𝐦𝐞𝐥𝐢𝐨𝐫𝐚. 🩸☆

https://mementomeliora.straw.page/

[memento-meliora]

𝐦𝐞𝐦𝐞𝐧𝐭𝐨 𝐦𝐞𝐥𝐢𝐨𝐫𝐚. ☆

─── ⋆⋅ ♰ ⋅⋆ ─── ٬٬ meliora ⤹⤸ any prnz ٬٬ omni ,, minor (17) ☆ ⋆｡° ✮ digital diary , bpd (and others) blog ─── ⋆⋅ ♰ ⋅⋆ ─── abt me <3

☆ ;; i'm a huge fan of the band ghost !! (they're my special interest) ☆ ;; i'm goth, but i listen to a lot of other genres, including; heavy metal, rock, indie, nu metal, & new wave. ☆ ;; this blog is primarily for me to dump out my thoughts, rant, vent, and make connections with other like-minded people. ─── ⋆⋅ ♰ ⋅⋆ ───

interests. ☆

general: psychology - (i plan to go into the field!), forensics, criminology, horror genres (books, movies, games), vampires, gothic horror, alt subcultures / differences.

music/bands: ghost, the cure, type o negative, she wants revenge, mcr, korn, london after midnight, vandal moon, metallica.

movies/shows: the phantom of the opera, dracula (1933 & 1992), the silence of the lambs, the texas chainsaw massacre (1973), house of 1,000 corpses, hannibal, criminal minds, dexter.

dni: basic dni, z00s, peds, n3cros-- paraphiles in those general categories, racists, homo/transphobes, etc.

byi: although this blog may not be entirely me venting / ranting about having bpd + other issues, i'd like to warn that even when i am- i may post about potentially triggering topics. I am mentally ill and will obviously portray those symptoms when keyboard slamming at 3am also i do not accept dms- unless from moots/friends!! however i do accept asks / comments for moot requests or otherwise related stuff :3

[xxbl00dsh3dbunnyxx]

No, you don't understand, the voice cracks are the best part of midwestern emo music

[memento-meliora]

sometimes i ask myself; who am i doing this for? and honestly, i don't know the answer to that question.

I hate having to suppress myself and my symptoms for the sake, and for the comfortability of others. I hate having to act like i'm not mad, like i'm not miserable, or tormented every waking second of every day. everything is awful. i mean that, everything.

do i try and cover it up more so it hurts less, or so that i don't feel as guilty when others begin to notice my sadness slipping through the cracks? i'm not sure anymore.

i don't want to be a burden to others, so i do as im asked and told without regard for my own regrets. i act like its fine during, but after, i find myself crying over the simple question; what if?

what if i did what i wanted to do? instead of letting somebody else hold me back, in fear of hurting them if i didn't, what if i let myself open the door to new memories, and opportunities?

I could have done all of the things I wanted to do if I wasn't so scared of hurting others. I could have gotten out. I could have been doing so much more, could have made so many more memories. But instead, here I sit, writing about if I had done those things. Now, I'll never get to.

[memento-meliora]

forced to say “it’s okay!” Instead of throwing a fucking chair at their head

[wateredwizard]

Why does your post have lingerie on

[memento-meliora]

God forbid a bitch be feeling herself while mentally ill in this economy 😢

[memento-meliora]

why can’t I ever just be good

[memento-meliora]

okay so like please just say you hate me and everything that i'm fucking interested in and you want me to fucking die ig jesus fucking christ god forbid i like things and get excited ever about anything

its not hard to say that you dont fucking like me i would literally much rather you just fucking say that to me instead of pretending esp when i would literally never say something like that to you

[memento-meliora]

I hate knowing that I'm such a burden to the people I am close too. Knowing that others feel like they have to walk on eggshells around me in fear of me getting upset. Knowing that I make others feel that way, when that's all I've ever felt about them, makes me feel horrible.

