I guess, I always love writing because... I sucked at drawing but excel at picking and editing.
This also a deep thinking of mine, related to skills that I acknowledge as my specialty. What is my specialty that I am actually proudly able to say: Yes, I am a ... (insert blank).
i was a writer. loveee writing was insanely obsessed.
i was an illustrator, and designing graphics were what i thouhgt i reaaly good at.
i was creative, wildly imaginative, i want to always feel and present something different.
Was it really just a phases? can i really picked them back up?
what's wrong with me? my capabilities?
what i consider i am good at is the fact that i can edit someone else's work, i can see what good what's not (really just black and white judgement tho), for now might be those.
why has dreamwork related to teamwork? a reflection on one's productivity versus doing it with someone else
I've been always struggle to starting thing that not has some other person to be responsible with. I am also realised this is not good, my personality or my work ethics must be doomed as hell. This phenomenon of only able to work on things only if deadline is closer or i don't have any choice but fit things to be done. These are unproductive, uneffective, and heck, desirable as way of working. But surely, it does work that way and it sucked.
I dreamed to work alongside with animals. Presumably animals need interactions and familiarity that bonding is something I want, the human-animal bond. This might sound a bit out of topic. Yet, human bond: I can. Rely on them, I am afraid. I keep trying to think it out with myself, but I know I do work better with others alongside me. Social chitty chatty was easy, but asking favor or telling big moves I did, Truly terrifying. I am afraid of doing thing wrong, make my communication sucked.
I think I have to be just asking if things alright by done this and that. Just ask. So later, I might not have feeling blocked by lonely brain numb. Uneagerness to start something that I actually has something to offer.
real love is never hard, but i digress it must be challenging, why we don't take the hardest way? love is clear, but human tendency of running away from scarcity, rejection, and pain, make love harder to be seen by mortal eyes that only seizes present moments.
while the bigger picture is the form of love, i don't blame human to instinct wise run from pain. because i wanted to run, when i can not see the picture of love with you...
don't hate me for that,
i loved you but i cannot live feeling anxious and worthless all the time... because im being greedy to be loved by you.
thought i settle it, got frustated, because i love(d) you...
sooo, different person... again... hahaha
meet this guy 10 months ago, known him for 10 months; that i can say fo sho (why i got lngshot ref here hahaha, whatever i found it mesmerizing).
i honestly happy, never been happier in emotional state, connection and treatment wise.
not the perfect ones, fair. you meet your league, and this guy i assume is the one fitted that term the best.
in my state of feelings: im glad i found a friend, got so close, can say he a person i always can comeback look foward to tell everything. he's helpful, good character, attentive, act of service, soft spoken, caring sooo green flag personality wise like he's heaven sent, im a devil advocate here AHAHAH.
but my state of mind: he never come foward to state what are we, i mean at the begining im not in rush, committed or even think about that this need to be clear or formal in term of status. but our boundaries shattered as i feel like "boyfriending" him while he's not my boyfriend, but yeah boy-friend i guess.
as time goes, turns out i changed: i think he noticed it as well. he said i cried more, im unmotivated, im less cheery. i honestly feel the same... worset i feel like losing myself.
i search it up out of desperation; i might be emotionally co-dependent of him. i cant do things alone, safer for me with people i know, anxious all the time, degrading myself even though people encourage me, losing motivation from inner self. nothing feel like charge me unless i see his text. this is a major realization, that this isnt healthy for me.
i know thsi only on my side. my problem basically.
but here's the thing... as long as i keep it to myself, i never gonna get out of this anxiety ring fo sho. i wanted to get out. i have to talk to him. but our hearts gonna be break... right? there'll be pain, there'll be attempt to fix something but... what if this is the end of us?
nothing happened anyway, no formal relationship, just stained friendship, might lose a friend. might have unfavorited some images of him. change my playlist cover.
god, sure we can be friends... but the problem is i need space virtually to away from him, like my boundaries always so high and i cannot change that coping mechanism at all.
feel like signs all the way. i favour yumi and woong together, they broke up anyway. i watched once we were us, they broke up. for getting themself, that's what is good for us... i thought, while i hope im not overthinking but overthinking is me part i get used to. except this... im overfrustated... i need to talk to him i suppose.
Finally the first & maybe the last tours of the closed since 2012 #artdeco General Hospital Building. At the beginning of the year they are adaptively re-using the building for 100's of apartments, many for low income residents. Here's a teaser, featuring one of my fave LA artists: Hugo Ballin 📸:me
after all, the timeline has aligned. in a way that... i like... (?)
My pray has been answered in more preferable way, not in violence and painful screaming in my head, thank God.
and honestly, i'm still thinking about him in a way more like analyzing his sayings and (unseen directly) acts towards me. this part i supposed is not really special, since i do it to everybody = which led me to understand myself, what i've been done to him, is what i've been done to anybody that i found comfortably fine hang out with as friends (from my observations of my own aware self, in case of being nice to everybody).
the take here actually i wanted to be honest with myself, on what am i actually feeling about, due to something weighing on my heart and i cannot really put a finger on it.
if i have to really feel each inch of myself: my head fine - i'm not haunted by moments with him, and my heart heavy - on something... eh wait, now my heart at ease. i try to be honest: first, i keep thinking about how i can "show" me to him, that i'm fine that i want to prove something about me - this is not new, since i've done this route of grandeur thinking at the previous person. but my scenario's version is so lame.
