Miss Sarah

"I have gathered that the moments that shaped me were the ones that have tested my faith. And all that matters is the courage they gave me. I fell down and my fears were erased."

[dailywatson]

I like books that aren’t just lovely but that have memories in themselves. Just like playing a song, picking up a book again that has memories can take you back to another place or another time.

[checked]

Can you remember who you were, before the world told you who you should be?

Charles Bukowski (via checked)

[misssarahdevin-blog]

“Yes..” She said the words slowly, staying very still as he talked, her mind still reeling from the newfound information. All in all, Sarah felt like she had done her best to be understanding trough this whole thing. And she would keep trying, but with this information understanding why he’d put up with it for so long, why he hadn’t told anyone, why he had stayed.. it was becoming less understandable. Or.. in a way, she tried to tell herself that, he must have been so incredibly scared. Possibly a little brainwashed. And none of this was his fault. None. “You know its.. hard to understand it sometimes. Because I look at you, and all of the wonderful qualities that you have Noah. How kind, and loyal, and smart you are. How much better than her you deserve.. how unfair it is that you had to go trough this, and mostly alone.. So its just hard to understand why you wouldn’t ask for help earlier.” She said it all very softly, choosing her words carefully again. The last thing she intended was for him to feel like she was accusing him of anything. “Thank you for telling me. I’m sorry it did.. but you tried.” He had, and that was the important thing. He hadn’t truly given up even then. 

She nodded a little. There were just some relationships in life you wouldn’t be able to change. The one she had with her mother being one of them, or so she thought. “I am too, I wish things were different.” She agreed quietly. Not having any support when her Paris incident went down had been, at least then, incredibly difficult. It was why she hadn’t come home. Why it had taken her months to recover and feel safe. Or safer at least to live her life and not shut herself in. In a way Sarah thought her mother was convinced her ‘little girl’ was gone. She’d given up and just figured that pretending her disappointment of a daughter didn’t exist now. Sarah was sure a lot of dreams her parents had had for her had died when she started acting out. Which was probably the reason they were being so cautious and withdrawn now. They were afraid to get their hopes up, trust that she had changed. At his words Sarah nodded. He had been holding on tight. And it really was all about him finding that out on his own. The break he had made wasn’t something she or anyone could do for him. “I’m starting to see that. And I did my best I.. this feeling that I didn’t do enough is probably more about me than about you. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to take it out on you.” she apologized, meeting his gaze to make sure he heard her. Giving him a gentle smile, she looped her arm trough his, setting off towards Kingsley.

[fuckyeahoriginals]

[contumaciouscarter-blog]

We Meet Again || Carah

[contumaciouscarter-blog]

Sarah seemed uncomfortable with this whole situation, which C would have brushed aside as normal, given the fact that they were locked in, but he could also she discomfort in her eyes when she looked at him. He felt like there was something she wasn’t telling him, and although he trusted her enough to know that if it was important, she would just say it, he still had a hard time trying to understand what she could be keeping from him. As much as he could hope that it wasn’t someone else in her life that made her happy, meaning she didn’t need or want him, that probably was the case. It would make sense why she wouldn’t want to just come right out and say it, because she probably knew that he wouldn’t be able to handle it.

Watching her blink, she was clearly confused at his response. What was she expecting, for him to defend himself? He might be a stubborn asshole but he knew when he was in the wrong. Most of the time he ignored that knowledge in favour of doing something stupidly dangerous, but with her he couldn’t. He had to admit that even if this wasn’t his fault, he was still partly to blame for some of the crap that had happened in her life. Carter’s eyes were suddenly drawn to the lip that she was chewing. If Sarah was biting her lip, it meant that she was nervous. This only reinforced his previous thought that there was something she was not telling him. But judging by the look on her face, she didn’t want to, and was therefore not going to any time soon.

As he watched her think, he noticed confused clouding her eyes. He couldn’t understand why; his statement made prefect sense. But maybe not to her. Maybe what she couldn’t understand was why. Why he would love her so unconditionally until the day he died. Why he would follow her anywhere and do anything for her, even it it meant he would suffer. Maybe she didn’t understand that through all those other girls he’d been with, she was the only one who seemed to have a special glow about her. Sarah had always seemed to sparkle, which was what had drawn Carter to her. Their relationship had started out like all the others: full of lust and passion. But as time wore on, Carter had found himself falling in love with her. Her eyes, her smile, everything about her seemed special to him. Yes, maybe he was biased, but he didn’t care. He would never stop loving her, even if that spark went out.

