In the early days of opening our marriage, we did our best to keep it a secret. Just the men she was with knowing. It scared the hell out of me if she went on a date in our town, anywhere close to home. It still gives me anxiety. The fear of a friend of mine, a colleague or a client seeing her with another man.
We hid it from the kids. Lied when she was out. Out with girlfriends. On a work trip. Then she'd come home full of sexual energy and happiness, and we'd end up talking about him. The current guy. The one she'd just been with.
At some point we decided to stay discreet about the sexual parts... after all, even inside a marriage, what happens between adults is nobody else's business. But the hiding felt wrong. It made us feel like we were doing something shameful when we didn't see it that way at all.
So we stopped lying. She's away with her friend Grant. Out to dinner with our friend Greg. Simple as that. She could talk about them without it feeling like we had to be careful about saying another mans name.
We've been doing this fifteen years now. It started shortly after we got married, though the fantasy and the bedroom talk came long before that. We didn't know what any of it was called. We just knew she wanted to keep having sex with other men even inside a serious relationship, even when married. And that aroused me more than anything else ever had. That she was...well a woman who needed more. A slutty wife, and I mean that as the highest compliment I know how to give.
Her current guy, Grant. They've been together nearly five years. She's told friends she has a boyfriend on the side. A few of her close friends, our kids, some family, they have met him. My wife and Grant are discreet in the ways they can be, but if you watch closely it's obvious they're more than friends.
Her girlfriends were excited to meet him. They'd heard so much about him.
Humiliating or arousing? Both. At the same time, always. I have a hard time saying I like humiliation. I want to believe she doesn't intentionally degrade me or hurt me. Who wants to be humiliated, right?
But then the arousal arrives anyway. The feeling of being exposed. Of being the lesser man in the room. Of knowing she's being fucked better than I can fuck her. I guess that all falls under humiliation.
So I guess I like it, or at least my body does, which might be the same thing.
I've felt shame about my sexuality most of my life. Even with cuckolding, even after all these years. There's nothing I want more than to be a proud cuckold. Most of the time I am. What I don't want is the shame. I don't like to feel the shame and the shame doesn't arouse me.
It's complicated. It probably always will be. That's part of what growth looks like, I think. Part of what acceptance costs. It's me being a cuckold.
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