[mhagnolia]

I HAD A DREAM U FELL ASLEEP HOLDING MY HAND!!! WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO W THAT!!!!

[mhagnolia]

i'm writing and allowing myself a couple of minutes to journal instead of doing my readings because i'm tired and my brain is cloudy and i don't know what to do. maybe this is when it's really over, i think maybe the distance i put between myself and him was moreso just a reactive sense of betrayal or rejection. now it really feels over and like it'll always be really far away from me. it's strange, the feeling of love or liking someone, what reminded me of this so promptly in the past few days was a sense of care. i want to make sure he's okay,t hat he's happy. i'm imagining him being upset or just tired of a lot of things and the fact that he doesn't want to be. i wonder what he thinks happened between our friendship and if he even cares. would he, could he? i thought he would've. i don't miss him like i miss someone who should be in my life and by whatever circumstance we are apart for forever. i don't feel like that with anyone. i miss him like i miss the closeness and, yes i think of what hannah said. how i used to talk about him, how much i admired him. that careful, fragile, precious state of harmony. and understanding. his expression when he would smile while he talked or when i would make him laugh or how it felt when he would message me. i miss those things and that connection. he meant so much to me, what did i mean to him? how can he just forget about it? i tried so hard, i put so much into trying for him. i guess it just hurts. i wish it was easier to explain and say and to understand how i felt.

[mhagnolia]

dear ram,

im writing this to you 2am 2/14, after i ran into you walking home. its funny, i turned onto 39th because i convinced myself not to walk by your place, i left wawa at just the right time and was going to search for your location but then i didnt because i reminded myself to stop attaching myself to you. suddenly im writing this only for myself. thats the thing with this exercise, i forget the point and divulge and then hold back because i realize im trying to communicate, and inadvertently, i reemphasize everything im not saying.

feelings are complicated and fragile. theyre really important to me, almost more than honesty or friendship. emotions in general. i care more about my feelings and others' even more than honesty, and i think thats why i think i should tell you how i feel. because whether or not i say the entire truth to you, because its so hard and difficult, i'd rather you understand how i feel.

i liked you last year. a lot, it was a really meaningful friendship to me that bordered on more. i think time and distance and certain boundaries helped, i thought it wouldnt be an issue for me anymore coming back to school. but it hasnt stayed away. it feels weird to say i felt like the feelings could come back even when you were talking about kelly because that isnt true. it's more that when you were being vulnerable with me, talking genuinely, being open, it felt awful trying to be supportive when i didnt know how to do that without omitting a certain part of myself. i guess maybe that's what jealousy is, or envy. anyway, ive been having an awful time whenever im around you not because im disappointed in you or because i think less of you, its because i liked you and i feel like it could come back if i stay friends with you the way that we are friends.

i asked a lot of people for advice on this, on what to say to someone who has been dealing with a lot like you are, when i dont want to burden you or abandon you. because i really dont, i really value you as a person. youre kind and smart and you listen and no one is perfect, everyone makes mistakes. i thought that that image i had of you broke before, and maybe it did. but youre still you, i like our friendship the same way i did before. whatever advice anyone gave me, i kept coming up blank. my instinct with these sorts of things often is to sacrifice as much as i can, and i wanted to sacrifice my conflicting emotions towards you and the aggravation of how difficult it was hearing everything for being there for you. but ive known for a while i havent been able to listen or talk with you without my thoughts and feelings clouding my head. i tried for a while, and i was happy to be a friend.

im sorry, really, to make this more complicated than it has already been for you. but you deserve the truth, i deserve to get it off my chest, and to have any chance of giving barrio our best effort for the org, i think it's right to tell you. lets stay friends for a long time, okay? its a weird feeling for me right now, but maybe itll be good to just focus on ourselves for a bit, work on the show as co-chairs and then hang out more when things make a bit more sense for us respectively.

i realize now that when i was telling you when you care or like someone as much as you were describing you feel for kelly, you should try to make it work. i think staying friends like how we are was something i was doing for myself, maybe holding onto something that wasnt really there for no other reason than to pretend that things were fine. i couldnt say that im glad you cut kelly off because it would be hypocritical, i dont want to cut you off as a friend. but shes right, youre right, and i promised to myself and everyone around me that i would stop pretending everything was ok if things werent when i came back to school. and right now, our friendship isnt ok. i feel sorry for leaving you to have one less person to lean on, but i dont think ive been much help recently anyways.

im sorry, again, for everything. ive held back a lot of what i really think or how i really reacted, im sorry for that too although that probably doesnt signify a big difference for you. and im sorry that youve been having such a hard time for so long, it hasnt just been senior year that was hard, im sure. i hope that the rest of the semester can be a lot more peaceful and forgiving. dont punish yourself anymore for things you cant change, just look forward and take care of yourself. lean on yourself and feel confident in your feelings and truth. thats all i hope for for you.

