mimi

[mimimakesart]

Hobbies

I decided awhile ago that I needed a consistent and good hobby. It is difficult to determine what a hobby even is, and it is even more difficult to understand why I need to define what a hobby is in the first place. 

I enjoy a lot of things. I like exercising— I do weight lifting and some light running. But is that a hobby? I signed up for a half marathon and then I felt like running was a hobby. Is training for a half marathon more of a hobby than just running around the city? Is weight lifting exercise or a hobby? Does it matter what I call it if I’m doing it either way? 

I like drawing and painting and writing. But I haven’t done any of these things consistently since college, and whenever I try I feel like I’m not very good at it. This makes me not want to do it anymore. Can a hobby be something you aren’t good at? Who defines what “good” means? If I convinced myself I was excellent at drawing, painting, and writing, would it make it any more of a hobby? Or would I need recognition from others to justify it’s status? 

I have really been enjoying cooking the past year or two. Experimenting with flavor and spice combinations, different baking techniques, trying ingredients I’ve never seen before. Does enjoying cooking make it a hobby? Or am I just like everyone else who cooks every day? 

I think about the question: “what do you like to do in your free time?” I’m not really sure what to say. I feel like I’ve been defining myself by my job for so long that I don’t really know what I “do” anymore. It’s important to figure this out. Not just so I can tell people what I like to do, so I can present myself to the world as a well-rounded individual. It’s so I can literally be a well-rounded individual. 

[mimimakesart]

My life on paper.

I have a job in my chosen field that pays more than I need to support myself. I am able to work remotely from anywhere in the world. I get to solve challenging problems and work my brain every day. I am trusted with important work and receive praise for my good work. 

I live in a beautiful city, a close walk to the beach or the mountain. Both are lovely. I experience mild winters and warm summers. I am a short plane ride away from several different countries and countless amazing cities. 

I am in a supportive relationship with someone who treats me well. 

Everything on my highlights reel points to happiness and I’m sick of people telling me “How much I must love my life” and “How lucky I am” and “How they wish they had my life.” 

Then I look at their lives. How they have a tight-knit group of friends, their ability to use the US mail system, the creative and exciting projects they get to work on at their jobs, and their fun hobbies. Or their house they just bought. Or their new baby. Or how kind, genuine, and lovely of a person they are. 

I can’t stop thinking that there is more than this. 

[mimimakesart]

April 2019, I am back again

Reading through younger me’s notes reminds me why I burned all my journals from 6th grade to the end of highschool when I left for college. Half cringe and half “wow I was depressed, let’s not relive that again.” But it’s all part of the journey, and it is kind of nice. Priorities change, thought + behavior patterns change, and growth can clearly be seen. 

Does anyone even use tumblr anymore? 

Maybe we all got sick of posting about our lows + struggles and would rather stick to the highlights reel that is facebook and instagram. I guess that’s not fair to say, people use tumblr for a variety of different reasons. But to me, it always felt like a dark, gloomy area of the internet. 

I don’t really write for myself anymore. I think it’s because I don’t think for myself anymore. I found a note I wrote several years ago about how we never really shut off anymore. We are always distracting ourselves and never let our minds be still. I can’t say if this holds true for others, but I know it’s a problem for me. I wish I’d done something about this sooner, before I let it take over my entire life. I started distracting myself as a coping mechanism — there were bad parts of my mind that I did not want to deal with. Things I wanted to block out and forget. 

That moment after you put down your phone, your laptop, your book, (whatever else you’re using to distract yourself) and right before the moment you fall asleep — what happens? What do you think about? I never liked where my mind would go. I never let those moments happen throughout the day. For years. 

In college, people wouldn’t understand how I was capable of getting so much work done so quickly. It wasn’t a superpower, I was just incapable of being alone with an undistracted mind. Distractions included working like a crazy person, going to my work-job, and socializing the rest of my time away. I was extremely stressed by over working myself and I allowed myself to become part of the hive mentality, but this was okay. Now that I’ve graduated and am out of an environment full of friends and exciting projects and motivated people, my distractions are less fulfilling. Youtube, Netflix, podcasts, researching and reading books about random shit — literally any type of consumption, I will partake in it. This makes me feel bad, but I don’t know what to do about it. I feel like filling my mind with more stuff will somehow make me feel like everything is okay, but it does nothing for me. 

I’ve been trying to listen to my thoughts and be alone with myself. It’s really hard to do this. Even when I am alone with my thoughts, I don’t feel like what I hear is my voice. I feel like it’s someone else running my inner monologue. Or it’s a collection of all the characters, actors, creators, and authors I’ve been letting control my mind. 

I am so out of touch with myself. I don’t know who I am. I don’t think I’ve known who I am for quite a long time, and I’m hoping I can slowly rediscover myself. 

[estera-lazowska]

No es lo mismo by Sara Serna. on Flickr.

[kingdom-visions]

[criwes]

Little Soul Weapon & Mr. Carpin’s Game by Antoine Cordet (tumblr)

[mimimakesart]

It is sometimes hard to focus on school and your career when you’re in love, but it is these years when we are young and trying to build a name for ourselves that it is essential to be selfish in order to succeed. A few years of putting yourself entirely first can lead to an infinite amount of opportunities. And the thing is, once you’ve established that safe place where you can take care of yourself, with a good job and income and good reputation in the working word, you can love all you want and start to put others first. Your boyfriend, who may become your husband, who you may have kids with. I don’t think when you’re my age in college there is a way to put a person before yourself and still be the best at your craft. There are always going to be the people who focus more on their career and success than love, and they are the ones who will thrive. None of us putting love first are going to just get lucky. Success is hard work, not luck, even though many of us would like to believe that. Its a hard line to cross and accept, but I think I finally realized this is how it is. I love him very much, but sometimes denying a facetime request in order to build my portfolio or finish a poster contest is essential. I want to do great things.

[mimimakesart]

It seems like in smoothies if you’re even going to put a few leaves of spinach in that shit, the whole smoothie be turning out green 

[maslennikovmisha]

[lensblr-network]

The frog pool Series: The Farmers near farm of Senshin, village of Oblivskaya district, Rostov-on-Don region, Russia July 2010 From a cycle: The Don steppe

by misha-maslennikov.tumblr.com

[mimimakesart]

I used to be obsessed with Amish culture and when I was 10 I named my betta fish Samuel.

[mimimakesart]

I can literally hear the wind howling.

[mimimakesart]

If you can't handle me at my worst, that's chill because neither can I

[mimimakesart]

Art starts off so bad and you're like wow this sucks it will never get better. Then it gets better. And cool shit happens. And you're like I don't know how this even happened. Seriously I have no idea. I'm so bad at explaining my stuff.

[yeezusquote]

[cinemagal]

You’ve always been the caretaker, Mr Torrance.

[anthonyamorim]

[mimimakesart]

Drunk Because My Mom Made Me Have A Sleepover For Her Birthday With Her Friends

cold water on swollen lips metal faucets florescent lights too bright too dizzy a dream