THE FEELING

held within

[milanshukla]

200

“Thank you No, really, thank you You're far too kind You, and you, and you, experience of a lifetime”

This is the end for me on this platform, probably never writing here again. It was fun  while it lasted :)

[milanshukla]

मौजूदगी

तुझे जाता देख थोड़ी न आंखें नम हुई थी

तेरे लौट न आने की फितरत जिम्मेदार थी

अँधेरा जीवन मे रात आने का नहीं

तेरी आवाज की ख़ामोशी का था

प्यासे हम भी थे लेकिन तेरे लबो की लिए

बेचैनी बेबसी के हालात भी तेरी बतमीज़ी का नतीजा था

पहलु तेरा भी कुछ रूठा रूठा था

रोए हम भी खूब तेरे लिए

बस सुन ने वाला मोजूद न था

[milanshukla]

निहभाने

सब कहते है भूल जा उसे

अब लौट कर नहीं आएगी

अब मैं भी क्या बोलू सबको

इसलिए थोड़ी न मोहब्बत की थी

इसलिए थोड़ी न रातें जाग कर बितायी थी

इसलिए थोड़ी न इश्क़ का इजहार किआ था उससे

लौट कर न भी आये

चाहे वोह किसी ओर की हो जाये

आवाज़ गुम भी हो जाये

भुलाने के लिए नहीं

निहभाने के ख्याल से मोहब्बत की थी

भुलाने के लिए नहीं

उसे अपना बनाने के लिए मोहब्बत की थी

जिंदगी बिताने के लिए मोहब्बत की थी

भुलाने के लिए नहीं

एक दिन संग मर जाने के लिए मोहब्बत की थी

[milanshukla]

आदत

सुबह के ६ बजने वाले है

नींद नहीं आ रही आज

२६ तारीक पहला महीना साल २०२०

तुम्हारी याद तोह आ रही है

लेकिन अब दिल मे दर्द पहले से कम होता है

लगता है अब आदत सी पढ़ गयी है

अपने कमरे का पीछे वाला दरवाजा खोला है

थोड़ी घुटन हो रही थी

थोड़ी ठंडी हवा मे सास लेने का मन था

पता नहीं थोड़ा सुकून चाहिए दिल को

आशिक़ी भूलना चाहता हु

ट्रैन के प्लेटफार्म पर रात मे २ बजे अकेले घूमना चाहता हु

बस तुम्हे याद नहीं करना चाहता

तुम्हारे शहर आना भी चाहता हु और नहीं भी

थोड़ी तकलीफ सी है

दिल को एक चीज चाहिए थी

जो मिली नहीं

अब उसे भी नहीं पता आगे उसे और क्या चाहिए

पीछे से नमाज़ पढ़ी जा रही है

कोई ख़ुदा को याद कर रहा है

मैंने भी आंख बंद कर तुम्हे मांग लिआ

क्या पता उसके साथ मेरी भी दुआ कबूल हो जाये

चलो आज के लिए इतना ही

फिर कभी किसी और महीने मे तुम्हे याद करूँगा

तुम्हारे लिए कुछ और लिखूंगा

तुम खुश रहना

मैं भी खुश ही हु

किस्मत ने चाहा तोह कभी मिलेंगे और थोड़ी बात करेंगे

वरना रस्ते तोह हम दोनों के अलग -अलग ही है अब

दोनों किसी न किसी मंजिल तोह पहुँच ही जायेंगे

दोनों किसी न किसी से दिल लगा ही लेंगे

लेकिन अगर एक दुसरे से लगता तोह शायद कुछ बात ही अलग होती

अगर इसे कभी गलती से पढ़ना तोह

मुस्कुरा के पढ़ना और मुझे कभी याद करना

[milanshukla]

याद

सहमे हुए हवा के झोके प्यार मे मिले धोखे पतझड़ के झरोखे चेहरों के मखोटे

कदमो के निशान सूरज और चाँद अनजान लोगो से पहली पहचान सब तुम्हारी याद दिलाते है

लोगो के बीच भी समुन्दर के समीप भी परिवार के अंदर दोस्तों का बवंडर

अनगिनत बातें बेसब्री से की गयी मुलाकाते लमबा रास्ता तोहफों का बस्ता सब तोह है मेरे पास

सिर्फ तुम्हारी कमी है आँखों मे आज नमी है साल हो गया तुम्हे देखे आवाज भी भूल गया हु तुम्हारी बस इतना ही कहना था आज की बस तुम्हारी याद आती है

[milanshukla]