[mhagnolia]

something about love always makes this all painful for me. it emerges when i feel grateful i didn’t lose her after all. or when it obviously makes me suffer. i see it in the way my shoulders hurt or i get insecure and quiet. i cower in their presence and chew on my tongue. i feel it with gentle touches that last seconds and are gone forever afterward. i hold my love to myself like it exists to be and just is unrequited. what does it mean to share it? what prevents me from holding onto someone else tightly? why do i not want it anymore?

[mhagnolia]

thinking. ill sacrifice whatever i think. just tell me and ill do it and betray myself, it feels that way so intense and in that is what creates meaning? for you and me and everyone. i want to be wanted. look at me and say youd give up even just the smallest piece of yourself for me and i would stay here for so so long. i just want to know the truth, that is what i am most hungry for, that moment where everything i feel is in your hands and instead of being afraid or not ready, you hold what i feel for all its fragility and all its strength and say its enough for you. if i let down my walls will you recognize me. it seems so damning and exposing to act candidly, but there is nothing else i can do. i like what you ask of me. i like your intensity. that is strength too. wow. i cant believe im still here typing these sorts of words for you, still. i want to see you and i want you to tell me honestly, everything.

[mhagnolia]

it feels like no matter what conclusion i come to and how sure and adamant, im always coming back to how you make me feel. i knew things were over before because of you, youre one of the reasons i havent been able to tell people. i feel like i need to tell someone. i wish it could be you. and thats okay. but i never will tell you, and thats a promise im making to myself.

[mhagnolia]

a promise im making to myself ... what sort of meaning does this promise have to me now? when im walking home in the cold, stressed and overwhelmed and begging in my head for more. i want to always feel that naked and exposed to you, but to know deep down that i am safe. this push and pull, where even in this existential de-grounding, i am interested in the ways you will inevitably pull me back into you.

have you ever thought of me like how i think of you? have you ever craved being near me in the way that i waited for you that day in april? have you ever felt a weird sort of solace in my eyes? i am so afraid of you thinking little of me, all i want is to measure up to someone you respect. its almost like you worship this work, and i also too want to be a project you lose yourself in. i want this confusion to turn into a certainty. the catharsis im looking for is vulnerability and frictionless truth. i dont think itll go away unless i force it. touch me move me. argue with me. tell me im wrong show me why and love me regardless. tell me im wrong and that it doesnt matter, very few hold that power over me and i want it to be you who saya this sort of thing to me. to tell me im doing a good job. i live to impress you, it means a lot to me.

[mhagnolia]

no matter how hard i try, it feels that i always need to allow myself a moment of indulgence. i always think of that time i saw you when i was looking for you. it was just chance, but im grateful that chance brought us together. i let myself feel like a kid. like butterflies were in my stomach for once. first time in a long time. when should i let you go? when is it fair. when is it the right thing to do. how do i do it?

[mhagnolia]

how do i do it?

[mhagnolia]

i have held onto this crush for so long i need to let go :(

[mhagnolia]

it happens sometimes, very seldom, but sometimes when i look back on an entry and just laugh at the irony. of course...of course! of course he would confide in me! in me! about his feelings for a different girl! that isn't his girlfriend! of course, i am the one to listen! i wish i could have just walked out. i really hope i do not ever have to forgive him, i don't know in my stomach right now how to get there. i want so desperately to see the way back to comfortability, to having a simmering crush that can go away at some point because he is committed and loyal. but i have to face the reality that at some point soon, he may be single, and i am not the person he wants. i am not the person he wants. i am not who he wanted to cheat with. god. i'm glad im not, through and through i am, i cant imagine how awful it would feel if i was.

at the back of my head, i still feel guilty though. turning him away from both girls, leaving myself available, i might as well have a big sign above my head with an arrow pointing down saying pick me! me! i can give you what you want!

