Legally Bitch @messybrokenlover - Tumblr Blog

"I'm proud of you mija"

I froze, I don't remember him ever calling me that growing up.

I didn't say anything in response, I didn't know what to say.

Proud of me for what? How could he be proud of me when I've become so alienated from the family?

How could he be proud of me when they don't know me? They don't care to know me? Much less like me.

Family was my number one value for so long.

Now who am I?

#childhood trauma

elizabethsinclair

love elizabeth s.

I want this rot to leave my head.

Trauma's laced in the sheets on my bed

The sickness soaked into my skin

Nightmare's that have haunted me since I was a kid

Relive every bad moment, every bad thing that ever happened when I heard those kids scream.

Hiding behind furniture, make believe that kitchen stool makes you invisible from the harm.

Show a brave face, do your best to mediate, I've heard those plea's before, back when they were coming from my mouth.

I can't get his voice out of my head saying "Mom, please calm down" I can't get her screams out of my head. In a constant echo chamber of their childhood paralleling mine.

I'm sorry, I know you're only 6 years old with no control, I'm sorry I know you're only 10 years old and a minecraft server is easier to live in than your own home, I'm sorry. I know you're only 11 years old and you carry the weight of your dad's lust, and your mom's lack of trust, I'm sorry I know you're only 16 years old, you didn't deserve your brother's attention in that way, or your dad slipping in your room at night, or your mom's neglect and failure to protect. I'm sorry I know you're only 17, holding the family together, mediating and keeping it all light.

I'm sorry I'm not a savior. I'm sorry I couldn't save myself or the others and I can't save you.

I wonder how some people live without it.

I wonder how some people just are born knowing what it's like to now survive but to live, to breathe in deep and release with genuine relief.

I crave it, I crave the feeling of staying fight or flight,

It's a familar sensation the throbbing tension in my body.

I wish to escape the paranoia that lives in my head

Grandma I love you. Please I don't want you to die by his hands and it's his fingers that left those bruises on your throat, and it's his weight that pushed you down those stairs and it's his knuckles that broke your jaw.

Please Abuela, I'm sorry I don't speak your language. I'm sorry my tongue isn't familiar with the shapes of those words, I'm sorry I try to make up in culture what I lack in my upbringing, in my accent, in my receptive and expressive Spanish.

Grandma I carry your last name and I carry the weight,the shame, the scars your son left me.

If not for you, for me, for your daughter's, for my sister's

It could've ended with you.

Screaming from the rooftops "I'M NOT OKAY"" just to have another therapist say "you've got it all figured out"

I started therapy today...again.

I hold optimism that this time won't be so damaging as previous attempts have been.

He seemed kind enough although his name is laced with all of my previous trauma.

Funny, just the other week I was reminiscing on previous assaults so glad to put them behind me. So optimistic to say maybe it won't happen again.

And just the next week I find myself being stripped of my body autonomy once again. His forceful hands leaving bruises on my wrist pulling me into a territory I didn't want to go. And I'm expected to swallow the experince and chalk it up to a part of the job when he strips naked and exposes everything to my fragile self.

I insist that I am stronger now, I insist that I would react differently if things of my past happened today but I've only just been proven wrong once again.

He left my arms traced with bruises and wrist laced with vibrant red welts, blood speckled where his nails tore my skin.

I've been treading so carefully but I can never escape the carnage that men bring.

#spilled thoughts #coffee thoughts #writing #SA #sexual assault #work in progress #childhood #trauma #depression #anger #anxitey

I bury it deep

I bury my trauma so no one can ever see

I boarded up the windows, taped all the seals shut. No light from outside could catch a glimpse of this shelter I've built.

I've been isolated here, I forgot any other kind of reality could exist because if I can't perceive it, no else exists.

But all it takes to bring everything down all of the protection that has had me surrounded

One look in those eyes, one breath of that air.

My eyes water, my lungs fill with the strain of my next breath and there's me but when I was a kid

Helpless and defeated.

There's that room and now somehow I realize I never left.

I can't see the floor and the stench knocks me out of breath. And I hear the pitter patter, footsteps of all the animals that somehow she loved more than her own flesh. I know now I'll never be first choice. I'm merely an elective, an option.

Nothing more than to be tolerated.

Everyone keeps telling me I'm strong, so tired I just wanna be weak if only they would let me they would realize all I've ever been is fragile.

#spilled thoughts #love #alonesomes #writing #coffee thoughts #cry for help #childhood #trauma #ptsd

Heavy head, tired eyes, I bear so much weight. I may not be Atlas but these days I find myself more comparable to him than not. I fell in love with a man that does not exist, I fell in love with a man that put his weight underneath my burdens to hold them up for me. I fell in love with a man who could hold his own and not sink his debt into my endless seas. I fell in love with a man who woke in the morning simply to love me. A man who would only fall asleep because of the comfort of lying next to me. I fell in love with a man who made promises that I believed he intended to keep. A fool, I was. I fell in love with a man that does not exist

I keep looking for calm, I keep looking for gentle

I crave saftey something I've barely known. And when I've known it I've only ever been on my own.

I crave that saftey in another. Maybe that's my first mistake.

I want someone who can provide consistent gentle reassurance, and hold me enveloping me with the calmest touch I've ever felt before.

Oh how I wish to live in a house without a man.

Most of my life, I've lived in a house with a man it started with my father and brothers and then roommates and lovers.

But for a brief moment in time, such blissful peace falling asleep and waking up in a house without a man.

I don't know if I'll ever live happily in a home that can never be, a man always standing in the way, preventing a house from ever being a home.

lunamonchtuna

cruel how loving someone rewires you permanently.

lunamonchtuna

— Ivan Yan (source)

onyxheartbeat

What would you guys do if you had a choice to hold someone accountable and make them have consequences for their actions, but if you did, you’d endure the wrath of people in their family because they’re going to demonize you more than their family member? I feel so at a loss as to what to do right now.