second, i'm also projecting on how i can act around him, that signifies i'm okay - more like fine and not feeling like anything bothered me. somehow, all of those "i want to make him, realize" - but, i don't know realizing what's going on... me want him apologizing? never been said from his tongue... but do i want that? no, more like, i think want his honesty, how he actually see me; yeah that's what i want to really know.
feeling wise? i don't have the polarized tendency to text him, or have anything to do with him except the group work we're having. the point is; i don't wait for him, i kind of lost feeling since that pressuring event, i want to fight him yes, and yet reality chose me to be the mature ones: i reached up to him first anyway, since i thought something not related to me came up and i'll woman up.
he kind of weird though, like so do i hahaha. it's just like we're fine... like nothing happened, we talked by call like friends and give updates about life - but now i've think about it, we shared stuff you don't really share yet to the public... make me think yeah whether we both actually in war of showing off what we've done recently and soon, or this is a war of "i'm fine" typa thing.
well, still i'm not opening up so much, since i knew he's no help for me. but i'm always going to be a help for people, and so does for him; yes, i can feel something he open up to me, a way like sliding through conversations that lead to 42 minutes call... until i don't talk anymore, and then he said "anything else that you want to talk about?". i replied "no, i only have this one class with you, right?", he said "yeah, and thank you for earlier," i rethought the earlier conversation with no clues, and said, "thanks for what?"
"the advice on financial stuffs,"
"ah yeah, okay".
"if you need something that need to be talked about. you can call again"
i paused, "okay."
i don't think much except for that ending. i do believe that just friendly invitation to, that saying "you know, you can open up to me". and yet, about what i want to open and solve - i severely believe he can't handle it, he can't help me facing my problem with everything he had. he has no "something to offer" or medicine i needed.
the thing is, back then he had haunted my mind. now, i have to be the pilot that "choose" to think about anything to do with him - not autopilot anymore. even when i try to remember conversation - i cannot remember the details, only slips of it.
i feel much better this way, it's just that i realized i've walked off the roller coaster he asked me to be ride in. walking away make actually see the whole playground this wonderland has, and i choose to do rides that make me feel content instead of yearning over adrenaline ride with him.
very grateful. i know i have to let this out anyway. to think about potential like and love, make me feel meh at the moment. i thrived more with gaming with friends and finding my way to actually write my thesis. plus, the exact situation has been written by luke chiang recent drop too: terrible4u! he wrote and i quoted:
A song about not knowing if you’re the right person for your lover anymore but trying to hold on regardless. Most of the lyrics poured out of me on a flight to Japan a year ago. After coming home I had my first sesh with Jesse to build out the rest and it instantly became my favorite thing I’ve ever written. Now it’s all yours and the first of many incoming tunes!
but in my case (friend wise), i know that i've lost the feeling,and i knew i can be the help, yet he won't be my help. i might be the right person to help out some of his academic issues, but he's never going to be the right person for anything i had. so, even though i want to know his motive on befriending me, i don't really hold on him.
Song · 2025 · Duration 3:18
i supposed, i've always fall in like with someone and moved on easily as well.
may one day, i got the chance to fall in love with someone, who's not only i can help, but help me as well to reach every dream and struggles i stored in my mind.
hmmm, sound transactional but my vision of love is a support that help the person grow for the better, and every success and failure got us stronger, learn more, and become nicer (cause i'm cussing a lot with him, that was not healthy. now the lesser i cuss actually i'm happier...? he's terrible for me, maybe we bad for each other anyway).
i might not have something rush to wait on, but this is comfortable. even though i'm tired, but i've learn a lot. i've done a lot, yet on important note: i really need to fix my time management skill for sure.
for several days being in the haze of ambiguous state of mind, feelings, and the russian roulette game -it seems like the technical matters, i didn't think it through.
let's say the game is of course hand each other pistol with one bullet, right? to see, who'll get "busted" to the ground, in which moment. and yet, i didn't consider the "what if" my gun is... empty in some particular moments. like i know it's confusing, but to put it, i was thinking yes, every moment to conquer meaning always handing the same "game" pistol.
now, what if, for one moment... there's no bullet in my turn? i mean i thought it's me who going to fall, but no, it's gone. just with that one pressuring moment.
i don't like being pressured, physically and mentally speaking of course. and that particular time, he pushed me, pressured me, not letting me go: some might think this is efforts or appreciation or whatever, but for its caging me up, felt like stuck, won't let me go for his convenience (plus comes to realization: that yeah he might consider my 2 pennies matters, yet i don't see what i can "take" from him).
so, i was upset, i showed him i'm not keeping my best behavior, i'm giving cold reaction. as time goes by, i'm not sad and hurt anymore, and i try to make amends on the friendship we have -after all some projects need to be done together, i just want to get along.
but he's... literally "missing in action". am i being upset, also upsetting him?
we'll i the thing is, i don't know if he still held the gun, with a bullet with it. because mine, it doesn't make me feel lose...
all i have in my heart now is the sincere worrisome of friendship, we had.
maybe he needs time, after all, we both got hurt. i believed i hurt him too, event littlest amount. he deserves the time.
even though i wonder, is this stopping because no game involved anymore? is he and i actually that hurt deeply? are we still friends?
at least, i try to be matured. might be better to talk face to face, i planned, but God planned better. i think i won't push him to answer, keep it afloat it's fine with me. once again, i got my fair share of happiness and sadness, i just have to be patient.