अकेली

मोहब्बत करता हु तुझसे, कितनी बार बतया था तुझे पर तेरे रूह तक मेरी आवाज न पहुंची कभी क्या मुझसे पहले इतने आशिक़ो ने चाहा तुझे की मेरी मोहब्बत की गहराई भी तू नकार कर गयी मुझे तोह लगा था की एक दिन इसी गहराई मे ले डूबूँगा तुझे परन्तु तू तोह इसे दरिया समझ के पार कर गयी

क्या मेरा हर लफ्ज़ बन गया एक बेमानी आवाज ऐसे भी क्या धोखे मिले तुझे प्यार मे क्या तेरे आशिक़ो ने तुझे खोखले प्यार के लफ्ज सुनाये थे की मेरा हर लफ्ज तूने एक शोर समझ लिआ बेइंतहा दिल लगया था तुझसे लेकिन तूने तोह कोई और चुन लिआ

लेकिन मेरा क्या है मैं  तो वक़्त की खाई मे रास्ता ढूंढते हुए गिर के मर जाऊंगा लेकिन तू अब रास्तो पे इश्क़ ढूंढने न निकलिओ क्योंकि इश्क़ और आशिक़ तोह दोनों तेरे इंतजार मे तरस रहे थे पर तू ही कुछ बेहतर की तलाश मे आगे बढ़ गयी इसी वजह से आज तू कुछ अकेली पढ़ गयी

[milanshukla]

तुम जब पास

कितनी शामे कितनी रातें काटी है

मेरी आँखें जब पलकों से रस बहाती है

कितने किस्से अभी बताने को है

प्यार के नग्मे सुनाने को है

पर

इन दूरिओ की गहराई मे

तुम फिसल  भी जाओ तोह

इन मेहफूसिओं से मैं बदल भी जाऊ तोह

तुम्हारी परछाई से नज़र हटाउ तोह

तुम्हारे लफ्ज़ो पर न लड़खड़ऊ तोह

खुद से एक बार पूछना ज़रूर

कहाँ तुम गलत थी और कहाँ मैं

मदहोश तोह तुम्हारे प्यार मे कल भी था

आज भी हूँ

बस थोड़ी नज़रें उलझी

जब से अनजान शहर मे

तुम्हारी सासें बदली है

खो जाने की जिद न करो

फितरत बदलने की उल्फत न करो

मैं भी तोह लौट आऊंगा

एक बार मुझे प्यार करके तोह देखो

बस एक बार मेरा नाम अपने लफ्ज़ो पे ला कर तोह देखो

क्योंकि

तुम जब पास आती हो

मेरे दिल को सहलाती हो

पलकों से मुस्कुराती हो

हवाएं भी गुनगुनाती है

जीने का मतलब सिखाती हो

[milanshukla]

नयन तरसे

ख्वाहिशे कुछ अजीब सी

सांसे ख़ुशनसीब थी

दास्ताये हम नसीब की

 मोहब्बत बीना तकनीक की

खोया फिर उन्हें ऐसे

की बातें न हुई फिर कभी करीब से

दिल ना माना दिल ना रुका

आहटें उनके नाम की भरता गया

पाना उन्हें वोह चाहता था

जिनका मिलना ही बेबसी की लकीर थी

राते गुजारी बीना नींद की

शामे भी ना हसीन थी

फस्ला बस ऐसे बढा की

पहलू बदनसीब थे

चेहरा भी अब कहा मुस्कुराता था

आँखों मे भी अब नमी थी कम

दिलो दिमाग ने भी केहना शुरू कर दिआ था

की अब पराये हो चुके हो तुम

याद नहीं आते हो तुम उनको अब

दूरिया ही है कुछ अजनसीब सी

यादो मे भी ना मिल पाओगे उनसे अब

क्योंकि अहमियत का जनाजा उठा

फ़ासलो का इरादा बढ़ा

मुलाकात तोह दूर की बात

खयालो पर भी पर्दा पड़ा

आखरी बार फिर भी उस आशिक़ ने

अपने मेहबूब का नाम दोहराया

दिल लगाया आस्मां पे चढ़ाया

लब से लब मिलाने का ख्वाब सजाया

फिर कूद गया वोह आस्मां से नीचे

और जमीन पर अपना लहू बहाया

मरते मरते भी हारे वह पथ निहार

नयन तरसे, तरसे रे

[milanshukla]