Carter shot her a flash of a smirk as he replied. ″Nope, not a word. But you do, so I’m saying it to make you feel better.” Sarcasm was almost a defense mechanism for C, and even though she wasn’t attacking him, he felt the need to be sarcastic to protect himself from anything else that could be around right now. The slight smile on Sarah’s face would have made him swoon if not for the thought of danger that they could be in right now.

Walking through the library, the dead silence made Carter uneasy. He was very much used to loud noises and constant sounds, so quiet was unfamiliar to him. In here, when neither of them had a clue what was going to happen, it heightened Carter’s awareness of any potential movement around them. Finally reaching the exit, a wave of relief started to flood through him, but was stopped dead in its tracks when the door did not open. When Sarah suddenly screamed, C was shocked, having not heard such a sudden outburst like that in years. He let her kick the door a few times to get some of her anger and frustration out. But when he decided that she would break her toe if she kept lashing out, the only thing he could do to stop her was pull her back from the door, lifting her off the ground so she could flail in the air rather than kicking the door again. When she was in a fit like this, there was nothing anyone could do to calm her but wait it out.

[misssarahdevin-blog]

What she did most these days was protecting the people closest to her. She didn’t like it how she would rather omit things than be honest, but sometimes that seemed like the only option, or at least the best one. The last thing Sarah wanted was to be responsible for hurting Carter. Responsible for breaking his heart and make him feel less loved or less valued. Some might think it odd, that after years of no communication you could care so much about another person. Especially an ex. It was like most preferred to place ex’s in this category where almost anything was justifiable and hate should be natural. Sarah had never truly gotten to that place. She didn’t believe that when you’d loved someone, hating them was just as easy. When she loved, she didn’t twist that love around into something ugly. Or at least she didn’t wish to do so. Not with Carter or anyone else.

Annoyance rose as her comment got no response. Meaning that if she wanted answers, if she really wanted to discuss this, she had to come right out and ask. And if she did, that might not turn out so great. For either one of them. Sarah felt stuck right then. Seeing no way forward and no way back, so unsure about how to handle this. Which was why she had belied for the door in the first place, she just didn’t want to handle it. She didn’t want the confrontation, she didn’t want for him to be hurt or to hurt anymore herself. It was still pretty startling to her that he didn’t appear to be too curious. That he wasn’t asking either. He might not want to. Or, he’s reading you like an open book seeing that you’re not eager to and hanging back.. yeah, that was probably part of it too.

Sarah had lots of excuses for why her brain worked the way it did. Why it was hard for her to believe others could love her, why she often thought less of herself, why she had a hard time seeing her own worth. She’d lost a piece of herself that night in Paris. Those men, what they took, not just in a physical sense. That was certainly part of it. Feeling violated, feeling broken and consumed by a sense of loss of control over your own body. But then there was her confidence. Her belief that she was worth something, that she mattered, that she was wanted and needed, capable of making a difference for others, hell that she could be loved and lusted after. Carter didn’t know about it, so he couldn’t see it. That she was no good for him either. That she ad a really hard time being good for anyone. Of course this was what she did with people who didn’t know. With Noah, with Rian, with Tommy. The belief that they only saw her the way they did because they didn’t have the full story. Because they didn’t understand the extent of how this had fucked her up. And if she told Carter too, she would only bring a bunch of crap and darkness to his attention. He was most likely better off not knowing. She might not be able to fully love him back the way he loved her, but she could still protect him, and she would never stop caring about him.

Her eyes danced with mirth, that smirk being all too familiar. “How very gentlemanly of you.” She had a hard time not laughing at that actually. His sarcasm, who supposedly many found tricky to navigate or converse with, she found refreshing still. Even when it was being used against her in any way Sarah had no problem catching up and staying in the conversation. This was one of the parts about the ‘them’ that they used to be that she’d missed.  

