midnight thoughts @midnightbedroom - Tumblr Blog

I loved you in a way I wished someone would love me.

Here I am again

Planning for things I should've planned in advance.

I have let this season of my life be "Let God," and to be honest, it's been so fulfilling. Just knowing that God's hand is in my life is the most reassuring thing ever.

My trip to Phoenix has confirmed so many things for me. How God is so amazing and so faithful. The things He made me go through has provided me with so much clarity. Honestly, without that hard season, I would be so much worse off.

Driving almost 6 hours was brutal but honestly, it was so worth it. Seeing my friends who I haven't seen in a while and going on a solo trip has been amazing. The cherry on top was seeing Iowa — so grateful to see God's actions first hand.

I have never been so blessed and so grateful.

This new chapter is my life is so exciting, and I cannot wait to see what God has for me.

nothingspecialjustasoul

Suddenly I don't want anyone to know me as deeply anymore, which is weird because I have always yearned for someone to understand my soul

I'm starting to give up.

The signs are literally in bold red letters, yet I'm still clinging onto this beacon of hope that somehow you still care.

I understand that life has you in a trance where everything around you is a priority, but what about me? What about all the times you said you would take care of me? To provide me? To love me?

When have I ever shorted you? Or let alone, prove that I'm not worthy of your time or love?

So what about me?

Are you not investing time in me because you don't see a future?

I don't even know if you still want this.

I don't know if you still want us.

I can't live like this anymore.

No wonder your ex left you. You don't put effort in at all.

Honestly, I hate coming on here and writing all of this down.

It just documents all the pain I've been feeling and all the shame. The "I should've known better" or the "didn't you learn this?" phases always gets me.

But it's true. I should've known better because I learned it already. Yet again, I choose to self-sabotage. I choose be hurt. I choose another person that's not me. Haven't I had enough?

Haven't I had enough hurt feelings that I should stop it before I continue to hurt myself? I know I'm hurting. I know that this isn't healthy, but why can't I walk away?

Why do I choose to stay and continuously be hurt? Why do I continue to persevere through the unnecessary pain? Why do I keep giving love that isn't deserved?

Don't I deserve better? Why do I keep loving the broken ones that can't love me the same way I do them? Why do I cry out for love that will never find its way back to me? Am I really undeserving? Am I meant to walk this path alone?

Why is it so infuriating? Why does my heart and mind always conflict? It's never aligned.

Why can't I let go?

I feel you losing interest in me.

I told myself to walk away every time I know I don't deserve this type of treatment. But why can't I uphold these promises to myself? Why can't I treat myself the way I treat you?

I give myself very little every time. Always expecting things will change or will evolve very soon if I just do better or I treat you better.

Why is it that every time I fall for someone, I always get the short end of the stick? Why can't I love someone who I know will give me the same effort as I do? Why can't the person I get in a relationship understand how to be in a relationship? Why do I always prepare them for their next?

Is it because I already how love is supposed to be? Is that why I was chosen to teach them? Is that why my heart is so full of love to give to someone else but not myself?

When can I deserve that requited love?

Is there anything else I have to do? One more trial? One more relationship?

I want to love freely. I want to settle down and have a family. I want to provide and care for my family. I want to be a hopeless romantic.

Is that too much to ask for something great?

I prayed for you.

I cried for you.

Why can't you feel the same?

Why can't you care the same?

Why?

It feels like I'm gonna come back here more often that I thought.

Everyday hurts to stay with you or even to have a conversation with you. It hurts me to wait for a response or to even think about you and what you're doing. I feel so unloved and unwanted.

Do you not get that? Do you not understand?

Did you let go already?

You say these things to me and make me believe them. You pull away every time. You give me breadcrumbs and yet I still crave them.

Why are you letting me feel this way?

You said you love me; you said you'll be here with me; you said you care for me; you said the circumstances shouldn't matter.

Yet why are you hurting me?

Why are you hurting me?

Why am I letting you hurt me?

People don't ask for reassurance if they feel safe.

God said, "Love your enemies."

And so I did.

I started loving myself.

Do you still love me?

Will you still love me?

Am I still lovable?

We talked for a long time since a long time.

At least we actually got to hash it down and speak about things when we're in a better state of mind.

I'm grateful that you were able, and I'm grateful that you're here.

The expectations you place on relationships are not the side of the relationship you have to carry.

You told me to keep writing. So here I am.

I've always had trouble expressing my feelings in person but do way better when I write it down. I guess it's a habit and also something I learned while growing up. I've been raised in a household where we shouldn't talk unless it's needed. Writing was the only outlet to release my feelings elsewhere besides it living in my head.

As I grew up, I focused on communicating better than how I was taught. Speak when possible and do it with conviction. Words can be interpreted in different ways so be careful on your choice of words. Diction and grammar is important to get your point across, so be precise and don't add anything more.

But you told me to write again.

I don't know why I stopped or how I lost my interest. Yet one phrase from you changed me.

Iowa, you draw something out of me that no one else can.

Thank you for being my #1 supporter.

Motorcycles

I've always hated bikes.

I just couldn't bring myself to like them.

But why is it that I started to take interest in them when I met you?

Why am I so drawn to you when we just met a couple months ago?

Why do I love the little things about you?

Your electric blue eyes and your perfect smile gets me all the time. I love the way your hair has its own mind and how it falls perfectly on your head. The way the ends of your lips curl into a smile, and the natural way how your cheeks blush pink. Your cute little mole by your smile line and the other one by your eyebrow. The way your eyes crinkle when you smile and how your k9's show when you do. The way your beard grows so fast and how you never want to shave off your mustache. Your small little pinky that never healed from that accident. Your small sideburns that you thought I won't notice. The way some parts of your hair is naturally lighter than the rest of your body. Your divided chin and your divided pointy nose. Your love for hawaiian shirts. Your cute Spotify playlists. The way you don't know how to spell or type fast enough. The fact that you don't like Apple products. The fact that you like calling me by my first name when nobody else does.

You seriously have no idea how much effect you have on me, Iowa.

You're making me fall for you deeply everyday. And I'm just letting you take my heart.

I'm always making plans.

Plans.

Why does life have to be so far from you?

Why can't we just settle this and live together?

New Again

Here I am, back here with another man in my life.

I really thought he was the one until physical separation got to the both of us. It honestly open my eyes to everything and saw how toxic it really was. Everyone around me says they're so happy to see me be "free." Isn't that weird? Weird because I didn't see it until I actually left? Weird because I didn't know it was a form of "abuse" until someone else told me it was?

Yeah, weird, right?

Is it my fault I've been blinded when I told myself that this will not happen again 4 years ago? Is it my fault that I failed to recognize the signs of manipulation 4 years ago? Is it my fault that I've held on to something so long thinking I can change him? Is it my fault?

This relationship taught me a lot in the sense of learning self-worth and discernment. If I have never been through this, I would've just continued being treated less than I deserve. So, yes, there was a purpose to this whole relationship. It might have ended, but it served as a reminder that I can restart even if I had invested so much time in it.

It was good. I have nothing else to say.

Thank you for 4 years, Daniel.

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