I'm home!
I'll make a video soon. I should end this blog on a conclusive note.

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@miatheramenmonger
I'm home!
I'll make a video soon. I should end this blog on a conclusive note.
I’m in a strange limbo between my two worlds.
I want to go home. More than anything, I want to go home to my family in Eugene. My friends can’t wait to be reunited with me, and I, them. I’ll be thrilled to see my actual family as well, of course, but there’s nothing else and no one else like Eugene and its inhabitants. I need to go home to them. I’m going to cry like a maniac, as are they. We’re going to drink and smoke and be lazy and be merry, and move me from my current apartment to the next. I don’t know how we’ll manage all of it, but I have more love and support waiting for me in Eugene than I ever imagined. I’m so happy to be so missed.
Santa Monica, too, is a whole world of its own. There are things waiting for me there both comforting and frightening in more forms than one. I’m mainly coming home to see my brother, my parents, Ryan and Molly. Cheyton is a bonus. And I just remembered Caitlin is in LA. I can’t wait.
But I’m still here. I’m still finishing out my life in Japan. Tonight, at the last Niji nomikai, I soaked in all of the sights and sounds that so fondly accompany Daruma. I didn’t have to say goodbye to anyone, not yet. I’m going to Natsu Camp, after all. But still.
In the week that everyone finished up their finals, they all changed their hair. Literally, all of them. Cuts, dyes, perms. Tans from Okinawa, too. Everyone looked so different and jarringly unfamiliar and it had only been a week. I’m so attached to their faces, to their presence, but they feel so surreal as well. I love them so much in my own way. And yet my feelings for them can't even begin to compare to my affection for those back home.
This is a strange sort of limbo.
Konpeki no Sora
Conner found the lyrics to Waseda's fight song in hiragana! I'm keeping them here for future reference.
こんぺきのそら あおぐにちり こうきあまねき でんとうのもと すぐりしせいえい とうしはもえて りそうのおうざを しむるものわれら わせだ わせだ はしゃ はしゃ わせだ せいしゅんのとき のぞむえいこう いりょくてきなき せいかのほこり みよこのじんとう かんきあふれて りそうのおうざを しむるものわれら わせだ わせだ はしゃ はしゃ わせだ
My subconscious seems to be finished with nightmares about Luca, and now it's moved on to dreams about people I actually care about. Really strangely crisp and clear dreams, these last couple of nights. Two nights ago I dreamed that Carlee published her first novel. Last night I dreamed that I came running home to be reunited with Izzy. There's some other stuff, too, like living through arcade games and tournaments held by immortals that makes the dreams even more exciting, and there's always a romantic entanglement of some sort that gets lost in the shuffle of the dreamscape. I just love sleeping without having to wake up to an alarm. Alarms are the bane of dreams.
My inane Pokemon theme song alarm is a non-issue for the next week or so, as I have now finished with finals and am simply savoring my free time left in the city. Sleeping in, going on adventures, stuffing myself with food. I have decided, after all this time, that I will be coming back to Japan. As difficult as it is to be tall and fat in this country, I love myself enough to make it work. The next big step will be a year with the JET Programme, ideally. But I need some quality time in the states before then. I just know that I can't live without Japan, for all its faults and all of mine.
Here's a screenshot of Katsuki calling me cute. In English, the conversation is as follows (and granted, I totally set him up to respond this way): Him: That stamp is cute. Me: Isn't it? Since I can't be cute, I might as well have cute stamps. Him: What are you saying? You can be cute! You're cute. And then I told him to stop tormenting me. Alas.