I am always terrified of upsetting others, and am constantly walking on eggshells so that I can be the best, so that I can be perfect, so that I can't and won't hurt them. But I feel like that's all I do anyway. All I do is hurt people, and that's all I'm doomed to do.

I try so hard to be good. I try so hard every day to remember my treatment plans, to stay regulated, because I don't want to be this way anymore. And nothing seems to work for me, and so the cycle repeats.

All I do is hurt the people I care about the most. And I hate that they have to distance themselves from me emotionally in fear of me splitting or getting upset. I hate that that's what I am, that that's what I do, and that I can't get anybody to stick around without eventually driving them off or pushing them away.

I want to be a beacon of safety for others. I want people to know that I'm here for them when or if they need help, that I'm always willing to offer assistance or support. Because I know what it's like to not have any of those things when you need it most. But it seems all I am is the opposite of support when all I do is get upset and resort to mechanisms that are harmful to myself.

[solitairians]

happy friday the 13th/valentine's day double feature to all goths, emos, vampires, horror enthusiasts, reanimated corpses, romantics, weirdos, freaks, lovers, and everyone else who may celebrate

[mentallylivingin2000s]

All you do on this app is cry and complain

what else is tumblr for bitch god forbid a girl be annoying on the internet

[memento-meliora]

tw for sh

i always feel so guilty when I relapse like fuck my bad bro 💔

[memento-meliora]

hey so like what is it with friends being secretly evil masterminds behind your back

[memento-meliora]

I’m never going to amount to anything in life. I’m not going to get in to any colleges, and even if I did I don’t know what I want to do with my life anymore. I wanted to be a psychologist. I wanted to help people like me, I still do. But, realistically, I’m not smart enough for that. I’m not stable enough to go into that field and likely never will be, not until I get proper treatment, or get myself under control.

I’m going to be like this for the rest of my life, and I’m never going to have any way out. I’m fucked. I’m so seriously fucked.

[memento-meliora]

tw for sh

my sh addiction has been getting so much worse lately and I just can’t stop. I go between weeks where I’ll stop and be clean for a while but then I just go right back to it, it’s been like this since I started almost 10 years ago. I just want to be clean 🙁

[memento-meliora]

I don't know what,

but something died in me this year.

Maybe it slipped out quietly,

while I wasn't looking.

A small, bright animal

I used to carry in my chest,

its heartbeat syncing with mine

like a secret rhythm of joy.

I didn't notice the silence at first.

Only now, in the thinning light of December,

do I feel the absence

like a room missing its windows.

The new year is coming,

but I feel like a house abandoned mid-winter,

still furnished,

yet hollowed out of its warmth.

Something in me was pulled loose,

stripped by greedy hands,

those eager, reaching hands

that wanted too much too son.

Hands that scraped the walls clean,

tore out the floorboards,

dug for something deeper

until all that remained

was dust and an echo.

I keep trying to name what was taken.

Was it love?

The way I used to walk through the world

as if everything glowed from the inside? Was it a spark, a softness,

a small internal flame

that once burned passionately? I don't know.

Only that whatever it was,

I miss it like a phantom limb.

Lately, I move through days

like a shadow of myself,

a silhouette cut from paper,

sharp at the edges, hollow in the middle.

People still laugh beside me,

and I try to join them,

but the sound catches in my throat

like a heart that forgot how to beat.

Maybe I'll grow something new.

Maybe the soil of me

is just resting,

waiting for the thaw.

But right now,

right now I feel the cold of it,

the quiet of it,

the truth of it: Something died in me this year,

and I'm still learning

how to live with the ghost

of who I used to be.

[memento-meliora]

tw for potential ed related stuff

I’m actually so fucking tired of being plus sized and fucking ugly I’m genuinely thinking about starting a fucking disordered eating routine to force myself to lose weight.

[memento-meliora]

I’ve gained weight wtf wtf wtf. Kms

[memento-meliora]