Creatively Distracted

Welcome to my un-articulate ramblings and wonderings about life. You may find hilarity, amusement, honesty or thought-provoking insight here. There will be many words, cryptic and plain. Perhaps you'll come across a photo or two. Whatever fills these pages, I deeply appreciate any time spent kicking about the letters and phrases of my heart and mind. Make yourself at home, and I hope you enjoy the view.

[miss--perception-blog]

A Day (or Two) In the Life - Baby Momma

Here is an approximate account of 2 days in the life of a mom and a baby. Let your curiosity for what-the-hell-actually-happens-when-nothing-seems-to-get-done be satisfied...ta-da! Here you go *Preface: These have been a couple of easier days. No cluster feeding and I got some sleep. There are days where you're up every 2 hours at night. Then you hardly leave the couch all day because the baby wants to eat every 45 minutes, and fill diapers in between. As hard as some days are, they are still completely worth it. I just can't seem to steal my heart back... Massive kudos to single parents and parents of multiple kids. Or parents of babies who simply refuse to sleep. You guys are superheroes.* DAY 1 5:30 wake up to feed baby 6:00 sleep 7 listen to baby fuss until he magically falls asleep again 7:30 sleep 8:30 try to wake up in order to feed baby 9:00 "5 minutes" of feeding a very distracted baby 9:30 change diaper 9:35 feed some more 9:45 change diaper 9:50 hold baby to write this 9:55 change diaper 10:00 flop on bed tiredly and score sympathetic back stroking from husband 10:05 ignore child and try to cuddle with husband with no luck 10:10 put child in chair to buy enough time to brush teeth 10:15 lounging turned accidental dozing off while child still unhappily sits in baby chair 10:35 change diaper 10:45 feed baby 10:55 burp and snuggle baby 11:00 try and scare away baby's hiccups (just kidding....more cuddles of course) 11:02 baby back in chair; haul to bathroom so mom can have shower and actually brush her teeth this time 11:03 Just Kidding!! Change diaper again. 11:10 repeat 11:02 11:35 console child while trying to dry off, actually brush teeth, and put deodorent on 11:38 throw hair into unbrushed top bun, again, to keep it away from little fingers 11:40 change diaper while still consoling 11:43 feed baby 11:50 stare at amazing (sleeping) creature in your arms that you popped out of you.... 11:57 try and put baby in crib so that I can wear something other than my bathrobe 11:58 baby awake! soother!!! 12:00 brush/blowdry hair, tweeze, fresh makeup! 🎉🎉🎉 #littlemiracles (all of these rarely happen together in a day) 12:21 daytime clothes! 12:31 sneak upstairs to put on a load of laundry, get food....and maybe even a coffee. 12:37 run downstairs to very sad baby; nothing done but laundry in wash. 12:38 realize that you forgot to feed the cat this morning, again. 12:41 beautiful blow-dried hair back in topbun, again, because ---> beautiful grabby baby. 12:45 feed the babe (who is still in pajamas because...yeah.) 1:00 snoozy baby back in crib 1:05 water! food! 1:20 check on baby. take garbage out. food! coffee! 1:40 sip **hot** coffee in peace while looking at baby socks online 1:47 very sad startled baby wakes up 1:50 look at baby socks and bottles online together; carefully sip coffee 2:00 tummy time - head's up further and actual smiles! 2:03 try to keep wriggling baby in arms while sending a text 2:05 baby in chair; run outside to grab something from a friend. 2:10 gifts from friends! first time in an exercauser. 2:18 switch laundry 2:20 sip lukewarm coffee and watch baby in exersaucer, catch up on messages. 2:40 change diaper 2:45 feed/attempt to snuggle baby 2:55 put baby in actual daytime clothes (who doesn't like being in fleece jammies all day??) 3:00 attempt to look at messages/browse/have a break while baby is in little chair 3:15 change diaper 3:20 feed baby 3:35 put baby down for nap 3:37 try to finish online browsing 3:55 get laundry from dryer/more coffee 4:10 sort through baby clothes for winter wear/bigger sizes 4:40 Attempt baby handprint during his nap; no luck. Such curly little fingers. 4:45 silence and stillness. sips lukewarm coffee. 5:05 snuggles; woke up scared again. feed baby. 5:40 baby ate for awhile and then fell asleep on me again. dinner sounds nice I guess....but sleepy cuddles. 5:45 reheat coffee with sleepy baby in arms 6:00 change diaper 6:10 put a few things away and build jolly jumper 6:25 try and placate baby losing his patience in order to take a few things outside 6:37 put very sad, hungry baby down and run outside 6:39 feed baby 6:50 jolly jump! 7:20 crap. dinner. ummmm.... 7:28 baby on lap freaks out while you make the harrowing choice of which pizza to order....again 7:30 feed baby 7:33 baby doesnt want food. unpause on earlier freakout. 7:34 place baby in crib with soother. tired? not enough for a nap apparently. 