Tonight, I made a memory I don't want to forget. To celebrate the conclusion of finals, we set up tarps in Yoyogi Park and promptly -- presumably -- started drinking. Yeah, same park as the ohanami in April. That in itself felt nostalgic enough. Anyway. Despite the mere 10% chance of rain, thunder rolled closer and lightening struck brighter and inevitably it started pouring. That was fun. We were a little drunk (some more than others) so instead of leaving right away, we stood under the tarps, laughing and taking swigs of Allegra's vodka as the downpour pressed on. I was the only one with an umbrella, so when we eventually abandoned the grass, I peeled off my tights and sprinted through the mud, giddy as can be. After that we stood under the awnings of the restrooms, giggling and staring out at the rain. Finally, we decided to frolic. Umbrella abandoned, I bolted out into the storm. We relinquished ourselves to the pouring (heavy, one might say) rain and went for a walk, skipping and prancing until we came to the manmade lake in the middle of Yoyogi park. At first we stood on the edge, soaking in the storm, and then Spencer figured out that the lake was only a foot or so deep. You see where this story is going? So, I slipped off my shoes and lowered myself into the lake over the wooden fence. We trudged through the water to the underwater platform where a colorful fountain resides. Now, this is a signature Yoyogi fountain. It spouts water at varying levels and it lights up in every shade of the rainbow. So, naturally, we decided to stand underneath it. That was the happiest I've been in forever. That was the best memory I've made thus far. Just standing under the fountain in the rain, soaked through to the bone, my dress and my hair a sopping mess. The fountain lit up around us like a resounding chorus of colors. We were positively ecstatic. Is there any other way to feel in a moment like that? We noticed just after the fact that my big toe and Julianne's hands had been cut over the course of our underwater trek. The next hour was spent trying to stifle the blood with tissues and towels, and we laughed through the dull, leaky pain, spirits held high. Later, Anne and Allegra got sick. Seba, Sarah, Riku and I stayed behind with them. I held Allegra's hand all the way back to the station as soon as she was ready. My hair dried well enough, but my dress has yet to catch up. The stinging in my toe should subside as soon as I get home, shower and thoroughly clean out the wound. In the meantime, though, I'm happy. I think we're all really, excessively happy. We did something special today. We made a memory that matters.
For those of you I have not yet told, I ended my relationship with Luca for good. I won't bore you with details that don't really matter, but suffice it to say that in a single evening at karaoke he proved to me that nothing has changed and nothing will, and that forcing ourselves to stay friends is nothing but toxic for both of us. Especially me. So we said our last goodbyes. I'd like to say I'm not bitter, but I am. I think I need to allow myself to be bitter for a while in order to deal with, and ideally let go of the poisonous resentment I've been living with since I left him. I never really forgave him or stopped being furious with him, turns out. This is surprising only to me. My friends knew me better than that. I just needed to figure it out for myself, I think. And now I have. I will be a better person without him, and he without me.
DID EREN JUST FUCKING DIE?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?
Bijou watching SNK for the first time. My baby. They grow up so fast.
Friends. First photo, in the back from the left: Riku, Chul, Katsuki, me. In front from the left: Dana, Julianne and Kento.
I forgot how hard it is not to say anything when you like someone. Like, my immediate response to wanting someone is to let them know that I want them. Like, fair warning. But I probably won't say anything this time. If I do, it'll be more for my own sake than his. Alas! I have lots of love to look forward to in the near future.
Photos from the Tanabata Niji no Kai cruise. I wore a yukata. Photos edited by the LINE Camera App.
ジブリ美術館。
From the Ghibli Museum. I'll post more photos shortly.
The Farewell Party Etc.
The Farewell Party last night was pretty incredible. Dancing, drinking, performances (including by me and my friends), crying, etc. We sang a group rendition of the Anna Kendrick (originally Lulu and the Lampshades) version of "Cups (You're Gonna Miss Me)," 'cause it's actually a really popular song here; funny, considering Molly and I performed the same song at a Pali High showcase years ago. Keiko and Kento did a few fantastic, nearly professional dance numbers, both on the stage with friends and on the dance floor. When Hinako fell asleep in the back room I lent her my cardigan to keep warm. Yohei danced with me and Allegra and we gushed about how cute his smile is, reminiscing about when we first met him at one of the early Niji nomikai in April. (Speaking of, Allegra and I are in a really good place now; not bosom-buddy-default-friends, but real, genuinely good friends.)
When we watched another emotionally murderous farewell video and everyone broke down crying, I hugged and kissed all of my most precious friends; Mayu, Myongsu, Atchan, Yuito, Masami, Keiko, Hinako, Riku, Saiki -- even Taigo gave me a giant, lasting hug. When I ruffled Atchan's hair as I walked by, he caught my arm and I kissed the top of his head and he made me promise that we'd drink with the OUS group again before I leave. I squeezed his hand and promised.
