio ancora prendermelo questo mondo. c'è una parte di me che lo vuole ancora e lo vuole tutto. voglio tornare a essere reale

[merlyncereal]

i dont even wanna talk to anyone theres no one i could talk to. none i care about talking to. man i genuinely dont care anymore i dont care about any of em and they dont care about me i just want this to be over man

[merlyncereal]

this is isnt the swamp anymore this is bleach. this is death incarnate this is corrosive acid all over my life and its over man its over

[merlyncereal]

look what ive become im a fucking bitter old bitch ive got nothing left inside me but this rotten cold and hatred for everything. where is my love man. i used to love. what happened to that man

[merlyncereal]

and what am i supposed to do now? will it ever come back? was it ever even real? what do i do with all this? it feels like a waste to throw it all away but man its rotten man its all rotten

[merlyncereal]

look what ive become im a fucking bitter old bitch ive got nothing left inside me but this rotten cold and hatred for everything. where is my love man. i used to love. what happened to that man

[merlyncereal]

man i know that ive got my own degree of responsibility in it i know that its on me to change my life but goddammit why is it never rewarding? why is it always so meaningless in the end? im so done man im so done

[merlyncereal]

why does it always come to this point and why am i always alone when i get here? what is this all for? is it a message for me? is there something i should understand? i thought i was doing everything right. i thought i did everything right. why does it always come to this no matter what i do?

[merlyncereal]

man i know that ive got my own degree of responsibility in it i know that its on me to change my life but goddammit why is it never rewarding? why is it always so meaningless in the end? im so done man im so done

[merlyncereal]

ma infatti forse fai bene a dimenticarmi. forse mi serve sapere che adesso la granata è solo in mano mia. forse dovrei lanciarla nella tua direzione

[merlyncereal]

vuoi giocare a fare la psicologa di te stessa? ok lo so fare pure io. giochiamo a "chi ha fatto più danno il padre che ha abusato sessualmente di me o la madre che mi ha trattato come una malata/totem delle sue frustrazioni per tutta la sua vita?"

la risposta ti sorprenderà!

[merlyncereal]

che cazzo di vita pensavo di vivere dopo aver visto mia madre annullarsi completamente per me facendomi comunque sentire in colpa per questa cosa

[merlyncereal]

esiste anche la troppa devozione purtroppo. è un'arma a doppio taglio una granata senza il beccuccio incastrata tra le dita e se non smetti di tenermi anche quando ti chiedo di lasciarmi andare esploderemo entrambe

[merlyncereal]

BOOOOOOMMMMMM!!!!!!!!

[merlyncereal]

vuoi giocare a fare la psicologa di te stessa? ok lo so fare pure io. giochiamo a "chi ha fatto più danno il padre che ha abusato sessualmente di me o la madre che mi ha trattato come una malata/totem delle sue frustrazioni per tutta la sua vita?"

la risposta ti sorprenderà!

[merlyncereal]

che cazzo di vita pensavo di vivere dopo aver visto mia madre annullarsi completamente per me facendomi comunque sentire in colpa per questa cosa

[merlyncereal]

esiste anche la troppa devozione purtroppo. è un'arma a doppio taglio una granata senza il beccuccio incastrata tra le dita e se non smetti di tenermi anche quando ti chiedo di lasciarmi andare esploderemo entrambe

[merlyncereal]

vuoi giocare a fare la psicologa di te stessa? ok lo so fare pure io. giochiamo a "chi ha fatto più danno il padre che ha abusato sessualmente di me o la madre che mi ha trattato come una malata/totem delle sue frustrazioni per tutta la sua vita?"

la risposta ti sorprenderà!

[merlyncereal]

che cazzo di vita pensavo di vivere dopo aver visto mia madre annullarsi completamente per me facendomi comunque sentire in colpa per questa cosa

[merlyncereal]

vuoi giocare a fare la psicologa di te stessa? ok lo so fare pure io. giochiamo a "chi ha fatto più danno il padre che ha abusato sessualmente di me o la madre che mi ha trattato come una malata/totem delle sue frustrazioni per tutta la sua vita?"

la risposta ti sorprenderà!

[merlyncereal]

i never want to be that puppy again. im making my own damn life now. youre not taking any space away from me anymore. none of you are

[merlyncereal]

porcoddio devo imparare a mantenere le promesse

[merlyncereal]

fanculo. 2026 l'anno in cui succede

[merlyncereal]

LA MIA VITA È MIA!!!! E HO IL CAZZO DI DIRITTO DI VIVERLA ANCHE SE NON STO SALVANDO NESSUNO NON DEVO SDEBITARMI CON NESSUNO NESSUNO MI HA MAI DATO NULLA CHE NON MI FOSSE DOVUTO E IO DEVO FARE LO STESSO CON IL MONDO