7:42 order pizza while baby squeaks and flails 7:47 pick up very awake child and try feeding again 7:52 no0ope 7:58 try and tidy things (the moving in chaos is still very apparent) minutely enough to make space for super healthy dinner 8:00 change diaper 8:12 child still freaking so try to feed and rock him to sleep again 8:18 baby zzzz's, at least while I hold him. I can smell another dirty diaper. 8:21 PIZZA. Put baby in crib and replace boob with soother. Fingers crossed. 8:56 Worst hiccups! Don't wake the baby! 9:10 nap end. change and feed and walk around the baby. pass baby to dad. 10:15 still consoling and feeding baby on and off. go to sleeeeeeep. 10:45 repeat 10:15 10:59 sleepy eyelids. I am hopeful. ....nope. A burp woke him up. 11:28 finally asleep. good night. DAY 2 4:30 wake up to feed the baby 7:00 wake up to baby kicking and flopping around. clearly wants more food. 7:10 drudge out of bed, semi-conscious, to feed the babe. 7:15 change diaper 7:20 feed baby some more 7:25 change diaper again and put on daytime clothes 7:30 leave cute baby-butt in crib while running outside to photograph car that is for sale 7:35 come inside. and then run back outside again, twice, because you forgot something. 7:40 change diaper 7:45 feed baby some more 7:50 - 9:00 I don't remember what happened, but I know it was something. oh right. way too many car for sale ads. 9:05 feed baby again, put into crib for first nap. success! 9:10 go upstairs to attempt actual breakfast before Lady Hangry shows her ugly face. 10:00 breakfast AND tea happened. well...at least the tea got made. it's probably cold now. go downstairs to find baby just waking up. feed baby some more. 10:20 still cuddle and feed baby on and off. he's just so cute. still making mental lists of what to do today, naturally. 10:35 put baby in little chair so that I can empty my bladder for the first time today. 10:40 scurry around getting crap together to walk into town. to meet someone - always the time crunch. yesterday's makeup will have to do. bye-bye tea. maybe later. 10:45 change diaper 10:47 load baby into carseat to put in stroller for walk. baby fills diaper again. take baby out. 10:49 change diaper 10:51 used last wipe mid-change. mad dash to get more while hoping half-naked flaily baby doesn't pee or poop everywhere. 10:55 diaper success. baby is hungry again. booooobs. 11:00 sad baby is still sad. repeat 10:47 11:20 finish loading stroller (after remembering deodorant and to actually brush teeth) and leave the house. victory yell! 12:45 begin the sweaty uphill walk home 1:10 back from town. thank God for strollers....babe fell asleep an hour or so into our trip to town, and is still asleep. Good naps for him means happy baby for me. Most days. ha. Today sent it 3 errands done!!! I even got to meander the thrift store for a bit. 1:11 madly take off sweaty things and run to pee because the baby wakeup is imminent 1:15 stuff delicious cookie in face (while pondering the salad upstairs) 1:20 wakey wakey! nap is over. 1:25 cuddle baby but then he cries. boob ------> baby 1:55 kiss baby alllll over and then detach because numb arms. 1:58 take millionth photo of baby because who can resist. 1:59 eat 2nd cookie 2:03 go back to baby and take more photos and videos because it just can't be helped. 2:07 change diaper 2:10 use snot sucker apparatus to clear out baby's tiiiiny little nasal passages. 2:20 post photos of baby things to sell online 2:35 baby chatter is getting squealy...should probably pick him up. eat real food perhaps? 2:45 stares at spinach on plate distastefully... 2:50 deals with some dirty dishes. eats another cookie. 2:50 adds enough to spinach to make it a palatable salad 3:00 eat sad sad salad while baby gets more sad about being in his chair 3:15 dishes 3:25 diaper!!! 3:30 feed the babyyy 3:45 naptiiiime. ...attempted. 3:50 feed rock and cuddle 3:58 squirmy baby. po0op. change diaper. 4:05 nap?? nope. 4:08 admitting defeat. nap in bed with mom. hopefully. 4:14 no0o0ope 4:25 spit up. change baby's outfits. (not exactly a burden....all the baby clothes are so cute.) 4:40 boob. sway. cuddle. sway. boob. soother. 4:45 asleep!!! time for mom and cat cuddles. maybe a few z's 5:15 wake up to babe crying. soother fell out. 5:20 flop back on bed with cat. 6:30 wake up 6:35 feed the babe 6:45 change diaper! 6:50 catch up with husband about day - almost Friday. woop! 7:05 go upstairs to make and actual food. no, no more cookies. 8:05 feed babe 8:20 momma has to peeee!!! carefully put down sleepy baby. 8:25 put clip into seatbelt so carseat doesn't move like the waves in the car 8:40 finish getting stuff ready and pack baby up to go visit a friend (who is moving). 11:20 come home! 11:30 change diaper and tickle baby!!! he just started being ticklish. way too much fun. (<----making baby super giggly at bedtime was probably a bad idea. dammit.) 11:50 feed baby 12:00 put baby to bed. over and over again. rock baby. over and over again. 12:15 watch baby flail and cry in crib, wishing he was asleep 12:20 pick up babe, feed and sway until he finally shows signs of sleeping. 12:44 bedtime. x_x

