How important is connection?
Its 15 mins to 4am and I am lying here wondering what kind of dream state Iâm in. Will I wake up from this and realize that nothing has been said and it was still the same? I do badly wish that were true. Iâm mourning a loss. My words have teleported me into this black abyss. Thereâs nothing here. I am alone. This is what I wanted right? I miss him and Iâm scared. Iâm actually scared of going through this alone. Is it dark and empty here because Iâve loss and never mourned the person I was or am? Would it have helped with having him being there or would it be a continued masking or a crutch for me to get through life? Are my views wrong?
The pass keeps leaking into my brain, mostly in forms of nightmares that wake me up at 2 am and does not allow me to sleep. tâs like the more I keep it away the stronger my pass becomes. Itâs a dark mist that I try to ignore and now itâs engulfed me. Allowing me not to see the greatness that lied next to me. But how do I deal with it when the feeling of touch makes me want to feel smaller. We were good before why is it festering now?
Maybe it was too early. I never processed what happened to me. I instead saw and found this warmth, a great big sun and clung to it. But he doesnât deserve that. He doesnât deserve having to unpack what I canât unpack. Things I donât know how to unpack.
ââââ
To my younger self/inner self,
I am sorry I left you sitting in a pool of darkness. We will get the help we need to help process and heal from our traumas. Iâm sorry I thought that just talking about it would work, I never knew that the connection and my words to you on a daily basis would affect you this way. You too deserve a better version. You are not to blame. You are loved. And I do love you. Iâm sorry I didnât nurture you as much as I shouldâve and instead allowed the love (which isnât wrong) from others nurture you. But in the mix of it all, Iâve lost you in this stew of ppl that truly love us, and others that donât. We need connection. We will rebuild. We endure.
