Everything Is Copacetic

personal blog turned ED blog. i know it’s a mess, step over it. sw, height: 183 lbs, 5’6" cw: 122 lbs gw1: 155 lbs gw2: 135 lbs ugw: 110-115 lbs

[midnightly-musings]

i have nowhere else to put this

i haven’t been on this blog in a long time bc i’ve been attempting to get into a better mind state for recovery. but right now i just need to vent where no one i know will see it.

i got myself into a love triangle of sorts and so did my roommate at about the same time. i remember joking “watch me end up alone at the end of all this” LOL WHY DID I HAVE TO BE RIGHT?? except now my roomie is basically cuffed and has this amazing guy who’s really into her and does all this nice stuff and i can’t help but think there’s got to be something inherently unlovable about me. one of the guys i was with is beautiful and we have a great physical relationship but that’s as far as it goes. the other and i had probably the best connection i’d ever felt with a potential partner, except for the fact that he’s made a habit of regularly standing me up and ignoring me.

how can i not feel unlovable in all of this? especially when my roommate, who was going through the exact same situation, ends up with a near fairytale ending and i can’t help but be jealous and resentful.

and through all of this, i’ve wanted nothing more than to hurt myself. but i can’t do it in a way that’s physically obvious bc anyone i sleep with is going to see that and it’ll be bad news. so my only options are to go back to smoking cigarettes (which is expensive and probably won’t satisfy me) or fall way far back in my ED and fuck up any slight progress i might have made. i can’t win.

oh and i still have to be a stellar student on top of it all when most of me kind of just wants to die rn. live love college 🤪🤙

[midnightly-musings]

at this point i wouldn’t even care if my ed took my life

it’s taken so much from me already so what’s a little more? i know there are people i’d leave behind that really care about me, i understand that.

but i’m so tired. i’m tired of being at war with myself every day. and i don’t have the energy or the willpower to recover. i’m tired of being stuck.

all i can do now is fantasize about my heart stopping.

[midnightly-musings]

my eating disorder has cost me my best friend

temporarily.

we both suffer from versions of bulimia, but she has gotten to the point where she’s scared for her own safety. so she’s decided to step back from people who trigger her disorder in any way. unfortunately that includes me. i’m conflicted between wanting to do everything in my power to help her through this, and simultaneously knowing my being there would make it worse. but at the same time, she was the only person i could talk to about the day to day shit that comes along with this disorder.

i never thought my disorder would cost me my friends and my support. it really hit me hard how fucked up i am. i want to get better but idk if i’m ready :(

[midnightly-musings]

musing

i jokingly call myself fat in a self-deprecating way and the response i usually get from my friends is a well-intentioned “shut the hell up, you’re not.”

but the truth is, i’ve been overweight my whole life. even right now, when i’m at my lowest weight in probably 6+ years, i still see myself as fat. and i will probably see myself as fat until i can see my bones without sucking in. because fat is all i’ve ever known since childhood.

how fucked up is that?

[txnybxnes]

Me when I’ve been fasting and stand up too quickly but it’s,,,spooky season:

[shiveringbone]

Alright my drunk friends

Beer-154 cal per can

Gin-73 cal per ounce

Vodka- 64 cal per ounce

Whiskey-70 cal per ounce

Wine-24 cal per ounce

[whenpetal]

y'all ever have that sort of realization moment when you’re just like:

this is my life.

i have an eating disorder.

my eating disorder controls me.

it effects my life negatively.

i never thought it would come to this.

it was never my plan to have an eating disorder.

although here i am.

is this even real?

[midnightly-musings]

it’s a competition

sometimes it’s a game that i have to win

if someone tells me they haven’t eating in X amount of time, i have to fast for double that

i have to be better at not eating than everyone else

after all, i’m the one with the disorder right?