[miss--perception-blog]

tick-tock

writer’s block

could I would

take back my words

and make the silence stop.

Cassandra Code August 31, 2015

[miss--perception-blog]

Word Theme: Moving

Ever flowing, moving freely Being tied down can be so healing Moving slowly or getting faster Staying put can be the disaster Ebb and flow or steadfast like a tree Move with the winds of life and be free

Written by Cassandra Code March 30th, 2015 9:56 AM

[miss--perception-blog]

Verbs

I want to have adventures

And have them live inside of me

I want to understand the world

And not only what I see

I'd like to know what sound tastes like

And feel the colors until they bleed

Cassandra Code January 31, 2015 6:45 PM

[miss--perception-blog]

Twisting Evolution

My desires have twisted into something new

Things I didn't think I would want to do

My heart has taken on some fresh dreams

Hopes that cause tears and occasionally screams

I keep thinking I know where my path goes

I indulge in this folly and sometimes folly are my woes

Deep down inside of me is a pot that's kept stirring

It feels like sometimes all my hopes are deferring

What I want and what I need are constantly confused

Trying to live in the tension without garnering abuse

The search tarries on while I don't know what to look for

It could be under my toes or in the sky or through that door

Where do all of these whispers lead to that keep nipping at my heels

Is it pure imagination or are these sweet nothings actually real

My heart takes so many routes to find the things that it loves

Soon soon I hope that I find the truth in what the love does

Surrounding me is so much care and lovely affection

Even still I crave to have more specific direction

Once upon a time there was a pretty little plan wrapped neatly

As the cracks began to form I just wrapped them up discreetly

Since then so many things have fallen apart and crumbled down

So sure of what I thought I knew I couldn't see what was being found

I hope today that I am still being found and finding what I crave to know

At least I see that I can't fall backwards even as it feels painfully slow

This hope that breathes and keeps steady my heart beating

Will surely find me a place that is beautiful in the midst of all the leading

Written by Cassandra Code January 28th, 2015 4:14 PM

[miss--perception-blog]

Perceived Misconceptions

I never thought that I would end up here, right now, where I am. 

Seriously; married? Five hours from the only permanent home I’ve ever known? Medium sized city to small town?

I like to think that I know what’s happening, and for some strange reason it continues to shock me when things don’t go as planned. How amusing.

Before I graduated high school I was sure that I would follow my plan for the next few years of my life. I was decisive on what I wanted to do, and I was going to do it.  A red flag probably should’ve been that I wasn’t already actively doing it, or at least not in the capacity for it to become a life direction like I touted to everyone.

I knew that I wasn’t going to university or college right away, I wanted a break, time to come into my own as a young adult. I don’t regret that at all….the two years that I spent becoming more mature and aware of real-life stuff was time well spent.

In the second year I really started wondering and wrestling with the ideas and ‘desires’ that I had, or at least convinced myself that were there. I wanted to be a photographer. I wanted to go to school and then start my own business. It would be great, I would make my own hours and work for myself while capturing the joy and beauty around me. 

Come the one year post-highschool mark and I wasn’t so sure. I went to a week long photography workshop to try and nail down what I should do next, hoping that it would invigorate me and my photographical bent towards how I should proceed into the next chapter of my life.  During this week long school I felt more inspired to go elsewhere, which I thought was extremely interesting. I wanted to be inspired and drawn, but not by photos.