but that doesn't even feel right. i want an apology. i want to admire him again. i want to want him to want me again. that desire has changed, i saw in a broken cracked mirror how awful that truth actually is. fortunately its still hidden. my private wish. its unsafe to let out now, still unsafe. will it ever come out? that's the part i do not know.

i wonder if this will be another post i will look at with irony. like a dry laugh, sardonically warning my past self of what is to come.

ideally, in a better world, what would it be? would i get what i want? would my feelings just finally go away? is that possible? i couldn't say for sure, at least not in this specific moment.

i think, ideally, we work together for the coming months. successful, no friction, no danger of my secret getting out, no closeness that crosses boundaries. a few moments that let me imagine and lay these feelings to rest (finally!). he resolves his issues on his own, only shows me his emotional strength. his weaknesses are shared with someone else. he protects himself, i protect himself. i care about him, i only want him to be happy and fine. that's a part of this wish, too. i get wrapped up with someone else. i'm always aching to fall in love. something happens or someone happens and one day, whether sooner or later, we can laugh about it all. and we can be friends again. friends to each other, friends in a way that doesn't hurt like this.

i hope the irony is that i expect, 100% for it all to unfold in a completely different way, and yet it happens just like i predicted. i hope so desperately that i keep my feelings inside. no matter what, katrina. it isn't you. he hasn't ever wanted you and will never. and how are we so sure? because we will never know. we will never know. we will never know and nothing will be said, so be sure that he has never wanted you. i know you wish it was different, i know you are jealous. i know you still think of your head in the crook of his neck. it'll go away soon. it'll go away and things will pass like they always do.

[mhagnolia]

i keep imagining myself arching my head into the crook of his shoulder and neck. just his bare chest and his arms around me, face contorted and concentrating, im just aching for that closeness. i just wish he was holding me around my shoulders and that i was feeling him everywhere. i keep imagining and saying his name, i want him to hear me, deep somewhere inside i wish he knew this. the secret, guilty, hidden part of myself. i want him to know all i want at night is for him to be inside of me. fuck i just cant stop myself from wanting it. i need something so bad i want so much, i just wish he was single. i just thought of him for hours this weekend, holding me telling me he knows and i just cant wait everyday to imagine him kissing me after class and etc etc, i just want someone to want me the way i want them i guess. i wish i could do something about this.

[mhagnolia]

ohhhhh you stupid stupid girl. u are wishing wars upon yourself. battles that cannot be won. sigh.

[mhagnolia]

there's something crazy perfect about you.

i'd die and fall apart anonymous

in the corner seat of an empty train

if it meant the only way to feel an angel embrace

[mhagnolia]

all it takes is like one text 😭😭😭 im soooo fucked

[mhagnolia]

dries my hair, plays the drums

[mhagnolia]

are you man enough, are you man enough

[mhagnolia]

girl i love you more than the whole big wide world. i love you. i want you to get better and be happy and have all the things you want to happen, happen. find someone who loves you and dries your hair and drives you around and can get you off. who feels like reading a gothic novel and who makes you want to eat their heart out. i love you, girl. woman, girl. i love you, those words are for you, i love you.

[mhagnolia]

we hung out and i felt nothing, isnt that so awesome

[mhagnolia]

i used to think that the only way to act or draw or dance was to do it as best as possible

[mhagnolia]

thinking about the same guy...but also getting icked every time he texts. so its not him. he's not the one. the version of him in my mind feels like it though.

been giving my ideal type a lot of thought.

id like someone mysterious, austere in tone and attitude but gentle and kind on the inside. truly kind, one of the kindest people in the entire world if not the kindest. intelligent. someone that can keep up with me and my dreams, has enough energy to chase after me and their own desires and wishes. energy. someone that grounds me, that i can rely on when things get hard and i am scared and i dont know where to go. i dont want us to be able to completely read each other. i want to be learning about their depths for forever, for as long as possible. reliable, successful, someone i admire. that feeling of admiration and awe. talkative, yet mysterious to me at first. can talk earnestly and plenty, because they have their own opinions and expression and connection is everything, all that we have. someone i can walk around a museum with and won't feel insecure. someone who walks in front of me when j walking on manhattan streets. someone who is just the right amount of spontaneous, whose touch on the temperature is feather light yet entirely understanding. someone who can get a drink with you and also be sober when they want and feel comfortable with that. someone who can get along with my family.