Each kick sent echo trough the room, filling it with more noises than before. It was a clear improvement. So was the dent she’d made in the door. Sarah was about to switch legs, make the dent bigger, in her mind thinking she could break down the damn door and oh boy wouldn’t that feel incredible. Then her feet left the ground, legs flailing in the air. For a time, she struggled, her anger blinding her, her brain not fully aware of the situation, what was happening. Then there was this tightening in her chest, breathing suddenly becoming the biggest struggle. Sarah gasped for air, the pain in her chest bringing her back to the present, demanding that she slowed down. Setting her feet down, she tried to focus on her breathing, on the pressure of Carters arms around her. You’re not there, you’re here. Keep breathing. She hadn’t had fits like these in years. If anyone knew how to handle her when she got them, it was him. No one else had gotten to see her like this, loosing it like this. Not even her boyfriend. Sarah leaned into him a little, finding that her pulse and breath were slowly steadying. “I don’t get it.” She said once more, her mouth working on its own before her mind could step in. “You still loving me like it was yesterday. I’m not worth it. I’m not worth any of it and you know I’ll only smash your heart to pieces and you’ll hate me for it. I’m.. I’m worthless, I’m not special or beautiful or a good person. And I’m not saying this to push you away I’m saying this because I honestly believe it. I don’t get why you would love me, why anyone would.”

[contumaciouscarter-blog]

We Meet Again || Carah

[misssarahdevin-blog]

The unsettling thing was, he could probably read her right back. That was the scary part of someone knowing you from before. Even if you weren’t the same person, didn’t make the same decisions and choices, your core behavior, your tells, your weaknesses, your habits, were hard to break. And thus, still there. Open for interpretation. Right now, Sarah felt like they were walking a very fine line. At any moment the one or the other could say something, and they’d tip over. It was sort of inevitable, and one of the reasons she was so eager to get out. Having any sort of argument with Carter wouldn’t go well. She would slip, she would say something he didn’t need to hear or something she didn’t mean because god only knew how good he was at pushing her buttons.. and she’d find herself in a wildly uncomfortable shitstorm with no seeming end.

That was it? Sarah blinked, not sure what she had expected, but a sigh? No words, no argument, no nothing? Which meant she’d really hit a weak spot. Why would he be holding on to the idea of her blaming him and being better off? Why would he insist on portraying himself as the bad guy, when he knew she would never agree to it? The brunette found herself confused, holding on tighter to the strap of her bag. Maybe she cared too much. Maybe his insistence was a good thing. At least if he believed what he said, then there would be a greater chance of them becoming just friends. She couldn’t quite figure out how to act. She couldn’t not care about him, but she didn’t want to hurt him either. And then she truly detested lying. Sarah found herself chewing her lip, as she always did when she was nervous or distressed in any way. Kit used to say it was her biggest ‘tell’.

As sweet as his confirming words were, they didn’t exactly clear her confusion in any way. Sarah just didn’t understand how it was possible. Maybe how she looked at herself, her old self, was clouding her judgement but she remembered very well who Carter had been without her. Notorious with girls, incredibly charming, that attitude of his gave off a hint of danger that was very hard to resist. He could make any girl feel special if he so wanted. And he used to, he’d made her feel special too. But she’d never thought about how in a sea of those girls, she might stand out. She’d never pictured that there truly was something special about her. Sure when they were together, she had made damn sure there was no one else in his bed. Thought there had been that one time, that one fight, the one time he had strayed. Which at the time she had ended up forgiving pretty easily, but it had shown that what he had with her he could have with someone else. Sarah was dying to ask. She was dying to have him explain. But would he? And how would that turn out? “I don’t get it.” She admitted, not really caring how her words came out low and with a vulnerable edge.

Sarah scoffed. “You don’t believe a word of that.” She shoot back, thought despite her words, a small smile now played on her lips. Mainly because of what he’d said just after. “Okay.” No she wasn’t a victim no more, yes, she could take care of herself, but it was also nice to know that he’d look out for her, that the desire was there. Believe it or not she didn’t have something to prove. She had no need to demonstrate or fight. It reminded her of being back home this summer. When the cook her mother hired made them dinner. She didn’t have to be served, but it was a nice change to not have to cook yourself.