Fast-forward a year and a whole bunch of indecisive, panicked and frustrated conversations with God, myself, and a bunch of other people, and I found myself on a plane travelling 3,000 miles to a place I had never been to live with people I had never met. Cue my Discipleship Training School in Paisley, Scotland. I was more scared and heartbroken than I have ever been to leave home, and it ended up being six of the best months of my life. I learned things and grew with people in ways that I will never ever forget. 

But life continues.

Another years passes of some crazy transitions back home, and getting settled into the home life of working, spending time with family and friends, and still wondering what was next. Still thinking that I would get my career underway once I had saved up some money again and the dust had settled from what I then called normal life.

The monotony of work and life was broken up a bit last summer when I was able to fly to Missouri and visit many of my dear dear friends who I had met and spent so much time with during my Scotland trip. That was so incredibly revitalizing. I still didn’t really have a set direction for my career, schooling or photography, but I knew I would get there. Being around all of those dear friends just filled my soul in ways that are hard to explain. There had been so much pain in leaving, and it felt like there was finally some closure on that chapter of my life in being able to see them again, well and vibrant and growing into their new lives as well. Leaving that week was hard too, but there was so much hope for what was next because I knew that someday I would see them again.

Then back to work. Work work work….then in August I came to visit my amazing friend Breanna and see her marry the love of her life. I was a bridesmaid, and I am not usually a huge fan of weddings but it was so wonderful seeing her get hitched and so happy. The car ride home was, well, mildly depressing, because God and I had one of our usually chats which revolved around one of many of my life’s subplots, romance. Well, the lack thereof. I was coming into town from my five hour trip back and yelling at the radio that was playing a song. The chorus lyrics started by singing, “I really wanna love somebody…” and I not-so-quietly replied that “I really want to love somebody too!!!”. Ironic. 

To my bemusement now, I never knew that the one groomsmen who I had an incredibly satisfying conversation with over the rehearsal dinner would be my husband less than a year later. How’s that for a plot twist. Or maybe it’s predictable to everyone besides me. Either way…I never saw it coming. And when it started coming, my first response was panic, and then irritation at the cliché way in which we first met. Ha.

Now I’ve lived in my new hometown for almost 5 1/2 months, and in a way it feels like I’m almost back to the beginning of this long and angsty blurb. Life is settling, and becoming very very normal again. Don’t get me wrong, being married has its perks, upsides, and very beautiful moments, but God knows that my husband is not the end all be all to my life, just as  the same goes for him. There has to be something else that drives and sustains us both…

I’m sitting here four and a half years along from my self-assured high school self, with a few interesting realizations about my life.

#1. Photography never should’ve been a career choice of mine. I love seeing beautiful photos, and get excited taking them, but to run a business and become an entrepreneur I need a lot more drive and motivation than spurts of excitement every now and then. When I actually think about it, as much as I ‘loved’ my camera, I didn’t pick it up nearly often enough to even warrant the title ‘hobby’ let alone ‘life-path’.

#2. I always knew that I would leave my hometown to go somewhere and do something, but I never knew when and where. And funnily enough, I never wanted to meet my husband at church, which let’s be honest, was probably the most likely place given many of my extra-curricular activities. I ended up meeting him at a wedding five hours away, a total stranger, and moving up here to be with him to a place that I had honestly never heard of. 

#3. I still have no. flipping. clue. as to which ‘direction’ my life is taking. I would love to be all mature and resolved to say that “I’ve become okay with the journey I’m on and excited to see where it takes me.” but the truth is that I’m still terrified. The unknown frightens me, especially when I feel unprepared and often at times, unable. I used to always talk about how sometimes the most important things are the small things; the things we appreciate least but should appreciate the most. The truth is that I’m apparently terrible at that too…I love the ideal but when it comes down to it, I so often have my head stuck in the dirt or stuck in the far far away future that I am blind to what is happening now.

#4. The older I get, the less I know. I still don’t know what I think about things that I started thinking and trying to solve years ago. I may be less naïve or unaware of certain things, but I so often find myself utterly confused and frustrated.

#5. Love really does change things; especially when things suck. Yes, my relationship with my husband contributes to a big part of the change, obviously. Beyond that though, love between everyday people who barely know each other, or love between friends or family. Small gestures that put a smile on someone’s face. I really like to think and hope that in my sometimes mundane work I make little differences in people’s lives just by smiling or trying to genuinely care about their situation, when they’re generous enough to share. The familial love that bends over backwards and supports and smacks across the face sometimes…all of these things and expressions really do bring light to some pretty dark days. It might not make it easier…but maybe it brings hope into situations where there may not have been any to start.