ALL THOSE SLEEPLESS NIGHTS

Midnight Crying till my eyes bled blood Streetlights On the way to your apartment This love I have felt about a thousand times But It doesn’t feel right Since you haven’t been here enough But It takes me back to Windows passing down the airport stairs Your memories fading over here Things i wanted to hear have disappeared Distances growing with morning light And all those sleepless nights And I know that it’s over now It has stopped haunting me Like a ghost of summer I do love But i rarely breathe Midnight charging summer skin I want to Taste the liquor from your lips Pink shade of the maybelline lipstick I miss you chasing down the failing lies And all those sleepless nights Face up Watching you all dressed up The polka and pony still have importance 14 months I thought i would be fine by now But It still gives me a head ache When i hear you name But It takes me back to Me being always desperate Thinking about you on a stretch All those things you have never said Unanswered calls and unread texts I miss chasing you down the morning lights And all those sleepless nights And Now that it’s over It never ended in you wanting me Like a snowman in a winter I am barely free Purple skies and cigarettes I can still remember the shape of your ample breasts The shape of the nipples beneath the bralette But it still makes me wonder Seeing you naked I might kiss you one day when you say yes But all those sleepless nights

[milanshukla]

DISTANCES

I don’t want you to dislike me more than you already do. So i guess I'll keep my distance from now on. You seem like something i would want forever. You are acting like you never really knew me . You are gonna make me regret falling in love with you but this is the best thing that happened to me.So if you are gonna hate me for loving you so be it. You don’t like being loved . You even hated the sound of i love you even when there were no expectations attached. I feel fucking stupid when people are weirded out when someone says i love you to them. They want it to stop like their is a baggage attached to it or like they have to say it back . I think this current trend of perceiving love is fucked up and i was the stupid one who fell in love like the old fashioned way where nothing else mattered but just the act of love.Isn't it funny we fall in love with people who aren't right for us. sometimes i feel like mine wasn't love at all just because you gave a whole new meaning to it. Its hard to love someone new when you have loved the same person for your entire life and i dont think i can do that again with someone else. you know what scares me the most that somewhere deep down i know you don't love me and will probably never will and I would have to spend the rest of my life away from you, loving from a distance and seeing you love another fall in arms of another, kiss another and i will spend rest of my life getting over you and will fail and my life will become one big fucking lie pretending that I don't love you anymore that one day i will tell my wife that i love her knowing that it isn't true that the only person i ever loved was you . I would lie to her and me and my remaining life will be just one big fucking lie trying to convince myself that I don't love you anymore clearly knowing that it isn't true and you will forget me along the line like my love didn't even matter in the first place. I wanna stop loving you but I don't know if i can.

[milanshukla]

THIS IS FINE

This is fine .Life is fine .Thinking about you is fine . Me being madly in love with you is fine . You being not in love with me is fine . Someone else being in love with me is fine . Me not wanting that is fine . Everything still happening despite my wishes is fine . Someone crying for me is fine . Me crying for you is fine . You still not loving me is fine . Me wondering about kissing you is fine . You still not wanting me is fine . Me being awake late at this hour is fine . Me being desperate for your attention is fine . You giving it to someone else is fine . Me wanting you to text me first is fine . You not doing it is fine . Me not telling you that is fine . Me trying to hate you is fine .loving you and still hurting is fine . Me still failing to do that is fine . Me wanting to love you even more is fine . You going away is fine . Thinking about you eventually forgetting about me is fine . Me eventually realizing that you will never want me is fine . Me still wanting you is fine . You eventually falling for someone else is fine . You wanting to kiss someone else is fine . You hating me for loving you is fine . You not replying is fine . Me still wanting you is fine . You are gone now and and i am stuck i guess that is fine . You marrying someone else is fine . Me still wanting you is fine . Me marrying someone else is fine . Me not loving her enough and still thinking about you is fine . Me growing old is fine . Me still thinking about a future with you is fine . We living different lives is fine . We becoming strangers is fine . You dying in your husband's arm is fine . Me crying about your death is fine . Me wanting to die with you is fine . Me living my entire life always thinking about you is fine . Me dying alone is fine . Me still loving you till my last breath is fine . You being a distant dream that i could never make a reality is fine . Everything is fine . This is fine . 

[milanshukla]

DEATH BY LOVE

Isn’t it beautiful, death by love. I would want that. When you are 60, you start thinking about a place where you wanna die and I think a great place to die is right next to you. Nothing changes behaviour like pain does. Maybe pain can save us. I love watching the snaps of you going to sleep, feels like you are here right next to me . Close to me . I like your peaceful smile and glances . Its serene thinking about you are at peace and sleeping in the cosy warm blanket of yours under the same sky as mine under the same stars on the same planet. You just aren’t next to me .