At one point, as the wee hours of the morning approached four, Taigo sat down across the table from Yuito, Allegra and I, and settled in for a nap with his head in his arms. A ryuugakusei I'd seen before but never met plopped down beside Taigo with a fresh bottle of booze and started shouting at him to wake. I told the guy -- let's call him Bigrubberdildo -- to stop, and to let Taigo rest. He responded belligerently, insisting that since Taigo had organized this event, he wasn't allowed to nap (the logic behind which I promptly took issue with). Bigrubberdildo managed to get Taigo to lift his head, so, quickly losing patience, I told BRD to back off and Taigo to go back to sleep. Taigo did just that, but BRD was somewhat less cooperative. He continued to argue with me, using childish, incoherent logic, and when I tried to laugh it off he said he didn't think it was so funny. He made some very rude, very subtly misogynistic comments about the irrelevance of my opinions; I stopped arguing and started fantasizing about Batgirl-esque, violent ass-kicking scenarios. I looked at Allegra exasperatedly; she was just as appalled as I was but, like me, lacked the energy to pursue the situation any further. Finally, Bigrubberdildo woke up Taigo yet again, who acted very patiently unperturbed as BRD proceeded to talk up a storm, undoubtedly attempting to retell our interaction in Japanese. He must have said something about what I'd done, because when I gave Taigo an apologetic nod, he smiled and shook his head; when he managed to escape from Bigrubberdildo by climbing over the booth behind us, he bent over to thank me; then he thanked me again when he hugged me, and again after the party via LINE. I wish I'd hit the guy, but still, I'm satisfied. I tried, and Taigo was happy that I tried.
I realized that all I really want is to leave a lasting impression here. I don't want to be forgotten so easily. As long as everyone I care about has at least one precious memory of me to hold onto, I'm happy. It's the little things that last.
Here's a picture of me, Mayu, and Katsuki -- the guy I like -- from the Farewell Party last night. When I say "like," know that I fully understand the futility of such a sentiment in such a temporary situation, but still. Turns out I'm a bit of a shotacon. He's unbelievably sweet and cute and wonderful and I really just want to gobble him up. Adding to the profound hopelessness of my feelings, he has a girlfriend. Julianne told me yesterday. It made me sad, but again, I had no real expectations to begin with, so it's a bummer but hardly a loss. I just like liking him. Sometimes when I look at him in the midst of separate interactions across the room, he looks at me. It means a lot to me. I want to treasure this brief moment of knowing and liking him. I'd like to be with someone like him someday.
On the right of me is Mayu, my beautiful friend. She's dating Kevin, my ryuugakusei friend who sort of looks and acts like Buster Bluth. They're a sweet couple. She's one of the select few Japanese girls I can stand. She's an absolute doll and she's bursting with personality and delectable sweetness. She doesn't like speaking English, but she understands it nearly perfectly. She laughs at all of Kevin's stupid jokes. I want to treasure my time with her as well.
So, I'm feeling pretty weird about Luca being here, as it turns out. I spent a solid hour on the train back home last night feeling sick to my stomach about it and trying to work out why. I figured, it's kind of like I'm dipping my toes in a swamp I crawled out of three years ago and suddenly those boys are grabbing at my ankles. What I mean is, they haven't changed since high school. Haven't grown at all, as far as I can tell. And they keep bringing up people and memories that I had no intention of ever revisiting. And Colin's still an intolerable little prick. And Luca still looks at me with those "someday" eyes. And I'd be lying if I said I didn't encourage him. The decision to dip my toes in that goddamn swamp is entirely mine.
Whenever we're around each other we revert, if only physically, to how we were with each other before. Like, before we even dated, back when we were still best friends in middle school. And that'd be fine, except we did date, and he sort of ruined me for a really long time, leading up to and including now. And this is the thought that occurred to me in that regard, as melodramatic as it may seem: he is the closest thing I have ever had (or likely will ever have) to an abuser. I escaped from him, and I left him behind, and now the thought of him catching up and approaching me again, be it physically or emotionally, is nauseating. But as with any case of abuse, my feelings are more complicated than that.