#6. My ideas of God and understanding of Him and this faith that I’ve grown up in, and have hardly grown into are constantly changing. Most of the time it feels like I’m climbing uphill with a brief reprieve, and a lot of the time I’m confused in trying to figure all of this big stuff out. Call it what you may, but sometimes the simple stuff speaks to me the most. Sitting in my living room, staring out the window at the chilly breeze and the sun that finally came out after a very grey morning, remind me that there is hope in the world. And beauty. And on sunless days that does not change…but something about it speaks to my heart to remind me that I’m not alone. That God loves us…I will probably be wrong about a lot of things until the day I die, but I can’t shake the goodness in the big and small ways that point me back to someone so much bigger and greater than I could ever dream.

#7. I’m so thankful for you and every other person that has been generous enough to delve in parts or all of my life and add something to it, or take something away when they occasion called for it. I wouldn’t be who I am, where I am, or with the people and person I am with without every drop that’s contributed to the hopeful ocean of my life. 

I have no grand conclusions to this very long-winded collection of paragraphs. I guess it just feels good to let whoever may read this know that I, 22 year old me, have no clue, but am still learning and growing in whatever capacity I can. I’ve made more mistakes than I can count, and will probably change my mind about many things I think I know at the moment. I may change jobs another twenty times and then start all over again. Who knows. 

Writing this all out does give me some hope though. Even when I delusionally think I know what is going to happen, it usually changes. And for many of those times, I have been so incredibly fortunate to have not-known for the better. 

And so the adventure continues...

[miss--perception-blog]

Community

These last few months have been pretty crazy, and hard to believe once I actually think about it. 

On March 22 I moved from my hometown of 22 years, five hours away to Williams Lake to be closer to my fiance. A week later I found a new job, and was very slowly settling in to my new home, for the two months that I would be there.

After my first car dying not too long before I moved to WL, I found a replacement with the small savings that I had anticipated to use for the move, and was able to make it up okay thanks to my second 'new' but actually old car, and the help of a good friend and husband-to-be.

A few weeks into my new life here my second car started having serious problems and I found out that it would cost more than I paid for the car to have them fixed. Serious speed bump with the wedding only two months away.

After a lot of deliberation Justin and I decided that we needed to invest in a newer vehicle that won't break down on the side of the road or randomly spring a major bill for us when we can't afford it.

I have to say, applying for your first major loan (I don't have any school debt) and committing six years of your life to make payments that you're pretty sure you'll be able to swing, with the man that you're not technically married to yet - scary stuff!! We were able to be approved though and went away with a good little car.

Work continues...saving money continues...fast forward to the end of May and I'm packing up again and stuffing our little red jelly bean within an inch of it's life and moving again. Happily, this time around it was a five minute drive away instead of five hours. It was bittersweet, because my landlords Ryan and Gemma really made it possible for me to get a good start out on my own. They did so much for me and were such good friends and neighbors, I will always treasure my two months in their basement. 

I was moving into the bright little yellow basement suite that Justin and I would soon call home together. 

It's really weird when things that you can see coming and think about and think about actually happen. I don't know why, but it's just crazy.

We had started renting the space a bit prior to me moving in so we were able to gradually move my things in at a much more sane pace than the first move, and it was so much more relaxed. And again, we had help from some (new for me) great friends. People can make, in the grand scheme of things, a small gesture and it can mean the world to those receiving them, it really really can. Not having to pay for a single moving truck through this entire process has been such a crazy huge gift.

As much as the length of our engagement felt like it would never ever end, the two weeks preceding the wedding came at almost a breakneck speed. All of a sudden I realized what was happening, and that I was coming quickly and for all the moments wishing and waiting for it, I still felt completely unprepared. The entire experience was so uncanny. 

Two days before the wedding, as small and simple as it was, the nerves were still nagging at me and I was still wishing that we had just run away and eloped and not bothered at all with any of the other stuff that we had to fuss with.

The day before the wedding I felt an incredible sense of calm, and readiness. Somehow I just knew that things would be okay, and it would all work out. Almost a quiet excitement, which in and of itself is amusing because I can be such a bubbly clown if you catch the right side of me.

A lot of the calm the day prior had a lot to do with the help that Justin and I both received from people who were in no way obligated at all to help us.