[milanshukla]

TAKING OVER

I’m coming right over, i’m coming right over

Tonight i might kiss you while i am sober

But there used to be a whole lot of you taking over me

You think you know me but you do barely

I am forgetting all the things we did together

I guess this new women will take over me eventually

And i rarely remember anything about you anymore

I hope you never feel lonely again and don’t do the drugs for the fuck of it

Ignore the present and relish the times i used to love you

The end is the way you described it to be

You changed when you went away and eventually i did too

But the way i loved you will always be there within me

You will always be beside me in the nights beneath the stars when the whole lot of drugs will be taking over me

[milanshukla]

POEM FOR THE DEAD

Quit licking your wounds like a metaphor

Quit singing to the dead when she’s not a regular

Poor poor poor like a sky walker not in love

Conversations flowing like we have been burnt out

Not falling in love again because it’s fucked out

Capped out on feelings and sleeping forever

Playing for keeps and i’m gonna move out

Took a shot at love and now we burnt out

Riding the wave like first time while we exhausted 

just don’t wait to jump in too long

Just don’t wait to jump in love all alone

Got the babes looking at me like i’m past time

Don’t sleep you gotta stay up

Dream with eyes open and heart closed

My heart is waiting for a stand out

Nonchalant about eating her pussy out

In my 23s now i’m wilding and making plans

Don’t sleep you gotta wake up

Good things come to those who wait up

But don’t wait for her too long

Have always been afraid to stand out

Now i have got what i need

Not smiling in the moment and wondering about hanging up

Wondering about those nights and praying in your sleep

I just parked my emotions out 

hung out with her even when she is dangerous

I wanted to love but she was never mine

And now i laugh like the sin is mine

If you would have allowed me to fuck you i would have blown your mind

Always taking shotgun to be not left out

But she only puts the work in until it works out

Running away the moment when she feels left out

Sometimes i smile but it ain’t the same when she isn’t mine

I was used to her breathing but it keeps forcing me to sleep

I saw a future which wasn’t mine to keep

[milanshukla]

SICK BOY

living in the north of the country 901 miles away from her

With Half read Bukowski which she insists me to read

Comfortably opening 21 chrome tabs whose contents perfectly define my personality

Watching porn of a woman whose face resembles her body type and face

Wearing the same sweat drenched t-shirt in which i ran in the morning

I guess i smell like cum and sweat at the same time

An Iphone 6s with 10528 photos and 739 videos because i am lazy

Mostly of the screenshots of her face which i used to take But now i don’t feel like it

I’m okay with being okay of getting over the feeling of loving her

It doesn’t hurt even if we don’t talk anymore

All i remember is i was never enough for someone like her

Missing me wasn’t an option for someone like her

Still possessing the boarding pass from flight back to pune

Still keeping the earmuffs i borrowed from her with no intention of returning

Still have the keychain , a fridge magnet , an uneaten lollipop

The birthday note she wrote with her pretty handwriting

All the saved voice notes i used to beg for

All the screenshot snap i asked for

Things i vault but don’t appreciate anymore

Is the love gone ?

A dozen of saved unwritten notes saved about loving and fucking her

I guess i like my women lean and titless

Were you even my life’s worth

A playlist entirely compromising of blackbear

It doesn’t remind me about you anymore

We can pick sides who is more wrong me or you

this is you , this is me , this is us but they say that I’m the sick boy

Am i the sick boy ?

Easy to say when you never loved anyone

Not really excited about her returning home

A year of distance did it’s job pretty good

I tried but failed to connect when there was no response

Interested in writing on twitter

Masturbating while thinking about random woman

And yes sometimes i do quiver

I guess we are united under our indifference

Unwilling to speak because there is nothing left

Your best friends calls me more than you

I now know more about her life than you ever did

You seem beautiful but now it’s ugly inside

The woman i used to love has past us all by

All the money you ever earn i wonder how happy it made you feel

How many new friends you made

Who even knows about your fascination about G

Who even knows what groupie means to you

And they call me indifferent because i don’t let any woman close to me

All the attention i am not used of getting from these woman

I hate it when people make small talk

All the women around me just stupid enough to ignore

Get off my solidarity and let me be

I don’t need you to live my life peacefully

A new fascination of reading about society

A new friend i’m okay with not having

I don’t think differently you are just too afraid to speak out

I love differently and wonder about fucking

It’s easy to cast me out when you don’t take the risk

Masturbating sex and kiss makes you uncomfortable

I guess you don’t know your human instincts

Gazing the stars is a distant habit now

You always chose ego over your character

And she call me like i’m the sick boy

[milanshukla]

SHUTTING DOWN

What a fucking horrible life man ! Whenever i feel i am doing okay it fucking knocks me down , like all the fucking progress i made is washed down the drain . All the time and process it took to deal with the idea of her being away is just crumbled to pieces . I still remember that when she left it was so fucking hard to even travel by the place she lived . It was so hard to even visit the place that i even met with an accident once because i just wasn’t able to control my senses. I wasn’t able to control what i felt .I just used to be miserable but gradually it became tolerable . Her fucking behaviour towards me was so bitchy that i somehow gradually became okay with the thought that i will always be that one person about whom she will never give a fuck about .