The library was deadly quiet, the dark making shelves and tables seem ominous and bigger than they were. When they neared the exit, Sarah picked up the pace, ignoring their previous conversation about him staying in front, as she reached out for the door handle. Pressing it down, a loud groan erupted from her as it too, refused to budge. Sarah felt her cool entirely slipping as she started kicking the damn door. “I’ll. Kill. That. Janitor. I swear to god….!!” she screamed. Kicking and kicking even if her leg was protesting and her body shivering with surpassed frustration, even a little bit of anger. Right there, right then, she was taking all of it out on the door, images of her struggles flashing before her eyes as she did. She was kicking Lorelei’s face in, she was kicking the hell out of her rapers, Rian’s sisters ex boyfriend, her mother, her father.. They deserved this and more. Much more.

[misssarahdevin-blog]

Sarah shrugged a little. “Yeah, or I mean.. its not like I’d tell you something I haven’t told him. We’re both pretty big on the honesty front. You are huh? The run of the mill is you ahm, sort of get around?” She said, inquiring a bit, hoping he wouldn’t be offended. Well, the Gossip blog was calling her a terrible, selfish sister so you couldn’t truly put too much stock in it. “I’m coming out of.. two years worth of messes. So you know.. I won’t judge.” 

[misssarahdevin-blog]

“I hadn’t really pressed Rian to introduce me to his friends and Noah and I run in different circles. But I am glad that we have now, its nice to have a face to put the name to.” She nodded with a kind smile. The beer was going down fast, the taste of alcohol being just what she had craved. “It was.. is.. I don’t know. Some more than others. He just doesn’t fit into the picture. And its really weird for me to be talking to you about this..” Sarah shook her head with a chuckle. “Sorry.” 

[contumaciouscarter-blog]

We Meet Again || Carah

[contumaciouscarter-blog]

Carte sighed, a little frustrated. It wasn’t necessarily her that he was annoyed at, but more that their current situation was less than ideal. He wished so badly that whatever it was that was holding her back could be gone, and that they could be happy together, but it couldn’t. Sarah wasn’t one to hold a grudge, so whatever she was afraid of was clearly important, and C knew better than to disrespect that.

Running his fingers through his hair, Carter tried so hard to make her understand what he was trying to say. Even though he’d never been good with words, he hoped that her knowing him was enough for her to understand the point he was trying to get across. “I know I wasn’t, but I’m just saying that I wasn’t doing you any favors by being around.” He sighed again at her next comment, not really believing what she was saying. He may not be a bad person, but he wasn’t a good one either. He wasted his parents’ money skipping school and being a drop-out, he ruined so many girls’ happiness, he disrespected and was rude to so many people. It wasn’t the worst of things but he still didn’t deserve to be treated nicely by her or by anyone else. He didn’t deserve to be happy.

Carter could feel the independent woman rising up behind him in Sarah but he ignored it. “Yes I do. As much as you think you can protect yourself, you’re wrong. Because right now, we don’t know what’s out there and we both know I know more about this kind of thing than you do.” He pointed out. Besides, he was a protective person, and would never be able to forgive himself if anything happened to her when he should have prevented it.

He slowed down for a second, realising that after only being here for a few days, he had no idea where he was going or how to get out of here. “But, I will admit, I don’t really know where we’re going… Do you know how to get out of here?” He asked, hoping she would and that they weren’t trapped in here in the dark.

[misssarahdevin-blog]

She was quiet, analyzing the situation. If there was one thing Sarah knew she was good at, it was reading people, trusting her gut instinct and choosing her words thereafter. Which was exactly what she was doing her best at right now. She wanted to be honest but in a way, she also didn’t want to push him away. The fear being that when she mentioned having a boyfriend, being taken, being madly in love with someone else, something inside him would break and he’d be hurt enough to push her away. Which in hindsight was probably better for him and in not doing so she was being selfish. But it was so easy to be selfish with Carter. 

His expiration made her unsure, didn’t clear her confusion out. Sarah could never listen to the people she cared for talking themselves down, it was a sure way to make her upset or increase her intensity, fighting for them to see the value they had not just in regards to her but to everyone else too. But maybe this might also be about how she viewed herself. She honestly didn’t see it. How he thought she was somehow better off, a better person the second he wasn’t close to her. She also didn’t see how a sixteen year old with his looks and confidence hadn’t gotten over her. She wasn’t that big of a catch. She certainly hadn’t been that good of a person either. But somehow it didn’t seem to matter to him. “I understand thats how you see it. I used to see it that way to C, I did. It was so much easier having you to blame for who I was back then, the choices I made. But the truth is they were all mine to make and they still are. I won’t lie, seeing you freaked me out because I know how easy it is to fall back into old patterns with you. But I’m done not taking responsibility for my own actions and putting it all only you would be just that.” She kept her voice even, adding with a small smile. “You’d do anything for me wouldn’t.. after all these years?” 