Before I moved in I introduced myself to our upstairs neighbors since I think it's nice to know who you're 'living with', and to ask if it was alright to use our shared backyard for the wedding ceremony. Before I knew it Alyssa and I were talking about weddings and photography and design etc. etc. and she offered her help with anything. 

Little did I know how much help I would really be needing, she sat me down one evening and went over all of the nit-picky little details that needed sorting out and took care of almost everything that needed to be done. I'm still blown away by the help and care that her and her husband James gave us, two completely strangers living below them, so that we could have our special day without completely freaking out about it. It was seriously so so sweet. They prepped the backyard and tidied it up, Alyssa planned a bunch of it for me and on the wedding day did the backyard setup for us. This was after she did my hair for me the morning of as well! She had to rush off to get the backyard set-up for the ceremony, and since my hair was not doing what it should've, our photography ended up finishing it up. Both ladies were so sweet and so helpful. Honestly so generous. 

Our new friends didn't need to help us move, and our upstairs neighbors could've watched the wedding unfold with cool detachment and that would've been completely fine. Instead, people left and right have been jumping in to help us make things happen and it humbles me so much.

The generosity of others is so beautiful. In a world where it is so easy to become cynical and frustrated, when I sit to reflect I am overwhelmed by all of the beautiful gestures made by others to myself and to Justin.

The wedding day was perfect. Not flawless, but perfect. I have a hard time being completely satisfied in any given moment it seems; I'm always so busy wondering what could've been done better or differently. I have a hard time being satisfied and content. I'm so so relieved and pleased to say that our wedding day was one of the rare occasions where I was perfectly happy and content in the moments. It felt like my head would explode with all of the feelings buzzing around and as soon as I walked outside from the deck upstairs down to my parents, an then to Justin it was...indescribable. It was so beautiful, and so good. I wanted those moments to last forever. A lot of it wouldn't have happened without all of the help from our friends.

After the wedding we went off to a cabin for a week, which was so generously lent to us by some friends from our church, completely for free. Without them we probably wouldn't have had any sort of proper honeymoon. It was on a beautiful lake where we were able to relax a little bit and just enjoy each other and everything around us. (Including the freezing cold lake that I was squealing and thrashing around in for the lack of plumbing to wash my hair! Husband dragging shivering wife into the water to rinse suds off of is adorable right? Feels more adorable and romantic now that I'm warm and dry....hehe.)

The second week of our honeymoon we decided that the little Yaris and ourselves were all camped our for the time being, and the lack of space and supplies, so we spent the second week visiting family and friends. It was really really nice. 

After returning to Williams Lake we then had a couple days home and then we rushed off to Wildnerness Project which is a trip that Youth for Christ WL runs in taking a small group of youth out to a bible camp to be a work crew for two weeks. 

Yes, two newlyweds voluntarily separating themselves immediately following their honeymoon. We know. Brilliant. Please hold your applause.

Good news though! We survived, and made some really good memories too. It was a crazy two weeks, not without it's hard times and challenges, but it was a really good two weeks as well.

Now we've been home for two weeks and are finally starting to settle into whatever 'normal life' is for us. Learning and growing in being married is a crazy experience in and of itself, but it is so so good.

Ever since Justin and I started dating I have learned and continue to learn so much...it's been one of the most beautiful and humbling experiences of my life. Not always easy, but so so so worth it. All the hard work just makes the results that much better.

Even though we're not that far in, we wouldn't be here without everyone's help. All of those involved in our lives up until this point, who helped challenge, encourage and inspire us to become who we are to today, and to find each other as well.

Also, all of those who have helped bring us through the experience of dating, engagement and now the continuous process of marriage.

As the dust has settled I've missed being 'home' as my childhood and young adulthood has known it, where I know and love so many people and now miss as well. It's been a wild and sometimes sad experience leaving home and my familiar way of life for something completely different. I miss the smiles and hugs and coffee dates and randomly bumping into people that I know. People aren't replaceable, and I miss all of you who still have a place in my heart. I know that our friendships aren't over, but just look different now...so I'm doing my best to adjust to that and still reach out to you all because every one of you is so precious to me. The community that I grew to be a part of and grow with over the last four years has and will always be so precious to me.

it's scary looking now at what my life is, seeing all of the space to be filled and wondering how to do it or where to start. Knowing that there are no excuses to how I live my life besides what I make of it....scary scary stuff. I long for community, for the closeness and intimate knowing of each other's hearts and sharing life together in the big and in the small. I want to know and be known by those around me...the task feels overwhelming at times. One day at a time, one step at a time, one conversation at a time perhaps.