I don't want him flirting with any of my friends here, 'cause that's a sore spot for me, but at the same time I don't want him flirting with me 'cause, y'know, it literally makes me sick. His last girlfriend cheated on him and left him to live with one of his best friends, and I'm sorry for him but there is a palpably large part of me that relishes the karmic vengeance entwined with his suffering. And I feel sick about him being here and casting this shadow of my past over my present, my friends and my life here, but I still want to cling to the idea that we can be friends just like we were before, that we can explore Shibuya in search of TWEWY landmarks without him looking at me the way he does. But he does.
The other day, he and his friends were supposed to meet me at the train station within twenty minutes. They made me wait for over an hour. I had no way of getting in touch with them, so I had no idea if they'd even boarded the right train, or died, or whatever. I couldn't just leave, couldn't stomach the thought of them showing up with no clue where I'd gone or where to go or how to get there or anywhere else. I wouldn't leave, even if they never showed up. So I just stood there and waited, my hunger and anger growing evermore tangible. Dana had been waiting for us at the lounge, and I told her to go on ahead. I blew up at Izzy, instead of calmly approaching the conversation I'd wanted to have with her. I teared up, furious, as soon as the four of those stupid boys appeared at the top of the escalator in perfectly good spirits, seemingly unaware of how long they'd made me wait for them. And Luca smiled at me with those sad, sorry eyes and I turned and stormed ahead without a single word to any of them. They followed behind me in silence, like dogs who knew they'd done their master wrong. Finally, I snapped at Luca in the 7/11. And as it turns out, they were late -- not for any rational reason, like having gotten lost on the way or boarded the wrong train going in the opposite direction or anything understandable like that, no -- simply because they'd dawdled. They'd taken their sweet fucking time. Luca knew I'd been waiting for them at a station twenty minutes away, and still, it took those assholes over an hour to get to me. And I was so angry, mostly at myself for having waited on idiots and made Dana wait and blown up at Izzy, but I was even more overwhelmingly angry that, after all this time, absolutely nothing has changed. While I've been in Eugene, working to become a better person, Luca's been in Santa Monica spending all of his time with the same fucking idiots, and he hasn't learned so much as consideration, responsibility for his actions or even basic courtesy. And I don't know why I expected more from him, but I did.
I'm not the same person I was in high school. Not even close. I look at old pictures and I feel like I'm staring at someone else entirely. The basics of my self are all there: the hair, the happy faces and the unsubtly sad ones, the poses, the body I hated so much at the time. But the people in those photos aren't my people anymore. I barely know any of them now, including myself. The me in those photos is a stranger just as well. That sad little girl with a bad haircut who desperately loved and defended her abuser.
And now he's here. Not just in pictures, but in my present. I see myself in those purikura above, the self that I learned to love and to be deserving of love, that only emerged when I left him; the self that found a family and a life in Eugene, grew from shattered foundations with the strength of my friends and bloomed entirely anew. And that old boyfriend from high school who ruined my youth is standing in those pictures with me -- the present me, that I worked so hard to cultivate without him -- and I can't properly convey how fucking terrifying that is.
Ultimately, I don't think I can adequately explain just how complex my emotions are in this realm, as I'm still clawing my way through them, but the gist is this: being around Luca makes me feel ill. I attribute this to the emotional abuse I sustained by him, recovered from, and am now being reminded of by just how unchanged he is. I don't think spending a lot of time with him here will be good for me, so I will spend a little bit of time with him -- as much as I can take -- and then I'll be done with him. Ideally for good. I want this trip, this climactic dream of ours to run around Japan together, to be the long-awaited end of our story. I need to accept that things will never be the same between us as they were back then, back when he handed me his iPod and I listened to "Mad World" on repeat all sixth period. I'll never be the same as I was.
Photos from the pub crawl. Up top from the left: Venese, me, Ainslie, Joey. Then from the right, me, Harry, Venese and Daniel.