As he kept walking in front, and she with her shorter legs couldn’t quite catch up without breaking into a run, it was hard not to roll her eyes at him. “We’re in a school Carter, not the middle of a shady neighborhood. Besides, I spent all summer taking defense classes, and oh wait, who always had your back when you decided to start something with someone?” If there was a type of girl she refused to be, it was the ‘damsel in distress’. Especially after Paris. Mainly because of Paris. 

They were nearing the end of the hall, having to turn, and he didn’t seem all that sure where to go. Which coincidentally, made Sarah want to laugh a little. “Left, trough the library. There’s an exit there. Unless they’ve locked that too..” Her brows furrowed a little at the thought. If they had to spend the night in here, she would have some serious explaining to do tomorrow. 

[lovelustquotes]

[misssarahdevin-blog]

Write on me # Riah

[misssarahdevin-blog]

Would the day come when she could agree to that? Hopefully. Probably. If it was one emotion she was an expert on, it was blame. Taking the blame, feeling the guilt, that was something she constantly did. And it was a damn hard pattern to break. “No I know..” She mumbled. Looking at what had happened to her, she was extremely prone to compare. Maybe because it made her feel like her shit wasn’t as bad as it was. Everyone she’d told seemed to be convinced she’d had it worse somehow. Even Noah kept insisting how her experience was nothing like his in terms of awfulness. She kept close to him, even with the subject, her skin tingled where he touched, that fluttery feeling in her stomach presenting itself. Being close to Rian just felt better than anything else could. Still Sarah found it incredible that she’d found such a good, trough and trough, guy. The kind of guy that would wait for her like this, who put her first without even blinking. It wasn’t ideal of course. And probably wouldn’t be that easy. She could never keep her head on straight when they were making out and pulling back, slamming on the breaks, it never came naturally. “I sort of knew you would say something like that. Upside is it will probably be more special this way.” She said, being slightly more optimistic now. Truth was, it would be special either way. “Just promise me that the intimacy we do have doesn’t change?” Having been playing with their intertwined fingers she now looked back up at him. Be selfish.. Right. Easier said then done. “I think it’s hard for me to find a balance.” She admitted. “I spent most of my teens being so self centred, so selfish, that I don’t really know how to do anything in between. Because if I start to be selfish then I’m scared I’ll tip back over, be that girl who couldn’t be bothered to have a relationship with her little brother, who cared more about parties than her family..” Shaking her head a little, like she was shaking the memories off. “That’s why I put everyone else first. But you’re right I should work on it, at least when it comes to you.“ She smiled a little, leaning up to press a soft kiss to his lips.

[contumaciouscarter-blog]

We Meet Again || Carah

[contumaciouscarter-blog]

Looking down at her as she bit her lip, C took a deep breath. He’d always loved watching her do that - it was as if she was taunting him now with the thought of kissing her. Around her, he was so easy to manipulate, and whenever she wanted something, she would bite her lip and he was gone. She never used it much, but now he felt like he would say and do anything for her; she still had him wrapped around her finger.

Carter looked deep into Sarah’s eyes, searching. Searching for some glimmer of hope that they weren’t over, and that they could start again. But he found nothing. Instead, he found regret, guilt even, and he wondered why. Those emotions were not ones she felt for leaving him, but for something she hadn’t done yet. Something she was about to do. Straightening up a little, C told himself to stay cautious, and not open himself up too much to the new Sarah. So many things had changed in her life since the two of them were together, and he couldn’t possibly know what any of them were. It wasn’t fair to her to assume that she was the same girl on the inside as before.

He looked down at the floor, before back up at the girl. “I know I didn’t, but look at you now. You’re better now, more sensible and more respectful. Because once you left me behind, the bad influence was gone. Just because you chose to do all those things doesn’t mean you’re still not better off without me.” Carter hoped that in this Sarah would realise that he would do anything for her, including sacrifice his own happiness.

