Eating disorders are not just skipping a few meals and dropping 20 pounds in a month. Eating disorders are not something you order on the side while you enjoy the rest of your life. They become your life. They infect every aspect of your existence in ways you never really notice until it’s happening. An eating disorder is silently hating your parents when they bring home food you used to love and forgetting how to make proper meals for others, because you haven’t had one in ages. It’s somehow ending up on a dieting website, scrolling through its pages at 2am. It’s just passing the time until you’re allowed to eat again every single day. It’s coming to the conclusion that you have to lose 3 pounds whenever a problem arises. Its delaying plans with people you haven’t seen in a while because you haven’t lost enough weight since the last time you saw them. It’s numbers numbers numbers, swimming through your mind 24/7, they’re your first thought in the morning and last before you fall asleep. It’s hating yourself because you didn’t wake up hungry and feeling like a failure because your mom says you’re healthy. It’s the difference between a good day and a horrible day being a few calories. It’s bathrooms that smell like vomit, a loss of purpose, and dignity. It’s emptiness, crippling self hate, and shame. It’s not glamorous or tragically beautiful, it’s a demon that creates a home in your head and won’t leave until you’re dead.
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