Mitushi @mitushipandey - Tumblr Blog

ig my entire life is going to be about letting go, no way i get to live this over and over and over

if performance is what they want, performance is what they shall get

sometimes you have to remind yourself to get out of that story you do not belong in.

“why the fuck would you do that to me?”

– me, to myself.

i might be wrong, but i think love is wanting to have a deep conversation about anything with just that one person. i think love is being curious. the itch to know more. the scars, where they came from. why you cross your fingers every time you’re scared. noticing how you go quiet the moment someone you don’t know enters the room, because it’s your way of saving yourself from whatever you think could hurt you. love is doing something for them even if you hate it, because the little spark in their eyes is worth it.

love is ego-wounded. limping. unable to walk.

sometimes i think about all the ways i could save the people i love if i ever had to.

i’d jump off cliffs for them. i’d jump into water even if i can’t swim and i know i’m the one who’ll drown.

i’d slap the monster back if it meant the monster would look at me and leave them alone.

there are so many ways i wish i could take their pain away. so many versions of me that are ready to fight to the death for them without even thinking.

and then there are days when i’m so distant from all of them that it scares me. it makes me feel as heartless as the monster i’m trying to protect them from.

zoned out in the middle of work today, in a room full of a hundred people, on the verge of tears. just thinking about how much of myself i had to let go this year just to make peace with the fact that i simply cannot force anyone to be good to me. and it’s almost embarrassing to accept this, because then i ask myself - what if this is just victim complex, what if i’m the difficult one here. i’m sorry but for now i’d rather isolate and do my thing than get close to anyone till i heal from whatever phase this is.

and if i don’t fight for things, they end. that’s how it’s always been. it ended. quietly. stupidly.

i was just talking to someone and realised how 2025 has basically been one long lesson in letting go. jaane do has become my default setting. people, places, friends, all of it. it started with that one person and since then it’s like my body just learned to release before it can be left. i say cool, leave, like it doesn’t sting. but it does. it’s just easier this way. not peace exactly. more like exhaustion dressed as peace. but maybe that’s what survival looks like right now.

my problem is that i can’t see the bad in someone once i like them. even when they try to show me who they really are, i hold on to who i want them to be. i fall in love with potential, not reality. i build soft versions of people in my head and defend them like they’re real. i ignore patterns and tell myself to be patient because “maybe they’ll change.” but the truth hits hard. potential doesn’t love you back. it doesn’t show up, it doesn’t choose you. and someday you have to admit that they weren’t complicated, you just refused to see clearly. they were always showing you who they were. you just kept hoping they’d become someone else.

here’s what i really think about love:

1. it’s not about grand gestures. sometimes not even the small ones we hype up. love is about where you’ve come from, what you’ve survived, and who you’re willing to become. the real test is: will it still feel easier to hold hands when new battles show up?

2. your “type” is just physical attraction. it fades. at some point you realize you don’t even have a type because even your type can end up not being your type.

3. if someone has to find their way back to you, they will. but you can’t keep clinging to that hope. sometimes it takes 50 years, sometimes 2 months. either way, it only happens if both of you grow while missing each other.

4. you never fully stop loving someone. unless it was brutally painful, there’s always a soft corner that stays, quietly holding the version of them you loved, and the version of yourself who loved them.

5. love doesn’t always motivate you to move forward. that push has to come from within. love just exists. it’s the hand you hold while you fight your own battles. not the thing that fights them for you.

you know how they say the right person will save you. i’ve learned that the right friends do too.

there are people who hold your world steady without even trying, who make belonging feel effortless. once you’ve had that, anything less feels like breathing in a room with no windows. because here’s the thing. when your heart breaks, you run back to your friends. but when your friendships break, there’s no safe place to return to. no familiar couch to collapse on. no late night call that makes it all feel less heavy.

and friendship isn’t about fault. some people will love you quietly from a distance, and that will be enough. some people you’ll talk to every day and still never find the language of closeness. it’s not about how often, it’s about how deeply.

so i’ve stopped pretending that romance comes first. i’ve learned to take friendships seriously. to water them like plants, to guard them like secrets, to treat them as holy as the kind of love we keep writing poems about.

metamorphesque

— James Baldwin, They Can’t Turn Back

i’m ranting, yes. but here’s something i’m finally coming to terms with - there’s no point in romanticising anything.

you have to act like you deserve the bare minimum: kindness. answers. accountability. respect. you have to act like your vulnerability matters.

like your strength matters. your access, your softness - all of it is important. because if you don’t, people will: threaten you. demean you. discredit you.

they’ll start thinking for you. they’ll take the narrative out of your hands and call your thoughts delusional. their dismissal will be “boundaries. your effort will be “clingy.”

their manipulation? “just protecting myself.”

i need to stop putting people on pedestals. no more temples where there should’ve been mirrors.

watching yourself slowly give up on love as a former lover girlie while everyone around you finally finds it has to be the most humbling experience.

but you think too much. too sensitive. too serious. too unserious. too less. too much. too desperate. too absent. too self-piteous. too apathetic. too sad. too vulnerable. too loud. too quiet. too aggressive. too demanding. too passive. too emotional. too anxious. too impulsive.

and as much as i want to tell you that for the right people you won’t be too much, i am scared by the time the right people do come, whatever that means, you’d be too wary to even want to look their way. you’d have learned your lessons, tuned down your personality. but then they will tell you to open your heart, a few quick generated words they typed – ‘need something motivational for a friend who thinks too much.’ and you will shrug. been there. saw that.

i think it’s adorable how we sometimes adopt the little cute mannerisms of the people we spend the most time with – the way we find ourselves humming the same song our friend has been singing two hours ago when we met them. the way we hear the sound of our mother’s laughter in our own after a long conversation with her over the phone. the way you start texting like that one person without even realizing. i think this says so much about the art of noticing in general. you’re listening even when you're not. you’re connected even when the person is not around you.

it’s not always about the bigger impacts. it’s also about the small ones - the ones that bring a smile to your face on a random monday night.

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