When the lights turned off, Carter’s street-awareness flicked on like a switch. His eyes twitched around, looking for the cause. He felt Sarah tense up beside him and went to automatically put him hand on her arm but stopped himself. She didn’t need that right now, and he could help her more by getting the lights back on. He quickly followed her down the hall, taking the lead so he could protect her from anything that was ahead of them.

[misssarahdevin-blog]

His eyes raking her, the desire in them, had her knees feeling week within seconds. It had been a long, long time since anyone had looked at her like that. She knew Rian did. Once in a while. But lately, with all the revelations and other drama surrounding them, she hadn’t felt desired. Which wasn’t that weird.. when you told your boyfriend you’d been raped, lust and desire weren’t exactly ranking the list of top five emotions. However that didn’t mean that she didn’t miss it. Being looked at like she was truly sexy, like she was wanted. 

The problem was that as good as kissing him or going further would feel, it would feel great for about ten minutes, and then she would be drowning in a sea of guilt and despair, because in doing so she’d ruin her new relationship. She’d break her boyfriends heart into a million pieces, she’d loose him. And that it was not worth. That’s why she had to stuff whatever it was, that small glimmer, into a box and bury it deep deep down. They could be friends. They could learn to know each other again. But that was it. 

She was shaking her head before he was done speaking. “That doesn’t mean you were the reason for all my bad decisions or that I wouldn’t have made them without you. I did a lot of stupid shit all on my own afterwards, trust me, it was not pretty. And I never blamed you.” She insisted. “Please stop talking about yourself this way. You’re not the bad guy everyone writes you off as. I wasn’t better off, it was just what I thought I had to do.” When she thought about Paris, about how much different that trip could have been had she not been alone.. No, she wasn’t convinced she’d been better off. Of course, in leaving she had thought so, and most of the time it was so easy, to put the blame on him. In her weak moments she did so. She would tell him differently but silently know it wasn’t true. Which was incredibly unfair, but also the safest way to move forward. Or it had been when he wasn’t standing right in front of her, living and breathing the same air as her.. 

Four steps down the hall and then he’d caught up to her, and walked past. Sarah rolled her eyes a little, having forgotten how protective he could be. “C.. you don’t have to walk in front of me.” She said, managing to sound calmer than she felt. It was stupid to be nervous. They were alone in here. It wasn’t like anyone was flying around with an axe. 

[misssarahdevin-blog]

She remembered how a lot of things didn’t make sense when she’d been coping, the weeks after being assaulted and raped. She’d been in some sort of shock. Staring at lamps wondering why they wouldn’t turn on, why toilets wouldn’t flush.. simple things had seemed very hard to do. Except showering. That was the only thing she had done every other hour. To feel clean, to feel like she was present, not stuck on a constant loop watching the incident going over and over in her head. Sarah couldn’t know how it was for Noah, how everything he had endured affected him on the inside.. which was why she hadn’t pushed for him to open up to her, why she’d assumed that if he didn’t want to lean on her, he leaned on someone else. Like his friends. And she was not about to become like her mother, suggesting therapy and consultations with ‘professionals’ when Noah hadn’t asked for it or wanted that kind of help. Hell she hadn’t been able to admit that herself before over a year had passed. He shouldn’t be forced to do anything he didn’t want to do or conclude himself that he needed. “The first time?” Once again Sarah stopped dead in her tracks, turning sideways towards her brother. There had been more times?! The brunette could feel her hands fisting back up, her breath quickening. The hot taste of anger in her mouth. At that bitch! At Noah for not telling her.. for staying with that monstrous girl.. It was that feeling you could only have for the people you loved. The mix of love and pure frustration, the wish to hug them tight and shake them hard at the same time.