So i was hungry today and decided to visit our usual place of hangout . If it was earlier i wouldn’t have been able to because all i would have seen would have been her face . Her voice , her smile but today i was okay and on the way i said to myself finally i am somewhat okay . I guess i will be fine but what a fucking waste of 8 months of getting over my feelings . All the 8 months washed down the drain like they never existed . I reached the place which is a cafe only to realise it is closing down only to realise again things will never be the  same . The only place where i had somewhat good memories with her will cease to exist . I won’t be able to visit it with her or even alone . It’s hard losing a place with memories forever . It’s hard when you have lost girl already . I feel that miserable again like fuck her , fuck the place , fuck the memories . I can’t feel the same i felt few months back . They were the worst fucking months of my life . Who am i kidding i still feel the same . I even cried on her birthday in a different city away from her because even visiting her made me realise how insignificant i am to her like i don’t even matter even as a person.  i moved out of the apartment  in the evening because i never wanted anyone to see me in that state .as someone  Who was weak and couldn’t control what he was feeling . I guess love makes you weak , breaks you down in unimaginable way . I don’t know anything now . Why is the place closing down . Why is she even in a different city . Why is she not in love with me and why can’t i get over her . I don’t know but i just want the pain to stop . I just want the pain to stop and nothing else because i can’t even remember her voice now because we haven’t talked in so long . I can’t even remember the best part i loved about her . Oh my god i can’t even remember her voice what has my life turned into . Just fucking stop this pain . Just make me forget her somehow . Loving her is too painful now .

[milanshukla]

NOTES

There are too many unwritten posts saved in my notes. I wanted to write them . i just want to get rid of all the feelings i felt for you . moreover there are too many girls around me now . all of them somehow curious to know what i feel and who i am . they occasionally take  my phone and snoop around trying to find something . they also open up my notes but somehow get past by it without opening what i am hiding there . i just want to get rid of them all. I want to get rid of my feelings for you . so i opened one up yesterday and i swear to god it was hell. I couldn’t read past 4-5 lines . it all just came rushing back what i used to feel for you . the intensity , the passion , the love . it all came rushing back like a dam just broke trying to drown me . i just couldn’t take it . i closed the application . i can’t have it now . i still love you but you somehow took the best parts of loving you away by being a person i always resented.

The good parts of my love are gone and i don’t know if they will ever come back for you or anyone else . you just being a selfish human altogether destroyed it all . i was there for you during your darkest times . i was there for you during your darkest nights . i used to call you , text you when you moved away trying to inquire how you are whenever you felt sad . i tried everything so you won’t feel alone in a new city that you wouldn’t miss home . though everyone misses home but i tried . i really don’t believe in god anymore but if there is one he fucking knows i tried . i fucking tried to be close to you .  i tried to be the one you would need and could rely on . i tried to be the one you could fall in love with but you never picked any of my calls . you never texted back . it was all okay for you and the worst part is i still remember you used to justify yourself by saying yes i am selfish and i need it now and i believed you because i loved you . don’t fucking justify being selfish . don’t fucking justify your worst qualities . fuck you and your selfishness. Even if i love you not gonna accept your worst qualities and not gonna help you justify it . let me make you a better person because i am trying to be the same and it hurts always trying to be there for you but i wonder where were you when i was at my worst and on my knees . when i used to cry for hours and begged and did my best to plead . when i asked you to stay not physically but emotionally . i can’t recall any moment when you were there for me even if i begged . you never gave me anything even if i asked shamelessly being vulnerable . you couldn’t even let me fall asleep in your lap because all you somehow care about is how it makes you feel.  this fucking demeanour of yours took away from me my best feelings . i love you but not like before .

I still feel jealous when i recently saw you ex commenting on your posts and you replying . i don’t know but i feel jealous . i still do . i feel sad . i feel miserable . it just makes me feel stupid for loving you this hard for opening myself up to you because even if he never treated you right you are more close to him that you were with me . you kissed him when you weren’t even dating and yet you somehow feel disgusted by the thought of me touching your face , holding you close and hugging you while you sleep . so there are still those unopened notes filling up the memory in phone that i don’t have the strength to open and write about . they are gathering up the space i need both in my phone and my heart. I want to run away from you . i really do but the thing is i fucking loved you so much and somehow still do that i am not able to get over you . i just can’t get over you .