[midnightly-musings]

life update?

wow it’s been a hot minute since i’ve posted. i’d like to excuse my absence as just going back to college and being really busy but that’s not the whole story.

the last three or so weeks i’ve been falling into a pretty violent binge/restrict cycle and frankly during this time i was ashamed to come back to tumblr. i was terrified of facing how much weight i must’ve gained that i put off even buying a scale for over a week. anxiety got the better of me and i got one. when it finally came and i got on it i was pleasantly surprised: i hadn’t gained anything! granted i wasn’t losing weight but given the way i had been eating i took that to be positive.

since then i’ve passed my first goal weight! i said i’d post pics once i passed my first gw but i think i’m still not 100% comfortable doing that just yet.

one of the hardest things about restricting/fasting at school is that my roommate and i eat together fairly often and we’re usually home around the same times so i can’t just go puke it up. the other hard thing is that now that i’m at school, i’m back to regularly consuming alcohol (calories) and weed (munchies = calories) so i need to get used to factoring those into my calorie limit. but because i smoke nearly every day, i need to be more disciplined about not munching every time i’m high. i think i’ve finally made the switch to resisting the munchies more often than not so that’s progress at least.

anyways i’d say that’s it for now. stay safe everyone <3

[midnightly-musings]

Can’t wait to see the progress in body check pictures! I bet you know awesome now. Look at how much you’ve already lost! Woowhoo you go girl

omg i’ve never gotten such a positive message from someone before thank you so much! ily and stay safe <3

[midnightly-musings]

thoughts on my “lunch” break

i feel the same level of hunger/discomfort rn when i only ate one hard boiled egg for breakfast as on the days i have a full bowl of cereal or two eggs. so why do i feel so compelled to eat more at breakfast when i know the result will be the same?? TELL ME WHY!

side note: i always eat breakfast bc my metabolism is genetically slow so i need to give it something if i’m gonna lose any weight.

edit: i also feel a little guilty bc my mom gave me money for lunches i’m not buying at work. i just hope she doesn’t check my bank account and figure it out.

edit 2: damn i can’t keep my thoughts organized. but i went back up to 165 as of sunday night (when i got back from my vacation). i’m disappointed but not surprised. i’m hoping it’s just water weight so i’m not gonna change my cw in my bio unless it doesn’t go down in say 4 days.

[midnightly-musings]

progress?

i finally got back below 160, barely but i did it.

i’m really proud of myself bc today at work i was really craving the vegetable soup they serve in the cafeteria (and it’s only 75 calories per serving), but i was able to refrain even from that and stick to my diet cherry pepsi bc i’m going on vacation/to a family reunion for the long weekend and it’s gonna be hell.

i’ll do a body check at my first gw, i was too scared to take real “before” pics but tbh i still look like a before picture. anyway i gained a handful of followers since one of my posts blew up so please? talk to me?? i’m lonely???

[plant-crossing]

RECOVERY

STOP PUTTING PRO ANA AND PRO ED AND TRIGGERING CONTENT ON THE RECOVERY TAG. PROPLE THAT FOLLOW THIS TAG ARE IN RECOVERY. THAT MEANS THEY MAY BE FRAGILE AND SEEING THAT WILL MAKE THEM WORSE. KEEP YOUR CONTENT UNDER THE CORRECT TAGS. INCORRECTLY TAGGING TRIGGERING CONTENT COULD RUIN SOMEONES PROGRESS. EATING DISORDERS LITERALLY KILL PEOPLE. IN THE END IT IS RECOVERY OR DEATH. BY PUTTING TRIGGERING CONTENT ON THESE TAGS YOU ARE ACTUALLY KILLING PEOPLE. STOP.

[midnightly-musings]

i wish i looked as sick as i feel

i wish my eyes were sunken in

i wish i had bottlecap wrists that could snap in an instant

i wish my cheeks were hollow and grey

i wish i would shiver in the summer heat

i wish a gust of wind could set me off balance

i wish my clothes would hang from my body

i wish my ribs would show through tight shirts

i wish i would faint on my walks around campus

i wish i looked like i would break if you touch me

i wish my rapid weight loss was met with concern instead of praise

i wish my disorder wasn’t invisible because of my size

[anaziere]

Being overweight with an ED

Me: I haven’t eat anything in 48 hours.

Best friend: :( that’s not good :(

Me: I lost 10kg (22lbs) in 2 months

Best friend: :) wow congratulations :)

[midnightly-musings]

i guess one of the good things about having large hands is it makes your wrists look smaller by comparison ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

[carry-on-my-wayward-butt]

someone: skinny people are hailed as stylish no matter what dumb shit they wear and fat people have to put hyper-gendered effort into their appearance every moment of their life to receive the bare minimum of basic human decency and this is pretty shitty.

every skinny person in a 300 mile radius:  this is targeting me personally, i will have you know that every morning at breakfast my own mother callously asks if i want seconds. seeing my figure praised in literally every form of media humanly possible is actually extremely traumatic because i hate knowing that i’m societally idealised. i was born with glass bones and paper ski