She pressed her lips together with force, in an attempt to calm back down, to continue any sort of conversation. The urge to turn around, to sprint back into that ballroom and just loose it on the person responsible was so strong there were black spots on her vision making the world blurry. He doesn’t want you too. He needs you here. You’ll make it worse. You’ll end up in jail. You’ll fuck up everything. She kept repeating those sentences in her head. Over and over. Then she tried to tune in on Noah’s voice, just his voice. “But I didn’t tell you either Noah. I was in a different city, being patched up and cared for by someone who had no reason to but did it anyway. I mean I know I should have reached out I just.. I texted mom a week after it happened. Trying to tell her I needed help.. and she didn’t even text me back. She didn’t even pick up the phone when I called. And at that time I just.. I felt like I had no family to turn to because I’d burned all those bridges.” She shook her head once more. “We spent all of last semester in the same school, in Bell Canyon.. I was right there. And I understand that you weren’t able to tell me that.. you weren’t ready but.. I still feel like I should have done something. I knew things weren’t right with you and yet I didn’t ask, didn’t pry, didn’t push. I know you’ll be okay, but you won’t be okay for a while, but thats alright. You don’t have to be okay around me.” No, she didn’t buy his reassurances, even if she wasn’t calling him on them fully either. “I know that. Its never going to be easy to talk about. You just.. do it when you’re ready. Trust me, I get it.” She was the one doing the assuring now. “I don’t mind at all. We’ll just go over to my room. No one will know a thing.”

[contumaciouscarter-blog]

We Meet Again || Carah

[contumaciouscarter-blog]

Carter smiled, but didn’t answer. He thought it best not to fill their first moments together again with talk about his crappy parents and their stupid ideas. So instead, he replied, “I’m sure I will, just not right now.” so that she knew he was going to tell her at some point. Right now, he had other ideas for what they could talk about. It had been years since they’d seen each other so he was sure something of note would have happened in there that they could talk about. Something that wasn’t related to their parents.

For a moment, standing there together in each other’s arms, Carter wondered if she too hadn’t gotten over him. He knew she was a sucker for hugs, but he still felt that they’d drawn this particular hug out longer than was probably necessary. And the longer she held on, the more he began to think that maybe there was still some hope for the two of them. Maybe she hadn’t moved on either and they could go back to some semblance of what they’d had before. But when she pulled away, those thoughts were shattered as he realised it was just wishful thinking, and that he would probably never get her back. C too shook his head. Even with the immense pain he felt from her leaving, he still could not bring himself to hate her for doing it. At the time, it was the right thing to do for her. Looking at her now, he thought about what she would have become if she’d stayed with him: a bad girl, who cut class and smoked, who got tattoos and piercings until eventually they both died of lung cancer from all the cigarettes. Her life now, the life she’d had without him, was so much better. And as much as he was a selfish prick like his father, which he hated to admit, she was better off without him. Knowing that made it so much easier to digest everything she said now.

“Sarah, I get it. It’s fine, really. I understand. And I don’t hate you for saving yourself from me.” He replied, trying to show her that he could leave her be, and not ruin her life any more than he already had. At her words, Carter found himself realising that it was too late for him. He already cared too deeply about her, and nothing she said now could change that. He didn’t care that she was different, that she’d changed, he still was and always would be in love with her. But he had to let her go now. She was clearly trying to tell him that she didn’t need him anymore, and he had to respect her wishes. And right now her wishes were for him to stop loving her, which was the one thing he could never do.

[misssarahdevin-blog]

She bit her lip, looking down for a second, unsure if his unwillingness to share was about the mood a parents-talk would set or if it was about just sharing it with her. It was sort of the main thing they used to have in common, their hate of their parents. Trash talking them and figuring out ways to spurn them. Not that she did much of that anymore, at least not on purpose. “Okay.” She therefore said, with a small nod. Now that her initial shock over seeing him was over, Sarah had to do a lot of compmentalarization. Because if she was being honest with herself, and she always tried to, looking at Carter there was still feelings there. But then again there couldn’t be because she was with Rian. And she’d wanted to be for months now. C being here just immensely complicated things. Brought up the past for her when she’d worked so hard to leave it behind. But she could still care, couldn’t she? If he wanted to, couldn’t they be friends? Or was that just like.. shooting for the stars.. she didn’t know. And uncertainty made her restless, made her want to run. It was so much easier just to avoid. To pretend and not face things.

Whatever the confusion, the mixed emotions, she could not give him any false hope. It would be very cruel to do so, even if the thought of him still loving her was beyond romantic, even if it made her feel special and in a way giddy because meaning more than all those other girls, the hordes he’d probably slept with since they broke up, played around with just because he could, mattered. It did mean something to her even if she couldn’t possibly admit it to him or anyone. So when she ended the hug, and her eyes flitted up to his face, she had to bite down the urge to say anything that might give him hope, or apologize because thought he was hiding it well, his eyes, as always, were a dead give-away. It was still startling to Sarah that he didn’t hate her, that he’d managed to, if not forgive her then not be angry or resentful at all. Of course she hadn’t left wanting to hurt him, and even if she had left partly because of his influence on her, she’d never blamed him or thought of him as ‘the bad guy’. Everyone had issues, everyone struggled.

