i love overexplaining myself, i dont gaf. neurotypicals can suck my dick. making my intentions clear while not knowing how to word what i say to *actually* come across as clear is my favorite hobby and no one can take that from me
(less of a joke, is overexplaining yourself like actually bad? or is it just seen as a faux pas cause of Social Norms. cause i so just apologized and overexplained myself to a friend and i wanna know do you think that detracted from my apology?)
i dunno how to express that ive recently been a terrible friend without it coming across as a "woe is me" situation. but also it branches out beyond that too.
so ive always been terrible with time management and waking up on time for things. so ive slept through multiple of my MANDATORY labs this semester cause theyre at 8:30 🙃
i know its both a SOMETHING IS WRONG WITH MY SLEEP and time management issue
(aside on the sleep issue: how do i fix this? i know its definitely poor sleep hygiene and a shitty sleep schedule, but i feel like i sleep for one trillion hours anyways. any clue for why i sleep so much? its not like im super tired throughout the day, i just sleep A LOT)
anyways, the bad friend thing is ive recently made my like only friend in my college town. anytime ive made plans to hang out with them, i have been late. just now i slept through our plans for me to help them study for their exam tomorrow cause i took a nap and slept for SEVEN HOURS
anyways, i need to apologize to them obviously but an apology isnt SHIT without a change in actions so how do i even fix all of my years of shitty time management how do i take the first steps to improve? and how do i express this to my friends that im going to try to improve but i will still need some grace from them?
i really wanna be a better friend and still hang out with this person cause they're so fucking cool
you may be thinking, connor, where are your complaints about AI? i read this whole thing and you didnt mention AI??
well, so fun fact to me specifically, being a bad friend brings some very uncomfortable feelings (like not in a "im a failure im the worst" guilt trip way but in a "i fucked up and that is not okay" way).
obviously i need to apologize to my friend for blowing them off. and as i was about to start typing out my apology, a little voice in the back of my head said "wow wouldnt chat gpt write this so much more coherently and quicker?"
and then i almost threw out my entire brain
again, not in a "ohhhhh nooooo im the worst person everrrr" way but yeah, i deserve to feel uncomfortable writing out an apology because i hurt my friend. to outsource this to AI would a) be insulting as fuck to my friend to whom im apologizing to and b) not helpful in the long run for me because the only way to get better is to do better and AI-ing your apologies does not count as doing better!!
also!!! i think clunkily-worded apologies are not the end of the world! i mean OBVIOUSLY LET'S HAVE NUANCE. im not saying you should just throw whatever words together and hit send! take time, reread and revise, hell! even ask loved ones for help for how to express yourself clearly!
but overall, i think apologies that arent perfect are clear indicators that you didnt just get an AI chatbot to write it or copy and paste a generic apology
ANDDDDD they allow for room for discussion! and if youre apologizing to a friend, yeah i sure hope you like talking to them, they're literally your FRIEND
small miscommunications with apologies (like "oh im sorry i blah blah blah. i know that wasnt okay because abc explanation" "thank you for apologizing, but actually i dont really care about abc reasoning, that's fine, it actually hurt my feelings because of xyz reason") are where you make the realizations of "ohhhh theyre coming at it from this angle and im coming from it at that angle and now i understand the issue more" are LITERALLY THE WHOLE POINT OF LIVING
AI is bad because of whatever hundred reasons, but please lets not outsource THE HUMAN EXPERIENCE to a robot? people talk about this with AI art because art is part of the human experience but uncomfortable conversations are ALSO part of the human experience. yeah its definitely a lot more shitty but like sorry, thats what being a friend means. it means having those uncomfortable conversations where you apologize for wronging someone or have to confront someone who wronged you
anyways, kinda annoyed at myself for thinking about using AI for even a fleeting thought. but i will write my friend an apology and wait for their response and have this uncomfortable interaction because c'est la vie
(hit maintenance (2k+) after like a 36 ish hour fast 😭)
also i feel evil cause i said to my friends (who i know one of them struggled with an ed in the past) "oh em gee i ate soooo much today" i need to stfu i regret saying that so much :(
what happens if you smoke (🍃) while fasting? also i already get high from like one hit of a bong so if it makes you more of a lightweight then i might be cooked
its *going to happen* if i lose the weight i need to
which will suck cause i like both of them so so so much but i guess thats months from now
one thing im not looking forward to
(just in general, i dont want them to ever notice which will be impossible at a certain point because they see me naked so its not like i can hide with baggy clothes)
i gave them my phone to look at nsfw pictures of myself that i had in a folder
turns out that i ALSO had a picture of basically meanspo written on my thighs in sharpie from months ago in that locked folder
i felt so guilty and embarrassed and ashamed. like my meanspo is only for me and like sometimes i post it when i know its stupid and irrational.
i feel so bad for them seeing that cause 1) ew thats just mean stuff which normal people dont wanna see 2) awkward as hell to see a GROWN ASS MAN with "how will you ever change if you keep eating" written on his legs and 3) oh my lord they probably think im cringe and stupid and pathetic
and THEN cause i felt so embarrassed, i OF FUCKING COURSE started crying which is even more of a loser thing to do
holy fuck they prolly think im so fucking pathetic :( which im sure i already came across that way but damn... sucks to have it made even more obvious to someone youre into sexually
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