As Justin and I walk in our new life together, with new people, and new places I'm sure, I don't want to let this longing for genuine community fade away because it's hard or inconvenient sometimes. I want to live a life of vibrance and invite people into that. I don't know what it looks like, or who it's with, but thank-you so much to everyone who has blessed me with the knowing and the memories of what a brilliant life can be like with people who love each other.

It hurts to think of goodbyes still, so I won't. No one has died, things have just changed a bit...but every person who has left a positive print in my life, I am forever grateful. Thanks again for giving me what I have needed to get to where I am, and for everything that you will give me and us for where we need to go - every word, tear, (hopefully in person) hugs and blessing.

I am who I am because of the incredible people who have shared themselves with me. Life is rich indeed... 

Photo credit to Jana Roller Photography.

[miss--perception-blog]

My Humble Abode.

I realize these are overdue...but life's been greatly busy! 

I moved to Williams Lake three and a half weeks ago, and it has been really really good. Not without it's hiccups, but that's how it goes.

My little basement suite really does feel a bit like home now, which is really exciting. It's cozy and things are settled until the chaos is repeated in June when I join lives with Mr. Justin...what mad fun that will be. :)  (Please excuse the horrid quality of the photos...it took enough effort to force myself to sit my butt down and get this done, without worrying about photo quality.)

Until then, and hopefully another blog post, here is my little L-shaped suite for your viewing pleasure.

Welcome to my home.

This is one side of my kitchen, drying dishes on the counter just to add an air of authenticity. You're welcome. ;)

A continuation of my kitchen. This is the view that you get when you walk in the front from the entryway.

This is the outer facing wall, where my delightful view includes a partial garage, driveway and view of part of Williams Lake. I'm up on a hill so I get to overlook a part of the highway and the hill, river and lake a skip and a hop past it.

This is the view from my kitchen archway looking into the shoe nook on the right, hidden behind the wall, and living room.

The shoe nook and living room on the left.

Looking into the living room, where my delightful sister has set-up shop as my guest for a couple weeks. Usually the futon is folded up as my forest green couch. 

My living room! It looks bigger when the futon is folded up, but this is the gist of it. The back wall that is cut out has a couple chairs and goes back a couple feet. I really like it...comfortable and homey.

My only hallway! I know; it's riveting. The living room is just behind on the left, and kitchen is behind on the right. This leads down to my bathroom on the right and bedroom, after a slight right then left. ;)

My cozy little bathroom. Definitely one of my favorite places...the bath mat is so plushy. Mmmm.

Here is one half of my lovely bedroom. Please ignore the strewn throw-cushions. ;)

And the other side. Please ignore the tidily strewn laundry. Heh. 

And that's that folks! My first place on my own. It's been quite the adventure already. Overall, I would say that I'm settling in really well and the future is most definitely bright.  My landlords couldn't be better, and God has really really been so good to me through this whole process. 

It still amazes and blows my mind looking back and looking forward at what has happened, and what's coming down the pipe. I'm so grateful. My life is a gift, and it's been so humbling and deeply rewarding to continue this journey of living it...

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Making My Home

It's hard to believe that I only left Kelowna last Saturday. In some ways it still feels very fresh and new, and there are still things to do to settle in to my new home here in Williams Lake.

Largely though, it feels like it's been so much longer than a week. The rooms in my little basement suite still have bits of clutter and boxes here and there, but for the most part they have taken shapes as rooms in a home; each with their own little charm. My kitchen especially no longer looks like a tornado tore threw it; counters and tables stuffed with clean and dirty dishes amongst the miscellaneous housewares that needed homes.

Last Saturday and some of the days since have felt incredibly overwhelming, but sitting here now I feel quite at peace with most of it. A lot of my boxes are unpacked and stored away (for the impending move once Justin and I are married...moving lost its lustre after the first time.) and things have, for the most part, found their cupboards and closets to call their own. 

After three days of haphazardly wandering various stores, the base of my groceries and house-things have been bought and food can successfully be made with said ingredients without getting lost in the clutter. 

As much as I have strong moments of missing home, namely my family and wonderful friends, it fills me with a sort of pride to sit here and look at my little corners and rooms, knowing that for the time being, they're mine. 

As much as it absolutely terrified me to leave home, not for a trip but for good, I felt more ready than I ever thought I would. There has been no shortage of tears and the occasional breakdown, but I can confidently say that this is good. Sometimes I have to force myself not to think too much about it, because my mind still likes to toy with me, but it is good. 