“Saving myself? No, Carter thats not it. You never forced me to do anything you know? All those choices I made, with or without you, were still mine. I just couldn’t stay. I didn’t leave because of you, I left because of my parents. Because of all the crap that they forced on me and how they would never let up.” She started out careful but her tone changed, became more fierce. He didn’t get to blame himself for her leaving or who she had been. Suddenly the lights in the hallway went out, and Sarah felt herself tense up again. Hell.. did that mean the janitor had left? “Okay.. we gotta find a way out of here.” She said, slipping past him, takin a few steps down the hall. God it was scary here with no lights.. 

[misssarahdevin-blog]

“Great.” She nodded smilingly. God that did really sound so tempting. Letting loose, having fun, forgetting all your worries for just a few hours. “Yeah for a short while. One of my friends had some business there and I tagged along. I can’t really pick one place I’ve been that I love the most. They were all beautiful places.” Well, except for Paris. Not that it was fair, only remembering that city for all the bad but.. she probably wouldn’t go back. “Thanks. That accent is impossible to copy. It is! Thats what I told my mother when she complained about it. But your accent is part of your identity. And you know it shouldn’t be a bad thing. Guys with accents seem exotic, especially to girls.” even thought she was teasing a little, it was the truth. 

[misssarahdevin-blog]

Sarah knew that, in the past, she hadn’t given him a lot of reasons to either trust her or lean on her. And maybe they hadn’t progressed quite as far as she had thought. Maybe him dealing with all of this showed that she still wasn’t the kind of sister he would fully depend on. Not for emotional support. It was hard for her, to be accepting of that, to not push, to not ask or get frustrated that this might be how things were. This might be how things would always be. In the end she was a master of blaming herself, of taking the blame. She was the one who had been disinterested in a sibling relationship when they were growing up. She was the older one, the one who was supposed to take responsibility and look out for him. And now that she’d realized that, this relationship of theirs might never be what it could have been. Walking out of those doors she just didn’t know if she was going to be able to say the right thing this time around. “Then who do you blame Noah? Her? Yourself? Because I’ve been down that road a million times, taking the blame for it, thinking I was always going to be the guilty one, not forgiving myself, and you know where that gets you? Nowhere.” She bit down on her lip, hard, drawing blood but not caring that she was, trying to keep her voice as steady and gentle as humanly possible. “You’re right, I’ll probably never be able to agree with you.. because you’re my little brother. Because it kills me inside to see you in pain. And then it pisses me off that I can’t really do anything about it. Because that battle, its all you. I can listen, I can give, probably not so good, advice, I can be there whenever you need me, but thats it. All the hard work, building yourself back up, forgiving yourself, moving on from this, not letting it define you.. thats all up to you.” She was not going to be the greatest spokes person on this. Sarah knew she still had days where she wasn’t fully okay with what she’d been trough either. But she did know something about the road he had ahead of him. Probably more than most. “I won’t say it doesn’t suck that you’d rather keep hiding than be honest with me about how you are, but if thats what you need..” Swallowing hard she managed a shrug. “What do you want to do? I don’t think I’ll be doing much sleeping but..” She shrugged again. 

[misssarahdevin-blog]

Sarah briefly studied the bottle. The logo and the brown tint to the glass. It was funny, most girls from her background always preferred the fancy drinks or wine. But she’d always been a beer-girl. “Cheers.” She raised hers towards him to, a distant smile on her lips. “I am. In the flesh.” It was a lame joke. “I’ve heard about you too. Its actually pretty impressive that we haven’t run into each other at all before.” She commented, tempted to inquire more about both Rian and her brother, but it might seem a little nosy. The brunette shrugged. “Been doing a little reminiscing lately. I found out my ex boyfriend now goes here. You know, the kind you had when you were eighteen, drunk and stupid, who coincidentally was a good kid, just covered by a huge attitude and aptitude for trouble.”