I signed employment papers today for a job that'll be 30+ hours a week, above minimum wage, and they're giving me all of the time off I need for a wedding back in Kelowna and Justin's and my wedding, honeymoon and various other things following after. I'm so dumbfounded and excited by it all. It's worked out far better than I hoped and thought it would. I start work on Monday, and the ladies all seem to be really sweet and a little crazy. In other words, perfect.

The people that I have had a chance to meet over my few visits here have been very warm and welcoming upon seeing me again. My landlords are brilliantly generous and just as weird as me. It's delightful. Those that I have met for the first time have also been really kind and hospitable...I really think this place and these people could become home for me. And in small ways, already are.

I'm not letting go of all of the relationships and beautiful people I love in Kelowna...but I am looking forward to making room for new ones, to cherish and keep right alongside the now slightly more distant ones. I love you all. Aside from the odd thing here and there, things are going well. God is good.  I'll update with pictures once I'm satisfactorily settled and want to spend proper time with my camera. May He bless you and keep you. Sweet dreams everyone. -Cassandra

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Julia and Brandon's Engagement Photos Pt. 2

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Julia and Brandon's Engagement Photos Pt. 1

My friend Julia asked if I would do engagement photos for her and  her fiancé Brandon, to which I said I would, with much fear and trepidation. Happily, I think they turned out arlight! :) Enjoy. (All photos are obviously mine!)

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My Heart Longs for Things that My Mind Cannot Know

It's quiet now and the busy places in my heart start to quiet down There are things that I ache for that I do not know Places in me to explore But I don't know where to go Hope that lies there deep within Far beyond my scars or my weather-touched skin Is home a place that can be found by post, address or street? Or is it a place we make to fill with the people that we meet? Is there life in the ground we grow our roots in deeply? Will there be a place to call my home, a place I go to freely? No thing is perfect; I am not cursed with that delusion But I'd like to find a place for me where I don't feel like an intrusion My heart longs for things that I know not A space, ready, that I hold dear even though I've not yet got Perhaps a figment of my imagination If this be a daydream then I'll just keep waiting

Written by Cassandra Bergh December 18, 2013 12:45PM

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Double Meaning.

Rolling, tumbling and fighting to breathe These things are at odds and crying for peace The desire to do good and find a place of hope Seems hinged upon a balance that hangs thinly by a rope To give and take away are such powers far beyond us A little here and a little there do no good for their trust We scrape and fight to prove our points of view Glossing over hopelessness, we minimize and reduce Love and be loved are touted phrases in our fashion So afraid to be wrong, to step back, to show our gashes These wounds that run so deep and belay a deeper truth Justification as a means of proof that shatters its good use To see as He sees and to love as He loves us, indeed I need more than blithe confidence, in any hope I may succeed The goal eludes me more often than not because These reasons are fading and I'm left with a grand pause My heart may gape and throb in throes unfettered There must be use to all these questions, a hope of being bettered To show that I too, don't know much, but want to do well by the good souls that I wade through this life with in lows and highs To love and be loved can be so blithely condemning I ache to know and be love without the doom that's impending  

Written by Cassandra Bergh December 6, 2013 8:40 PM

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Wanting

Stepping out into  newness requires something brave and even courageous I've heard that courage is not the absence of fear so I sit here and ponder Wandering through these possibilities and the excitement is contagious But the little anxious thoughts can't help but make me wonder

Do I have any idea where I am going or what I am looking towards This mystery that keeps drawing me is never very clear very far ahead I muddle my thoughts as I try to string together these words Its better though than keeping them all cooped up and unsaid

Oh calm this nervous heart of mine and help it find its peace So many things are breaking truth around and taking my breath away These anxious thoughts and excited dreams are propelling me  There is a constant tugging in my heart, do I go or do I stay

Past, present, future and how do I reconcile them all while moving forward Am I able to hold them all without toppling over the delicate balance This life and these dreams keep me grounded while flying and are such a reward Asking for peace and hoping for grace and looking for truth with every wanting glance

Written by Cassandra Bergh November 28, 2013 10:27 AM

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Perspective

To ache and long for something or someone in their absence means that you have something or someone worth aching and longing for.

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Visit Original Link

A cover of Garden by Noah Gundersen, sung by Justin and I.

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This is one of the best songs that I have heard in a long time. It reminds me so much of music and people in Scotland who are so close to my heart. I love it. It fills me with wonder.